View Full Version : Final Arrangements
Teacher Terry
8-19-21, 2:09pm
When I was married I had them completed as my ex was a veteran so I did all the paperwork for the veterans cemetery. Now I needed new arrangements. I want everything easy for my kids. My mom and aunt bought everything in their early 60’s so it was easy for us. My mom even wrote her own obituary and asked people to sing at her funeral and told them what to sing)). So I purchased a urn plot and picked out the inscription for my marker which includes a picture of a Maltese. It was 3k. So have you taken care of your final arrangements?
frugal-one
8-19-21, 2:42pm
The number of the local cremation society is listed in the estate binder as well as an outline for an obituary. Cost should be around $1600. They can use whatever to transport me and throw my ashes to the wind. I want no service or memorial. My FIL used to say he didn't care what they did to him when he was dead. He said they could "freeze my a$$ and pound me in the ground as a fencepost". It doesn't matter.
DH and I had discussed our final arrangements which I followed with his passing. In making those arrangements for DH, I took my two daughters to the funeral home to see what was involved; arranged and prepaid my cremation -$3500 - and suggested the disposal of ashes, (preferably under a tree somewhere or in a garden). We met with the accountant who has my financial records and my lawyer to review and update my will. We privately discussed all my assets and contact info regarding them so all is up to date. I will review my will periodically but do not anticipate any major changes.
There should be no conflict as over the years whatever one got based on a need, the other received the equal amount in full transparency. With DH's passing, I gave each a lump sum to invest and the rest is for my needs. until I am gone and then divided equally.
iris lilies
8-19-21, 3:17pm
No, not yet. I guess I haven’t done it because I think it’s so unimportant. It’s not that I’m afraid of doing it or I don’t want to think about it it’s just that to me, it’s not important. But that is not a responsible position and I need to write something down or even pay for it who knows.
It’s funny that this topic came up because I was thinking about where to post what I saw today. I saw a vehicular funeral procession that was… amazing. It was full of vehicles I’ve never seen before. Wow the funeral industry sure has changed up their limos and hearses. This hearse was white. Then there were two fancy white limousines. One had pink roses tied to the back.They all had green flashing lights. It was surreal.
My immediate uncharitable thought was the funeral business sure is benefiting from all of these Covid payouts by the government.
frugal-one
8-19-21, 3:37pm
It may not be important to you IL. But to the person who is going to have to take care of the details .. it is. Just put the info in writing of what you want .. if nothing else. It is hard on those left behind to have to make those decisions in time of grief.
I think about it now and then I tend to think that urns and stones and such are for those left behind. Since I do have a kid, I at least need to write down in my estate file that I don't want a service of any kind. Family and friends can have a BBQ instead.
iris lilies
8-19-21, 4:27pm
It may not be important to you IL. But to the person who is going to have to take care of the details .. it is. Just put the info in writing of what you want .. if nothing else. It is hard on those left behind to have to make those decisions in time of grief.
I agree, it’s just that I don’t “want” anything because I don’t care.
But I agree with you that it’s easier if those who are making final arrangements have a blueprint to follow.
So I guess I can make some generic choices and give the overall caution to “keep cost down whenever possible “and even pay for it. Then it is done.
The number of elaborate funerals has bee declining for a number of years. Columbariums to store ashes seem popular. The odd funeral stlll includes the concrete crypt and full coffin but urns with ashes interred under a monument are increasing.
We were unique in our circle with just an obituary in the local paper in winter and a small gathering to scatter the ashes in the spring at DH's favourite spot.
I bought an urn for myself and ended up using it for my dad. I bought the same one again for myself but will probably need it for Mom. I had thought we would scatter Dad's ashes, but brothers are doing nothing about it, and being difficult about arranging anything, so I am letting it go.
For myself, my husband knows what I want. I won't prepay because there's a good chance we won't live here, and it will depend on where we are.
