Disentangling

[Yppej]

I am slowly working to disentangle my life from my son's because he is estranged from me and won't speak to me.

First I switched my backup person in case my email has an alert (signed in from a new device etc) to my brother.

Today I left him a note to please have his auto insurance premiums deducted from his own bank account not mine. He has reimbursed me for these, but sometimes with a lag, not an issue I mind as I can float him, but I don't think he should be doing this where he doesn't want to communicate with me.

This is emotional work for me, and makes me think of other people having to go through it due to divorce, death or dementia of a loved one, etc. I feel for you all.

[Tybee]

I am slowly working to disentangle my life from my son's because he is estranged from me and won't speak to me.

First I switched my backup person in case my email has an alert (signed in from a new device etc) to my brother.

Today I left him a note to please have his auto insurance premiums deducted from his own bank account not mine. He has reimbursed me for these, but sometimes with a lag, not an issue I mind as I can float him, but I don't think he should be doing this where he doesn't want to communicate with me.

This is emotional work for me, and makes me think of other people having to go through it due to divorce, death or dementia of a loved one, etc. I feel for you all.

I think this is a lot like a divorce. I am glad you are disentangling your life from your son's illness, and hope that you can get him moved out or sell the house and get a place without him.

I would definitely stop letting him have his auto insurance premiums deducted from his own bank account. I would also notify the bank that you no longer will let them be deducted from your account.

[Klunick]

I don't know that backstory to all this but I am sorry you are going through this.

[Yppej]

TY Klunick.

[catherine]

How painful, Jeppy. So sorry to hear this, but you've hung in there a long time and I'm praying you both will be happier. As a mother who tends to cling too long to some things and accept other things I don't need to, I admire your strength to get through this transition period. It certainly doesn't mean the end of your relationship with your son, just different rules of engagement.

[Yppej]

TY Catherine. One thing I have read is when a parent-child relationship is close the child feels a stronger need to distance in order to achieve autonomy, and as a single parent we were very close, you and me against the world, in part because his father was only in his life sporadically. Even when he had visits often he would not show up or would only stay a few minutes.

So I am hoping the disentangling will lead to him feeling more autonomy and then wanting to re-engage on his own terms, but I don't think it will be anytime soon.

[Klunick]

TY Catherine. One thing I have read is when a parent-child relationship is close the child feels a stronger need to distance in order to achieve autonomy, and as a single parent we were very close, you and me against the world, in part because his father was only in his life sporadically. Even when he had visits often he would not show up or would only stay a few minutes.

So I am hoping the disentangling will lead to him feeling more autonomy and then wanting to re-engage on his own terms, but I don't think it will be anytime soon.
His Dad sounds a lot like mine.

[Teacher Terry]

It’s very difficult Yppej. I hope you can separate your living situations and one day have a good relationship again.

[KayLR]

yppej, I too, have an estranged daughter. It is the most painful thing I have ever endured. I would not wish it upon anyone. My heart goes out to you. It sounds to me like you are doing what you can and should to take care of your own heart. Best wishes for healing. It takes a long time.

[Yppej]

TY KayLR. I think it is more common than people think because due to the stigma it is not discussed much.

[iris lilies]

Jeppy I think it’s great that you weren’t sitting around waiting for further confirmations from your son, or trying to wheedle him into communicating with you, or etc. You are taking care of business, as you should be.

It is a good boundary you’ve drawn that you are taking him at his word. He needs to take you at your word. This could lead to a better relationship down the road.

[Yppej]

TY IL. The counseling has helped me. I have one more session left before my free benefit is exhausted.

[rosarugosa]

It sounds like a painful process, but I'm glad you are finding the strength to do what you need to do.

[Yppej]

TY Rosa. I always hope he will turn around, but I can't expect it or I will just be disappointed.

[early morning]

thinking of you, jeppy. take care of yourself.

[Yppej]

TY Early Morning.

[iris lilies]

TY Rosa. I always hope he will turn around, but I can't expect it or I will just be disappointed.
Your son is very rigid in his thinking as part of his disease, so yes it wouldn’t be surprising if his black and white thought processes causes him to make a big break from you. Mentally healthy people are able to have lighter, less involved relationships with people they don’t love wholeheartedly. We can function on a “matter of degree.” Your son may not be able to do that.

[Yppej]

Found an old cancelled credit card from when I had him as a secondary user on my account I had hung onto hoping in the future we could get along better and if so thinking I might reactivate it. I cut it up. We had lots of conflict around the card. He wanted it used for every purchase no matter how small to maximize rewards points and I felt keeping track of all that was not worth it. He always paid for his charges but there would be a delay since he only wanted to touch money when his hands were already dirty due to his OCD. I tried delaying collecting until the statement came in rather than as the charges were incurred but it still didn't work out. I also thought it fair to alternate rewards points but he wanted me to have them all and to micromanage how I used them so I would get the maximum reward. He saw this as a favor he was doing me by saving me money, and a payback for letting him be on the card, but I hate someone trying to control me.

[Yppej]

I have written a book for each member of my family over the years. At Barnes and Noble I get a blank journal and write a different memory on each page.

The last one I wrote was for my son and on the occasions we were getting along he would sometimes read a page and we would discuss it. We didn't get very far in the book and now he won't talk to me so I finally put the book in the family room. It was in my room where he would come in to read a page.

DB is no longer willing to relay messages - I'm surprised that lasted as long as it did - so new protocol is for anything urgent I leave a note on his door and knock, then when he hears I am downstairs he opens the door, writes a response, and when I hear his door shut I go back upstairs and get the answer. But we are pretty much disentangled and it is rare I have to do that.

Even when family comes from out of town like this coming weekend he will see them at a separate time and not go to the get-togethers if I am there. I hope this brings him some peace. At least he is in control of something in his life when he hasn't met his own expectations in many areas.

[iris lilies]

This thread reminds me that my my mentally ill friend, someone I was close to for a couple of years, has re-emerged after being in a pretty deep fog (For lack of a better term) 2-3 years.

The brief background is that he got mad at me and stopped speaking to me and others, including his mother. I wasn’t mad at him. We got occasional reports about how he was doing over the 3 year period and it was not good. He was reported to stay in all the time, never go out of the house, be hunched over his computer. We know his wife pretty well but we lost touch with her also although she was out and about and not mad at anyone.

She essentially took care of him.

He did come to a community garden event last summer and it was frightening how intensely he talked about how his tenants and people in his life controlling him through his computer. That was some unhinged stuff.

Now he’s dipping a toe into social life again. He says he wants to reconnect with friends, and so we had dinner with them a few nights ago and he’s still rather intense but is living more in reality.

[Yppej]

I wish the best for your friend IL. Seems no one knows what twists and turns an illness will take so we all just have to live day by day.

[Tybee]

That's so true, Yppej. I wish for you that you could sell the house and go someplace by yourself, to a house that did not require so much maintenance. I think that would be very freeing for you.