View Full Version : When I Get Old ...
I remember my mother always saying, "I don't want to be a burden on anyone. When I get old put me in a nice assisted living facility. I don't want to be like my mother living alone unsafely." (My grandma had ministrokes and would fall and it would be hours before her sister who lived next door would come to check on her and find her.)
Now mom acknowledges she is losing her mind "like my mother did" but says as long as she can still recognize my dad she wants to go on as is, and if she gets to the point where she doesn't know him she wants to die. No mention of any other living options. She is on Eliquis to try to prevent the strokes, but it would not surprise me if she has had some - unexplained fainting or weakness episodes etc.
I think she is already a danger to herself. She could not remember why she doesn't eat gluten so had some and it made her sick. She has had celiac disease for something like 20 years. A facility would know her allergens and control her diet.
After this episode I called my brother who lives with/off my parents. He did not answer so I left him a message about my concerns, including that she sometimes goes walking by herself and what if she can't remember how to get home. He never called me back. The situation works for him. She also goes driving sometimes by herself. She refuses to let me go for groceries or anything for her. Going shopping is recreation for her. My brother refuses to get a driver's license, so she "has to" get the food for him as well as herself and my dad, though usually dad helps her with that. I got them a freezer so they don't have to go out so often with covid but she says she "has to" in order to get fresh salad greens because my brother likes them.
She also mentioned recently which she never has before if my father dies before she does she will take out a reverse mortgage so she can afford to keep living in the house. I don't know if my brother is encouraging this idea or not. A neighbor of hers got such a mortgage.
Is this the way it is with everyone, that their younger promises to go gracefully into dependent living situations disappear when the need actually arises?
iris lilies
1-30-21, 9:39pm
Yes, pretty much.
I have friends 80+ years old in 2 households who sold their big old houses while in their early-mid 70’s and bought condos. They are active in the community, and one couple travels out of the country at least twice a year while also taking many in-country trips. Exchanged spending money on the big house for spending money on nice travel. They are great role models for DH and me. They bought two condos Dash one largest one for the two of them, and then a smaller one for one one of them dies. It is an elevator building.
But they are a small minority. Mainly, I see decay-in-place as the norm.
In my neighborhood to be proactive there are several steps “down” : first, get rid of 3-4 story living in a 150-year-old house. The ones who do that and who want to stay in our neighborhood either do massive conversions to their Victorian house to have everything on one floor, or they build new which is not easy to do because there’s precious few lots left anymore. Or, they buy a condo, but the nice ones are all $300,000 plus those are changing hands without even going on the market since all my peers are thinking of the next stage.
Then, after independent living in a downsized place in the neighborhood, assisted-living is next but there’s nothing here that does that Although there are a couple places within the city.
Teacher Terry
1-30-21, 9:47pm
Unfortunately unless you have a lot of money you don’t end up in a nice independent living facility but a adequate or even a shitty place that frequently smells like urine. You share a small room with a stranger. Spend some time in a place that most can afford. Even people with dementia go from being happy at home to miserable in a facility. They also go downhill fast once put into a institution. Adults have the right not to be safe. They aren’t children.
My mom chose to stay home until a week before she died. She had cancer and forgot to put her cellphone in her robe pocket. She fell and laid in her waste for 18 hours until her sister who lived across the hall checked on her. None of us lived near her. We respected her choice and she didn’t regret it. For the last 3 years of her life I took all my vacation and sick leave to stay with her when needed. My older siblings were retired and would go help. My mom cared for my dad at home for 14 years with my help. When his care became too much he was going to a nursing home. He asked on a Wednesday what day he was going and told Monday. He died on Friday despite not being terminal.
Your brother should get a driver’s license and start earning his keep by helping your parents. With dementia the day will come when there’s no choice except for your mom to go to a home. I hope your brother starts helping so your dad doesn’t kill himself from trying to take care of your mom.
Simplemind
1-30-21, 9:48pm
They don't know what they don't know. I'm sure you have read a lot of posts from those of us that have taken care of parents with dementia. Now is the time to make a move to get your parents health and financial needs in order. I don't know if your dad is still OK but your mom is at the dangerous point. She should not be driving. Not just because she is getting lost but because her judgement is failing believe me, they also loose track of what the correct speed is and what the color of the lights mean. My mom told me she walked out of Safeway into winter and wasn't dressed properly, that it had been summer when she left the house in capris and a T-shirt. She left her purse in the cart with the groceries in the parking lot and sped home. If you and your dad don't feel comfortable taking the keys away, her doctor can get her license taken through DMV after he does an assessment on her (with you and your dad present) and hears what has been going on. In my mom's case, dad got a new car and it was to techy for her to figure out so she stopped. With my dad I had to take the car and sell it because after taking the keys and him hotwiring it anyway...... I couldn't sleep with it in his driveway. My dad also wandered and did get lost over night. We had a bracelet made for him (that he couldn't take off) that had his name and address/phone on it. You are going to need a financial and medical POA for both of them. Sounds like your brother has it made as long as somebody is taking care of him. Not certain how responsible he would be as a caregiver on site. Some hard family conversations need to be had ASAP. I'm thankful my folks got their Trust and other paperwork in place before they both got dementia because once they got it, logic and remembering conversations and agreements went right out the window.
My dad is with it mentally but conflict avoidant. My mother hit a car once and didn't even realize she did. This was a couple years ago and neither the police nor my dad did anything to get her to stop driving.
It is hard to talk to my dad because my mother eavesdrops and complains, "Are you talking about me?" I can't talk in a low voice because he is so hard of hearing. I wrote him once and she opened and read his mail.
My brother says he will not get a license because he wants to be green, as if letting other people drive for you is somehow better. He does help with house repairs and yardwork.
ETA My parents looked into a trust once but did not have enough in assets to justify setting one up.
I spoke to my dad this morning. He is not concerned. I offered to help again and he said they may take me up on the offer in the future but don't need assistance now. He is more concerned about my mother trying to lift heavy things than about her mental condition. He did say my brother who lives with them has considered getting a license. I guess I have done what I can do with them. Only other option would be to go to their doctor.
iris lilies
1-31-21, 10:11am
I think Teacher Terry’s words are important: Adults have the right to not be safe. They aren’t children.
Teacher Terry
1-31-21, 11:26am
It’s actually really different working in adult protective services versus children because of the rights adults have. It does sound like she shouldn’t be driving. My dad loved to drive but as his health declined in his early 50’s my mom learned to drive because she knew she would need to. At 59 he came home from the hospital after having a big stroke. He took his driver’s license and crumpled it and threw it across the room saying “I will never drive again.” That’s one reason I wanted to be downtown where I can walk everywhere. I will not be stubborn about driving. If I get unsafe I will quit. I am so glad that we now have Uber.
