View Full Version : Aging Mother
This only goes in one direction sad to say. Mom reported she ran into someone the other day who asked if she had grandchildren and she said one. He asked her what's his name and she couldn't come up with the name.
I asked if she had talked to the doctor about her memory. She recently switched primary care doctors. She said no, they spent all their time going over what bloodwork she needed.
Ugh.
It is not just vocabulary either. She had fretted for days about relatives visiting this weekend and her kitchen floor. Yesterday she spent all morning cleaning it. (I don't help because my cleaning is never up to her standards.) Last night when I called she kept trying to remember what she did yesterday and finally asked my father and he told her cleaned the floor.
At least half the time now she has him in the background when she talks on the phone so he can help her with the conversation. It's sad.
Watching our parents grow old sucks. My mom is 83. She went from an active social person when she was working to a reclusive hoarder since retiring. Her health has declined too. She can barely get around because she isn't active anymore and just sits in front of her computer and TV all day. The only time she gets outside is to go to the grocery store once a month or for doctor's appointments. My inlaws are the same age and are the opposite. Always out and about doing stuff whether it's in the yard or out with friends. Health wise, they may be slipping a little but nothing like my mom. It's sad that my mom can't be like my inlaws and still enjoy life.
That's too bad about your mother Klunick, but I think not uncommon.
iris lilies
8-3-21, 9:41am
I wouldn’t worry about names, but not remembering what you did yesterday might be a problem.
It’s interesting that I am experiencing memory loss in a way that’s very weird. So, I think that’s age and possibly dementia setting in. A few months ago I noticed that all of a sudden I couldn’t remember the names of rescue dogs. We’ve had 50 some dogs through our house in 25 years but I could always remember their name When looking at a photo of them.
It is like a section of my brain was wiped out, just like when you clean up your hard drive and delete portions of it. I was only slightly worried by it because names are not that important and they’re also ones that go easily so it’s not a big deal, but it’s odd.
But last week I couldn’t remember how to spell things. I had trouble with SHOW and THROW. I couldn’t remember what letters make that oh sound. I kept trying to spell SHOW As SHOE.
Granted,spellchecker caused my spelling to go to hell, but this was something different.
I wouldn’t worry about names, but not remembering what you did yesterday might be a problem.
It’s interesting that I am experiencing memory loss in a way that’s very weird. So, I think that’s age and possibly dementia setting in. A few months ago I noticed that all of a sudden I couldn’t remember the names of rescue dogs. We’ve had 50 some dogs through our house in 25 years but I could always remember their name When looking at a photo of them.
It is like a section of my brain was wiped out, just like when you clean up your hard drive and delete portions of it. I was only slightly worried by it because names are not that important and they’re also ones that go easily so it’s not a big deal, but it’s odd.
But last week I couldn’t remember how to spell things. I had trouble with SHOW and THROW. I couldn’t remember what letters make that oh sound. I kept trying to spell SHOW As SHOE.
Granted,spellchecker caused my spelling to go to hell, but this was something different.
Probably a good idea to go see a doctor if you are noticing memory issues that concern you.
frugal-one
8-3-21, 10:15am
EVERYONE should be checked for a B-12 deficiency. The first signs are memory problems. If not corrected, the condition stays that way. My MIL had this problem. I INSISTED she be checked even though it had not been that long that she had been. The doctor gave me grief but that is what the problem was. After ONLY a few days she was back to normal. I also take lechithin which helps with memory and cholesterol issues. YLMV
I wouldn’t worry about names, but not remembering what you did yesterday might be a problem.
It’s interesting that I am experiencing memory loss in a way that’s very weird. So, I think that’s age and possibly dementia setting in. A few months ago I noticed that all of a sudden I couldn’t remember the names of rescue dogs. We’ve had 50 some dogs through our house in 25 years but I could always remember their name When looking at a photo of them.
It is like a section of my brain was wiped out, just like when you clean up your hard drive and delete portions of it. I was only slightly worried by it because names are not that important and they’re also ones that go easily so it’s not a big deal, but it’s odd.
But last week I couldn’t remember how to spell things. I had trouble with SHOW and THROW. I couldn’t remember what letters make that oh sound. I kept trying to spell SHOW As SHOE.
