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pinkytoe
4-10-21, 4:59pm
DH still refuses to get vaccinated which is his right. However, it is putting me in a tough spot as family members and friends now want to get together, ie come for overnight visits. My brother plans to be here in three weeks with the assumption that we will both be vaccinated. I am too embarrassed to admit to him (or anyone else) that DH will not be vaccinated. I don't know a single person in my world that is non-vaccinated so this a real conundrum on how to proceed.

Gardnr
4-10-21, 5:37pm
I would be going to visit family without him-he can stay home alone.

Yppej
4-10-21, 5:59pm
If everyone else you know is vaccinated what is the problem? I would think your social circle has herd immunity.

Rogar
4-10-21, 6:18pm
I think wise practice would be to be open and honest with everyone about who is vaccinated and who is not for starters.

I have something similar gathering planned for late April with 6 good friends and family and may involve meeting in uncrowded public places. All will have been past the two week period after the second dose except one fellow in his early 80's who has refused the vaccine. Far as I know he is the only one at risk and has made his choices. He can choose to avoid any situation where he's not comfortable.

pinkytoe
4-10-21, 6:47pm
I believe my brother will decline to visit if I tell them about DH which makes me very sad...

sweetana3
4-10-21, 6:52pm
You do need to be honest about vaccinations. Not a surprise you would want to dump on someone at the last minute when you know it is important to them.

razz
4-10-21, 7:12pm
Sorry that this is happening to spoil a gathering. Your DH has made his choice. Is there a way that you can connect or meet with them elsewhere? Or will your DH leave the house for the duration of their visit? This will not be the last time that this situation will arise so you do need to get it aired out with your DH.
Definitely need to be honest with your brother but emphasize that you need their support because you really want a visit with them and ask how it can be arranged without DH. Otherwise, you are going to be isolated which is not right.

Teacher Terry
4-10-21, 7:40pm
He can go to a motel for the length of your brother’s visit.

Tradd
4-10-21, 7:56pm
DH doesn’t want to get the vaccine? Fine. But he can then deal with the consequences - people knowing he refuses to get it and being banished into exile when people come to visit.

iris lilies
4-10-21, 8:44pm
DH isnt getting the vaccine, for a while anyway, and I have been telling our friends about it so that they can choose to include him, or not, in their get togethers.

Because we are coming up on summer I’m sure he will be fine in socializing during the summer because we can all meet outside. But inside? I don’t know if they’ll meet with him. But it’s not my problem it is his.

Pinky, don’t take on a problem that is not yours. I don’t know what to do about houseguests other than inform them. It’s their choice whether they come or not.Or, they can stay in a motel.I wouldn’t kick my husband out of his own home for something like this. As if I could anyway, haha.

Yppej
4-10-21, 8:51pm
I believe my brother will decline to visit if I tell them about DH which makes me very sad...

Is your brother worried about infecting your DH? Or about DH infecting him? Or both?

Gardnr
4-10-21, 9:29pm
He can go to a motel for the length of your brother’s visit.

I agree with TT. If you want your family/guests in your own home, hub can leave. It is your life too, not just his. He does not have the right to eliminate your family/friend access.

razz
4-10-21, 9:30pm
Yppej, she has not shared her DH's choice with her brother as yet and trying to work her way through this by posting here. The US may be different but there is a concern here about how to deal with those who choose not to have the vaccine jab. This issue is going to come up frequently until more is known about the effectiveness of the various vaccines. To the best of my knowledge, but maybe Gardnr or another could clarify, the vaccine causes antibodies and reduces the severity of the covid if infected but does not completely prevent it.
If PT's DH won't take the jab, he is limiting her freedom to have visitors in their home. That is not right.

iris lilies
4-10-21, 9:42pm
Yppej, she has not shared her DH's choice with her brother as yet and trying to work her way through this by posting here. The US may be different but there is a concern here about how to deal with those who choose not to have the vaccine jab. This issue is going to come up frequently until more is known about the effectiveness of the various vaccines. To the best of my knowledge, but maybe Gardnr or another could clarify, the vaccine causes antibodies and reduces the severity of the covid if infected but does not completely prevent it.
If PT's DH won't take the jab, he is limiting her freedom to have visitors in their home. That is not right.

