View Full Version : Transparency vs. Facebook Life
My family is very tight-lipped when it comes to struggles, and anything remotely intimate/vulnerable/scary. The Facebook Life before FB even came on the scene. Hence my venting here! :laff: I'm a touchy/feely and very much the black sheep. Out of self-preservation, I've learned to keep mum. But sometimes I wonder about being more transparent for the sake of the younger generation. It's hard being the first one to let it all hang out as it were. But I feel sad when I see the nieces struggling with issues and no one being there to pave the way for them, even if just a little bit.
How transparent are you with friends and family?
My family is very tight-lipped when it comes to struggles, and anything remotely intimate/vulnerable/scary. The Facebook Life before FB even came on the scene. Hence my venting here! :laff: I'm a touchy/feely and very much the black sheep. Out of self-preservation, I've learned to keep mum. But sometimes I wonder about being more transparent for the sake of the younger generation. It's hard being the first one to let it all hang out as it were. But I feel sad when I see the nieces struggling with issues and no one being there to pave the way for them, even if just a little bit.
How transparent are you with friends and family?
Open book. But not on FB-that's just stupid.
happystuff
6-29-20, 6:22pm
How transparent are you with friends and family?
Mostly open, but it depends on with who and about what.
I think one of the important things is to be open with struggles, but also with joys. I think it has to be an honest mix of both, otherwise things may always sound like "whining" or a constant "picture of perfection".
Teacher Terry
6-29-20, 7:07pm
Open with friends but not on Facebook. Not close with family that’s left so not close sharing.
Not particularly, but I'm happy to dispense advice if asked.
catherine
6-30-20, 11:25am
Moderately.
I have a fairly stoic personality. I do NOT wear my heart on my sleeve. DH wears enough hearts on his for both of us.
I will share things on an as-needed basis, but I always err on the side of being tight-lipped. Even with emails, I drop all CCs if they don't NEED to know something.
I have shared in Al-Anon and with my therapist, but I don't burden anyone else with my struggles. Even myself.
Interesting question. I'm only close with my older sister (2 other sibs I never see/talk to) and my one daughter (the other is estranged and the usual cause of "struggles"). My sister has permission to share things with her daughters/my nieces, as our kids are all the same age, --- they're very caring and loving, not a gossipy bone in their bodies--- just so they can be sensitive if we all see each other.
I do not share anything sensitive on FB. I have one friend I see infrequently, a childhood friend. We share everything, but don't see each other often enough.
I was interested in your reasoning leading to the thread. I am not quite sure that being transparent about one's vulnerabilities will enable younger or others to feel more comfortable being transparent. Most people that I am open with usually take a long time to achieve that level of confidence. The consequences of exposing one's vulnerabilities will This seems to be true of a variety of age groups.
I am amazed that anyone posts personal stuff on FB. All fraud prevention instruction advisers stress that we keep our private life off FB. I am careful about what I post on SLF. If one is not prepared to post the info on a highway bulletin board, don't post on FB.
Family and close friends are freely informed about my life but to my comfort level and on a 'need to know' basis. One on one contact for sharing and supporting seems most valuable.
iris lilies
6-30-20, 12:25pm
Struggles? What struggles? We don't have no steenkin’ troubles in OUR family, well, nothing that a good night’s sleep and perhaps an aspirin won’t solve.
haha. This is kinda our Family mantra but it gets us through. So of course there’s no sharing of any troubles with blood relatives On the social media sites, but for the in-laws, they don’t seem to follow that code.
catherine
6-30-20, 12:56pm
I am amazed that anyone posts personal stuff on FB.
I agree with razz on the basic question for the OP? Why should we be more transparent for the sake of the younger generation? I totally DON'T GET posts like "Tonight's a bad night." Or, I was shocked by a cousin who ranted about a fight she had with her husband. I get bored by the people who write long birthday testimonials to their kids/parents/grandkids--especially when the honoree isn't even on FB!! Do I care or doubt how much you love your family?
