View Full Version : Self-pity parties - managing them?
I confess that I do get occasional moments of self-pity or sadness but deal with them and carry on. Yesterday, I had one ( a post-Christmas one) and a friend, coincidently, sent me an email that talked about 'today is the best day of my life' and the reasons why; some of which I will post below.
So basically, how do you manage your own mental self-care?
I usually recognize it for what it is - start counting my blessings and continue until that suggestion of feeling down dissolves or I think of someone to call or ?
"Today, when I awoke, I suddenly realized that this is the best day of my life, ever
There were times when I wondered if I would make it to today; but I did!
And because I did I'm going to celebrate!
Today, I'm going to celebrate what an unbelievable life I have had so far: the accomplishments, the many blessings, and, yes, even the hardships because they have served to make me stronger.
I will go through this day with my head held high and a happy heart..."
Teacher Terry
12-29-20, 1:02pm
I focus on the many close friendships that I have in addition to my loving sons and DIL.
happystuff
12-29-20, 1:05pm
I try to get outside for a walk. I am doing "something" and getting away from the house and just looking at the world as I go. It is usually enough to get me feeling better about everything/anything. But... I will admit the hardest part is actually getting up and out!
catherine
12-29-20, 1:24pm
Perspective.
I'll paraphrase an entry I wrote once in my journal. I felt like I was going through hell. I didn't have enough money by far. I was a working mother of 3 kids. My husband was misbehaving. My stress level was through the roof.
We belonged to a community arts group in a rural area of upstate New York, and one night I went to an event there. One of the members came up to talk to me, and I don't know how the door opened for her to say what she did, but she said, "You are so lucky. You are talented, and you have 3 beautiful children and a husband that loves you."
My take on that bordered on shock and my first thought was, "I'm not feeling lucky."
My second take on it was, maybe I need to put things in perspective.
In truth, she was looking at the cover and not the inside of the book. She didn't know about my stress or any of the details of my life as a working mother and wife. But she was right. I was lucky. Let's start there, and then work out the details--that was how I looked at it.
So, I think that when I'm in a funk, putting things in perspective helps a lot.
ApatheticNoMore
12-29-20, 1:30pm
Post-modern [sic maybe meant modern] morality is the only morality in which we have an obligation to enjoyment, so was a line I came across yesterday.
Duty and acts based morality has to be easy in comparison.
catherine
12-29-20, 1:32pm
Post-modern [sic maybe meant modern] morality is the only morality in which we have an obligation to enjoyment, so was a line I came across yesterday.
Duty and acts based morality has to be easy in comparison.
Interesting--can you elaborate? Who said it? What's the meaning?
ApatheticNoMore
12-29-20, 1:55pm
Interesting--can you elaborate? Who said it? What's the meaning?
here is where I say something even more pretentious like it was some famous thinker. Lol, it was me looking inside this book, for some author called Paul Verhaeghe who seems to be some little known European leftist psychoanalyst writing social commentary books on modern life and neoliberalism, but for all that seems easy reading and so I might, writing that in a book about love and sex.
But what I interpret from that as has been said many times modern life is often performative, and certainly with social media especially, where we are always performing how happy we are. And that maybe all cultures weren't so performative on the happiness thing and didn't feel obliged to be, but just did their duties and social obligations whatever they were, whereever they were, and that was enough and what they were judged on. No obligation to enjoy in love or otherwise.
I have been having a lot of sad moments lately about being the sidelined grandma. When I go there in the middle of the night, I repeat my "mantra" that I can' t always control the situation but I can always change my perspective.
I indulged in a pity party over the weekend- I was excluded from some Christmas activities. Not out of any malevolence, but more out of just not thinking about me. My sister moved around the corner from her son/wife/grandkids and her other son was visiting from out of state (yes he did a covid test when he arrived) and they had impromptu visits that didn't include me (I'm 1 1/2 hours away so I understand). It just played into childhood of course, being the 3rd child with a big age gap I was excluded from a lot of things because I was "too little".
Christmas is really the only time where I'm wistful about not having had kids and its more about having a guaranteed tribe around me, and of course, that is never a guarantee. I had to remind myself that the rest of the year I'm ok with all of that, and its actually kind of good to not be in the middle of minor sniping between my sister and her kids, and all of the drama that happens.