SteveinMN
1-31-21, 11:57am
Tales of two mothers:
DW's mother lived by herself for decades. Never much into moving around, eventually her physical decline got to where she felt most comfortable sleeping and spending the day in her lift chair, getting up only for bathroom breaks and to get food, occasionally clean her place, etc. We knew she was frail, but DW also subscribes to they "adults have rights too" school, so things stayed the way they were. We noticed that she did so much better when she was around others -- she was more active, she ate better, her mood improved. So we started floating the idea of getting on a waiting list for a good assisted living facility but it was never time. She knew her place, she liked being able to putter without the limits of other people being around, and it was working okay for her.
Some years after that, MiL finally tired of falling and having to use her life-alert device to summon the fire department to pick her up and she agreed to move into assisted living. She was fine there but lockdown was hard on her -- the same social aspect that attracted her to assisted living was gone, with no access to the hallway or to visitors and meals brought to her. Then MiL started falling again and eventually damaged enough to warrant hospital visits. After shuttling around through hospitals and TCU, she's now in a long-term care facility and seems happy and settled. This place has been pretty flexible about assigning essential caregiver status, so she has a few people who can visit in person and she's on the first floor so it's easy for the grandkids and great grandkids to come by and chat out the window until inside visits can be arranged. A success story, in part, we think, because MiL had the money to get to a good place first.
My mom has been caring for my brother for 20+ years now. I'm convinced taking care of him (with many hours of PCA help and occasional hours from us kids) and her dog is what gets her up and moving every morning. She's in much better physical shape than MiL despite being in her late 80s in a family not known for longevity. We can see signs of mental decline -- she'll often ask me or my sister to look at something in the mail because it looks "official" only to find it's a sales pitch. Like many people her age, things like ATMs and self-checkouts befuddle her; she's fine with them until something goes wrong and then she has no idea how to fix it.
Yesterday I had to visit the house to clear a drain clog and the place smelled enough like gas that at first I would not have switched on anything electrical. Mom's nose isn't what it used to be so she apparently (I hope?) didn't realize how strong the gas was. I asked about it and she said that one of the stove burners wouldn't light. I opened a few windows to air the place out. The others had pots cooking on them, so after a while I tried the one and the igniter was slow, but it didn't take forever to light. So I don't know. I suppose as we see events like this happen more often, we need to suggest a change in the living arrangements. She has been resolute about not accepting any kind of help from outside the family; we had to talk her out of using her "lil pup" snowblower and we have been trying for years to have her let a cleaning service into the house to clean the cobwebs from the ceiling and the dust from the ceiling fans that she admittedly can no longer reach, but she won't go for it. She's insistent that she can do things independently -- and sometimes she can -- but her batting percentage has been going down steadily iykwim.
Long story short is that we're all pretty adaptable, including the adoption of habits that we didn't think we'd ever adopt, if it lets us continue down a path that is comfortable for us. MiL didn't need the life-alert device -- until she did. My mom refused a walker for years, choosing to suffer in pain while she went shopping, and finally capitulated when she realized life was better with it than it was without it, even if it didn't fit into her mind's eye picture of herself. I think all we can do is watch and maybe be more cognizant of our behavior when we get to those crossroads.
catherine
1-31-21, 12:22pm
I feel like that we as a society have done a pretty good job reducing incidences of fatal MI and stroke, but then we're left with the slow fade to death. I don't wish for any kind of death at this point, but at the right time I would love to make it quick--for myself and my family.
I want to be killed instantly at age 90 in a head on crash with the other driver at fault and a big insurance payout to my family.
These sad situations highlight the importance of getting things in writing through POAs or other documents before decline sets in. It at least provides a degree of confidence in what the parent wanted while they were still thinking clearly. At very least, it can reduce the level of disagreement among siblings, etc. about how to proceed.
I want to be killed instantly at age 90 in a head on crash with the other driver at fault and a big insurance payout to my family.
So you want to seriously injure or kill another person? Nice.
MIL had to be dragged kicking and screaming from her house to assisted living. She was falling down weekly and totally dependent on her daughter who lived an hour away to get her groceries and take her to doctor appts. Daughter finally had enough. She would not agree to in-home health care, ie strangers in her house. I guess stubbornness sets in at some point in addition to physical and/or mental decline.
ApatheticNoMore
1-31-21, 2:45pm
From what I've seen I suspect a lot of these homes just pretty much kill people anyway. Of course maybe at a certain point that's for the best, shrug.
Anyway they cost money that most people may not have anyway. I don't think it's that easy to get Medicaid to pay.
Anyway they cost money that most people may not have anyway. I don't think it's that easy to get Medicaid to pay.
The final month or so of my step-father's life in the care facility nearly bankrupted my father. Combined with the loss of income from step-dad's death, he basically has become homeless - he sold his home just today.
My Dad did "everything right" - he had savings, some home equity, didn't live a luxurious lifestyle.
If he had no family, he'd be doomed.
iris lilies
1-31-21, 3:09pm
The final month or so of my step-father's life in the care facility nearly bankrupted my father. Combined with the loss of income from step-dad's death, he basically has become homeless - he sold his home just today.
My Dad did "everything right" - he had savings, some home equity, didn't live a luxurious lifestyle.
If he had no family, he'd be doomed.
I wont Debate the specifics of your father’s situation since I don’t know them, but if he has some home equity, a car that’s paid for, and some income, he’s not doomed with destitution. Apparently his partner had much bigger income that afforded your dad a nicer lifestyle than he can afford on his own income.
We have that scenario in my household. DH has SS income of around $25,000. I have income of $56,000. When I die, my income stream disappears. When I go to the nursing home, my income will cover about half-the cost and I will pull half from first, my assets, then from our joint assets.
Fortunately, DH has healthy assets in his name only, and then our joint assets are healthy. And then, he has his family farm that he can sell! Only by then there will be so many owners tangled up in it, it will be impossible to sell. But that is completely his problem.
dado potato
1-31-21, 3:21pm
When I get old...
I know of an old timer who is fond of saying, "Don't complain; it only gets worse".
I understand that Yppej has a brother living in with their declining mother. I would suggest it is important for the mother to be informed about her condition... with the evaluation to come from objective health professionals. With information about her condition, I assume she would be able to make decisions about her life purpose, and what would be best for her. Her sons (and other family) may have needs and wants, but I do not see their needs and wants taking priority over her own sense of what would be best for herself. Within the family it is an occasion for (non-violent) communication.
I wont Debate the specifics of your father’s situation since I don’t know them, but if he has some home equity, a car that’s paid for, and some income, he’s not doomed with destitution. Apparently his partner had much bigger income that afforded your dad a nicer lifestyle than he can afford on his own income.
Dad's household went from two Social Security incomes, and a moderate pension, to a single Social Security income and a lot of medical and care bills.
He's left with about $20k/year in Social Security, and will leave his home with about $100k in equity after transaction fees. He cannot afford his current mortgage on his modest condo where he currently lives in California, along with food and healthcare and health insurance, without spending down that $100k in capital.
He's 79. Men in his family line live to their mid-to-late 90s. So he has to make that last say 16 years. I don't think that's quite possible, unless he moves to someplace super cheap and reduces his medical coverage.