Struggles? What struggles? We don't have no steenkin’ troubles in OUR family, well, nothing that a good night’s sleep and perhaps an aspirin won’t solve.
haha. This is kinda our Family mantra but it gets us through. So of course there’s no sharing of any troubles with blood relatives On the social media sites, but for the in-laws, they don’t seem to follow that code.
In my circle, we don't air our grievances endlessly (if at all), for which I am grateful. There's lots to be said, IMO, for the stoic/personal responsibility approach.
Son in law works for FB. You need to be very mindful of what you post, ie nothing very revealing.
Like razz, I'm curious what the context is. I'll give an example that may or not be relevant. If someone suspects that a teenager in their orbit might be LGBT the right approach is not to ask them if they are gay or whatever. That could have the opposite of the intended effect. Especially if someone has been taunting them or calling them names. A better approach is to openly and positively discuss something regarding LGBT people, such as commenting favorably about something in the news like last week's supreme court decision regarding workplace discrimination. And continue to do so when opportunities arise. Or simply being out of the closet if one is LGBT. Anything that lets the person know that you are a potential ally if/when they are ready to start talking to someone.
Ok, let me clarify what I meant. I use the term FB Life, not as the vehicle for communication per se (though many young people prefer communication via some sort of social media platform). It's more the approach to how one presents oneself, i.e., a curated life that presents an idealized picture of how we want others to see us, whether it's who we are or not. Rather than being who we are, warts and all. jp1's comment about being open about one's own sexuality if one is LGBT is a good example. This would open up an opportunity for dialogue if someone younger is struggling with their own sexuality. Or any other issue, for that matter. I think being transparent in this sense lets a younger person know that you are someone that they can open up to as well. And if anything, you will understand their struggle and offer support, or just a sympathetic ear.
The other example that came to mind, before jp1 hit the nail on the head, is how in the old days mothers would avoid talking to their daughters about menstruation. How scary for a girl to one day have the experience thrust upon her without any warning or preparation. All because women were embarrassed about discussing such "delicate" issues. That type of thing, where having some information, preparation, advice, guidance, etc... can help a person navigate issues/experiences/struggles that we've gone through and had to learn the hard way.
Reminds me a bit of students who are the first in their family to go to college, or have the opportunity to go to college, and how often parents, especially immigrant and/or poor parents, are ill-equipped to guide their child through the process (despite their best efforts) simply by virtue of not having gone through the experience themselves. When you contrast that to students whose parents have the resources and knowledge to guide them, how much easier and enjoyable that same experience and transition is for them.
Does that help?
The whole concept of facebook life is fascinating to me. Because yes, I have some friends whose facebook life is very curated. It's all fabulous vacations, fabulous meals, fabulous clothes. Fabulous, fabulous, fabulous! And others whose whole facebook life is OMG, I can't believe this happened to me... I suppose for some people it's an accurate representation of their moods and thoughts, and for others it's an effort to present a certain image. About a year ago I realized that my facebook life was almost entirely an even split between "aren't my cats adorable" and "San Francisco transit seriously sucks" and not much else. Now, in our covid era, I long for the days when I could take transit to go do things. It's such a pain having to drive anywhere that's too far to walk. I'm tempted to go delete all my transit gripe posts because they just seem silly and minor now, but then I think about the fact that precisely no one is likely to go digging through my old posts. I haven't added a new facebook friend in years.
I don't think, though, that the curated life presentation is really a new thing. My mom was one of eight kids. Throughout their entire adult lives, from the 1950's until sometime after 2000, they sent around a "round robin" letter. It followed the same order (by age I think) and one would read everyone's new letter, remove their own last letter to the group, write a new one, and send the whole batch on to the next person. A couple of my aunt/uncles were in the habit of presenting what would today be the curated fabulous Facebook life. Their kids were always smarter, winning more awards, etc. Their house always had the nicest furniture from the most fancy stores. Their car may have cost a bit more but Car and Driver ranked it #1 and they got a great deal... And so on. The rest of them tended to just present everything, the good and the bad.