Granted,spellchecker caused my spelling to go to hell, but this was something different.
I am finding it much more difficult to spell things than I used to. I used to be a great speller. These days I find myself googling to check myself.
As far as names, just this morning DH and I were reminiscing about the early days of our relationship when we stayed at our friends' house, Steve and Camille, on weekends. I couldn't remember Steve's last name, and I still can't.
Also, I am definitely not as quick on the trigger as I used to be answering Jeopardy clues.
I'm curious about these minor cognitive issues, and mildly concerned, but I'm still making my clients happy when I write complex reports, so I can't be too bad yet.
My mother also has spelling issues. She still likes to play Scrabble but will ask the rest of us how to spell words and also keeps a dictionary handy.
But IL your posts here have not diminished that I can tell if that is any consolation.
iris lilies
8-3-21, 10:38am
My mother also has spelling issues. She still likes to play Scrabble but will ask the rest of us how to spell words and also keeps a dictionary handy.
But IL your posts here have not diminished that I can tell if that is any consolation.
oh no it hasnt reached a level that anyone notices besides me.
And the thing with rescue dogs is really not their names necessarily, it’s that I don’t remember the essence of each dog. I can look at a photograph and think was that one of my rescue dogs? Which one was that?
If you had asked me 18 months ago the same questions I could tell you exactly what the dog was like.
I will be flipping 50 this year and so far my memory is still pretty good. I am the resident speller at my work. People are always asking me to spell words for them or to proof read their emails for errors.
I spent five minutes the other night trying to remember Andrea Bocelli's name. I recalled that it could be confused with a woman's name, and the Magic 8-Ball that is my memory retrieved it eventually. That kind of thing happens occasionally. Sometimes it takes awhile.
Aside from vitamin deficiencies (I just popped a B12; thanks for the reminder), prescription drugs can be a problem--especially in the elderly.
I spent five minutes the other night trying to remember Andrea Bocelli's name. I recalled that it could be confused with a woman's name, and the Magic 8-Ball that is my memory retrieved it eventually. That kind of thing happens occasionally. Sometimes it takes awhile.
Aside from vitamin deficiencies (I just popped a B12; thanks for the reminder), prescription drugs can be a problem--especially in the elderly.
So can benadryl, which I take a lot for my massive allergic reactions--we've been getting stung by wasps this summer.
Teacher Terry
8-3-21, 1:37pm
IL, I would definitely get checked for the B12 deficiency. I hope that’s what it is.
iris lilies
8-3-21, 1:50pm
IL, I would definitely get checked for the B12 deficiency. I hope that’s what it is.
I take B12. I do have blood tests. Granted it’s been more than a year since I had a blood test I think? I’m not gonna go to the doctor for this. I don’t go to the dr. for just little stuff. The next time I go I’m probably due for a blood test in fact I wanted to have the allergy panel done, so that will all show up then. Sometime in the fall probably.
iris lilies
8-3-21, 2:44pm
And now I have to have a little reminiscence about my past rescue dogs. Our rescue group has a Facebook page that features, once a week, a dog who has been in our rescue program but who now has a happy home. I enjoy these posts so much, and so many of these dogs were my foster kids.
My foster parenting has come to an end though because my current bulldog is not reliable with other dogs. My old dog, Teddy Bear, came into our house as a rescue dog where he joined a group of three tiny bitchy French bulldogs and a couple of cats, in other words he joined a menagerie. He never had an opportunity to decide he wasn’t going to live with other animals because that was never a choice for him. Oh he was a sweetie pie!
Over the six years we had him he became my favorite dog. And he took many visiting dogs we fostered in stride. I do remember one guest dog we had when we took care of someone’s dog for a weekend. They hated each other. It was funny because they were both Neutered poof dogs. Man, they hated each other. But otherwise, Teddy Bear put up with quite a lot of craziness and sometimes even abuse from other dogs.
so I will miss not having foster dogs. But I keep thinking that once we get moved Hermann, I could maybe have an occasional foster dog in the city and stay in a condo with him if that is we didn’t have to keep him or her for months at a time. Also, I can commit to keeping my current dog Whiskey away from another dog in our Hermann house if we set our minds to it. It’s just that I don’t want to have a permanent foster dog around because it’s too hard to keep them apart all the time.