The medical costs and care facility fees of the past months wiped out their extra capital, putting him considerably below the median net worth for his age range ($265k).
MIL's assisted living place is low to moderately priced at around $7000 a month for that type of facility. The food which is usually her primary joy is horrible - like school cafeteria food. She and FIL, now deceased, placed great importance on leaving something "for the kids" but it looks like she will easily spend it down in a few more years. She lays in bed and watches TV all day. The upside I guess is that she is relatively safe there and not quite the handful as before.
I think there is also the possibility of destitution outside a care facility. For instance, if you are unsafe driving and hit and kill someone that's a huge liability.
The cost of assisted living places is obscene, IMO.
One spouse in a nursing home is very costly even with Canadian health coverage. The basic 'extras' eat up a lot of currency each month. Unless the couple has substantial assets to cover these extras, the other spouse is living on less than a single pension trying to cover the nursing home extras and regular living expenses for one outside the nursing home.
One woman when offered condolences on the passing of her DH quietly told me that his death was actually such a relief as she was being drained financially. It is tough.
iris lilies
1-31-21, 4:29pm
Dad's household went from two Social Security incomes, and a moderate pension, to a single Social Security income and a lot of medical and care bills.
He's left with about $20k/year in Social Security, and will leave his home with about $100k in equity after transaction fees. He cannot afford his current mortgage on his modest condo where he currently lives in California, along with food and healthcare and health insurance, without spending down that $100k in capital.
He's 79. Men in his family line live to their mid-to-late 90s. So he has to make that last say 16 years. I don't think that's quite possible, unless he moves to someplace super cheap and reduces his medical coverage.
The medical costs and care facility fees of the past months wiped out their extra capital, putting him considerably below the median net worth for his age range ($265k).
Your father is moving from one HCOL to another HCOL. I guess he has planned for that.
Simplemind
1-31-21, 5:51pm
Both my dad and my MIL lived in independent living communities for a time. Spendy, but affordable to both. I loved both places and wouldn't ever mind living in either one of them. It was a time that we always look back on fondly because they were in community both perked up after having been isolated in their homes. The newer places were smaller and easier to keep clean and safer in so many ways. Then both needed more care. My dad needed dementia care and I didn't like what they provided where he was. Too spare and clinical, not what I felt good about for my dad. MIL has always been sharp as a tack but needed physical assistance and has now pretty much lost all her eyesight. We tried assisted living at her place but didn't like it for a multitude of reasons mostly medication mismanagement. We moved both to adult foster care homes. Again, should I ever need it I would pick either of them. My dad was right down the street from me. He had a large room with a sitting area and private bathroom. They allowed him to have his beloved cat. Big home with a large garden, food was great. They became like family to us and my dad has been gone two years now and I still miss that family. MIL lives in a beautiful huge Tudor home in the country with the most beautiful gardens surrounding it. Food is mostly home grown and great there as well. My dad was beginning to need more help but his care was at $3500. MIL needs a lot of assistance and she is at $6000. We only have a couple of months left at $6000 before Medicare takes over. She is 96 and this last year has been so hard on her and we have really been able to pick up on the mental decline when on the phone with her. We have had a few visits through the window.
Neither of them would have ever been able to figure out this housing on their own. MIL was a peach and downsized herself without us ever having to lend a hand. My dad was way over his head 30 years before we were at DEFCON levels.
To speak to what IL said, yes and adult can live dangerously if they want. However when dementia has taken over they have no awareness of danger and criminals were encroaching so I had to step in because like I said.... they don't know what they don't know. When you have to call the PD out more than a couple of times it is time to bust a move.
Back to the driving, police don't take licenses away but use the same format that physicians do. In my neck of the woods the PD doesn't bother buy dad's doctor got on it right away. They have to go in and pass a driving test. My dad was pissed as all get out and wanted to get an attorney. I told him that was fine but he was still going to have to take a safety course and pass the test. He didn't want to do it so that was that. He then became the worst backseat driver to me letting me know of every mistake I made just to show he really did know what he was doing. He would tell me I was speeding and I would point out the speed sign and the speedometer. I wasn't speeding but he was always bracing himself swearing I was doing 100 in a 35. He had no concept of speed anymore.
I think there's something wrong when it costs so much to die. You have work hard your entire life and scrimp and save, just so that the last few years of your life render you destitute? It seems ridiculous. I don't have a solution, but it doesn't seem to fit with the natural order of things. In my family, my mother and grandmother spent a few years in long-term care but they didn't have the money to pay for it, so the State did. Their LTC facilities were actually not bad. Not wonderful, but not bad. My father died homeless, and I had two grandparents that died of heart attack/stroke. One grandfather had the means to hire a full-time home health aid, who was wonderful, and he died living in the home in which he raised his family.
AARP has made the case that if Medicare/Medicaid paid for home health care instead of LTC, it would actually save them money and provide a much higher quality of life to the elder. I'm not sure if that's true, but I think it would be great.
ETA: This interesting article (https://www.morningstar.com/articles/957487/must-know-statistics-about-long-term-care-2019-edition)with a whole bunch of stats about long term care.
The problem with home care on a for-profit basis in our area was that there was no consistency when the PSW (personal support worker) would arrive based on my close observation of two friends. It was a different person each day and they had a schedule that was crazy trying to fill in too many clients in a day. The non-profit was much better but the county was told that they could save $$$$ by tendering services. The result was so traumatic for everyone. Burnout for the PSW's who rotated in and out fairly frequently and clients and families scared of when, who, was coming each day. The private for-profits made their money as every client visited in a day generated income from the public health system.
Your father is moving from one HCOL to another HCOL. I guess he has planned for that.
Yes, he cleverly raised children that would care for their parents in old age :-)
And demonstrated the idea by having his own elderly mother live with him for nearly 15 years after grandpa died. It's why I've been providing housing to my own Mom for 20 years now, though I was prudent enough to house her 6 miles away from this house - close, but not in my hair :-)
The cost of living here isn't terrible, if you don't include the housing costs. My Mom manages to survive in reasonable style on her social security alone. Her house however would rent for $4-5k/month if it were rented year round, but it probably would only be available by the week during the summer season for a lot more, annualized.
Now to scam Dad a place to stay here long-term. My house is big enough that we'll manage for quite some time if need be, which will allow him to save up some $$$ I hope.
Teacher Terry
1-31-21, 10:40pm
Bae, it’s great that you can afford to help your parents. I am sure that they appreciate it.
BikingLady
2-10-21, 6:27pm
IDK, Mom always said never wanted kids to take care of her. Went to every single free lunch at new retirement home, assisted living homes, every old age lecture at every luncheon there was. See a pattern free lunch. In the end both parents stayed in the house till the terrible ending 7 years apart. I ended up being the ONLY one to do anything, sibling no where to be found. It was pure h*ll for me and me having obligation issues made it worse.