The dreaded Christmas Letter was a precursor to today's social media curated life.
We used to get one every year from an acquaintance and laugh and laugh.
This was my wife's Facebook post for today. It was captioned with "He's pretty tough for an old guy". I'm now wondering what it says about me?
https://scontent.fbis1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/106616858_10217575134225501_2228887794751013446_n. jpg?_nc_cat=111&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_ohc=fURx03zH0ysAX-2aau9&_nc_ht=scontent.fbis1-1.fna&oh=a454183d41d61b1a5826996dd2ba06b7&oe=5F20904E
I'd say it says you're having a fun vacation!
Did you insert $.50? As a kid I always found those things disappointing. At that time I wanted the real mechanical bull experience (even though I would have had no idea what a mechanical bull was). Today that would probably be about the right speed for me.
One thing the post does say is that your wife isn't a "fabulous life" facebooker. One post per day can't convey fabulous life. Maybe one per dinner course...
This was my wife's Facebook post for today. It was captioned with "He's pretty tough for an old guy". I'm now wondering what it says about me?
https://scontent.fbis1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/106616858_10217575134225501_2228887794751013446_n. jpg?_nc_cat=111&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_ohc=fURx03zH0ysAX-2aau9&_nc_ht=scontent.fbis1-1.fna&oh=a454183d41d61b1a5826996dd2ba06b7&oe=5F20904E
I think it says your wife thinks you're pretty hot! :laff: And you know it. ;) If you're sexy and you know it....
iris lilies
6-30-20, 11:29pm
I think it says your wife thinks you're pretty hot! :laff: And you know it. ;) If you're sexy and you know it....
Haha. It’s a cute picture.
Geila, I don't even know what to say to your post. While there have been people in my life that I've found annoying I have never wanted any of them dead. And I certainly wouldn't have asked their kid/my spouse "when is your mom going to die already?". And if any hypothetical spouse of mine had asked that of me they would soon not have been my spouse anymore. I'm lucky that my MIL and deceased FIL are/were amazing people, but good god, what would it say to my SO if I told him I wished his parent was dead?
As a pretty hardcore introvert I can kind of understand not sharing the downside to "whatever the problem is" with a lot of people. (Contrasted with sharing the fact that I'm gay. I don't consider that a downside in any way, it's just who I am so I share that freely with whoever if it happens to come up in conversation.)
But when SO had a very serious illness a few years ago, for example, as I struggled with my fears and worries it just didn't occur to me to just put it out there. I reached out to a couple of longterm close friends for support on a daily basis. To the rest of the world I presented as "I"m fine. We're going to get through this." I think part of the reason I did that is that I couldn't handle people offering their concern or whatever and me having to thank them or assure them I was ok. It was easier just having them treat me like a normal person because they had no clue something was wrong. During that time a distant professional acquaintance randomly told me that his wife was going through a similar struggle to SO. I opened up to him about SO and we ended up having a really great conversation about our shared worries and concerns about the future (not identical, his wife is way younger than SO and they have two fairly young kids.) But I couldn't have just posted on linkedin, "by the way, SO is struggling with a potentially fatal illness that the docs can't figure out. If you, or someone you love, is also in this boat, reach out to me..."
You make a good point, jp1--that involving others in your trials and tribulations can increase the stress load, depending on your personality. It would for me.
Simplemind
7-1-20, 10:29am
My family was so locked down with secrecy. They had a carefully curated appearance on the outside and totally zipped lips on the inside. I can think of very few questions I had as a child being answered. Not only were they not answered, I was usually berated for even asking being told it was none of my G*d d*mned business. What ?? I grew up with nothing being my business until both parents died then it being all my business and a huge mystery to be solved. Many of the people who might have helped me understand it were already gone.
