View Full Version : Mom is moving to assisted living next week, it can't come soon enough
My sister arrived this morning to get Mom ready for her twice weekly day program. The house was 87 degrees. Mom has either forgotten she has an air conditioner, or forgotten how to turn it on.
She's already (intermittently) forgotten she has a thermostat and complains about being cold or puts the oven on for heat (and forgets its on), and has forgotten how to use the microwave so has been eating her meals cold instead of asking for help (we figured it out on our own due to her behavior). We put a note on the microwave for settings to use, but I haven't observed her using it yet.
The movers are coming on Friday to take the furniture she'll be using at the new place, while she's occupied at the day program to eliminate a confrontation. Not sure how my sister will explain why things are missing, because THAT is something Mom is sure to notice. On Tuesday, Mom is moving in. My sister obtained some Xanax for Mom to make things easier (although I think she should reserve one for herself). Also my sister's ex boyfriend who my Mom trusts (unlike her children) will be there to assure Mom that it will be ok.
Mom got a tour of the place over the weekend and just completely harangued the staff we met with saying she is normal, doesn't need help, and her daughter is only doing this so the house can be sold and my sister can pocket the profits. The place is expensive, but with my mother, they will be earning every penny.
rosarugosa
6-29-21, 8:39am
Good luck with the transition, Herbgeek! It sounds like it will be a big relief for you folks once it is done. My late uncle was living at a really nice facility in Danvers for awhile. He was in an independent living apartment, and I believe it was about $4000+ per month. I think meals were included. Their assisted living units were $7200 per month (this was about 3 years ago). They also had facilities for people who needed total care, and I have no idea what the price was for that. It seems like there is a spectrum of affordability in housing options for non-seniors or seniors who don't require assistance, but for seniors needing care, a person needs to be either very wealthy or Medicaid-eligible, without many options in between the extremes.
iris lilies
6-29-21, 8:47am
Herbqeek, wish you well in this thorny endeavor.
each year in St. louis a little old person is found dead due to heat.usually they have air conditioning, but they have not turned it on. Old people can’t regulate body temperature well.
Herbqeek, wish you well in this thorny endeavor.
each year in St. louis a little old person is found dead due to heat.usually they have air conditioning, but they have not turned it on. Old people can’t regulate body temperature well.
Great point, IL. The rate for assisted living here was5,700 a month, and now Mom is paying 10,300 for memory care.
My mother does not know how to turn her TV off. It was on when I called her last night so she went to another room so she could hear me. My brother has to do it for her.
Neither she nor my father know how to turn on the radio on the car they have had for a year now, and she doesn't know how to run the heating and cooling controls on it, though he has learned. But the worst part of the accident that totaled their old car is that she is still dealing with billing issues as two insurance companies and Medicare battle out who should pay how much for what or try to stick her with the bills. The other driver was at fault. She declined my advice to get an attorney and took a small settlement before all the bills were in, and which in no way compensated her for the pain of bruised ribs and a broken vertebrae in her back.
Anything the least bit out of the ordinary is so hard for her.
happystuff
6-29-21, 10:44am
Good luck to you all, herbgeek! I hope the transition goes smooth as possible for all.
iris lilies
6-29-21, 10:45am
Great point, IL. The rate for assisted living here was5,700 a month, and now Mom is paying 10,300 for memory care.
Yes i am figuring on about $100,000 annually for my nursing home costs. At the moment it is not thatbhigh here in the midwest, but it will be that high when my time comes.
SteveinMN
6-29-21, 11:14am
Good luck, herbgeek! Makes me so thankful that my MiL wanted to move to assisted living. It still took effort on the part of the family to clear out her old place and get her (new) bills under control and so forth, but at least she was not complicating things by resisting the move.
frugal-one
6-29-21, 11:25am
Best wishes herbgeek. You know you are doing the right thing!
Teacher Terry
6-29-21, 12:11pm
Your poor sister may need the Xanax more than your mom:)). Hoping it goes well.
catherine
6-29-21, 12:21pm
Wow..All these stories of elderly parents and the critical need for advanced care is scaring me a little. I actually started looking on sites for long-term care insurance. $10k+? At the same time, is LTC insurance worth it? I think back to my own elders:
1. Dad died young and suddenly
2. Mom died in assisted living--a Medicaid place, but it was actually run pretty well and she had friends there she liked.
3. Paternal grandmother--died at 78 suddenly.
4. Paternal grandfather--had enough money for 24 hour home care
5. Maternal grandmother--died in a Medicaid nursing home with severe dementia--the place was OK
6. Paternal grandfather--died at 65 suddenly.
7. My three paternal aunts all lived wth family when they became unable to live on their own, specifically, their children.
