And the friend passed yesterday..... [Archive]

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gimmethesimplelife

8-4-21, 1:52pm

The friend I posted about recently that has been trainwrecking their life via active alcohol and drug addiction - passed yesterday at 529 PM at Deer Valley Honor Health. This death is hitting me very hard - this was the first real friend I ever had and likely in some ways the best friend I am ever going to have. It's frustrating as help was available for his issues - and this help worked for extended periods of time in the past. Due to this help, he was for many years able to hold down a good paying and for him interesting forestry job - he was also able to marry a wonderful women of whom i have nothing but respect, and he also had a son who has turned out to be a very respectable man.

I guess what I am trying to say is what a waste. And unnecessary. I grieve but life goes on and I have to be productive at work today as we had one supervisor just up and quit because they could not get the vacation time they wanted. Ay carumba.

I'll be OK. I just feel like an imposter lost at sea today - but I will be OK. One thing I'd like to add is that my friend was always straight - which is one reason I found this friendship so special and meaningful. The world is a slightly less kind and pleasant place with this passing as far as I am concerned. Rob

Yppej

8-4-21, 1:57pm

Sorry for your loss Rob. Relapse is so common with addictions, even after long periods of sobriety. I hope more research on the brain can help down the road in treating these conditions.

catherine

8-4-21, 2:22pm

It is a tragedy and a waste, and I'm so sorry for your loss, Rob. As the daughter of an artist-carpenter-business owner-loving father who committed slow suicide with alcohol and died young, I know your pain. My sincere condolences.

KayLR

8-4-21, 2:26pm

Ah, so sorry, Rob. It is such a shame, yes. I wonder how much the pandemic had affected his sobriety. I know several in recovery who have said not being able to meet in person in their support groups has led to loss of members. I feel for you--the loss of a friend is tough, no matter the circumstance. Take care.

Teacher Terry

8-4-21, 2:36pm

Losing a good friend is tough. Addiction is a terrible thing.

iris lilies

8-4-21, 2:38pm

Awww, that is too bad.

Last Friday I had an hour talk with a former friend, someone we hung out with regularly for a few years. Then he dropped me. And then he dropped several other people including his mother. And then he became a hermit. His level of paranoia was getting bad back then, but DH last saw him two years ago where he was reporting being controlled by people within his computer.

In my interaction with him last week he could talk about very little besides how he’s being controlled and boxed in by his upstairs and downstairs tenants as well as their compatriots in the porn industry as well as, and especially, people who control what he can see on the Internet.

His level of delusion is disturbing, it’s been going on for years now, and I can’t see that he’ll ever come out of it. He is mid-50’s in age.

frugal-one

8-4-21, 2:41pm

So sorry Rob!

jp1

8-4-21, 2:57pm

So sorry rob. I too have lost a couple of close friends to addiction and know that it’s such a heart breaking tragedy when it happens.

Jane v2.0

8-4-21, 3:00pm

I'm so sorry, Rob. It's probably a good thing you have a challenging job to distract you.

razz

8-4-21, 3:09pm

When sorrow hits like this, it has helped me to focus on what I loved about that individual. With time, the gratitude that he came into your life will wash away the sorrow.

rosarugosa

8-4-21, 5:33pm

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend, Rob.

Tybee

8-4-21, 6:00pm

I'm sorry, Rob. My personal belief is that we meet up again in the next world, and you will all be happy again, but that's not everyones belief, I know.

happystuff

8-4-21, 6:26pm

I'm so sorry, Rob. I hope you will have time from work to grieve. Hugs.

Tradd

8-4-21, 8:09pm

I’m sorry for your grief over your friend. If they don’t want help, unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do.

pinkytoe

8-4-21, 11:08pm

It is a helpless feeling to watch someone you care for trash their lives. So sorry...

nswef

8-5-21, 10:39am

Rob, I am sorry for your loss. It never goes away. You don't know how much you helped him...addiction is a curse. Take care of yourself. Grieve...

beckyliz

8-5-21, 1:19pm

I'm sorry for you loss.

Simone

8-6-21, 8:47pm

Sorry, Rob. I imagine you spent many happy hours together. Hoping you feel less lost and anchored back among us again soon.

Simplemind

8-6-21, 9:39pm

I am so sorry Rob. Addiction cost me two friends, one who I will always think of as my soul mate. It has been 10 years and I still don't know if she is dead or alive. I can't imagine how horrible it must feel when you do finally did get that news. All the years and the ability to connect with meaning is wasted. He was lucky to have you. I can't imagine your heartbreak.

SteveinMN

8-6-21, 9:43pm

My condolences, Rob. It's hard to watch a friend's addiction do them in. The helpless feeling we get doesn't make this easier.

gimmethesimplelife

8-10-21, 1:29pm

Thank You everyone, for your kind words and support. It's a week since the death today and I am starting to accept it - something that is helping is that two weeks from now when the ashes are spread in Strawberry, Arizona, up on the Mogollon Rim (pine trees and 5000 ft. plus altitude) I have been asked to speak. Not that I am so special but somehow this seems appropriate to me - it sure will helps with some closure for me personally. And thanks again, everyone! Rob

early morning

8-10-21, 11:07pm

Oh rob, just read this, so sorry for your loss.

gimmethesimplelife

8-12-21, 4:41pm

jp1

8-15-21, 12:25am

Ran across some pics this morning of our last road trip last December - Bisbee and the (sp?) Chiricuahua National Monument. What a gut punch that was. I'm glad I got called in today for a few hours (was supposed to be off).