So I have raised my son the opposite way. I have always answered his questions in an age appropriate way. We have no secrets, well...… I have no secrets from him.
Geila, I don't even know what to say to your post. While there have been people in my life that I've found annoying I have never wanted any of them dead. And I certainly wouldn't have asked their kid/my spouse "when is your mom going to die already?". And if any hypothetical spouse of mine had asked that of me they would soon not have been my spouse anymore. I'm lucky that my MIL and deceased FIL are/were amazing people, but good god, what would it say to my SO if I told him I wished his parent was dead?
As a pretty hardcore introvert I can kind of understand not sharing the downside to "whatever the problem is" with a lot of people. (Contrasted with sharing the fact that I'm gay. I don't consider that a downside in any way, it's just who I am so I share that freely with whoever if it happens to come up in conversation.)
But when SO had a very serious illness a few years ago, for example, as I struggled with my fears and worries it just didn't occur to me to just put it out there. I reached out to a couple of longterm close friends for support on a daily basis. To the rest of the world I presented as "I"m fine. We're going to get through this." I think part of the reason I did that is that I couldn't handle people offering their concern or whatever and me having to thank them or assure them I was ok. It was easier just having them treat me like a normal person because they had no clue something was wrong. During that time a distant professional acquaintance randomly told me that his wife was going through a similar struggle to SO. I opened up to him about SO and we ended up having a really great conversation about our shared worries and concerns about the future (not identical, his wife is way younger than SO and they have two fairly young kids.) But I couldn't have just posted on linkedin, "by the way, SO is struggling with a potentially fatal illness that the docs can't figure out. If you, or someone you love, is also in this boat, reach out to me..."
I might have divulged a bit too much. I blame it on the wine. First time I've had alcohol in over a year. Told DH if he wanted to take advantage of me, now was the time to do it.
I've known this woman for over 20 years so I guess I'm used to her outrageous comments and so is her husband. He just rolls his eyes and shakes his head when she says it, and other pretty intimate things! She's a bit of a character but they're very happily married. I think to her, 'when is your mother going to die already' is like 'your mother annoys me' for someone else. You get used to her after a while but I do remember being scandalized the first time she said it. Funny that I'd forgotten all about it till your comment.
Did your professional acquaintance post about his wife's illness on linkedin?
And yes, I can see that having to deal with other people's well-meaning attention while your going through a difficult experience is sometimes not helpful depending on the person.
My family was so locked down with secrecy. They had a carefully curated appearance on the outside and totally zipped lips on the inside. I can think of very few questions I had as a child being answered. Not only were they not answered, I was usually berated for even asking being told it was none of my G*d d*mned business. What ?? I grew up with nothing being my business until both parents died then it being all my business and a huge mystery to be solved. Many of the people who might have helped me understand it were already gone.
So I have raised my son the opposite way. I have always answered his questions in an age appropriate way. We have no secrets, well...… I have no secrets from him.
Aww. I'm sorry to hear that Simplemind. I think you get it.
I think it says your wife thinks you're pretty hot! :laff: And you know it. ;) If you're sexy and you know it....LOL, I thought it said she thought I was a little too goofy for my age but when I showed her your response she said "yep, she gets me." ;)
LOL, I thought it said she thought I was a little too goofy for my age but when I showed her your response she said "yep, she gets me." ;)
:laff:. Does she call you her stud muffin? It's okay to be sexually objectified sometimes... I'm sure she likes your brain too. And your gentle soul. ;)
iris lilies
7-1-20, 11:26am
I really can’t imagine posting unhappy stuff on social media, but of course I didn’t grow up with social media as a major means of communications in my life.
Just because my family doesn’t go around quacking on about any unhappiness doesn’t mean that my parents were tight lipped and secretive. Our parents were completely open and straightforward about things like money, sex, death, illness.
Communicating about these topics was viewed as business that had to be taken care of.