8. My maternal great-aunt was fully functioning, lived in her own place, and called 911 for herself the night she died at age 92.
Sorry for this self-indulgent bunny trail off of herbgeek's thread, but I would love to be able to look into a crystal ball and see what level of care DH and I will require as we advance into old(er) age so we can plan accordingly and save our kids some angst.
herb geek, so glad things are progressing for your mom--soon you'll be able to rest easy!
iris lilies
6-29-21, 12:39pm
Wow..All these stories of elderly parents and the critical need for advanced care is scaring me a little. I actually started looking on sites for long-term care insurance. $10k+? At the same time, is LTC insurance worth it? I think back to my own elders:
1. Dad died young and suddenly
2. Mom died in assisted living--a Medicaid place, but it was actually run pretty well and she had friends there she liked.
3. Paternal grandmother--died at 78 suddenly.
4. Paternal grandfather--had enough money for 24 hour home care
5. Maternal grandmother--died in a Medicaid nursing home with severe dementia--the place was OK
6. Paternal grandfather--died at 65 suddenly.
7. My three paternal aunts all lived wth family when they became unable to live on their own, specifically, their children.
8. My maternal great-aunt was fully functioning, lived in her own place, and called 911 for herself the night she died at age 92.
Sorry for this self-indulgent bunny trail off of herbgeek's thread, but I would love to be able to look into a crystal ball and see what level of care DH and I will require as we advance into old(er) age so we can plan accordingly and save our kids some angst.
herb geek, so glad things are progressing for your mom--soon you'll be able to rest easy!
you are past the age where LTC insurance would be practical. Besides, the big heads of finance are no longer recommending it.
It worked well for my mother’s generation, will not work for us.
The kids will have angst no matter what, but $$$ will provide options that relieve ( but not eliminate) their stress.
Money is always about buying options.
iris lilies
6-29-21, 12:47pm
My mother does not know how to turn her TV off. It was on when I called her last night so she went to another room so she could hear me. My brother has to do it for her.
Neither she nor my father know how to turn on the radio on the car they have had for a year now, and she doesn't know how to run the heating and cooling controls on it, though he has learned. But the worst part of the accident that totaled their old car is that she is still dealing with billing issues as two insurance companies and Medicare battle out who should pay how much for what or try to stick her with the bills. The other driver was at fault. She declined my advice to get an attorney and took a small settlement before all the bills were in, and which in no way compensated her for the pain of bruised ribs and a broken vertebrae in her back.
Anything the least bit out of the ordinary is so hard for her.
Well, I did relate here about how I, an aging Boomer, couldn’t figure out the radio on my 2017 model car. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn’t. How was I supposed to know that nanny government was saving me from myself by ensuring that I couldn’t chnage channels when the car was moving over 5 miles an hour?
The level of stupidity on these new models boggles my mind.
Yes i am figuring on about $100,000 annually for my nursing home costs. At the moment it is not thatbhigh here in the midwest, but it will be that high when my time comes.
I have less than $100,000 in retirement savings. These figures are not for the faint of heart.
The facility has dealt with similar situations as your mother's, Herbgeek, so, with time, will develop a routine that your mother will be comfortable doing. Wishing you and your sister the peace of mind from knowing your mother is safe and cared for after all your efforts to provide for the best possible situation for her .
Simplemind
6-29-21, 1:53pm
Your post so brings me back to my dad. We had the exact observations. He couldn't run the microwave, he would forget to turn the stove off. The clocks weren't being wound. All the little executive functions that begin to slip away. We were painting after my mom died because she was a smoker. The house was already in somewhat of a bit of chaos with paintings off the wall and furniture moved. We moved him and he somehow though that it was because there had been a house fire and things were being repaired. My brother had taken him to his house for the night and I got his new apartment set up as much like home as possible and we moved him in. He was content and eventually stopped asking when the work would be done. He never asked to go back to the house to look at it. He was easy..... my mom (thank God she died at home) would have been hell on wheels. She already was difficult even in her happy place.
Catherine, it does not hurt to start looking around to see where you might want to go in the future, although I think you are pretty well situated for right now, as you have already downsized and have a sustainable, manageable lifestyle with supportive neighbors and kids. I think this place looks nice:
https://livingwellgroup.org/location/ethanallenresidence/
I have toured several places now in two states, and it does not hurt to go on a tour, and you will find some places that you like and some you don't, and you will say, hey, I could live here, or no way could I live here.