It doesn't help that I'm feeling isolated and lonely and envious when I see people on Facebook in restaurants and the like. I've been home for 10 months outside of short visits to stores, and likely at least another 6 months going forward. Texts and the occasional Zoom are not a good substitute for a long winding conversation that goes lots of places. But I remind myself that I, and my family, are healthy. I don't have to worry about money or doing a stressful job being retired, I have things that I /could/ do if I was motivated. I could have it so so so much worse so I give myself a pep talk, take a nap or have a glass of wine and feel better for a while.
I sit outside after dark and look at the night sky. Then I realize how small everything is in comparison.
I use the StarTrackerLite app. Because I can’t look without needing several questions answered ...
ApatheticNoMore
12-29-20, 4:01pm
It doesn't help that I'm feeling isolated and lonely and envious when I see people on Facebook in restaurants and the like.
yes but unless they are New Zealand or similar (grrr pity we aren't all) they are exposing themselves to covid. What's so great about that?
yes but unless they are New Zealand or similar (grrr pity we aren't all) they are exposing themselves to covid. What's so great about that?
Exactly. A friend keeps posting angry comments every time some politician or other famous person is out pretending life is normal. I keep gently reminding her that no one is stopping her from doing the same (she lives in a red state, everything is still open) but that she stays home because she wants to keep her family safe.
I’m seeing such an increase of judgement between people. Topics are decisions around masks, seeing family, going out, working, sports teams, even walking down the street.
It’s tiring. None of us knows all the details of each circumstance and how the risk analysis was done by others.
All of this judgement is the opposite of my favorite concept in all of psychology: unconditional positive regard.
catherine
12-29-20, 7:14pm
I’m seeing such an increase of judgement between people. Topics are decisions around masks, seeing family, going out, working, sports teams, even walking down the street.
It’s tiring. None of us knows all the details of each circumstance and how the risk analysis was done by others.
All of this judgement is the opposite of my favorite concept in all of psychology: unconditional positive regard.
Thanks, Tammy, for the observation.
Deleting my post due to its pettiness. I try not to be judgmental, but I failed there.
ApatheticNoMore
12-29-20, 7:28pm
I’m seeing such an increase of judgement between people. Topics are decisions around masks, seeing family, going out, working, sports teams, even walking down the street.
It’s tiring. None of us knows all the details of each circumstance and how the risk analysis was done by others.
All of this judgement is the opposite of my favorite concept in all of psychology: unconditional positive regard.
We have been left on our own, told to manage a pandemic on our own. Our governments have failed us, failed to prevent the spread of the pandemic, failed to provide us with tools in the form of adequate economic help, sick leave, ability to isolate when sick, PPE, quick testing etc., and this is pretty much the condition here now, failed to even prevent the hospitals from getting overwhelmed, the lowest possible bar: Don't Let the Hospitals Get Overwhelmed. Months into a pandemic, and one job and they failed to do it.
Meanwhile local public health every single day almost blames the public for the spread of a pandemic that has overwhelmed the medical system. I follow their messages. How does anyone expect this to lead to anything other than everyone blaming everyone else for an out of control pandemic? "Oh I've been good but I don't know about YOU". If we are truly on our own (and the health department here tells us this pandemic is all our fault for gathering with others) we must police each other because we are all we've got. Or else just hide in our bunkers, but not everyone can hide or has a bunker.
Thanks, Tammy, for the observation.
Deleting my post due to its pettiness. I try not to be judgmental, but I failed there.
Oh I wasn’t thinking of you. Just speaking in general.
Yes - our government doesn’t help. This is a natural outcome of the pull yourself up by your bootstraps culture.
catherine
12-29-20, 7:49pm
Oh I wasn’t thinking of you. Just speaking in general.
Yeah, but when I re-read my post through that lens, it was definitely mean-spirited.
3547
During the first lockdown in early April of this year I was out walking my dog as were many other people and I was talking to my neighbours. People were scared of the unknowns.
A big burly man was coming towards us leading a tiny little dog and kept muttering, "It's a conspiracy." My neighbours and I looked at each other quite startled. As he got closer, he repeated, "This is all a conspiracy" - a pause - "a conspiracy by all the dogs to get their daily walks." That released the tension of that moment in time and we roared with laughter.