Oh I don’t know, I limit my DH’s freedom to have visitors in our home. There has been quite a lot of support on this board for women who do not want visitors in their home for various reasons, mainly having to do with shouldering the burden of being a hostess.

This is the same kind of thing, one partner’s wishes or circumstances are in conflict with the other partner’s wishes and circumstances. They will have to figure it out together. As it is often pointed out on this board, guests may stay in a motel and visit at places where it is convenient for all.

iris lilies
4-10-21, 9:44pm
Also to consider, It might be that pinkytoe’s DH doesn’t like her brother. So he could say to himself “hey I can have a nice little spa vacation away from home by staying in a nice hotel” and everybody could be happy. That is one solution as well, that the DH voluntarily would like to leave.

Gardnr
4-10-21, 9:49pm
To the best of my knowledge, but maybe Gardnr or another could clarify, the vaccine causes antibodies and reduces the severity of the covid if infected but does not completely prevent it.

You are correct.

Rogar
4-10-21, 10:02pm
From the CDC site updated April 2. https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/science/science-briefs/fully-vaccinated-people.html



A growing body of evidence suggests that fully vaccinated people are less likely to have asymptomatic infection and potentially less likely to transmit SARS-CoV-2 to others. However, further investigation is ongoing.

Simplemind
4-10-21, 10:42pm
I would let my family know my husband wasn't vaccinated and wasn't planning on it. I wouldn't feel the need to explain for him. I also wouldn't tell him he had to leave his own home. Me........ I wouldn't mind a get away with family at a place that could accommodate us.

pinkytoe
4-10-21, 11:49pm
Actually, DH likes my brother(s) quite a bit and vice versa. They don't know as I do that he is not the same person since all this started. He was never politically opinionated or paranoid before so I feel unsure about how to respond to friends and relatives. Even our DD isn't aware of his stance and has already gotten hers. I am leery too of the vaccines but I am going forward as I want to see my grandchildren and others. He isn't there yet or may never be. It is a hard thing to know how to go forward. Perhaps separately in the end.

iris lilies
4-11-21, 12:12am
You can only go forward separately in the end because you are two separate people.

When you say you “feel unsure about how to respond to friends and relatives “ have you talked to your husband about what words he would like you to use to represent his point of view to your mutual friends? Or you could say “you will have to ask him. “


When I say my DH is not getting the vaccine, for the moment anyway, our friends invariably ask why. I say he has concerns about messenger RNA and leave it at that. Actually I can’t say more because I don’t know what exactly his concerns are.

I think it will be interesting to see if your daughter sets a boundary to say her father can’t see his grandchildren without a vaccine And what he does if that is the case.

Teacher Terry
4-11-21, 1:47am
PT, I admit there’s some risk probably in taking the vaccine just like anything but I think it’s more risky not to. I would tell your brother the truth and see what he says. SM is right that you could stay at a hotel to visit him if it comes to that. It’s a shame that he is changing for the worse. I am actually surprised at how many people divorce after retirement. When I think about it my ex has changed in many ways for the worse as he has aged. I was just dealing with it until the cheating. I am sorry you are going through this.

razz
4-11-21, 7:52am
I would let my family know my husband wasn't vaccinated and wasn't planning on it. I wouldn't feel the need to explain for him. I also wouldn't tell him he had to leave his own home. Me........ I wouldn't mind a get away with family at a place that could accommodate us.

Nice!

Isolation and fear stresses people. Both your DH and you have gone through a lot of changes over the past few years - retirement, moving away from the familiar friends and location, rebuilding a life in a new community and now the isolation of covid with all its fears and contradictions. We all change with so many things happening at the same time, losing confidence in ourselves, and the future. We do each own the responsibility for our thinking, acting and how we respond to challenges but sometimes it is a struggle to find a path through. Been there myself after DH's passing. Wishing you both well.