I would pick a place that would do self-pay then convert to Medicaid when your money is gone--all 3 of the places where my parents were are like that.
I strongly think you are going to be like your great aunt and be at home for the duration, but obviously, one never knows. I am hoping to die with my boots on (literally, maybe thrown from a horse?) and call it a day.
But once we decide where we are living, I'll do the tours and find a place I like and tell my kids that's where I want to go if I need to, so they will have the comfort of knowing I picked it out.
Teacher Terry
6-29-21, 9:54pm
Both my dad and uncle were cared for at home by their wives until a week before dying. My mom was home at 89 until a week before she died and my aunt at 96 just moved herself to assisted living. I am not worrying about it.
dado potato
6-30-21, 1:00am
Herbgeek,
I hope the new living arrangement for your mother enables her to make new friends and keep the old. (One is silver, and the other is gold.)
Sidney Carter (1915-2004) a British song-writer who died of Alzheimer's, wrote his own epitaph:
Coming and going by the dance, I see
That what I am not is a part of me.
Dancing is all that I can ever trust,
The dance is all I am, the rest is dust.
I will believe my bones and live by what
Will go on dancing when my bones are not.
Anything the least bit out of the ordinary is so hard for her.
It must be hard for you and your brother to bear witness to her (and your father's) decline. Many of us have been where you are and look on with sympathy.
It must be hard for you and your brother to bear witness to her (and your father's) decline. Many of us have been where you are and look on with sympathy.
Thank you Simone. I appreciate the sympathy.
I'm glad to hear she's moving before she's too far gone. I work at an assisted living facility and so many times the children are in denial or have no idea just how bad their parent is. A few have been in the regular section for a week or so, only to be moved to the memory care part right away. Unfortunately our memory care wing is more of a nursing home and a most of the residents there would be better someplace else. It makes it more difficult for the few residents that are physically healthy but need more attention for the mental issues.
My place has a few residents who sort of look after the newbies, accompany them to meals and answer any questions they have until they get used to the routine and settle in. Life there is only as good as they make it to be. One resident has never been down for a meal in a year and is rarely out of her bed. Some just go to meals and hurry back to be alone in their room. Some eat their meal, and then are back a few minutes later because they forgot they just ate.
It never gets dull. At least with Covid restrictions lifted in most places you can visit regularly.
I'd be one of the ones who "go to meals and hurry back to be alone in their room." Or more likely, I'd pay extra for room service... :D
Solitude is not a punishment for some of us.
I think I would be more on the answer questions and help newbies get settled in.
So an update:
She went in on Tuesday, kicking and screaming the whole way. It took the staff until 3:30 in the afternoon to calm her down. Then my nephew showed up to visit and it all started again. The staff recommends you don't visit for the first two weeks to allow for the resident to get acclimated, and even though I see the point, it was too hard for us to do that. Particularly how she has life long issues about being abandoned.
My sister got pictures all week, showing Mom in various activities. She's been doing everything. There is even another woman from Germany there, that they sit Mom with at meals who also does all the activities. So you'd think its all good. Nope. Mom has been a victim her whole life, and always focused on the one thing she couldn't have instead of the 99 things she does have. We picked her up for the day yesterday so she could attend her great grand daughter's 4th bday party (and also to be reassured she is still part of the family).
It didn't go well at first, she's screaming at us what horrible people we are to have put her away like that, that we must think she is garbage etc etc. Sister and I both told her that if she's going to be like that, we aren't going to be taking her out. She kept at it until we got to my nephew's house and got to see kids playing. She was ok most of the rest of the day, occasionally bursting into tears. When the party was winding down, Mom was begging to sleep in a corner of my nephew's basement because she didn't want to go back to that place. We finally got her settled in her apartment, and she's chasing us down the hallway for one more hug. It was heart wrenching. Mom is asking when will I see you again, so my sister made plans for today to settle her -not sure that was so smart, but that will be on her to deal with Mom.
I really do feel bad over her distress. It is disorienting to be in a new place. I hope it eases over time as she becomes more familiar. I am happy with the place, and glad she is participating (even if she doesn't ever remember) and eating well. I'm glad she has people around if she gets lonely or confused. The staff mostly seem really nice and enjoy being around old people.
Glad that this is resolved. May I suggest that the staff, having seen this scene repeated many times over, are giving you good advice. She won't remember if you and family have been there an hour ago, a week ago or longer. She needs to learn the rhythm of the facility and all the support that is there every day making her feel secure.
This has been very traumatic for you and family to work through. Is there any way that you can receive the counselling support that you need now?