The cartoon reminded me.
frugal-one
12-29-20, 9:30pm
[QUOTE=Tammy;371444]I’m seeing such an increase of judgement between people. Topics are decisions around masks, seeing family, going out, working, sports teams, even walking down the street.
It’s tiring. None of us knows all the details of each circumstance and how the risk analysis was done by others.
All of this judgement is the opposite of my favorite concept in all of psychology: unconditional positive regard.[/,
————————-
Unconditional positive regard is the basic acceptance and support of a person regardless of what the person says or does. I don’t agree with this at all nor is it realistic.
I am definitely having more of these self-pitying moments due to the pandemic. We used to just be able to walk into the office but now it's locked to keep customers out. It's in the 20's and I'm knocking on the door but no one can answer, everyone is on the phone or went to help at the counter because this being a holiday week we're short staffed. So I have to go in through the store though that's not my zone because I can't get into the building and I will be late. I have to go to my car to get another mask since the one I wear at work is in my desk. I get it and I'm trying to put it on but I'm wearing gloves and I can't get it, it keeps slipping off. Meanwhile I am juggling that with double water bottles from home because the water cooler is outside my zone, my lunch box, and my purse. It's a struggle just to get in the door.
And I do think of all the people sitting in their warm houses, working from home, or retired, or collecting more in unemployment than they did working, maybe wearing a mask one hour a week to go shopping, and judging me.
ApatheticNoMore
12-29-20, 10:09pm
They judge you for being a troll.
JaneV2.0
12-29-20, 10:30pm
I do pretty well avoiding pity parties. When I go there, I just remind myself I've got a working brain, both sides of my body function (or don't) in the same way, I have adequate money and a roof over my head, and I'm relatively safe from COVID. I don't mind spending a year at home, and it looks like the future will be brighter fairly soon.. Also, wallowing in self-pity would accomplish nothing save making me feel lousy.
[QUOTE=Tammy;371444]I’m seeing such an increase of judgement between people. Topics are decisions around masks, seeing family, going out, working, sports teams, even walking down the street.
It’s tiring. None of us knows all the details of each circumstance and how the risk analysis was done by others.
All of this judgement is the opposite of my favorite concept in all of psychology: unconditional positive regard.[/,
————————-
Unconditional positive regard is the basic acceptance and support of a person regardless of what the person says or does. I don’t agree with this at all nor is it realistic.
You don’t have to agree, obviously. But this concept is the bedrock of psychology for the bulk of the second half of the 20th century. So that’s a pretty big statement you’ve just made. :)
I think many people put on a convincing happy face for others. I've noticed that some people seem to have a stigma about not seeming endlessly happy around other people. This can make others feel guilty about feeling lousy once in a while, since we tend to compare ourselves with others, but these comparisons often leave a lot out. When I catch myself comparing my life with others, I try to stop immediately and tell myself that we all go down different paths. We all had advantages and disadvantages based on our individual circumstances and I can only have the cards that I was dealt and the other people have only the cards that they were dealt. I'm not a "failure" because of my situation, but I had to navigate the path that I was put on, which wasn't completely of my choosing. I've always liked how Arthur Miller characterized psychoanalysis when he was once asked how his ex-wife Marilyn Monroe reacted to it. He said something along the lines of "they treat suffering as if it's some kind of a mistake, but suffering is something we should grow and develop from." We shouldn't be ashamed at having moments of self-pity. As long as we don't wallow in them, I think they're pretty normal for just about everyone.
frugal-one
12-30-20, 1:07pm
[QUOTE=frugal-one;371465]
You don’t have to agree, obviously. But this concept is the bedrock of psychology for the bulk of the second half of the 20th century. So that’s a pretty big statement you’ve just made. :)
What is the saying? " Judge a person not by what they say but what they do?" You are saying support anyone regardless. In other words, be a doormat.
iris lilies
12-30-20, 1:14pm
[QUOTE=Tammy;371472]
What is the saying? " Judge a person not by what they say but what they do?" You are saying support anyone regardless. In other words, be a doormat.
I don’t think that’s the intended interpretation. Holding someone in regard is more of an of an attitude, a mindset. It doesn’t talk about one’s actions in dealing with that other person.
On the other hand, obviously someone who has acted in despicable ways will not earn my regard.
