Chicken lady “fixes”? Her own life [Archive]

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Chicken lady

3-1-21, 9:02am

If anybody cares.

so after I realized I was looking in the wrong place for help and just annoying you people, some things changed. Corona virus helped.

I accepted that I am not as good a person as I think I should be.
For example: I quit the food bank because the political/religious environment became unbearable. Also I realized I was investing a lot of energy reducing the service burden on people who were going to put some of their energy into creating a world I don’t want to live in - like giving someone a ride to the polls when you know they are going to vote against your candidate - noble, and in service to an ideal (democracy) you believe in, but ultimately stupid. If the person is a perfectly nice person who you generally get along with and you both believe that everyone should vote - it is still stupid.

corollary - geography is not community. Trying to get involved in things near me just raises my stress level - the more I know my neighbors, the less I like them. I realized during corona that the higher the fatality rate in my immediate geographic location, the more likely my immediate geographic location will become a less hostile place for me to live - and my neighbors don’t want me to save them, they find my efforts annoying, so ok, live and let die. (Again, not a good person. Actually ok with that.)

I am not a misanthrope - I have found ways to increase my support of people who are trying to row the boat in the direction I want to go. They don’t live near me. I don’t want to move. Which is fine, because I also realized:

I am much more of an introvert than I even realized. Dh is now home all the time. I no longer interact with strangers at all. I don’t even interact with the guy who has sold me feed for over a decade beyond calling in my order and then calling to literally say “I’m here.” (I have realized that the inside of the feed store was a hostile environment for me.) Dh tries to make safe outdoor plans with friends every six weeks or so - I feel ambivalent about them.

I get plenty of human interaction from Dh and my kids in town (seen socially distant every month or so, but talked to often) and my students. I have just enough contact with my coworkers - my job no longer involves conferences and open houses. The administration is too overwhelmed to bother me. I also get to spend entire days with my grandchild. I miss my out of town kids and my parents, but video calls make it ok.

Dh took over grocery shopping(curbside) and cooking (because he was bored). the fitness center closed and I stopped exercising. I have gained weight and lost muscle mass, but I’m happier because I have all that time back.

Since we never have company, I have been able to leave ongoing projects out in the guest rooms and pick at them for months without having to scoop them up and start over - so there has been slow but steady progress without stress. I also don’t worry about people (particularly some of Dh relatives) judging (out loud) my housekeeping. I enjoy never seeing them, but Dh loves them, so that won’t last. Also, I have more free time without company and activities with friends.

other things were beyond my control - I actually increased my teaching hours, but I have far fewer high need students this year. I also have an aide to facilitate the online students who helps me with classroom set up and clean up. Two people in my life whom I love have had their lives improve such that I can now be there for them as much as they want without me being exhausted and sad. I have a grandchild who brings me great joy. Errands no longer involve getting out of my car.

I am spending more time on my garden and farm (manual labor now provides ALL of my exercise) and sorting through and rearranging all that stuff people kept telling me to just throw out. - wandering through memories, imagining possibilities - This makes me happy. Many of the ridiculous space eating things I saved are now being used by my grandchild and that is fun to see and my child is grateful for the help to her budget. (Opportunities to safely buy second hand being scarce these days - free is even more helpful.)

i don’t know how much of this I will be able to keep control of once the pandemic ends, but I have learned a lot. “In an insane world, the sane are insane” and apparently the current insanity of the world is a balm to my mental health.

sorry, this is long but actually the short version. Basically, I did need help, but I apologize for asking for it here. The thread “good advice is only good if you take it” helped me realize the advice is only good if it helps you. Everybody kept trying to give me good advice, and I kept making them angry by rejecting it because it wasn’t good for me. Like me trying to keep my neighbors safe from covid. They’re happier if I don’t, and they don’t want to be safe, they want to be happy.

catherine

3-1-21, 9:16am

This is a cool post. So glad you have been able to find a "middle way" to dealing with the stressors in your life, and I'm glad that you have identified those stressors! COVID has had some benefit.

I can identify with the idea of just letting the nonessential fall to the wayside during this time. I've posted earlier about my need since September (since my daughter's wedding) about my concerted attempt to step into a vacuum away from needless activity. Of course I have to work, but I have a need to just step back and literally figure out who I am. Part of this came about because of my acceptance of my daughter's request to make her dress. I was flattered and said yes. I didn't take into consideration that all I've made for 40+ years is Halloween costumes. I let my hubris carry me along with expectations that I would be able to do this wonderful, runway ready wedding dress for my daughter.