I am just healing and the feeling of resentfulness is fading. I know mom never planned it this way. But I hope I can learn and remember these events and save my sons from the pain......IDK can we?
rosarugosa
2-10-21, 9:22pm
IDK, Mom always said never wanted kids to take care of her. Went to every single free lunch at new retirement home, assisted living homes, every old age lecture at every luncheon there was. See a pattern free lunch. In the end both parents stayed in the house till the terrible ending 7 years apart. I ended up being the ONLY one to do anything, sibling no where to be found. It was pure h*ll for me and me having obligation issues made it worse.
I am just healing and the feeling of resentfulness is fading. I know mom never planned it this way. But I hope I can learn and remember these events and save my sons from the pain......IDK can we?
Didn't you have to travel crazy distances to take care of your folks, or do I have that wrong?
Scott Nearing chose his end of life. He stopped eating and drinking and 3 weeks later died at home with Helen at his side.
Yes, this is an option for all of us at any time.
iris lilies
2-10-21, 10:38pm
Scott Nearing chose his end of life. He stopped eating and drinking and 3 weeks later died at home with Helen at his side.
Yes, this is an option for all of us at any time.
I don’t have the strength of mind to do this.
Teacher Terry
2-10-21, 11:12pm
That’s a slow, awful way to die. I would choose something quicker if physically able.
The official Nearing version of how Scott died differs somewhat from an account by their neighbor, who said that at some point, Helen put him in a nursing home, but he was able to leave. But I don't think it was a clearcut and heroic as the official version makes it sound.
Poor guy, most people stop eating near death, so it's a pretty natural process. I would never give a loved on a feeding tube and feel people should be allowed to die a natural death.
BikingLady
2-12-21, 5:52am
Didn't you have to travel crazy distances to take care of your folks, or do I have that wrong?
Yes that was Mom, I was in TN and parents in MI. I refer to those times as the Crazy Train! 71,000 miles me and my dogs in just over a year. Dad then lived alone and I commuted from one side of MI to the other so many times each week trying to do it all. So when the nursing home was needed I found one acceptable 45 minutes away....the second Crazy Train. No lie I had to be there for PT 5 days 6 weeks straight, I had the 6 week old granddaughter to care for and packed her up with me. And all the Lawyer stuff that almost killed me.Then Covid lockdown after all that, I was outside the window in the blazing sun all summer. Can you tell I am the ultimate "I can take care of it all fool"!
All that aside I am thankful my dad got to see his only great grand baby! It was almost comical me lugging all the baby stuff in and changing her on his bed, priceless.
So those are the times that a bike did not work;)
rosarugosa
2-12-21, 6:29am
Yes that was Mom, I was in TN and parents in MI. I refer to those times as the Crazy Train! 71,000 miles me and my dogs in just over a year. Dad then lived alone and I commuted from one side of MI to the other so many times each week trying to do it all. So when the nursing home was needed I found one acceptable 45 minutes away....the second Crazy Train. No lie I had to be there for PT 5 days 6 weeks straight, I had the 6 week old granddaughter to care for and packed her up with me. And all the Lawyer stuff that almost killed me.Then Covid lockdown after all that, I was outside the window in the blazing sun all summer. Can you tell I am the ultimate "I can take care of it all fool"!
All that aside I am thankful my dad got to see his only great grand baby! It was almost comical me lugging all the baby stuff in and changing her on his bed, priceless.
So those are the times that a bike did not work;)
Wow, Crazy Train is right (also a really good song). A bike definitely would not have been up to the job for those scenarios!
Teacher Terry
2-12-21, 10:03am
Biking lady, I could have done the driving for parents but no way with a baby. I can’t even imagine. You are awesome!
That’s a slow, awful way to die. I would choose something quicker if physically able.
Medical research is 3 weeks.
I watched Mom do it frankly over 7 weeks dying of her bladder cancer. (I won't talk about the malpractice that led to this rapid diagnosis to death). 3w before death she was perhaps eating 300cal/day? She lost her appetite quickly. A medium egg and half slice of toast would not result in a clean plate (that is what she asked for each morning).
She was not in pain. I think when there is no desire to eat or drink, the mental piece doesn't kick in like it does for those of us not going through it and how we perceive it. She asked for an Ambien each night so she could sleep a full night.
It was the same with Dad 13y before Mom.
BikingLady
2-13-21, 11:25am
Biking lady, I could have done the driving for parents but no way with a baby. I can’t even imagine. You are awesome!
Crazy is better description!
I read Leaving and Loving the Good Life by Helen Nearing about Scott Nearing's death, and it was an interesting story--a point-by-point account of his death from her POV as his wife. The reasoning for them was, as I remember, Scott saying he was ready to die, and Helen suggested he stop eating, because that's what animals do--just crawl off in the woods and stop eating. So it seemed like, as Tybee says, Nature's Way to them, and that's what he did when he turned 100. Tybee, I think I vaguely remember him going to a nursing home.
I think protracted, expensive deaths are painful to all on many counts.
frugal-one
2-14-21, 11:54am
Saw in today's paper .. one of Bette Midler's favorite songs by John Prine... Hello in There .... brought tears to my eyes
HELLO IN THERE
We had an apartment in the city
Me and Loretta liked living there
Well, it'd been years since the kids had grown
A life of their own, left us alone
John and Linda live in Omaha
And Joe is somewhere on the road
We lost Davy in the Korean war
And I still don't know what for, don't matter anymore
You know that old trees just grow stronger
And old rivers grow wilder every day
Old people just grow lonesome
Waiting for someone to say, "Hello in there, hello"
Me and Loretta, we don't talk much more
She sits and stares through the back door screen
And all the news just repeats itself
Like some forgotten dream that we've both seen
Someday I'll go and call up Rudy
We worked together at the factory
But what could I say if he asks "What's new?"
"Nothing, what's with you? Nothing much to do"
You know that old trees just grow stronger
And old rivers grow wilder every day
Old people just grow lonesome
Waiting for someone to say, "Hello in there, hello"
So if you're walking down the street sometime
And spot some hollow ancient eyes
Please don't just pass 'em by and stare
As if you didn't care, say, "Hello in there, hello"
Saw in today's paper .. one of Bette Midler's favorite songs by John Prine... Hello in There .... brought tears to my eyes
He was 24 years old when he wrote that, one of his finest works. The verses tell the story and the chorus reveals the moral, I think it's an example of a perfect song.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OVhA01J0Zsg&feature=emb_logo
It's certainly beautifully written, even if I doubt the sentiment is universal.
Certainly a sad song to listen to. The immediate first response I felt in listening now to it for the first time is:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5Chxe89O6c&ab_channel=DionneWarwickVEVO
We can all do that.
Beautiful song. Truly. The lyrics are amazing.
Reminds me of Eleanor Rigby
Eleanor Rigby
Picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been
Lives in a dream
Waits at the window
Wearing a face that she keeps in a jar by the door
Who is it for?
All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?
Father McKenzie
Writing the words of a sermon that no-one will hear
No-one comes near
Look at him working
Darning his socks in the night when there's nobody there
What does he care?
All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?