For people we newly meet or people we know only through media, a general attitude of goodwill and regard for their positive intentions is good for our own mental health and good for the world. If/when the other person proves to be untrustworthy, dishonest, etc. – that’s when we lose our high regard.
One of my friends seems to be moved to declare “ I like that person! I don’t like that person!” Much sooner than I had formed an opinion about those people. I just didn’t feel it necessary to form an opinion about another person on a casual basis since the general attitude of “positive regard” worked in all situations in these casual relationships.
catherine
12-30-20, 1:35pm
I've been stepping up my walking routine and to cut the boredom (the one bad thing about where I live is you have to drive to interesting walking paths) I listen to podcasts.. my DD turned me on to Ram Dass podcasts, which in general, are very, very good. He's a U.S. Northeastern Jew-turned-psychologist/guru, so it doesn't take a lot to relate to him--he has a very approachable way of speaking and educating.
He was saying that other day that people are all different, but through his spiritual practice, when he looks at anyone, including his clients, he is one with them. I think that's what Tammy is saying. Relating to people requires looking at them with respect, regard, and with an acknowledgement that we are all one.
frugal-one
12-30-20, 2:31pm
I've been stepping up my walking routine and to cut the boredom (the one bad thing about where I live is you have to drive to interesting walking paths) I listen to podcasts.. my DD turned me on to Ram Dass podcasts, which in general, are very, very good. He's a U.S. Northeastern Jew-turned-psychologist/guru, so it doesn't take a lot to relate to him--he has a very approachable way of speaking and educating.
He was saying that other day that people are all different, but through his spiritual practice, when he looks at anyone, including his clients, he is one with them. I think that's what Tammy is saying. Relating to people requires looking at them with respect, regard, and with an acknowledgement that we are all one.
The definition of unconditional positive regard is different than what you are saying IMO.
A lot of people don't acknowledge psychology as a legitimate profession, or "hard" science. My only brush with it was in college, and I wasn't impressed. Maybe it's changed for the better.
He was saying that other day that people are all different, but through his spiritual practice, when he looks at anyone, including his clients, he is one with them. I think that's what Tammy is saying. Relating to people requires looking at them with respect, regard, and with an acknowledgement that we are all one.
There is a lot of wisdom in this approach.
I am in charge of my reality by how I view the world so I create my own reality in many ways. How does that song go - you have to be taught to hate...?
If you view another as an enemy because of a negative bias of whatever nature, you have created that reality. Change the filter, change the view. You are in charge, not a doormat.
It is a lot easier and much more peaceful using the "unconditional positive regard" approach. How the other responds is their responsibility.
iris lilies
12-30-20, 3:08pm
A lot of people don't acknowledge psychology as a legitimate profession, or "hard" science. My only brush with it was in college, and I wasn't impressed. Maybe it's changed for the better.
Well, it’s not a hard science. That’s an established fact. That doesn’t mean that there’s not Some value in it for some people sometimes. Notice all of those qualifiers “some “.
But I’m struggling with this concept of positive regard right now. This morning I am indulging in communicating with someone who annoys me. It is not her fault that she annoys me. I know objectively and intellectually that she shouldn’t bother me. Yet, her words are one of my triggers for annoyance and I pinged her via email because I want her to put her money where her mouth is. I want her to actually HELP a homeless man since her BIG IDEAS about actions for the homeless have been silly.
There is a guy who continually asks for help on Nextdoor, so why doesn’t she help him? He’s right there posting in her neighborhood, seems pretty simple to me.
I will admit that this is entirely on me in my attitude of disregard for her sincerity. This is the second time I’ve conversed with her via email about this man, and the first time she was unable to find his posts on Nextdoor. I just have to shake my head because I don’t understand why she cannot see them but OK, whatever. See, I suspect she has learned helplessness and indulges in ineffectual actions, but I don’t really know.
But the bottom line is that this is my problem. It is not her problem. So I hang onto this because, as Dr. Laura would say, it makes me feel important! I collect her words and lack of actions to pile up in my treasure box of superiority.
This is not pretty, but it is the truth.
Well, it’s not a hard science. That’s an established fact. That doesn’t mean that there’s not Some value in it for some people sometimes. Notice all of those qualifiers “some “.
But I’m struggling with this concept of positive regard right now. This morning I am indulging in communicating with someone who annoys me. ....
I'm with you--some value, some of the time, for some people--depending on the practitioner. And that can be true of medicine, too.