Last weeks Facebook post featured One of my former foster dogs who was my second least liked foster dogs among the ones that were sweet tempered. This dog was crazy and although he was cute as a bug, I just thought he was extreme. Extremely nervous. I was quite concerned about him but our rescue Head did not have concern and fortunately she was right. He was crazy nervous and that is not a personality I respond well to. He ended up going to live with a woman who is extremely calm. I met up with them one time at a dog event and he was being his usual scatterbrained ADHD self and she was standing there with him very calmly not concerned about his behavior at all. He definitely got the right mom.
Yppey, I don't know if you'd feel comfortable doing this, but you could write a letter to your mother's new PCP outlining these new behaviors. The new PCP has no background with her and they don't have a lot of time to visit with patients anymore. Any additional information you can provide is helpful. You can ask the dr. to not "blow your cover." They can ask questions that won't give you away.
Watching our parents grow old sucks. My mom is 83. She went from an active social person when she was working to a reclusive hoarder since retiring. Her health has declined too. She can barely get around because she isn't active anymore and just sits in front of her computer and TV all day. The only time she gets outside is to go to the grocery store once a month or for doctor's appointments. My inlaws are the same age and are the opposite. Always out and about doing stuff whether it's in the yard or out with friends. Health wise, they may be slipping a little but nothing like my mom. It's sad that my mom can't be like my inlaws and still enjoy life.
I'm one of those "pathetic" old people who doesn't hike or party or compulsively take classes (been there, done that) or...Yes, I'm less active than I was years ago, but I've never really wanted to do much but read and hang out at home. When I had a partner, I certainly got out more and I suppose if I were more mobile, I'd hit the park or something, but I'm pretty content to just putter around the house and even "gasp" watch TV in the evenings. I'd be offended if someone expressed pity for me. Maybe some of the old people whose lives you're lamenting are perfectly comfortable as they are.
How old is your mom, Yppej?
I'm having trouble coming up with the word I want at times, too. Thanks for the B12 tip whoever that was! 😉
She is 80. I did not ask her the name of her doctor today. I want to wait until it comes up naturally in conversation or find out from someone else.
I am concerned she could drive somewhere and not remember where she is or how to get home. It used to just be vocabulary but now she is forgetting more and more things that happened, not just the language to describe them.
This is scary to read jeppy, this is my Mom. At first she struggled with nouns like forgetting the word squirrel and calling them acorns instead. Then she couldn't even substitute a word. It progressed to forgetting how to balance a checkbook (Dad stepped in at this point and did it). She can't remember if she ate. After Dad died, we realized she forgot she had a thermostat and was turning on the oven when she was cold, or sweltering in the heat because she forgot how to turn on the AC. She never can work the TV even though we got a simplified remote with only 5 buttons. She was eating all her food cold because she forgot how to use the microwave. Meanwhile insisting she was normal (she still does) and we were making stuff up to make her look bad. I am sleeping better knowing she is in assisted living now. I started seeing signs maybe 7 or 8 years ago with the nouns, but in the last 2 years the decline has accelerated.
This is scary to read jeppy, this is my Mom. At first she struggled with nouns like forgetting the word squirrel and calling them acorns instead. Then she couldn't even substitute a word. It progressed to forgetting how to balance a checkbook (Dad stepped in at this point and did it). She can't remember if she ate. After Dad died, we realized she forgot she had a thermostat and was turning on the oven when she was cold, or sweltering in the heat because she forgot how to turn on the AC. She never can work the TV even though we got a simplified remote with only 5 buttons. She was eating all her food cold because she forgot how to use the microwave. Meanwhile insisting she was normal (she still does) and we were making stuff up to make her look bad. I am sleeping better knowing she is in assisted living now. I started seeing signs maybe 7 or 8 years ago with the nouns, but in the last 2 years the decline has accelerated.
My mom also has substitutions. When asked the name of her grandson she said the name of my ex-husband (who died in 2014) came to her mind but she knew it was not the right name and did not say it.
iris lilies
8-3-21, 10:06pm
My mom also has substitutions. When asked the name of her grandson she said the name of my ex-husband (who died in 2014) came to her mind but she knew it was not the right name and did not say it.