Ah, look at all the lonely people
Ah, look at all the lonely people
Eleanor Rigby
Died in the church and was buried along with her name
Nobody came
Father McKenzie
Wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave
No-one was saved
All the lonely people (Ah, look at all the lonely people)
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people (Ah, look at all the lonely people)
Where do they all belong?
OK!!!! I protest this gloom and doom. We can do something about it, each and everyone of us instead of crying; go for a walk greeting your neighbours or find someone to greet. My dog and I do this twice a day and have friends along the different routes we take. People going by in their different vehicles usually take care to give me and my dog clearance and I nod my thanks. Now I get a wave from many of them. The sense of community begins with me wanting one and willing to invest the effort in creating one. End of protest.
Hello in there Razz, Hello!
Yeah, the pathos here is lost on me, but I recognize it's a problem for many.
ApatheticNoMore
2-14-21, 4:56pm
Or become a hermit :laff:
oddly maybe I think I was always ever meant to be rather hermit-y, so if I become a hermit in my old age .....
OK!!!! I protest this gloom and doom. We can do something about it, each and everyone of us instead of crying; go for a walk greeting your neighbours or find someone to greet. My dog and I do this twice a day and have friends along the different routes we take. People going by in their different vehicles usually take care to give me and my dog clearance and I nod my thanks. Now I get a wave from many of them. The sense of community begins with me wanting one and willing to invest the effort in creating one. End of protest.
When you get old sometimes you cannot walk.
When you get old you can lose your mind. While my mother was driving home from visiting her mother in the nursing home my grandmother would call her saying, "Why don't you ever visit me?" She could not remember the visit she just had.
So yes it can be lonely.
I am not denying that losses and tragedies happen, not for a minute. I don't live on another planet or in a bubble. I also know that each one of us can make a difference. Back to the starfish story.
If everyone turned off their TV for 3 hours a day and made a point of reaching out to another human being by phone or writing or waving to others, what changes might happen? It is easier to say the job is too big for me or it is too much effort or no one wants to hear/see/talk to me to excuse reaching out to others while respecting appropriate boundaries. I have vented enough on this, I think.
frugal-one
2-14-21, 7:27pm
OK!!!! I protest this gloom and doom. We can do something about it, each and everyone of us instead of crying; go for a walk greeting your neighbours or find someone to greet. My dog and I do this twice a day and have friends along the different routes we take. People going by in their different vehicles usually take care to give me and my dog clearance and I nod my thanks. Now I get a wave from many of them. The sense of community begins with me wanting one and willing to invest the effort in creating one. End of protest.
Today would be good day to go for a walk... wind chills -29F. That surely would take care of the doom and gloom hehe.
I've had conversations on line with several people today--I surely don't want strangers pounding on my door. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels that way, so "reachers" be forewarned. :D
Chicken lady
2-14-21, 8:57pm
My great grandmother spent the end of her life in a nursing home. Local youth groups would visit, bringing presents or crafts, doing performances and visiting with residents. And my great grandmother would say “I don’t know why we have to put up with these kids. Can’t they find anything else for them to do?”
Teacher Terry
2-14-21, 10:17pm
Like Razz I meet people walking my dogs. I also talked to my friends and visited my kids. We are making plans to eat in a restaurant when we all are vaccinated. Also discussing what vacations we might take in the fall.
GeorgeParker
2-15-21, 12:52am
I've had conversations on line with several people today--I surely don't want strangers pounding on my door. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels that way, so "reachers" be forewarned. :DI agree. I'm friendly, but when I'm at home I want to be left alone unless you call or text me in advance to see if I'm available. And I hate both small talk and people who have been taught that they should make friends by asking a lot of questions because "everybody" likes to talk about themself. >:( Look people, it's a casual conversation between two people who just met, not a KGB interrogation! So talk about something we might have in common instead of trying to dig out all the most intimate personal facts about my life, because as soon as you start asking personal questions like how many children I have or what my address is, I'll politely tell you to go to hell in a heartbeat.
True story: At work some guy I didn't know came over to where I was and said "You ride a motorcycle, don't you." I said "yes." And he says "Where do you live?" and I said "Why would that be any of your business?" So he says "I'm thinking about getting a motorcycle and if you don't live too far from here I was going to come over so you can give me some lessons." He actually thought I would waste my precious non-work time giving a total stranger riding lessons on MY motorcycle, and no doubt for free at that!
Forget about relying on the kindness of strangers, it's a lot safer to rely on the strangeness of strangers and keep your guard up until you really know them well enough to trust them.
And here I was thinking we were talking about the lonely people as were described in the two songs from Alan and Catherine. Silly me.
And here I was thinking we were talking about the lonely people as were described in the two songs from Alan and Catherine. Silly me.
Not silly at all. I like your positive approach to building community, and wish you were my neighbor. We could walk our dogs together!
I spend a lot of time lately at the nursing home. The problems of dementia are way beyond what is suggested in the Prine song. It's a good song, but with real life dementia, real life nursing homes, real life people at the end stage of life, I wish the answers were as simple as Prine implies.
But that's not what you were talking about, and I think you are right, that we are all way to plugged in for our own goods. I was just at my son and dil's for example,a nd they do the thing where they are looking at their phone while having a conversation. He always said he would not get a cell phone for that reason, and now he does it, too.
happystuff
2-15-21, 10:49am
Not silly at all. I like your positive approach to building community, and wish you were my neighbor. We could walk our dogs together!
Count me in as well, razz. Just getting outside - even in freezing weather for a few minutes! - raises my mood, even if just slightly. I would socially distance walk with you and Tybee (no dog right now :( )! I'm a "waver" as well. When I walk, I always wave to passing cars. Most people wave back and I've even caught a few smiles as they go by.
And here I was thinking we were talking about the lonely people as were described in the two songs from Alan and Catherine. Silly me.
What's wrong with that kind of song, in my opinion, is that people generalize that all old and/or single people are pining away dying of loneliness, and then they extrapolate that all they need is random people stopping by, which is often far from the case. Those songs, while beautifully written (with a very broad brush) are insulting, also in my opinion, to those of us who are not depressed sad sacks.
Teacher Terry
2-15-21, 11:03am
There’s a difference between being alone and being lonely. I have been very lonely when I was in my second marriage. That was much worse.
happystuff
2-15-21, 11:13am
There’s a difference between being alone and being lonely.
I definitely agree with this.
SteveinMN
2-15-21, 11:21am
There’s a difference between being alone and being lonely.
One of the great lessons I learned in life is that it's better to be alone than wish you were.
One of the great lessons I learned in life is that it's better to be alone than wish you were.
My beloved took a picture of me at a party, looking wistfully out a window, probably wishing I had a book. >8)
catherine
2-15-21, 12:26pm
My beloved took a picture of me at a party, looking wistfully out a window, probably wishing I had a book. >8)
My son is like DH, very gregarious. In fact just yesterday, DH and I were laughing because I was talking about how I hate it when people who sit next to you on a plane want to be chatty, and we were saying, "Can you imagine getting a seat next to [DS]?"