"Positive regard" is a good place for the layperson to start, but it quickly breaks down when reality shows itself, IMO. :devil:
ApatheticNoMore
12-30-20, 4:00pm
I think in psychological practice it may make very little sense, cause uh shrinks they know people very well, a lot of situations are those where we maybe don't know people all that well, and maybe we can try to assume the best at least if they haven't set out becoming our enemies (like say a work bully). There is much we don't know anyway. But shrinks, they may not actually have such regard for everyone knowing them as well as they do.
Among the most misanthropic people I ever met were social workers. I suspect they didn't start out that way.
iris lilies
12-30-20, 4:53pm
....
"Positive regard" is a good place for the layperson to start, but it quickly breaks down when reality shows itself, IMO. :devil:
yes! So I guess the goal here should be for that positive regard to be extended as long as possible. That really is the crux of the matter, figuring out how to let go of the annoyances that the other person puts in your path.
I’m not ready to let go of this particular one because reason stated above,:)
Predictibly, my email partner Shows concerned about Mr. homeless guy but she is unable to find his post. Yet again. I’m not able to link it for her because the software does not support that, but I told her exactly the phrase to search. Let’s see if she can find the post from Mr. Homeless. Let’s see if she will help him. He’s already stated he does not want to go to a homeless shelter.
We weren't able to do senior hours this morning due to weather so set out after lunch. OMG, the place was jam-packed, nut to butt...New Year's I guess. Lots of exposed noses, coughing, sneezing, absolutely no distancing or even a care to. I couldn't wait to get out of there.
[QUOTE=Tammy;371472]
What is the saying? " Judge a person not by what they say but what they do?" You are saying support anyone regardless. In other words, be a doormat.
No that’s not the concept. But I’m too tired to explain. Google has lots of info on this concept.
A lot of people don't acknowledge psychology as a legitimate profession, or "hard" science. My only brush with it was in college, and I wasn't impressed. Maybe it's changed for the better.
It’s the bedrock of my 23 year career. I’ve worked with genius level professionals in many disciplines within this area. It’s real.
I’ve read the comments. I get it - it’s difficult. I’ve had unconditional positive regard for murderers and rapists. It doesn’t mean I approve of their actions. Nor that I think they are good people. But they are human, and that’s the basis of the idea. Humanity.
frugal-one
12-30-20, 6:18pm
I’ve read the comments. I get it - it’s difficult. I’ve had unconditional positive regard for murderers and rapists. It doesn’t mean I approve of their actions. Nor that I think they are good people. But they are human, and that’s the basis of the idea. Humanity.
Duh .. redundant gobbledygook! We all are human.
So I guess the next step in our conversation is for me to admit that I’ve wasted my entire career and that the mantra that ruled my life was all a mistake.
Ok you win
ApatheticNoMore
12-30-20, 7:30pm
Oh I'm sure you did a lot of good in your career. Therapy (although that isn't exactly what you did) is sometimes helpful and sometimes not, I've sworn it off, and other times felt I needed it, it's a sort of gray area. I'm just not much of a believer that anyone can have unconditional positive regard for everyone.
I'm thinking unconditional positive regard is a valuable professional approach to one's clients, and possibly helpful also to laypeople--though entirely optional for them.
catherine
12-30-20, 7:48pm
There are some that do have positive unconditional regard for everyone, and it's hard to achieve to be sure, but that doesn't mean it's not attainable, or a worthless endeavor.
I'm thinking unconditional positive regard is a valuable professional approach to one's clients, and possibly helpful also to laypeople--though entirely optional for them.
Funny about the different viewpoints on this, some I confess, I find puzzling.
My take is that I, alone, am responsible for how I think and act. I don't let others and their behaviour define who I am, think or behave. I try to look for the best in people aka unconditional positive regard and am sovereign in making that choice. It is an important value for me and in my life. There is nothing doormat in that.
Doormat, to me, is letting others define your thoughts, behaviour or choices.
Tammy, you have provided a lot of important and amazing professional care in your varied career. I recognize and acknowledge that. Don't let your tiredness from covid and all the changes that have resulted let you lose sight of that. I have experienced burnout and know how draining that can be.
catherine
12-30-20, 8:11pm
Funny about the different viewpoints on this, some I confess, I find puzzling.