:laff:. Does she call you her stud muffin?
No, after watching True Romance years ago I suggested she call me Doggie Daddy, but she declined the offer.
Did your professional acquaintance post about his wife's illness on linkedin?
God, I hope not!! My take that jp1's convo with the business acquaintance was spoken.
This brings up another weird culture change: when your business life and personal life intersects on social media. In general I really try to keep them separate. Now that I'm a little closer to retirement, I'm slightly more open on FB, but I absolutely do not share political or religious views on FB because of possible ramifications of business colleagues seeing it. I probably wouldn't post that stuff anyway, but I do not want work buddies to have a window into that sphere of my life.
I would never ever post ANYTHING remotely personal on LinkedIn.
I see social media as not only curated bits of life but the way we brand ourselves. Some of my friends have branded themselves as "activists," some as "lighthearted jokesters," some as "jet-setters."
When it comes to the transparency thing, I'm with IL. I think the defined roles for supporting others using one's own life and struggles are the people closest to them--not a bunch of random quasi-friends on a public forum.
Remember folks, I used FB Life metaphorically.
That's why I asked jp1 the question. If the convo was spoken, that's what I mean by being transparent. That one feels comfortable revealing part of ourselves, our lives, with others. Not that you need to jump on FB and post about your hemorrhoids! !Splat!
No, after watching True Romance years ago I suggested she call me Doggie Daddy, but she declined the offer.
I remember the movie, but not enough to know what Doggie Daddy means. I have an idea that comes to mind...
Remember folks, I used FB Life metaphorically.
That's why I asked jp1 the question. If the convo was spoken, that's what I mean by being transparent. That one feels comfortable revealing part of ourselves, our lives, with others. Not that you need to jump on FB and post about your hemorrhoids! !Splat!
Oh, I get it. I still feel that any time that I've been kind of transparent it's been like jp1's situation: someone else opened the door. And I usually keep the facts minimal, and I do not include anyone else unless they are relevant to the situation.
I come from a family of non-sharers, even within the family. So I was always weirded out by FB, which seemed narcissistic, and just like Jane said, a new form of the horrible Christmas letter.
Although we did send a Christmas letter a few times, just to catch up.
Did your professional acquaintance post about his wife's illness on linkedin?
Goodness, no! It happened when we were at the chit chatty beginning of a work related phone call and I asked how his wife was doing.
You make a good point, jp1--that involving others in your trials and tribulations can increase the stress load, depending on your personality. It would for me.
I think everyone is different when it comes to this. For instance when my parents passed away I had no interest in posting about it on facebook. Many of my friends apparently feel differently.
At the other extreme is a friend who is both very emotionally giving, but also very emotionally needy. His mother passed away almost 3 years ago and he still, from time to time, will post on Facebook something to the effect of "Mom, you've been gone 2 years, but I still miss you every day." Of course people click the love button, or post their sympathetic thoughts. While I do occasionally miss my parents, it would in no way make me feel better to post something like that.
I have an acquaintance who posts a lot of pictures of people and pets who have passed on; they're a rather gloomy sort and I don't understand how that helps anything.
iris lilies
7-1-20, 4:46pm
I think everyone is different when it comes to this. For instance when my parents passed away I had no interest in posting about it on facebook. Many of my friends apparently feel differently.
At the other extreme is a friend who is both very emotionally giving, but also very emotionally needy. His mother passed away almost 3 years ago and he still, from time to time, will post on Facebook something to the effect of "Mom, you've been gone 2 years, but I still miss you every day." Of course people click the love button, or post their sympathetic thoughts. While I do occasionally miss my parents, it would in no way make me feel better to post something like that.JP, that’s what I see my sister-in-law doing. Cant see doing that myself.
I have an acquaintance who posts a lot of pictures of people and pets who have passed on; they're a rather gloomy sort and I don't understand how that helps anything.
I can see doing that if it’s an anniversary of their death or Mother’s Day (if it was their mother of course) but on random days. Not me.