Teacher Terry
8-19-21, 6:14pm
I didn’t need a urn because the space I have the metal urn is in the ground with the lid above ground. I didn’t prepay my cremation because I could die on vacation. So what I paid for was the space, and all the stuff that goes with it such as marker, opening and closing of the space, etc. I told the kids to have a celebration of life with food.
Simplemind
8-19-21, 6:24pm
We have arrangements in that we have had discussions with the kids and have asked their wishes and told them ours. Haven't pre-paid anything and won't because we both want direct cremation and currently it is about $600, nothing we feel needs to be paid for now. My son has been in the "biz" and I work assisting people in these situations so we all feel everybody is comfy with what to do and where to do it. We will be scattered at the lake where we camped growing up. It's were we scattered my dad. Mt. Hood makes an excellent headstone. Every time I see it (almost daily) I think of my dad.
3912
frugal-one
8-19-21, 6:46pm
I agree, it’s just that I don’t “want” anything because I don’t care.
But I agree with you that it’s easier if those who are making final arrangements have a blueprint to follow.
So I guess I can make some generic choices and give the overall caution to “keep cost down whenever possible “and even pay for it. Then it is done.
I have the same sentiments as you. The cremation society is the least expensive here. The only thing I want done is a notice in the paper (if that will still be the thing) so people at least know I am gone and there is some trackabiily if anyone in the future would care ... which I doubt.
I feel that post-death arrangements are for the survivors so I'm really not concerned with what happens to my body. My wife and I have let our daughter know that we'll happily be cremated and she can do whatever she wants with the ashes. The only firm requirement I have for my wife and/or daughter is that I not be allowed to vote Democratic after I'm gone.
happystuff
8-19-21, 7:56pm
The only firm requirement I have for my wife and/or daughter is that I not be allowed to vote Democratic after I'm gone.
Serious or not, that was funny, Alan! LOL.I hope your after-death wishes are followed.
happystuff
8-19-21, 7:57pm
Dh and I both want to be cremated. Kids know it. We both want to be scattered, but different places. LOL. Baseball field for dh, into the wind for me. No pre-payment... as of yet.
I bought an urn for myself and ended up using it for my dad. I bought the same one again for myself but will probably need it for Mom. I had thought we would scatter Dad's ashes, but brothers are doing nothing about it, and being difficult about arranging anything, so I am letting it go.
For myself, my husband knows what I want. I won't prepay because there's a good chance we won't live here, and it will depend on where we are.
In Ontario, my directions and prepay are registered province-wide but paid to a trust account held by a local funeral planner and overseen provincially. So if I move and/or die elsewhere the same access to the funds would be available to pay for the same arrangements provided by another funeral service. The original funeral home closed down and my and all other preplanned and prepaid arrangements went straight to the provincial agency who notified me. I then chose another funeral service.
The prepay benefit is that the family living and working elsewhere simply calls the funeral service who pick up the body, deliver for cremation and notify when ashes are ready for pick-up with enough death certificates for all the steps that survivors need to meet legal requirements.
Simplemind, that is a beautiful photo and perfect setting and headstone.
iris lilies
8-19-21, 8:46pm
I feel that post-death arrangements are for the survivors so I'm really not concerned with what happens to my body. My wife and I have let our daughter know that we'll happily be cremated and she can do whatever she wants with the ashes. The only firm requirement I have for my wife and/or daughter is that I not be allowed to vote Democratic after I'm gone.
haha! You’ll probably get your wish because you don’t live in St. Louis.
frugal-one
8-19-21, 8:49pm
He'll be voting republican.
iris lilies
8-20-21, 8:31am
The number of elaborate funerals has bee declining for a number of years. Columbariums to store ashes seem popular. The odd funeral stlll includes the concrete crypt and full coffin but urns with ashes interred under a monument are increasing.
We were unique in our circle with just an obituary in the local paper in winter and a small gathering to scatter the ashes in the spring at DH's favourite spot.
Elaborate funerals are still strong in the African American community.
rosarugosa
8-20-21, 10:23am
Elaborate funerals are still strong in the African American community.