Wrong. It came out OK, but it was like one of the many Halloween costumes I've done. Looked OK on the outside, but the inside was--not well done. It was not a part of the wedding that either DD or I are going to remember fondly. So, that, combined with all the work I was swamped with leading up to the wedding and all my various interests buzzing around my head bombarding me like black flies in June, forced me to yell, "enough!" So I have sat back and let life happen for the most part. All I have concentrated on are the esssentials, and whatever floats my boat at the moment.

I haven't had enough of the silence yet. I'm still waiting to understand who I am! At almost-69! But it's all part of the journey. In lieu of relying on these antiquated constructs of who 'catherine' is--I've installed a meditation habit to raze my perceptions and start from scratch. It's pretty freeing, actually, to dismantle The Person You Think You Should Be.

So I really enjoyed reading your story, CL. You sound calmer and more centered.

herbgeek

3-1-21, 9:28am

Thanks for sharing your update Chicken Lady. I'm glad to hear your stresses have been relieved in many areas.

Tradd

3-1-21, 10:13am

Thanks for the uodate, CL. Glad to hear you’re doing well.

iris lilies

3-1-21, 10:13am

Good to hear this CL. Yes, these Covid times have been a boon in some ways to us introverts!

JaneV2.0

3-1-21, 11:08am

Your experience certainly resonates with me. COVID has served as a reset for many--in a good way.

rosarugosa

3-1-21, 11:12am

CL: I'm glad you've been able to make some positive changes for yourself. I also derived benefit from the "down time" of Covid, but a lot of that had to do with the suspension of appointments, many of which are medically necessary, so that was only a temporary reprieve. I've always been quite good at avoiding a lot of social obligations.
Do you have thoughts on how to make some of the benefits more permanent?
I do think those of us who fulfill most of our socialization needs in non-pandemic times from our spouses or SOs do so at our peril, especially if we are women.

Tradd

3-1-21, 11:34am

A lot of people have been pushing to get off FB as it’s too toxic these days, etc. I get a ton of my socialization via FB. Friends, lots of diving stuff, a number of closed groups with people I’ve known online for a long time.

iris lilies

3-1-21, 11:35am

Since I only allow discussion of Iris, lilies, and bulldogs into my Facebook feed, things are very serene in my Facebook world.

I get my rock ‘n’ roll conflict from other sources: Reddit is fun for that.

Teacher Terry

3-1-21, 11:49am

I am very happy for you CL! Being a extrovert this pandemic has been difficult. I have always maintained a close friend group no matter if married and where I lived because I need it. Now since I have divorced my husband which is not something that I ever thought I would do I am very grateful for my friends. I also am grateful for my kids that I see every week.

Tradd

3-1-21, 11:50am

IL, same here. My FB is diving, Corgi dogs, and books, for the most part.

Chicken lady

3-1-21, 12:33pm

happystuff

3-1-21, 1:44pm

Thanks for sharing, CL, and everyone else. I have to say, I think I am slow to react to any covid changes except for employment. And that change was so big, just dealing with it has pretty much consumed my thoughts and time. Lately, however, I have started realizing more things I'm missing, so will have to start figuring out how I'm going to respond.

Continued wishes to all for health and happiness.

razz

3-1-21, 2:19pm

Thanks for posting your thoughts.

Self-expectations are cruel and arbitrary beasts and very hard to define in measurable terms as they seem to keep changes the parameters.

I was talking to my daughters and some friends about the long-term impact of the covid experience. For me, it has evolved into a beneficial spiritual retreat doing the same soul-searching that CL and Cath mentioned but as uniquely mine as is theirs. Friends, family and dog-walking contacts are my social set; the dog is my gym membership/companion and I use the computer for so many online activities that are now available due to covid. I was careful about setting boundaries with neighbours when I moved into my house and that has worked out well.

Part of it is recognizing that we are all continually evolving as time goes by but something like covid makes the changes more visible. Does it sound arrogant to say that I like myself better today than I did 10 years ago? Part of it is that I am increasingly recognizing the good parts of my mindset not just the parts that need improvement, I think.

rosarugosa

3-1-21, 2:38pm

Rosa, I am trying to work on it, but it is a little bit hard. There are a lot of issues and things out of my control (how long will the librarian bring books to my car?) It is unreasonable to ban the loved one of your spouse from your home when the only problems you can point to are “this person often speaks to me in a way I find hurtful but another person might not. Also I dislike pretty much everything about their personality.” I don’t know if Dh will want to cook after he goes back to work. I don’t know how long I can enjoy (and I do enjoy) his cooking without significant health consequences.

and yes, I have skipped health appointments. Right there we’ve got a minimum of 5 “stranger contact days” a year.

i don’t understand your last statement at all. I’m sorry.