I was reading an article in Taproot Magazine yesterday (great mag, btw). And I found the PERFECT name for my little spot here, but DH/DS don't get it. The author was talking about a town in Japan that she grew up in. Its name was Rakusen, which translates to "A place of ease for mountain hermits". Wow. That's the place for me!
ApatheticNoMore
2-15-21, 12:34pm
I'm not really as much of a hermit as all that, I'm in a relationship afterall. I guess I just feel sometimes that trying to be part of anything much larger than that (than a few close relationships), can feel as averse as it does anything else. That there is something deeply calming, even when melancholy, in just being
in one's own presence. I want to be alone. But I'm weird and have always been so and much in my own company as well, so if anything it's just being ok in owning that, no matter how social I thought I had to try to be in my youth.
Alzheimer's patients and stuff, sheesh I don't think they are necessarily that lonely as they can hardly remember one minute to the next. I mean they may actually enjoy it if people visit, and they'll forget 5 minutes after they leave as well. People who can't walk in some cases it is to a degree a choice, IF it's the kind of thing that could be fixed with knee or hip surgery or whatever, but like any serious (general anesthesia) surgery it carries some low risk for most, but it might mean ability to walk.
"A place of ease for mountain hermits"
Describes my mountain brother to a tee. He loves his mountain home high above a small town he can venture down into if he gets an urge to be social which isn't very often.
forever
I was reading an article in Taproot Magazine yesterday (great mag, btw). And I found the PERFECT name for my little spot here, but DH/DS don't get it. The author was talking about a town in Japan that she grew up in. Its name was Rakusen, which translates to "A place of ease for mountain hermits". Wow. That's the place for me!
Having visited Japan and seen their high mountains, and very deep valleys with water between, one did not travel easily. They learned self-sufficiency and cooperation because if you got a problem, you needed your neighbours to survive and thrive. The first son would inherit the parents' house and marry; the other siblings were dependent on him, remained single or left.
I decided that while I am more introvert than extrovert, I didn't think that I would survive as a hermit or wish to live in those mountain settings. It is fascinating how much Japanese topography impacted its government, development and technological skills. Catherine, thanks for triggering memories. It is an amazing country.
iris lilies
2-15-21, 2:39pm
My great grandmother spent the end of her life in a nursing home. Local youth groups would visit, bringing presents or crafts, doing performances and visiting with residents. And my great grandmother would say “I don’t know why we have to put up with these kids. Can’t they find anything else for them to do?”
This is hilarious!
I would actually like to view as an old lady in the nursing home, youth groups doing dance performances. Because I like dance.
If I have to endure them singing songs from musicals, playing their guitars singing songs they’ve written, no please! I’m begging you don’t make me!!! LOL
One of my college classes used to "entertain" at various facilities where many of the residents were clearly not particularly interested. But I'm no singer, so maybe they were just appalled. :)
iris lilies
2-15-21, 4:26pm
One of my college classes used to "entertain" at various facilities where many of the residents were clearly not particularly interested. But I'm no singer, so maybe they were just appalled. :)
Something I have learned about in the last 10 years is “ dance ministry.” Churches here, the historically black churches anyway, have a dance troupe made up of church ladies. Some ministries are youthful dancers.
They have flow-y costumes and perform dances to church music.
Now that I like, and in another life that might have got me into a church.
Something I have learned about in the last 10 years is “ dance ministry.” Churches here, the historically black churches anyway, have a dance group made up of church ladies. They have flow-y costumes and perform dances to church music.
Now that I like, and in another life that might have got me into a church.
Funny you should say that. I really love gospel music--not so much for the piety aspect, but it is just so fun and rockin'. I used to sing in the choir at church and those were the types of songs I loved singing the most. So I was looking for a gospel choir around here that I could join, but of course, due to COVID I'd have to wait. Plus it looks like there's a great one in Montpelier, but that's an hour+ away. Maybe I just have to sing along with Alexa.
iris lilies
2-15-21, 4:40pm
Funny you should say that. I really love gospel music--not so much for the piety aspect, but it is just so fun and rockin'. I used to sing in the choir at church and those were the types of songs I loved singing the most. So I was looking for a gospel choir around here that I could join, but of course, due to COVID I'd have to wait. Plus it looks like there's a great one in Montpelier, but that's an hour+ away. Maybe I just have to sing along with Alexa.
I do not mean to be indelicate, but ya’ll up there in lily white Vermont will have gospel choirs that are, at best, weak imitations of the real thing. Sorry! Make do with what you have, but singing along with Alexa may be your best bet.
speaking of diversity, how far do you have to drive for
1. Indian food
2. Thai food
3. Vietnamese food
4. anything middle eastern in food
???
My friend who moved to rural NH doesn’t eat any of the above so she will not admit to being in a cultural food wasteland, but I won’t move too far from ethnic restaurants. Mexican and Chinese don’t count.
Hermann, sadly, lost another nice restaurant (not ethnic, but real cooking) and now is down to only two that interest me. Everything else is pizza and burgers, as is the next big town over.
I have purchased a condo in this city for a base for garden club activity but also to be able to eat out at a decent place.
I do not mean to be indelicate, but ya’ll up there in lily white Vermont will have gospel choirs that are, at best, weak imitations of the real thing. Sorry! Make do with what you have, but singing along with Alexa may be your best best.
speaking of diversity, how far do you have to drive for
1. Indian food
2. Thai food
3. Vietnamese food
4. anything middle eastern in food
???
My friend who moved to rural NH doesn’t eat any of the above so she will not admit to being in a cultural food wasteland, but I won’t move too far from ethnic restaurants. Mexican and Chinese don’t count.
Hermann, sadly, lost another nice restaurant (not ethnic, but real cooking) and now is down to only two that interest me. Everything else is pizza and burgers, as is the next big town over.
Well, the Montpelier gospel choir online pictures looked appealing, although pretty lily-white. You have a point.
As far as diversity:
1. Indian food: 35 minutes to Burlington :(
2. Thai food: Amazingly, only 10 miles to South Hero. A native Thai woman started a restaurant a couple of years ago, although she had to add American stuff to the menu to draw customers.
3. Vietnamese food: I could probably get it in Burlington--there is a large refugee population there, so the ethnic food possibilities are not bad.
4. Middle eastern: Again, Burlington, 35 minutes away.
But I admit, I do miss the diversity of New Jersey for sure. We had an ethnic restaurant on every corner. I could walk to Indian food, Asian fusion food, Vietnamese food, Japanese food, Chinese food, Italian food.
I do not mean to be indelicate, but ya’ll up there in lily white Vermont will have gospel choirs that are, at best, weak imitations of the real thing. Sorry! Make do with what you have, but singing along with Alexa may be your best best.
speaking of diversity, how far do you have to drive for
1. Indian food
2. Thai food
3. Vietnamese food
4. anything middle eastern in food
???
My friend who moved to rural NH doesn’t eat any of the above so she will not admit to being in a cultural food wasteland, but I won’t move too far from ethnic restaurants. Mexican and Chinese don’t count.