Why do I say this? When DH was going through the diagnosis and chemo and radiation with the understanding that he had possibly 3 years to live, he observed that while he had support from all, there was nothing available for me or the family. I just kept going, transporting him to treatments and trying to figure out so much stuff in the present and the future. It is very painful and few friends can help who have not experienced something similar. I felt relief when he finally passed on his terms and at peace but felt such guilt at the same time. Deal with the emotional stress ASAP please. Your mother is fine so your guilt and commitments need to be realistic for today's circumstances not the past.
I haven't shared this before but I believe that you need to have it said because I wish someone had said it to me.
happystuff
7-11-21, 10:58am
Thanks for the update, herbgeek. It sounds like your mother is in a nice place and I hope she is able to adjust quickly. I agree with razz that you (and other family members) might benefit from some counseling.
razz, thank you for sharing such personal experiences.
Continued prayers to all.
+1 to what razz said. There's almost always plenty of help available for the person in the figurative wheelchair, but very rarely does anyone offer help to the person pushing that wheelchair. Support and, sometimes, a helping hand or shoulder, make a huge difference in a caregiver's life. herbgeek, thanks for the update. I'm sorry this transition has been so hard on your family.
I am so glad she got there. I bet it will get better--it did each time we moved Mom--she is on her third facility, and she has done really well now in memory care. Not so great in assisted living, but that was the fault of those who put her there instead of memory care.
I have heard that about staying away, too, for the first couple of weeks, but at this last place, they wanted us there as much as possible. So I guess thinking on that varies. She was just alone without visitors for the past two weeks because they were on Covid quarantine again, but she seemed fine when I saw her for the first time after that.
If the people are nice and caring and there is enough staff, it is amazing how happy residents can be, as their needs are met in a stress-free environment. You have done the right thing, and it is hard not to feel bad. Really hard. But you have done the best thing for her.
I have heard that about staying away, too, for the first couple of weeks, but at this last place, they wanted us there as much as possible. So I guess thinking on that varies.
You are right in this, Tybee, Just a thought to consider. The advice may vary according to the needs and feelings of the visiting family and their impact on the needs and feelings of the new resident in the facility
You were at peace and pleased that your mother is now in the right setting. When you visit, you reinforce that peace.
By contrast, if the resident is new to the facility, feeling agitated and stressed and equally agitated and stressed family members visit, they reinforce the agitation and stress of the resident. Taking a break for a couple of weeks, allows a respite for the family members to recover and a chance for the quiet routines of the facility to support the resident.
A good facility is serving both the family with all its complex dynamics as well as the resident in its care. Every admission requires an assessment by staff of both in their planning and advice and will vary.
Well, my experience is somewhat different from that, in that I am always positive and do the same thing--bring her new flowers, get rid of the old dead flowers, water her orchid, sit and talk, always cheerful. Last week our visit was wonderful. Today it was awful--same scenario, woke her from a nap, but they told me she had not been up at all that day, which means she did not get her medication, and she was back to being upset and disoriented, and asked me what was wrong with her, how long had she been sick, was she crazy, how long was it going to last, how did she get there, etc. etc. etc.
She said, "I love you," and then said, "but I don't know you." Which seemed to upset her more, as though she was sensing how sick she was.
It must be so awful, I would try to sleep all day, too.
So dementia patients have good days and bad days, too, and who knows why.
iris lilies
7-12-21, 5:06pm
Aww that is tough when you see so much variation in your mother’s worldview.
That is hard to deal with, Tybee. So sorry that you are going through this experience with your mother.
That is hard to deal with, Tybee. So sorry that you are going through this experience with your mother.
Thank you.
happystuff
7-13-21, 9:37pm
I'm sorry, Tybee. I hope you are able to concentrate on and treasure the good days.
herbgeek - you mentioned your mom in another thread and I was wondering how things were going. Has she adjusted?
The staff says that mom is doing well. The 3 times I've been there she is actively engaged in activities or sitting in the hallway waiting for friends. She insists she is miserable, wants to go home, says she cries all the time and says no one comes to visit her. Mom holds on to that victim role like a warm blanket, has always been like that. Someone visits her at least every other day. She was crying all day at home, now its just in the evening when activities stop. She has made friends, she's busy, even doing the exercise classes! But constant complaining, whining, and negative. That's who she is.
Well, it's nice to hear that she has made some friends and is busy! And YAY for the exercise classes! It seems like this was the right decision - congrats all around.
Hoping that you can feel more relaxed with peace of mind after the stress of the past few months knowing that she is now getting the practical care she really needed.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2025 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.