Yes, I have an African American friend who lost her mother last year, and the hearse was a horse-drawn carriage! This was in the greater Boston area, so it isn't like that's a common mode of transportation.
happystuff
8-20-21, 1:10pm
Yes, I have an African American friend who lost her mother last year, and the hearse was a horse-drawn carriage! This was in the greater Boston area, so it isn't like that's a common mode of transportation.
I really don't want anything but that the friends and family who want to, are able to get together and talk and visit, etc. Your post reminds me the funerals I've read about/seen on videos of New Orleans! Now THAT actually looks like a fun way for the living to say good-bye!
iris lilies
8-20-21, 1:29pm
I really don't want anything but that the friends and family who want to, are able to get together and talk and visit, etc. Your post reminds me the funerals I've read about/seen on videos of New Orleans! Now THAT actually looks like a fun way for the living to say good-bye!
We have a strong French element in our next-door neighborhood and a New Orleans style funeral procession takes place there now and then.
My father made it very easy for us by specifying exactly what he wanted: the minimum of ritual and expense, a eulogy delivered by me and cremation and burial in his tool box.
Teacher Terry
8-20-21, 3:13pm
Ldahl, that sounds like a great send off for your dad!
iris lilies
8-20-21, 3:16pm
My father made it very easy for us by specifying exactly what he wanted: the minimum of ritual and expense, a eulogy delivered by me and cremation and burial in his tool box.
the toolbox idea is a good one.
The last funeral I attended was my FILs. Standard open casket with waxy, embalmed countenance, flowers, eulogies, hymns, followed by escorted caravan to the cemetery. He had arranged everything years before so it made it easy for his kids.
the toolbox idea is a good one.
It was an old wooden box with brass hardware that had belonged to his father. My brother had earlier restored it to like-new condition, so it wasn’t like an old dented Craftsman. The tricky part was getting the special-order burial vault the cemetery insisted on.
GeorgeParker
8-20-21, 4:08pm
I agree, it’s just that I don’t “want” anything because I don’t care.
If you really don't want or care, please donate your body to a medical school or research program. That's what I'm going to do.
https://www.joincake.com/blog/anatomical-donor/
The school will use your corpse to teach medical students by the students dissecting it and examining the joints, organs, and other parts in detail along with any cancers or other diseases. Then the school will cremate it for free and return the ashes to your family. This process takes 6-12 months.
Not only does this keep your body out of the hands of the funeral industry $$$ and avoid the temptation of your family spending a lot of money on a fancy memorial service, you'll also be doing a valuable humanitarian service, because most people never consider donating their whole body, even if they're an organ donor.
If you really don't want or care, please donate your body to a medical school or research program. That's what I'm going to do.
https://www.joincake.com/blog/anatomical-donor/
The school will use your corpse to teach medical students by the students dissecting it and examining the joints, organs, and other parts in detail along with any cancers or other diseases. Then the school will cremate it for free and return the ashes to your family. This process takes 6-12 months.
Not only does this keep your body out of the hands of the funeral industry $$$ and avoid the temptation of your family spending a lot of money on a fancy memorial service, you'll also be doing a valuable humanitarian service, because most people never consider donating their whole body, even if they're an organ donor.
Plus, I’d be in med school, which would make my mom proud.
GeorgeParker
8-20-21, 5:16pm
Oh what the heck, I might as mention my favorite Christmas song. I want this song and Dust In The Wind to be sung at whatever small private memorial service my family has for me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5RG4SwKJy_A
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5RG4SwKJy_A)
happystuff
8-20-21, 5:27pm
Quite seriously, I like that song! Not shocking, not humorous - just extremely honest. Except for the Christmas references, in my opinion, it's very Buddhist in nature.
frugal-one
8-20-21, 5:38pm
I liked it too.
GeorgeParker
8-20-21, 6:03pm
Quite seriously, I like that song! Not shocking, not humorous - just extremely honest. Except for the Christmas references, it's very Buddhist in nature.Dust In The Wind https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Vl3lydJy9s is more Buddhist imo. Dead Dead Dead is a more secular reminder to "Be here now" ;)
But that's just my opinion.