But names…I keep saying that is a different breed of word. Is there any mother who hasn’t run through a list of children’s names trying to get to the right one? Or the right sibling? That is pretty common the name thing.
I'm one of those "pathetic" old people who doesn't hike or party or compulsively take classes (been there, done that) or...Yes, I'm less active than I was years ago, but I've never really wanted to do much but read and hang out at home. When I had a partner, I certainly got out more and I suppose if I were more mobile, I'd hit the park or something, but I'm pretty content to just putter around the house and even "gasp" watch TV in the evenings. I'd be offended if someone expressed pity for me. Maybe some of the old people whose lives you're lamenting are perfectly comfortable as they are.
Well her lack of movement is slowly killing her so I don't feel puty for her but sadness that she is doing this to herself. She has heart issues and also had several blood clots that could have easily killed her in the past. Her lack of movement is doing nothing for her heart and only increasing her chances of getting another blood clot. It is also decreasing her ability to walk and therefore is increasing the likelihood of her falling due to her issues with walking. She lives alone and if she fell or died, no one would know for days.
I would love for my mom to putter around the house like you but she does not. She gets up and sits in a chair all day except to use the bathroom and maybe eat once or twice a day. She has been known to go without eating meals.
Sorry if you call it pity. Just hate seeing a vibrant woman turn into a cripple when even a little bit of movement would help it and improve her quality of life that even she says is not healthy nor helpful in keeping her alive.
Maybe it hurts her to move--that's not uncommon in old age. Or maybe she's suffering from depression. Whatever's going on, loved ones can check with her on a daily basis to make sure that she isn't injured and stranded alone. And/or she can carry a medical alert device or cell phone--I keep my cell at hand at all times.
Maybe it hurts her to move--that's not uncommon in old age. Or maybe she's suffering from depression. Whatever's going on, loved ones can check with her on a daily basis to make sure that she isn't injured and stranded alone. And/or she can carry a medical alert device or cell phone--I keep my cell at hand at all times.
No, it only hurts to move because she doesn't do it enough. After her last blood clot, she was ordered to go to cardiac rehab twice a week for exercise. Once Covid hit, she had to stop. Now that she can go back again, she is refusing to go. She went from walking unassisted to using a cane/walker. She isn't depressed either. Very good spirits and loves living on her own after having a husband and kids for most of her life. We do check up on her daily and my sister goes by her house weekly to take out the trash. But it's not uncommon for her to not answer phone calls or emails for a time period and be perfectly ok when we stop by. I obviously don't want to have to keep calling the Police to do welfare checks on her when we don't get an immediate response. We have tried the medical alert device and cell phone but she refuses to use either. We had a heck of a time even getting her to go to the hospital when we found out she had fallen and blacked out for several hours. Ended up with broken ribs but she swore she was fine.
I remember telling my mother she should walk more. She very kindly didn't tell me to go to hell. I was pretty cavalier about how to age well until I got there; it's easy to judge from the comfortable privilege of youth. I wish both of you well, and I'm glad she's in good spirits and living her life in her own way.
I remember telling my mother she should walk more. She very kindly didn't tell me to go to hell. I was pretty cavalier about how to age well until I got there; it's easy to judge from the comfortable privilege of youth. I wish both of you well, and I'm glad she's in good spirits and living her life in her own way.
Yep, given up on her changing. Just waiting on the call from my sister that she passed.
I just recently realized that we're all going to die. :) A quick heart attack is not the worst way; I've had two relatives just keel over. None of us lives forever.
ApatheticNoMore
8-4-21, 12:46pm
But one actually sees how it plays out, what goes around comes around, I remember my dad judging my grandfather in his old age, for not wanting to be involved in life anymore, but my grandfather was in his 90s at that point (after the death of his wife and near death himself, it turned out) and my dad then but a young whippersnapper in his early 70s (and me a young whippersnapper in my 20s). Then I saw my dad not wanting to be involved with life anymore when he was old and sick (and died before making 90).
I mean OF COURSE it's better to be physically active within reason, if one can and is not in pain (in truth it's likely better even if one is in pain, it seems there is no evidence exercise makes anything like arthritis worse on a physical level, but one understands why people don't want to be in pain). But to imagine people will age like one wishes and that it's not a lot up to chance, hmm.