Perhaps, your family may help find a way to support you both with the concerns re the covid jab. They can't if they don't know about it as they may well be going through the similar challenges with others. This is all new territory for all of us.

jp1
4-11-21, 8:22am
PT being in the closet sucks. Regardless of what it is that one is keeping secret. Open up to your family about your husband’s refusal to get vaccinated. His personality change should not be your burden to carry in secret.

happystuff
4-11-21, 9:40am
I would let my family know my husband wasn't vaccinated and wasn't planning on it. I wouldn't feel the need to explain for him. I also wouldn't tell him he had to leave his own home. Me........ I wouldn't mind a get away with family at a place that could accommodate us.

I agree. And anyone who pursues with additional questions, I would simple point them to DH saying "I can't speak for dh, so you really have to ask him to find out. However, I would LOVE to get together!".

ApatheticNoMore
4-11-21, 1:21pm
I admit there’s some risk probably in taking the vaccine just like anything but I think it’s more risky not to.

right, and if he takes any medicines there are risks, and if he smokes tobacco my eyes are rolling out of my head and down the sidewalk, because noone who puffs away at cigs has a right to talk about the vaccine being risky :~)

None of us are the same person we were before all this started, I doubt most changes are positive.

But yea you need to tell the truth. But the reason why guest would stay away is not for their own safety if they are vaccinated. If they are vaccinated they are fine. But only to protect him because he refuses to be vaccinated, an altruistic sacrifice.

Gardnr
4-11-21, 4:06pm
PT, I admit there’s some risk probably in taking the vaccine

Nothing compared to the risk of Smallpox or Polio to name a few. Yet, I bet everyone denying this vaccine took both of those? I have an Aunt who had polio and a life of dealing with it. I don't wish that on anyone, just as I don't wish a ventilator death on anyone.

Vaccines of the past were LIVE virus or attenuated LIVE virus yet we and/our parents didn't think twice about taking them.

Gardnr
4-11-21, 4:08pm
anyone turning down RNA cancer treatments?

iris lilies
4-11-21, 5:09pm
Nothing compared to the risk of Smallpox or Polio to name a few. Yet, I bet everyone denying this vaccine took both of those? I have an Aunt who had polio and a life of dealing with it. I don't wish that on anyone, just as I don't wish a ventilator death on anyone.

Vaccines of the past were LIVE virus or attenuated LIVE virus yet we and/our parents didn't think twice about taking them.
you are wrong, many people were afraid of taking the polio vaccine.

I heard an NPR story about one of the media teams that went into African American communities to convince those folks to take the vaccine. Granted, this was amid legions of people lining up with their children in tow to get the vaccine into their kids.

Elvis Presley was tapped to make a public appearance getting the polio vaccine as a way to convince the public to get it.

bae
4-11-21, 5:16pm
DH still refuses to get vaccinated which is his right. However, it is putting me in a tough spot as family members and friends now want to get together, ie come for overnight visits.

Well, if everyone else involved is vaccinated, the current CDC guidance suggests that DH (if he's in a low-risk group) being unvaccinated shouldn't be a big deal:

"Fully vaccinated people can: ... Visit with unvaccinated people from a single household who are at low risk for severe COVID-19 disease indoors without wearing masks or physical distancing."

https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/vaccines/fully-vaccinated-guidance.html

pinkytoe
4-11-21, 5:36pm
That is good to know, Bae. DH is 66 and has borderline high blood pressure but otherwise healthy. It will be up to my brother I guess but will be honest about the situation.

bae
4-11-21, 5:39pm
It will be up to my brother I guess but will be honest about the situation.

It would feel to me like a terrible consent violation to your visitors to not disclose the vaccination status in this sort of situation.

Gardnr
4-11-21, 6:10pm
you are wrong, many people were afraid of taking the polio vaccine.

I didn't say there was no fear. My parents weren't thrilled to get me a smallpox vac at age 4 months so that we could immigrate, but they did it.

Tybee
4-12-21, 7:32am
Just tell them with no big drama. They may have no problem with it--we just got together with my son's in-laws, who will not get vaccinated, but we are doubly vaccinated, and figure it's fine with us; they are the ones taking the risk, since they are the ones not vaccinated.