Footnote for young whippersnappers: Be Here Now is a famous philosophy book by Ram Dass. And "Dust In The Wind" is full of cliches that were popular at the time it was written, which is why it says "Same old song..." The cliches are there to remind us that we already know everything is impermanent, and most of us forget that fact while living our day-to-day life.
rosarugosa
8-20-21, 6:23pm
That was great, GP!
iris lilies
8-20-21, 6:38pm
If you really don't want or care, please donate your body to a medical school or research program. That's what I'm going to do.
https://www.joincake.com/blog/anatomical-donor/
The school will use your corpse to teach medical students by the students dissecting it and examining the joints, organs, and other parts in detail along with any cancers or other diseases. Then the school will cremate it for free and return the ashes to your family. This process takes 6-12 months.
Not only does this keep your body out of the hands of the funeral industry $$$ and avoid the temptation of your family spending a lot of money on a fancy memorial service, you'll also be doing a valuable humanitarian service, because most people never consider donating their whole body, even if they're an organ donor.
My family wouldn’t be tempted to spend money they don’t have on an elaborate funeral, So that is not a concern for me.
In the book STIFF by Mary Roach, there’s a chapter about what happens to bodies donated to medical schools. There were some pretty shocking and horrific things happening at one time (but I believe legislation has changed that.) Back in the day, medical schools sold their excess bodies to companies for various uses. One outstandingly awful role was acting as flesh and blood crash dummies in auto safety testing. Another one was testing limbs such as arms and legs in various sporting equipment. Yes, companies Put in orders for X number of legs and X number of arms. That is gruesome to contemplate.
While I don’t much mind the idea of that happening to me, the idea of DH’s Dead body participating in those fun games is not something that makes me happy.
Some medical schools get far more donations than what they can use. And then, many dead bodies are not suitable for students to work on depending on what they died of, which organs are intact, and how fat they are.
But overall sure I agree that that is one avenue for many people. Here in St. Louis we have two medical schools that take dead bodies for their anatomy programs.
I have not made plans but believe that I do have in my will that I want green burial or cremation. There is an extra plot in the family whoever wants can have but is on the other side of the country. My grandparents bought it because they thought my aunt would never marry, but she did.
My parents have not made arrangements. My mother wants to but my father does not.
My grandmother was made to set up prepaid services when she moved to assisted living. That may be the impetus for some folks.
GeorgeParker
8-20-21, 7:41pm
In the book STIFF by Mary Roach, there’s a chapter about what happens to bodies donated to medical schools. There were some pretty shocking and horrific things happening at one time (but I believe legislation has changed that.) Back in the day, medical schools sold their excess bodies to companies for various uses. One outstandingly awful role was acting as flesh and blood crash dummies in auto safety testing. Another one was testing limbs such as arms and legs in various sporting equipment. Yes, companies Put in orders for X number of legs and X number of arms. That is gruesome to contemplate.More gruesome than being sliced and diced into your component parts so medical students can examine your abnormalities and cellular structure?
What Roach says is apparently true, and might still be happening, but at least those crash test cadavers were serving a useful purpose. And at least they weren't transformed into Soylent Green.
I'm pragmatic enough to be ok with that, as long as the person the body belonged to is ok with it.
iris lilies
8-20-21, 8:04pm
More gruesome than being sliced and diced into your component parts so medical students can examine your abnormalities and cellular structure?
What Roach says is apparently true, and might still be happening, but at least those crash test cadavers were serving a useful purpose. And at least they weren't transformed into Soylent Green.
I'm pragmatic enough to be ok with that, as long as the person the body belonged to is ok with it.
yeah, I think it’s the violence aspect of being a crash dummy or a limb smashing sports gear tester that bugs me. Lying sedately on a stationary table for months at a time while the same students bend over me and pick me apart, slicing and dicing, is not as gruesome to me anyway.
Dust In The Wind https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Vl3lydJy9s is more Buddhist imo. Dead Dead Dead is a more secular reminder to "Be here now" ;)
But that's just my opinion.