I just recently realized that we're all going to die. :) A quick heart attack is not the worst way; I've had two relatives just keel over. None of us lives forever.
I agree. A quick death is what everyone wants. I tell my husband all the time that I want to wake up and realize I am dead. ;) Or just have him "Kevorkian" me and put me out of my misery.
I just recently realized that we're all going to die. :) A quick heart attack is not the worst way; I've had two relatives just keel over. None of us lives forever.
I'll take a quick heart attack over a protracted, miserable bout with Alzheimer's or just plain end-of-life-fatigue. It's nice if your will and your body are in tune with each other, but it's not often the case.
Teacher Terry
8-4-21, 2:34pm
I have chronic pain from auto accidents but moving definitely keeps me feeling better in the long run. Both daily walking and my yoga class are helpful. But I have always been a walker. Really can’t make anyone do anything.
Klunick, your mom sounds exactly like how my mom was. She would likely still be here if only she had decided to move more, take a daily walk. She had no other illnesses and it only hurt to move because of her sedentary life. It was a slow, frustrating thing to watch. She eventually died from sepsis, from a sore she developed on her butt because she never moved off of it. Yes, I do sound bitter, because I am. She had all the kind encouragement she could get from us and her doctor, to no avail.
I think of her every day as I make the decision to go walk, go to the pool or gym, because I am otherwise healthy and I want to stay active as long as I can.
Where i live, assisted suicide can be an option.
Admittedly, I'm not an eager exerciser, but I've never found that moving more does anything for me, even though I walked quite a bit in the past.
There are lots of types of dementia. I visit a message board on www.alzconnected.org (associated with the Alzheimer's Association). Lots of good information and support there.
I used to say there was a Mack truck out there with my name on its bumper - lol. Now-a-days, who knows. If I didn't have to get up and go to work, I don't know if I would sit all day or not. I like to think that I would be out doing stuff instead of sitting.
There are lots of types of dementia. I visit a message board on www.alzconnected.org (http://www.alzconnected.org) (associated with the Alzheimer's Association). Lots of good information and support there.
Thanks, Beckyliz, I need to take a look there for help with my mom's situation.
And then there are elders like my MIL whose body is totally decrepit while her mind remains clear and sharp. How she continues to thrive mentally while sitting in her assisted living room watching TV all day year after year is a mystery to me.
iris lilies
8-5-21, 12:27am
I'll take a quick heart attack over a protracted, miserable bout with Alzheimer's or just plain end-of-life-fatigue. It's nice if your will and your body are in tune with each other, but it's not often the case.
I am working toward that goal and today added cream to my otherwise very healthy homemade tomato soup with home grown tomatos.
gotta clog up those arteries.
Chicken lady
8-5-21, 6:28am
When I was a kid, we would go to my grand parent’s house and the tv would be up super loud because they couldn’t hear well.
my dad told me. “I hope that when I get to be old and can’t hear somebody will tell me if I do that.”
and then one day, I went home to visit and my dad was sitting in the den with the tv up super loud....
I said “hey dad, remember when...”
he did tell me to go to hell.
When I was a kid, we would go to my grand parent’s house and the tv would be up super loud because they couldn’t hear well.
my dad told me. “I hope that when I get to be old and can’t hear somebody will tell me if I do that.”
and then one day, I went home to visit and my dad was sitting in the den with the tv up super loud....
I said “hey dad, remember when...”
he did tell me to go to hell.
My husband is only 56 and does this. God help me when he's 76. I might have to wear ear plugs so I don't blow out my ear drum.
I am working toward that goal and today added cream to my otherwise very healthy homemade tomato soup with home grown tomatos.
gotta clog up those arteries.
Saturated fat was proved to be neutral/harmless some years ago. Have a sugary, starchy snack. :D
And then there are elders like my MIL whose body is totally decrepit while her mind remains clear and sharp. How she continues to thrive mentally while sitting in her assisted living room watching TV all day year after year is a mystery to me.
It's not a mystery to me. :D
ETA: Stephen Hawking was not known to be much of an exerciser.
rosarugosa
8-5-21, 11:05am
It's not a mystery to me. :D
ETA: Stephen Hawking was not known to be much of an exerciser.
But I doubt he spent all day watching TV. I don't know this for sure though, just a hunch.