My take is that I, alone, am responsible for how I think and act. I don't let others and their behaviour define who I am, think or behave. I try to look for the best in people aka unconditional positive regard and am sovereign in making that choice. It is an important value for me and in my life. There is nothing doormat in that.
Doormat, to me, is letting others define your thoughts, behaviour or choices.
Totally agree.. a doormat is not defined by loving thoughts towards others; it's defined by your inability to act appropriately towards them.
frugal-one
12-30-20, 9:11pm
Oh I'm sure you did a lot of good in your career. Therapy (although that isn't exactly what you did) is sometimes helpful and sometimes not, I've sworn it off, and other times felt I needed it, it's a sort of gray area. I'm just not much of a believer that anyone can have unconditional positive regard for everyone.
Exactly.
Razz, in your original post, you asked,
"So basically, how do you manage your own mental self-care?
I usually recognize it for what it is - start counting my blessings and continue until that suggestion of feeling down dissolves or I think of someone to call or ?"
I think I try to get moving and improve something--it can be something simple like cleaning a room or restoring order to a space, or pulling weeds--a lot of times my mental state is affected by clutter or mess and so if I can straighten things out, I will start to feel more hopeful.
Good approach, Tybee. As I thought about your post, I realized that 'getting moving and improving something' puts one back in the driver's seat of one's emotions counteracting the feeling of helplessness or similar feelings. I really like that!
I definitely think it’s possible to have unconditional positive regard for people. It may be difficult to achieve and I certainly don’t at all times. In thinking about this perhaps it is useful to swap in other animals. Speaking with the animal shelter’s cat behaviorist the other day she told a heartbreaking story about a two year old cat that got triggered by his cat sitter’s phone and literally went for her jugular after being a model citizen his entire life. Behaviorist knew it was the phone because apparently that’s a thing but she still had to recommend that he be put down. Did she, or me when hearing the story, think he was a monster demon cat? No. We were both sad that he had to be put down even though it was the right decision for the safety of his owner and anyone else he might come in contact with.
iris lilies
1-1-21, 11:25am
I definitely think it’s possible to have unconditional positive regard for people. It may be difficult to achieve and I certainly don’t at all times. In thinking about this perhaps it is useful to swap in other animals. Speaking with the animal shelter’s cat behaviorist the other day she told a heartbreaking story about a two year old cat that got triggered by his cat sitter’s phone and literally went for her jugular after being a model citizen his entire life. Behaviorist knew it was the phone because apparently that’s a thing but she still had to recommend that he be put down. Did she, or me when hearing the story, think he was a monster demon cat? No. We were both sad that he had to be put down even though it was the right decision for the safety of his owner and anyone else he might come in contact with.
That is a great illustration, and one I can relate to.
I definitely think it’s possible to have unconditional positive regard for people. It may be difficult to achieve and I certainly don’t at all times. In thinking about this perhaps it is useful to swap in other animals. Speaking with the animal shelter’s cat behaviorist the other day she told a heartbreaking story about a two year old cat that got triggered by his cat sitter’s phone and literally went for her jugular after being a model citizen his entire life. Behaviorist knew it was the phone because apparently that’s a thing but she still had to recommend that he be put down. Did she, or me when hearing the story, think he was a monster demon cat? No. We were both sad that he had to be put down even though it was the right decision for the safety of his owner and anyone else he might come in contact with.
I don't get the correlation??? Unconditional positive regard is the basic acceptance and support of a person regardless of what the person says or does. If there was unconditional positive regard the cat would not have been put down.
I don't get the correlation??? Unconditional positive regard is the basic acceptance and support of a person regardless of what the person says or does. If there was unconditional positive regard the cat would not have been put down.
But transferring that thought back to humans should we not punish murderers or others who commit crimes? That would lead to anarchy and brutal dominance of society by ruthless individuals who would take advantage of everyone else's unconditional positive regard.
And what should have been done with the cat? His human can't spend the rest of the cat's life in fear that the cat may freak out again and try to harm him or someone else.
Regard is not equivalent to consequences.
This is how our rugged individualism trips us up - and it applies to our unconditional positive regard discussion I believe.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mental-mishaps/202101/new-year-s-resolution-it-s-not-your-fault
But transferring that thought back to humans should we not punish murderers or others who commit crimes? That would lead to anarchy and brutal dominance of society by ruthless individuals who would take advantage of everyone else's unconditional positive regard.