Footnote for young whippersnappers: Be Here Now is a famous philosophy book by Ram Dass. .
I love Ram Dass. And the same sentiment of "Be Here Now" inspired my avatar, "This is it" by Thich Nhat Hanh. In other words, what else are you looking for other than this moment. This is it.
Regarding my final arrangements, I haven't set down anything formal, but I would like to be cremated and then have a tree planted over my ashes.
yeah, I think it’s the violence aspect of being a crash dummy or a limb smashing sports gear tester that bugs me. Lying sedately on a stationary table for months at a time while the same students bend over me and pick me apart, slicing and dicing, is an as gruesome to me anyway.
Not to mention what happens at the Dental schools.
More gruesome than being sliced and diced into your component parts so medical students can examine your abnormalities and cellular structure?
What Roach says is apparently true, and might still be happening, but at least those crash test cadavers were serving a useful purpose. And at least they weren't transformed into Soylent Green.
I'm pragmatic enough to be ok with that, as long as the person the body belonged to is ok with it.
I went out to the lean-to to get some wood last year and there was the remnant of a snake molting stuck to the back of the shed. That's how I see my body once I'm gone. If I were to go the route that GeorgeParker suggests, I don't care if Im a crash dummy or selection of organs to probe. Or organic waste for someone's compost heap. It might be weird to wind up on my own compost heap, however.
My dad used to talk about medical school cadaver jokes. The only one I distinctly remember was about putting a penny in the slot.
Saw a car on my walk just now advertising Water Cremations - that's a new one for me.
iris lilies
8-20-21, 11:39pm
My dad used to talk about medical school cadaver jokes. The only one I distinctly remember was about putting a penny in the slot.
Saw a car on my walk just now advertising Water Cremations - that's a new one for me.
my dad had a photo of his anatomy class cadaver holding a can of beer.
They are more respectful these days. My dad was embarrassed by it tho by the time his kids saw it.
GeorgeParker
8-21-21, 12:00am
Saw a car on my walk just now advertising Water Cremations - that's a new one for me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTD0GltXB50 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTD0GltXB50)
GeorgeParker
8-21-21, 12:20am
Or organic waste for someone's compost heap. It might be weird to wind up on my own compost heap, however.It is now legal to have your body composted, without cremation, in three states.
"a corpse is placed in a cylinder with organic materials, like wood chips, plants, and straw, then heated and turned repeatedly for several weeks with a hook until it’s broken down into a nutrient-rich soil that can be delivered back to the family or used for planting." https://www.vice.com/en/article/z3xz3j/oregon-has-legalized-human-composting
(http://www.vice.com/en/article/z3xz3j/oregon-has-legalized-human-composting)
Simplemind
8-21-21, 12:41am
My son used to work for a company which deals with body donations for medical purposes. It is an option suggested to families where a sudden, unplanned death has occurred and they have little to no money for cremation. There are surgical suites on-site and students come in and practice surgeries. What they do and how they do it is rather fascinating. He was always bothered by the amount of money that is exchanged. These families get a free cremation but on the flip side big money is exchanging hands. Oh boy, does he have some stories...
He was at a family picnic and got paged to go make a pick up. He laughingly said to his uncle that he had to leave to go pick up a box of squids. His uncle shouldn't have asked but did. They often take all the long bones out of the legs and arms and sew them up loosely. So using your imagination think of tentacles. They roll them up and put them in boxes to be picked up and cremated. I thought his uncle was going to faint.
GeorgeParker
8-21-21, 1:37am
I love Ram Dass. And the same sentiment of "Be Here Now" inspired my avatar, "This is it" by Thich Nhat Hanh. In other words, what else are you looking for other than this moment. This is it.A related saying that has been around for a long time is "Wherever you go, there you are." In 1994 the popular book “Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life” by Jon Kabat-Zinn explains it this way:
Guess what? When it comes right down to it, wherever you go, there you are. Whatever you wind up doing, that’s what you’ve wound up doing. Whatever you are thinking right now, that’s what’s on your mind. Whatever has happened to you, it has already happened. The important question is, how are you going to handle it? In other words, “Now what?”