But I doubt he spent all day watching TV. I don't know this for sure though, just a hunch.
To each his own; maybe he watched the UK equivalent of PBS. ;)
When I was a kid, we would go to my grand parent’s house and the tv would be up super loud because they couldn’t hear well.
my dad told me. “I hope that when I get to be old and can’t hear somebody will tell me if I do that.”
and then one day, I went home to visit and my dad was sitting in the den with the tv up super loud....
I said “hey dad, remember when...”
he did tell me to go to hell.
I hope in a joking kind of way. Cute!
My father, during the last few years of his life, didn’t feel like doing much beyond watching tv and going to the dining room at the assisted living twice a day. By the end he could barely hear at all and had spent at least three years commenting that he should get fitted for hearing aids. On one visit I downloaded a hearing aid app to my phone and put my earbuds in his ears. After a little fiddling we had it set such that he and I had a normal conversation, even with the tv on in the background. But even experiencing what hearing aids could do wasn’t enough to get him to make the appointment. At the time I thought to myself, ‘ok, remember this when you’re old. Don’t repeat it’. But the reality is that it’s easy for 40-something me to think that. Who knows what I will actually do when I’m in my 80’s. After all I am more and more every day turning into my father in so many ways, so I may well become an agoraphobic procrastinator in my old age like he did. On the other hand he remained a kind hearted person all the way to the bitter end, even telling the hospice volunteer who had given him a sponge bath that she had made him feel like a million bucks*. Hopefully I will be able to emulate that aspect of him as well when I’m lying on my death bed.
*it’s funny, I’d never had a clue that my father noticed women. He had been a dedicated husband until mom died and had no interest in dating after that but the last six months of his life, all spent in hospitals/rehab facilities/etc he was moderately flirty in a harmless old man way with all the lady nurses. They all thought he was charming.
MIL who turns 87 in a month just stated that she wants new dentures, new glasses and hearing aids. I guess she plans on sticking around.
A relative who is a nurse is coming to visit this weekend and she is a straight shooter. I will see if she notices/says anything about my mother's condition. I think it will be especially noticeable for someone who has not seen her in a while (since pre-covid).
iris lilies
8-6-21, 10:40am
MIL who turns 87 in a month just stated that she wants new dentures, new glasses and hearing aids. I guess she plans on sticking around.
Those plans are actually positive, .I think. It shows she wants to engage with the world.
That's great, Pinkytoe!
My mother needs hearing aids, but her guardians decided she wasn't going to get them, in keeping with her plan to keep my mom from getting much medical care.
Eff em.
Teacher Terry
8-7-21, 10:57pm
My 96 year old aunt died last night. 6 months ago she decided she couldn’t care for herself any longer even with some paid help coming to her house. She went to a facility that assured her and her daughter that she would be helped with going to the bathroom, etc. She was almost blind and both her knees were bad so could barely walk. She was self paying. They treated her like crap yelling at her when she asked for help, yelled at her for falling because they had to write up a incident report. She is one of the sweetest people with no dementia despite her age.
My cousin and my sister were in the process of trying to find another facility when she started praying every night to die. This kind of garbage is why I hope to never enter one of these places. This was a expensive place. My mom spent the last week of her life in a supposedly nice hospice facility that she picked herself and it wasn’t much better.
I am so sorry for your loss, Terry.
My dad got remarried at 87. Life does not stop at an arbitrary age.
He was totally healthy until some issues at 92 and I feel the doctors killed him with unnecessary treatment.
But being alone and having to cope with some serious issues, like loss of sight or mobility, are incredibly difficult to deal with. Many of us live longer but not much better lives.
I'm so sorry, Terry. Condolences and prayers to you and the rest of the family and friends.
Terry, that's so awful the way your aunt was "cared for" in her last days. Unconscionable. I'm so sorry for your family. Must feel terrible.
These reports of neglect are so sad for everyone to deal with.
My mom had a stroke at 67 and had to go to a facility and she was basically unconscious for the rest of her life. She did not have paperwork to prevent it so was kept alive with a feeding tube for over two years. She would get pneumonia and the doc would give her antibiotics and this went on again and again. I am cynical but I think the doc stretched out those reimbursements as long as he could. Very often when I went to see her, the staff would have their boom boxes blasting in her room while they "tended" to her. They stole everything. One would hope that things are a little better now but I bet it is impossible to find reliable help.