And what should have been done with the cat? His human can't spend the rest of the cat's life in fear that the cat may freak out again and try to harm him or someone else.
So, in effect, there can be no unconditional positive regard.
This is how our rugged individualism trips us up - and it applies to our unconditional positive regard discussion I believe.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mental-mishaps/202101/new-year-s-resolution-it-s-not-your-fault
In the article... The problems in the world and our lives are not completely our personal responsibilities.
There are times when this is not true. Therefore, there is no unconditional positive regard. I will not respond again. I think this whole concept is flawed.
It’s amazing how you know more than multiple PhD psychologists ... ;)
After reading the Wikipedia page on unconditional positive regard I have learned that it’s not called unconditional acceptance. The concept of UPR is the belief that every person has within them the capacity to change for the better because of their humanity. That not doing so in a clinical setting will cause the patient to shut down because they see the clinician doesn’t have hope for them to be capable of change. I’m sure that’s a quite simplified version of the concept but it seems reasonable to me.
Frugal-one, I see the concept of 'unconditional positive regard' very simply; as "I have not walked in your shoes nor have you walked in mine, I value your right to be as I accept my own." There is neither judgement nor consequence involved in my positive mutual regard of you. Consequences come to each of us individually as we make our choices going through life.
UPR reminds of when I was younger and my mother would say "I will always love you no matter what, even though I don't always love your behavior."
Some Christians say it’s like unconditional love from the Bible.
Another thing I like to do when I am feeling low is to read biographies. There are always rough patches in people's lives, and it is instructive to read about how they got through them. I find it encouraging, to read how others survived their difficulties.
Some Christians say it’s like unconditional love from the Bible.
That's true. Other religions say the same. Here's what Buddhist Thich Nhat Hanh has said about loving your enemy
"In the eyes of Great Compassion, there is no separation between subject and object, no separate self. If a cruel and violent person disembowels you, you can smile and look at him with love. It is his upbringing, his situation, and his ignorance that cause him to act so mindlessly. Look at him—the one who is bent on your destruction and heaps injustice upon you—with the eyes of love and compassion. Let compassion pour from your eyes, and don’t let a ripple of blame or anger rise up in your heart. He commits senseless crimes against you and makes you suffer because he cannot see the way to peace, joy, or understanding."
When he was asked after 9/11 how to approach terrorists, he gave an analogy to the "evil" person having an illness, and you being a clinician:
“A doctor wants to destroy the malaria in a sick person, not destroy the patient himself. Terrorists are human beings who are sick with the virus of terrorism. The virus you see is made of fear, hatred, and violence. You can be a doctor for a person with this illness. Your medicine is the practice of restoring communication.
“But if a doctor cannot talk to a patient, if the patient refuses to cooperate, then how can the doctor help? If the patient refuses the doctor’s help, doesn’t trust her, and fears the doctor maybe trying to kill him, he will never cooperate. Even if the doctor is motivated by a great desire to help, she cannot do anything if the patient will not collaborate. So the first thing the doctor has to do is find ways to open communication. If you can talk to the patient, then there is hope. If the doctor can begin by acknowledging the patient’s suffering, then mutual understanding can develop and collaboration can begin."
Razz, in your original post, you asked,
"So basically, how do you manage your own mental self-care?
I usually recognize it for what it is - start counting my blessings and continue until that suggestion of feeling down dissolves or I think of someone to call or ?"
I think I try to get moving and improve something--it can be something simple like cleaning a room or restoring order to a space, or pulling weeds--a lot of times my mental state is affected by clutter or mess and so if I can straighten things out, I will start to feel more hopeful.
I think this is definitely what works for me. I almost never spend time feeling sorry for myself, and I think that's because I'm pretty quick to get moving and engage in productive activity.
iris lilies
1-3-21, 2:29pm
I think this is definitely what works for me. I almost never spend time feeling sorry for myself, and I think that's because I'm pretty quick to get moving and engage in productive activity.
I,too, almost never feel sorry for myself, but I am often annoyed with others. So that is not a peaceful mental place to be, and it is probably some sort of spiritual failing, name the flavor.
Teacher Terry
1-3-21, 3:39pm
I am more like IL in this area.
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