I’ve posted pics of my deceased cats Harry and Chris but never in sadness but just remembering how awesome they were.
Come to think of it, I did post about Chris’s death (Harry’s happened in the pre-Facebook world). Maybe the fact that I’m only willing to broadly share my sadness at the passing of a pet but not people is an indicator of how emotionally open I am or something.
I can see doing that if it’s an anniversary of their death or Mother’s Day (if it was their mother of course) but on random days. Not me.
I’ve posted pics of my deceased cats Harry and Chris but never in sadness but just remembering how awesome they were.
Come to think of it, I did post about Chris’s death (Harry’s happened in the pre-Facebook world). Maybe the fact that I’m only willing to broadly share my sadness at the passing of a pet but not people is an indicator of how emotionally open I am or something.
Peppered here and there is one thing, but 80% gloomy/morbid isn't a good sign, IMO..
Peppered here and there is one thing, but 80% gloomy/morbid isn't a good sign, IMO..
Definitely. Although more and more
I’m coming to agree with the sentiment that one is as happy as they decide to be. In these crazy times I’m trying to live that idea. Not always successfully...
Maybe the fact that I’m only willing to broadly share my sadness at the passing of a pet but not people is an indicator of how emotionally open I am or something.
I did post a little eulogy of my dog when she died 2 years ago. It made me feel better, and I did appreciate the condolences. But I don't post "memory" photos of her, like some do.
I grew up in family where intimate, vulnerable, painful or just simply emotional topics were pretty much never discussed (when my great grand mother died parents didn't tell me, I found out months later from distant cousin whom I asked if we'll meet at grandma's house during summer vacation). As we grew older me and my sister have quickly learned no to bring up anything like that just to keep peace and as younger children we were just too afraid to do it. It was natural to apply that to all other relationships.
My mother's default reaction is to be verbally aggressive in situations that make her uncomfortable and then she either quickly abandons the topic and 'punishes' everyone around by not talking to them or resorts to ridicule and humiliation which is hurtful.
It took me a while to learn to be at least a bit open with people around and I still don't like to talk about problems. And for the sake of my own sanity I am still very closed and guarded around my mother and would never attempt to talk with her about any struggles, feelings or even plans.
I am consciously making sure to not to replicate that model in my own family life and I am happy that husband and daughters feel free to bring up any topic and are open about what's going on for them.
Being open outside of close family circle seems absurd to me and oftentimes I am baffled or even embarrassed by what people publicly disclose. Especially on platforms where information can be looked up by colleagues or general public and misused - perhaps not now but years later when we would rather forget what our younger selves did or when situation changes dramatically - it can be uncomfortable or dangerous. Internet has long memory and wiping out your traces is sometimes close to impossible and not to go far for examples right now many people in HongKong are trying hard to get rid of evidence of their believes and opinions. We made sure to teach daughters to be very careful about sharing on social media.
meri, I agree with a lot of what you say. I was warned when I was young, be very careful what you put in writing!!! And you are right, once out on the internet, it's there pretty much forever. And sharing outside the family is done cautiously.
I'm fortunate that I do have a close family (and extended family!) and we share a lot with each other. While we may not share everything, we all know we are there for each other regardless of what struggles or joys are happening. For example, one is dealing with major health issues with spouse and we all ask and help. I couldn't imagine either of these people going through what they are dealing with alone! I'm glad we all share the good, the bad and everything in between.
iris lilies
7-2-20, 8:49am
I did post a little eulogy of my dog when she died 2 years ago. It made me feel better, and I did appreciate the condolences. But I don't post "memory" photos of her, like some do.
I’ve done something similar. One of the bulldog Facebook sites had a for fun questionnaire about the likes and dislikes and personally of our dog. I filled it out for my deceased dog, mainly because I just wanted people to know him.He was a character.
I've been known to use my long lost pals' names as screen names.
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