Hermann, sadly, lost another nice restaurant (not ethnic, but real cooking) and now is down to only two that interest me. Everything else is pizza and burgers, as is the next big town over.
I have two Indian restaurants close--one 3 miles west, one 3 miles south, roughly. There are many more in Kirkland and Bellevue, at least one in Woodinville. For starters. There are two Thai restaurants in town--one a couple of miles, and one withing potential walking distance. Lots of Vietnamese restaurants in Lake City and Kirkland, more in Bellevue. Middle Eastern is more problematic. There was one close in in Kirkland, but it is no longer. There were also two in Bellevue that I know of. There are two Ethiopian restaurants within a reasonable driving distance--7 or 8 miles, I guess. I'm with you--I wouldn't live without ethnic restaurants if I could help it. Ethnic restaurants, thrift stores, and a good library system are non-negotiable.
iris lilies
2-15-21, 4:59pm
Well, the Montpelier gospel choir online pictures looked appealing, although pretty lily-white. You have a point.
As far as diversity:
1. Indian food: 35 minutes to Burlington :(
2. Thai food: Amazingly, only 10 miles to South Hero. A native Thai woman started a restaurant a couple of years ago, although she had to add American stuff to the menu to draw customers.
3. Vietnamese food: I could probably get it in Burlington--there is a large refugee population there, so the ethnic food possibilities are not bad.
4. Middle eastern: Again, Burlington, 35 minutes away.
But I admit, I do miss the diversity of New Jersey for sure. We had an ethnic restaurant on every corner. I could walk to Indian food, Asian fusion food, Vietnamese food, Japanese food, Chinese food, Italian food.
That isn’t bad, a 35 minute drive.
Here, Hermann is 85 miles from St Louis so not doable for one meal.
And is is very discouraging for me that the “big” town near Hermann which is 30 miles away seems to be all pizza and burger and bar food. Not even a white tablecloth Italian or American place. But I could be wrong about that, further exploration necessary.
That isn’t bad, a 35 minute drive.
Here, Hermann is 85 miles from St Louis so not doable for one meal.
And is is very discouraging for me that the “big” town near Hermann which is 30 miles away seems to be all pizza and burger and bar food. Not even a white tablecloth Italian or American place. But I could be wrong about that, further exploration necessary.
Yeah, we have one "white tablecloth" restaurant here, but DH HATES it. We took a couple of friends there once and the service was bad, and the food was mediocre for the price. So, we virtually have no nice places to go to on the island. It's the sports bar, or the casual Thai/American place. Although they just opened a brew pub where you can get craft beers made right here on the islands and a pretzel.
As for Burlington, I may have overstated the ethnic food market .. there is actually ONE Indian restaurant in a fairly large city, and I looked up the demographics and in spite of the "large refugee population" it's still 85% white. That SNL skit was definitely not far off the mark (I know I've posted this before but I still think it's funny).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKcUOUYzDXA
iris lilies
2-15-21, 5:09pm
This thread reminded me of something I was thinking about this week.
our interests and tastes don’t really change as we get old.
I absolutely LOATHE all of the “nice” assisted living places I have seen. Why? Because they are all new builds, in varying degrees of expensive.
Hermann has a hideous Assist Living center that is all one floor and ugly. It is out on a highway, so no chance to view darling victorian architecture of Hermann. Just look at fields and cars driving by.
I would like to be in assisted living in one of the old church monasteries or whatever they are called around here. Great old buildings! But those are not in the city and are away from ethnic restaurants and some (not all) cultural places. They are all multi story which does not work for the old folks.
ApatheticNoMore
2-15-21, 5:10pm
What I missed traveling some places in the U.S. was a lack of any even moderately healthy cuisine. Gah I guess that's why they call it California cuisine!!! >8) Truthfully not just California, like noone has any doubt you can eat well in Seattle etc., but some places are truly a wasteland, and I kept eating at the most unhealthy restaurant ever when trying places and when I tried ethnic food it was the worst imitation of it ever. I was very tired of the food.
But I don't care about restaurants all that much when I live somewhere as I cook and cook well. But then I care about what groceries I can buy, better have a good selection there, I mean darn well better - but there is probably a lot of overlap between that and having a good restaurant selection. The one ethnic food I'd most want is a good Jewish deli. Well we have those. After that I like middle eastern. And yep I like California cuisine.
iris lilies
2-15-21, 5:21pm
Our easiest access white tablecloth Italian restaurant in Hermann re-tooled recently. Now it is a hideous concept restaurant: seafood and alcoholic slushees. They cater to the tourista crowd. These owners are professional chefs and I respect their food, but blechhhh to slushees. And sure their casual fish dishes are fine but I miss their perfectly lovely Italian/American menu.
Hermann also has a specialized European place, by reservation only, price fixe menu. It is too difficult to figure out how to reach them so we have not been, but they are high end foodies who cook.
Love that Vermont video!!!
Always surprised to see how a thread evolves and how interesting the posts are.
iris lilies
2-15-21, 5:22pm
What I missed traveling some places in the U.S. was a lack of any even moderately healthy cuisine. Gah I guess that's why they call it California cuisine!!! >8) Truthfully not just California, like noone has any doubt you can eat well in Seattle etc., but some places are truly a wasteland, and I kept eating at the most unhealthy restaurant ever when trying places and when I tried ethnic food it was the worst imitation of it ever. I was very tired of the food.
But I don't care about restaurants all that much when I live somewhere as I cook and cook well. But then I care about what groceries I can buy, better have a good selection there, I mean darn well better. The one ethnic food I'd most want is a good Jewish deli. Well we have those. After that I like middle eastern. And yep I like California cuisine.
on the road in the Midwest, you will suffer mightily from the fare.
iris lilies
2-15-21, 5:34pm
Love that Vermont video!!!
Always surprised to see how a thread evolves and how interesting the posts are.
I like that video too, watched it again all the way through!
rosarugosa
2-15-21, 6:42pm
Awesome video Catherine! If you shared it before, I missed it.
I am surprised at the enthusiasm for eating out. When did that become so important? DH and I tried dining out and were so constantly disappointed that we gave up. People would rave about a restaurant and we would try it and swear never again. There were some really good meals but no consistency in subsequent visits. Price had little to do with the quality of the food. We ended 'dining out' on Lake Erie perch, fries, coleslaw, and salad bar for $1/4 of a restaurant meal and it was consistently good.
I feel that if I dine out for $$$$ it has to be something that I would not make myself with my usual fresh ingredients. Yes, I do get tired of cooking bytimes but then a takeout pizza will do quite well.
A friend took me out for lunch at this really fancy location and the portion that was brought to the table was a very small child portion with some sauce drizzled over the large white areas of the plate with a herb sprig for contrast. She was shocked but glad that she had used a retirement gift certificate. Apparently that practice of restaurant portion control is not unusual. On my tour of Newfoundland, the local guide mentioned some of the fancy dining spots in St John's but cautioned that one needs to eat first and then go out to dine for the taste. We laughed but decided we needed more food than taste.