I assume he had things under control at that time? Yeah, seeing when someone was doing ok and then looking at how they were when they weren't is awful.

My first BF was an amazing church organist. Multiple times I went to play my clarinet at whatever church he was serving at. I'll never forget the time I went and played the Weber Concertino with him (him jacked up on several cups of coffee) accompanying. We ROCKED it. It's a flashy piece of music so we jammed through it absurdly fast with him in his caffeinated state and I kept up. And it was awesome. A decade later we had long since broken up but remained friends. He became HIV+ and took meds for a while. But then stopped. And started selling and using meth. And then died after a short illness of non-hodgkins lymphoma. I'm no longer angry at whoever introduced him to meth but I will miss him for the rest of my life.

gimmethesimplelife

8-16-21, 6:07pm

I assume he had things under control at that time? Yeah, seeing when someone was doing ok and then looking at how they were when they weren't is awful.

My first BF was an amazing church organist. Multiple times I went to play my clarinet at whatever church he was serving at. I'll never forget the time I went and played the Weber Concertino with him (him jacked up on several cups of coffee) accompanying. We ROCKED it. It's a flashy piece of music so we jammed through it absurdly fast with him in his caffeinated state and I kept up. And it was awesome. A decade later we had long since broken up but remained friends. He became HIV+ and took meds for a while. But then stopped. And started selling and using meth. And then died after a short illness of non-hodgkins lymphoma. I'm no longer angry at whoever introduced him to meth but I will miss him for the rest of my life.Yes, he was clean and sober for a brief period of time late last year. His Mother died in March and then we went completely off the deep end. I will miss him the rest of my life. He was completely straight, nothing ever happened between us - which made the whole thing so much more special to me. Dealing with him was like watching an early Pedro Almodovar movie - I felt like I was dealing with someone who "got it" and I felt very much like I could be me around him without having to worry about filtering everything.

Tomorrow is two weeks since his death and his son went down to Tucson yesterday to gather his things - that's always been so creepy to me - dealing with the possessions that the dead left behind. Rob

happystuff

8-16-21, 6:45pm

Tomorrow is two weeks since his death and his son went down to Tucson yesterday to gather his things - that's always been so creepy to me - dealing with the possessions that the dead left behind. Rob

It is not an easy task - my condolences to his son.

gimmethesimplelife

9-7-21, 1:48am

Just an update. My friend's celebration of life will be held in Catalina State Park outside of Tucson, with a sweeping view of the Santa Catalina Mountains. The date is September 26th and I will be one of the people who stand and speak. I did get that day off and it's so important to me that my upcoming three days off - this Wednesday through Friday - I offered to give them up in exchange. I believe my offer was appreciated but corporate is looking to reduce OT - I have really been cashing in on the lack of staff by actually volunteering to pick up extra shifts. I want to build up my savings and invest more and here I've lucked into the chance to do so. But last I know I still have those three days off and September 26th off.

I'm hoping that I get some closure from this experience. I have a friend who I've kept in touch with that I met online here who just had a close friend die too and I was almost jealous in a way - because he got to have several conversations with his late friend before he passed. I did not get that with my friend who at the end was so far gone on drugs I seriously doubt anyone could have gotten through to him. At any rate, I will go and speak and hope for closure. At least the ashes are being spread in a place I'm sure Tim would have picked out were he given the choice. I can take some comfort in that much. Rob

ToomuchStuff

9-7-21, 2:24am

happystuff

9-7-21, 9:23am

I hope it provides you with the closure you are seeking, Rob. Good luck.

gimmethesimplelife

9-7-21, 3:13pm

I hope it provides you with the closure you are seeking, Rob. Good luck.Thank You, Happystuff. Rob

catherine

9-7-21, 7:42pm

Good luck getting closure. I hope your celebration of life, does not become what my bosses did. He was an alcoholic, and his brother always complained about his "drunken Thursday's", yet turned the celebration of life into a drunken Thursday, for all the drinking buddies.>8)
No closure for the rest.

Closure takes many different forms. We can celebrate the whole of who our loved ones are without rejecting the "bad."

Closure is honoring the conversation, the love, the friendship, in whatever form it is offered in.

gimmethesimplelife

10-7-21, 8:46pm

I am back from the Celebration of life for my deceased friend. Wow. Nothing seems as final as seeing the ashen remains of what was once an energetic and optimistic person being spread. I like where the ashes were spread - outside of Tucson in Honeybee Canyon, with montains in the distance and an Arizona Highways magazine cover look to it.

I so wish things had turned out differently. But as it is I've mostly accepted this death. Rob

Tradd

10-7-21, 9:48pm

Sound like a lovely final resting spot.

Teacher Terry

10-7-21, 9:54pm

I like your explore Catherine. Most funerals or celebrations of life that I have been to didn’t have alcohol.