View Full Version : Mom has given up driving
rosarugosa
7-19-20, 5:45pm
I know that for many families, it is a major battle to get mom or dad to give up the car keys. Mom started driving in her early teens and has always been a confident and competent driver. Dad never drove, so she drove everyone everywhere for many years. About 3 years ago, she started having issues with getting lost going to familiar places; in fact, that was one of the early clues that something was seriously wrong. After her Alzheimer's diagnosis, she continued to drive, but less and less because there weren't too many places she felt confident about anymore. She would sometimes drive with me as navigator, and that worked pretty well for awhile, but then I read that this is not considered a wise strategy and she was making more frequent little slip-ups behind the wheel. She would often say, "I know you will be honest with me and let me know if you think I shouldn't be driving." Apparently my reputation for unflinching honesty is way over-rated. In truth I was very hesitant to be judge and jury for something that meant so much to her. Mom also often said "I hope I die before I ever have to give up driving." I finally realized that I was sort of waiting for some really bad thing to happen, and that was not a good strategy at all.
Things actually fell into place rather nicely. Mom spent the xmas holidays with her friend, then it was winter weather and she didn't want to go out, and time just kind of went by and Mom was saying, "I think I would like to take one last drive in my car," but then Covid happened and Mom started saying "I don't suppose I'll ever drive my car again," and then "we need to do something with my car."
We have a dear friend of many years who works a minimum wage job and takes the bus everywhere. He had a car several years ago, but someone totalled it and he hasn't had one since. We suggested to Mom that she might give her car to Bill, and this absolutely delighted her. That is how she is wired, if she could give the car to someone who could really use it, then that would give her great joy. DH and I had to facilitate everything (friend is not terribly sophisticated) so I arranged his insurance, we brought him to the broker, broker got his plates, we picked up plates, put them on the car and gave the car to Bill. It's a decent car too, 2009 Camry with 48,000 miles and all maintenance done regularly at the dealership. So there was a happy ending to all this!
Mom has increasing difficulty with the details of daily life, but she still retains her essential wisdom and values, and I am very grateful for that. If we had sold the car for her, it would not have made her nearly as happy as giving it to someone who needed it.
That is just great to hear!
iris lilies
7-19-20, 6:09pm
What a nice story! That’s very good outcome.
My mom with Alzheimer’s kind of faded with the driving thing. She had one strange incident with a local policeman where she claims the policeman kept her On the side of the Road for “ hours “ For pulling her over for an inFraction and was very mean to her. My brother, an
EMT in that small town knows all of the emergency and safety personnel and he thought that was unlikely, knowing that particular police officer.
Anyways – that was the first big signal that her ability to drive was going south pretty fast. I think she drove for a year or so after that, going locally only a couple of miles. And then there was winter where she didn’t go anywhere. And I think she forgot how to drive, because my brother found the car jammed catty Wompus in the garage. He did something to the car after that to make it so it wouldn’t start. She complained once or twice about it how we had to have it fixed and then she forgot about it.
It too found a good home with a college student who needed a car, A gift to that student.
That's a win win Rosa. My mom stopped driving 3 years or so ago when my father took over since he saw she couldn't really do that anymore. So when Dad died in February, it wasn't something we had to negotiate with her. She did keep her car for a couple of months, but then gave it to a granddaughter who lives in NYC, and only wants a car for when she's home in CT to get around without having to depend on her parents. Dad's truck went to a grandson who needed a truck for his business (he was renting them, and this was a big chunk of his expenses). It was good to be able to spread the blessings around.
You are so lucky she has stopped, Rosa, and what a nice happy ending.
Teacher Terry
7-19-20, 7:18pm
What a great gift! My friend with Alzheimer’s wouldn’t quit driving when it was no longer safe. My husband took her out for ice cream and it was gone when she got home. My dad loved to drive and had a big stroke at 59. He came home from 4 weeks in the hospital, took his driver’s license out, crumpling and throwing it across the room. He said I’ll never drive again. Super sad.
Your poor dad, Terry. That's rough.
We are so glad Mom gave up her license when she moved here at about 80yo. She was really only comfortable in the little town she lived in all her life and her vision was not what she really needed for driving.
She has a little bus system at her place, we take her out weekly (or did pre virus now we shop for her), and some of her friends drive. They took her out for her birthday. She does wish she had more "freedom" but we remind her it is for the best as our traffic is fast and heavy.
Lovely to read of gentle kinds of solutions to tough problems.