Do others find this as well?
iris lilies
2-15-21, 7:16pm
Razz, I am not a very good cook and do not take the time to do it, but I love to eat! I dont like bland food much, so I love ethnic menus and foods. They use veggies in imaginative ways.
After I retired I set out to learn to make biryani, a northern Indian dish. It is quite involved. I made it twice and gave up because it never tasted much like the dish I got in restaurants.
I have taken several Indian cooking classes but did not keep up that dkill.
I am surprised at the enthusiasm for eating out. When did that become so important? DH and I tried dining out and were so constantly disappointed that we gave up. People would rave about a restaurant and we would try it and swear never again. There were some really good meals but no consistency in subsequent visits. Price had little to do with the quality of the food. We ended 'dining out' on Lake Erie perch, fries, coleslaw, and salad bar for $1/4 of a restaurant meal and it was consistently good.
I feel that if I dine out for $$$$ it has to be something that I would not make myself with my usual fresh ingredients. Yes, I do get tired of cooking bytimes but then a takeout pizza will do quite well.
A friend took me out for lunch at this really fancy location and the portion that was brought to the table was a very small child portion with some sauce drizzled over the large white areas of the plate with a herb sprig for contrast. She was shocked but glad that she had used a retirement gift certificate. Apparently that practice of restaurant portion control is not unusual. On my tour of Newfoundland, the local guide mentioned some of the fancy dining spots in St John's but cautioned that one needs to eat first and then go out to dine for the taste. We laughed but decided we needed more food than taste.
Do others find this as well?
Your story reminds me of that restaurant scene in L.A. Story when Steve Martin is presented with a smidgen of food with a few garnishes and and smears of aoli and he says "I'm finished and I don't remember eating."
I do enjoy eating out, and I don't like large portions. I really enjoy tapas/small plates. But I don't have a need to eat out constantly. I have family members that post every week from a restaurant, and that's even during COVID! I haven't been to a real restaurant... hmmm, can't remember. Probably a restaurant in Asbury Park in early March 2020 was the last time I went out to a decent restaurant.
I look forward to going out to eat eventually. I do love Indian restaurants and I LOVE Japanese restaurants (there's that Japanese thing again, razz!).
iris lilies
2-15-21, 7:43pm
Funny that I don’t like Japanese food much and will never go to a Japanese restaurant. Granted, I do buy sushi at a nearby grocery store, but that’s as far as I go. I buy the spicy kind. I think Japanese food is mostly bland.
And we don’t go out to eat all that often. In Covid times, until recently, I was trying to buy takeout once a week from the restaurant around the corner and spending a lot on that because I want to give her the business. But recently DH yelled at me about spending too much money so I’ve cut down.
In non-Covid times we might go out to eat on average once a week Which is often, I grant you, but low end cheap places because we’re driving out on errands.
Teacher Terry
2-15-21, 8:26pm
I love to eat out and normally do it once or twice a week. The only ethnic food I like is Italian and polish. I have one meal that I will eat at a Mexican or Chinese restaurant if I am forced to go to one:)).
frugal-one
2-15-21, 8:29pm
Today is the second time we got takeout since last March. It was jambalya that we have had previous years for Fat Tuesday. It was enough to feed us again tomorrow and wonderful! I am a very good cook (as I am told) and find most restaurant food lacking. We used to go out for breakfast/brunch or Friday fish fries. We seemed to have good luck with those types of restaurants. We occasionally went to ethnic places as well. I look forward to those times again.
iris lilies
2-15-21, 8:47pm
The Eastern Europeans know how to cook but I cant say I would love Polish food as a first choice. I would love it because they know how to cook.
ApatheticNoMore
2-15-21, 8:55pm
Oh polish food and Russian food can be quite good.
Teacher Terry
2-15-21, 9:29pm
My DIL and her mom are excellent cooks. I love their breaded pork cutlets, Little balls and the whole meal smothered in homemade gravy. The desserts are delicious also.
on the road in the Midwest, you will suffer mightily from the fare.
I've been to too many places outstate and in neighboring states where "fine dining" means they give you a cloth napkin instead of a paper one. :~)
Here in the big-gish bad city, I can easily walk to Thai, a ramen shop, two Mexican fusion places, barbecue, Jamaican (!), and Eye-talian. Oh, and McDonald's. Almost everything else, including Ethiopian, Vietnamese, Turkish, Indian, Russian, sushi, Cambodian, real Italian, and more, is within a 10-minute car ride. I'm happy about that.
catherine
2-15-21, 10:42pm
Funny that I don’t like Japanese food much and will never go to a Japanese restaurant. Granted, I do buy sushi at a nearby grocery store, but that’s as far as I go. I buy the spicy kind. I think Japanese food is mostly bland.
Really? Bland? I think it's so elegantly simple. When I was in Japan the breakfast buffet alone was just amazing!!
iris lilies
2-15-21, 11:38pm
Really? Bland? I think it's so elegantly simple. When I was in Japan the breakfast buffet alone was just amazing!!
The visuals of everything associated with food production and service are beautiful, I’ll give you that. Elegance in the visuals yes.
I probably don’t know all that much about Japanese food simply because I haven’t been to many sit down sushi restaurants other than a couple some years ago.
happystuff
2-16-21, 10:34am
When I was in Japan the breakfast buffet alone was just amazing!!
Had the same experience in South Korea. The breakfast buffet was amazing and could easily have sufficed for the one meal of the day - except that I was enjoying as much of the Korean food as possible. LOL!
Under different circumstances, I'd eat out at least every week or so--because despite my best attempts, I'm really not much of a cook Especially of the ethnic foods I love.
But I'm with you, Razz, re those precious white plates of miniature entrees featuring coulis dribble. I've been to high-end restaurants and their prices and pretension are a total turnoff. My favorite places are family-owned and cozy, with generous servings of food I couldn't produce in years of trying. A favorite Thai place we used to go to featured the owners' tiny children quietly sitting at a table doing homework.
I have enjoyed Japanese noodle dishes like yakisoba and ramen, and Japanese curried rice is one favorite I can make at home, as the main component comes in a box.
"The one ethnic food I'd most want is a good Jewish deli. Well we have those. After that I like middle eastern. And yep I like California cuisine."
Yeah--Jewish delis are at a premium, too, along with salumerias (not sure that's a word) that sell cured meats. I think there are a couple in downtown Seattle. I do love a good corned beef or pastrami. Garlic, yum.
SteveinMN
2-16-21, 12:31pm
The one ethnic food I'd most want is a good Jewish deli. Well we have those.
I wish we did. There are a few delis here that pretend to the title. Kind of like a tribute band compared to the real thing. Several people have opened Jewish delis over the decades I've been here; they do okay for a while (probably business from the Minnesotans who have lived where there are Jewish delis) and then business falls off and they close. They don't even descend into the tribute-band level; it's almost like they'd rather be remembered for pure effort than what they used to represent. There's a good bagel place on either side of the river, though. Too bad I no longer eat bagels.
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