I’m not sure what my “socialization needs” are. I think it is possible that Dh being home uses up my tolerance for contact with people rather than meeting my socialization needs. Fortunately we have 28 acres and 3 buildings - two with heat.

I am not on Facebook. This is one of two boards I visit to meet my desire for conversation and viewpoints outside my immediate circle. My only other interactive computer activities are work and personal emails.

CL: What I meant was that if one gets all his/her socialization needs met by one person (I guess it wouldn't necessarily have to be their partner), then they are in a sorrier fix if that person predeceases them than if they had a somewhat wider circle. I worry sometimes that my inner circle is a bit smaller than it should be. However, you do have children and I do not and you are working and I am retired, so our circumstances are certainly different.
I did notice that I could tolerate more social interactions after I retired. More time abundance made me feel less like my time had to be so carefully guarded. I could have both people time and me time; I could have my cake and eat it too! When I was working, one social activity every other week was my limit (and less often was preferable).
I think introversion/extroversion is a spectrum, and I may very well not be as introverted as you are, so you might see this differently. Most of us do have at least some desire to socialize with other humans though.

Teacher Terry

3-1-21, 2:40pm

It’s never good to have all your eggs in one basket even with family:)).

rosarugosa

3-1-21, 2:48pm

My guess would be that Rosa is referring to the fact that women often outlive their husbands and without close friends are lonely when their husbands die. Some of my friends have lost husbands in their 60’s.

Yes, I was definitely thinking of that.

Chicken lady

3-1-21, 3:44pm

Got it.

yes, it is good to have friends. I have a few good friends that understand that I am an introvert. We see each other infrequently but always pick up easily and happily - some I share the experience of an annual event with. I haven’t seen one of my best friends (in another state) in person for 18 years, but I have a standing offer to come for the weekend any time. Most of them are much more extroverted than I and would be happy to add an extra activity or two a year if I were feeling lonely. And I do have kids.

i didn’t mean that I don’t know what socialization needs in general are btw, just that I don’t know what mine are. The only times I feel lonely is when I have an experience with a human that I need to talk to another human about and I have no one to discuss it with - and that’s not a lack of friends, it’s a lack of friends with my particular weird world view and I have no idea how to fix that! I have one friend who really “gets me” and that is a minor miracle. Unfortunately she also works with me and is close to family members, so I sometimes can’t talk to her about things due to concern for other people’s privacy.

no contact with other humans at all for two weeks sounds like a lovely vacation to me. I’m not sure how long it would take past that for me to be interested in calling someone or going where other people are. - although I’d gladly trade a day alone for a day with my grandchild no matter what.

rosarugosa

3-1-21, 8:28pm

A slight digression, but seeing the light at the end of the tunnel with vaccinations etc. makes me realize how Covid has been such a great excuse, and there have been lots of "oh yes, we'll have to get together once things get back to normal." So there is a small sense of dread, like some big debt out there accruing interest ...

catherine

3-1-21, 8:32pm

Chicken lady

3-1-21, 9:08pm

Lol! - I have never once promised to do something with someone when this is over. But then, precovid I would often say simply “I’m sorry, I can’t.” My favorite was when my friend had a pasta making party. She was telling me about it before it happened, and (knowing I wanted to learn to make pasta) she said “ I didn’t invite you so you didn’t have to say no but of course you could come.” and I said “I’d like to, but...” and she said “people.” And I said “yeah.”

well, to cheer up my Dd I told her we would have a big family party for grandson’s first birthday, and I am still in for that if we can, but that is different.

and I promised my kids we would get together for Christmas. But I love that. They don’t expect me to be anyone other than who I am and I love seeing them together.

but really, it isn’t a digression, because covid is part of what is making this work for me, and I am definitely dreading “normal” one of my biggest challenges will be figuring out how to avoid “normal”. Because “normal” sucked. I was stressed and exhausted and frustrated and unhappy.

SteveinMN

3-1-21, 10:08pm

Appreciate the update, Chicken lady. Maybe one of the silver linings of this pandemic has been the ability to step back a little and view our old normal with a different perspective -- and have the time to make it work. I wish you continued discovery and growth!