Teacher Terry
8-8-21, 4:08pm
That’s so sad pinky toe.
That is disgusting. Condolences to all.
My condolences, TT and pinkytoe. Finding good care for people who need it should not be such a crapshoot. It's a terrible way to go.
That's awful, pinkytoe! I'm so sorry.
My mom had a stroke at 67 and had to go to a facility and she was basically unconscious for the rest of her life. She did not have paperwork to prevent it so was kept alive with a feeding tube for over two years. She would get pneumonia and the doc would give her antibiotics and this went on again and again. I am cynical but I think the doc stretched out those reimbursements as long as he could. Very often when I went to see her, the staff would have their boom boxes blasting in her room while they "tended" to her. They stole everything. One would hope that things are a little better now but I bet it is impossible to find reliable help.
My Grandfather was also unconscious near the end however the nursing home decided it was best to not feed him even though he had a feeding tube. Worse yet was that my Grandfather was aware of what was going on even unconscious. People would talk to him and tears would roll down his cheeks so we believe that he could hear us and understand what was going on. I fear nursing homes now.
I am sorry to hear these terrible stories about nursing homes and neglectful end of life care.
I am very relieved that my mom is now in a different place than where my dad died. I visited mom yesterday and commented to my husband that I think she will probably die there, and it would be a nice place to die--I'd like to be in a similar room, as it is quite serene and clean and calming, with a comfortable bed and a view of the outdoors. It is a peaceful place; I am so glad we managed to get her moved, which took a lot of hard work because my siblings insisted she stay where she was.
She is usually asleep when we come visit now, and yesterday woke up briefly and then went back to sleep. Her color is very pale.
iris lilies
8-9-21, 8:48am
We think my mother was pretty well taken care of in her nursing home. Her main caregiver in the last couple of years of her life was a young woman from Eastern Europe. Her main transgression was to put Christmas sweaters on my mother in July (! Pretty minor!) and somehow my mom ended up wearing animal prints, I’m not sure exactly how she got that clothing. That is something my mom would NEVER wear when she had for mental facilities.
In other words, minor stuff.
My grandmother was well cared for in a nonprofit Mennonite nursing home which accepted her although she was not of that faith.
My grandfather was in a couple different homes, moved to be nearer family from the area where he originally lived, not due to care issues. So far as I am aware there were no issues with his care either.
Teacher Terry
8-9-21, 12:19pm
Klunick, that’s really sad about your grandfather. Tybee, glad your mom is in a good place.
rosarugosa
8-10-21, 7:06am
We think my mother was pretty well taken care of in her nursing home. Her main caregiver in the last couple of years of her life was a young woman from Eastern Europe. Her main transgression was to put Christmas sweaters on my mother in July (! Pretty minor!) and somehow my mom ended up wearing animal prints, I’m not sure exactly how she got that clothing. That is something my mom would NEVER wear when she had for mental facilities.
In other words, minor stuff.
My MIL was very well put-together when she was younger, but she also had a thing about colors; she only wore black, white or beige. She is the one who introduced me to Talbots! That made it all the more disconcerting when the nursing home frequently had her dressed in Disney graphic t-shirts. Where did that stuff come from, and where did the nice clothing I bought for her go? I brought her thrift store finds, but carefully selected Talbot's and similar, in her preferred non-colors.
And why can't my mother's place clean her toilet? I need to buy a toilet brush and do it every time I got, I just keep forgetting. What a weird issue to be having.
My MIL was very well put-together when she was younger, but she also had a thing about colors; she only wore black, white or beige. She is the one who introduced me to Talbots! That made it all the more disconcerting when the nursing home frequently had her dressed in Disney graphic t-shirts. Where did that stuff come from, and where did the nice clothing I bought for her go? I brought her thrift store finds, but carefully selected Talbot's and similar, in her preferred non-colors.
Your mother and I were separated at birth. I call my wardrobe palette my "Guinness" palette: black and tan. Talbots, Banana Republic and Ann Taylor are my go-to brands. So good of you to find her pieces that were "her." I think that's important in terms of maintaining her sense of self.
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