Teacher Terry
7-19-20, 10:30pm
Thanks Tybee. My mom got her driver’s license at age 54. My dad was getting sicker from emphysema from being a tool grinder. He had to retire at 54 due to ill health.
ToomuchStuff
7-20-20, 12:01am
So much easier before something happens.
I don't know when a doctor is responsible for filling out the form, letting the DMV know their patient isn't mentally fit to drive; I doubt that has gone away.
A friend who owns a restaurant, that I sharpen knives for, had an elderly couple that would go in fairly regularly. The wife was mentally fit, but had never had a license, the husband had alzheimers and drove everywhere. Their kids ignored it all, through everything including when his wife had to go into a home, and the father forgot where she was.
Another customer saw them finally react, when their dad, ordered a meal, twice, and paid for the first without eating it. They decided to have the talk with their father, who was getting up there, and their mom, that he cared for, who had alzheimers. From my friend who owns the restaurant, the family showed up, and their dad showed up a little late, and drove into the side of the building. He didn't say a word, just came in and handed his keys over.
I still find the second one funny, not so much the first one.
Glad it worked out for all.
Teacher Terry
7-20-20, 12:56am
It’s one reason we moved into town because we can use uber or Lyft if needed. No way I would live in a rural area that was dependent on driving.
iris lilies
7-20-20, 10:01am
This happened many years ago:
Our close friend called us at 2 o’clock in the morning. He needed a ride two hours away into another state. He had to go pick up his elderly father who was picked up by the police in another state for driving the wrong way on the highway. The police said to the effect that it was easy to get confused on this particular highway. The old dad had not intended to go that far into that state he would just got out for a little drive, got confuse, kept driving,…
Our friend took his dad’s keys away but that made the dad very very mad. Somehow he got more keys. He continued to drive, but at least he wasn’t driving at night and he didn’t drive far.
My Dad got into several accidents in the last couple of years he was driving. My sister attempted to take away the keys once, but for whatever reason unbeknownst to me, she gave them back. It was very stressful during those times especially when he took his last long distance trip several months before he died and yeah he had a fender bender on the way home.
I am dreading the day I have to take the keys away from DH (probably not far off). At this point, if we're going anywhere together, I drive. He hasn't been driving much since the shut-down. He will drive to the grocery store. He did drive us to church Sunday morning and did fine (it's a short drive). He has worked as a paraprofessional at a local high school the last 2 years and has been asked back. With the probable reduced class size, I won't be surprised if they don't need him. That might be a blessing in disguise and save him the hurt of them possibly letting him go this year because he can't do the job anymore.
At this point, I'm ok with him driving to the grocery store/gas station, church and school. He has always prided himself on his driving and is quick to point out others' mistakes. I think this is especially true as his other life skills are diminishing, which means taking the keys away will really hurt him, but I know I have to do it for everyone's safety.
Teacher Terry
7-21-20, 4:15pm
My friend with Alzheimer’s wouldn’t quit driving so besides selling her car he had to lock the keys in a safe when home. She actually was a good driver for a long time. Sorry you are going through this Becky. He is also young to have the disease as was my friend.
My friend with Alzheimer’s wouldn’t quit driving so besides selling her car he had to lock the keys in a safe when home. She actually was a good driver for a long time. Sorry you are going through this Becky. He is also young to have the disease as was my friend. Thanks, Teacher Terry. DH is 68 and I'm 60. I started noticing symptoms 3-4 years ago; he was diagnosed almost 2 years ago.
Teacher Terry
7-21-20, 5:14pm
I consider that young for dementia. It’s amazing he’s been able to work which I am sure is good for him.
Since her accident my mother is not driving since her chest is still sore where the seat belt rests. She will not let me go to the store for her, instead making my dad who is 81 drive her on all her recreational shopping trips. They didn't wait for the insurance check to come, they rushed right out and bought another car the day after the accident and were proudly saying now they would not be a burden on me although I told them it was no burden.
Teacher Terry
7-21-20, 8:21pm
They value their independence and don’t want to be treated like children.
rosarugosa
7-22-20, 5:41am
Thanks, Teacher Terry. DH is 68 and I'm 60. I started noticing symptoms 3-4 years ago; he was diagnosed almost 2 years ago.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this, Beckyliz. I didn't realize your DH had been diagnosed with AD. My DH seems to believe he is the only competent driver on the road, so I cannot imagine what it would be like to take the keys away from him.
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