Like it or not, this moment is all we really have to work with. Yet we all too easily conduct our lives as if forgetting momentarily that we are here, where we are, and that we are in what we are already in. At every moment we find ourselves at the crossroads of here and now. But when the cloud of forgetfulness over where we are now sets in, in that very moment we get lost. "Now what?" becomes a real problem.
By lost, I mean that we momentarily lose touch with ourselves and with the full extent of our possibilities. Instead we fall into a robotlike way of seeing and thinking and doing.
Wherever You Go, There You Are is a very good, non-religious introduction to mindfulness meditation and the concept of being here now.
Wow, will not be donating anybody's body to "medical science" which always sounded to noble, until I read this thread.
iris lilies
8-21-21, 8:45am
Not to mention what happens at the Dental schools.
I suppose they need only heads for their dissection.
I suppose they need only heads for their dissection.
Nope. In the field of dentistry including dental hygiene, we dissected different parts of the whole body during the anatomy, physiology, histology research. The formaldehyde odour is hard to deal with. That may have changed over the years.
I was shocked, when Dad died, at how I felt about his body, and how it was handled. A subject that I felt one way about in the abstract, I felt very different when faced with the actual loss of a loved one.
I was enraged when it took 10 days of his body lying there in the funeral home before my brother would agree to pay to have him cremated, even though he had 5 times that amount that Dad had left him in a joint account. I'm still enraged when I think about it.
We do have deep instincts about desecration of bodies.
I was shocked, when Dad died, at how I felt about his body, and how it was handled. A subject that I felt one way about in the abstract, I felt very different when faced with the actual loss of a loved one.
I was enraged when it took 10 days of his body lying there in the funeral home before my brother would agree to pay to have him cremated, even though he had 5 times that amount that Dad had left him in a joint account. I'm still enraged when I think about it.
We do have deep instincts about desecration of bodies.
Another good reason for prepay arrangements that I had not considered if it can be arranged.
Another good reason for prepay arrangements that I had not considered if it can be arranged.
Since I don't know where we will be living, I have decided that each of us needs to save up cash and earmark it for cremation, and then when the time comes, we will have it on hand, along with our urns. DH just saw my urn and ordered his own; he liked the idea. So now we just each have to toss in 20 dollars a month into an envelope and we will be set!
iris lilies
8-21-21, 10:25am
Since I don't know where we will be living, I have decided that each of us needs to save up cash and earmark it for cremation, and then when the time comes, we will have it on hand, along with our urns. DH just saw my urn and ordered his own; he liked the idea. So now we just each have to toss in 20 dollars a month into an envelope and we will be set!
But you can go into a local funeral home, pay for whatever arrangements you want, and then that contract will be honored by cooperating funeral homes across the country.
My mother in law died in Florida. Her local Iowa funeral home made all arrangements for transportation of her body and attendant costs. DH’ s family didn’t have to contract with a Florida operation to do some things while paying Iowa for others. The Iowa outfit even worked out the arrangements for transporting her ashes to Switzerland. DH carried her urn, but there are paperwork and regulations for that sort of thing.
But once you get a funeral home involved in something as simple as a cremation, you add hundreds (?thousands?) of dollars to a service that costs around $700 here in St. louis.
While I am not worried about my estate having enough money to pay for any final arrangements, it does seem, in the end, prudent for me to make a plan, ANY plan, for the ease of those left behind, pay for it, and assume whatever funeral home in my locale of death will make that contract work.
But you can go into a local funeral home, pay for whatever arrangements you want, and then that contract will be honored by cooperating funeral homes across the country.
My mother in law died in Florida. Her local Iowa funeral home made all arrangements for transportation of her body and attendant costs. DH’ s family didn’t have to contract with a Florida operation to do some things while paying Iowa for others. The Iowa outfit even worked out the arrangements for transporting her ashes to Switzerland. DH carried her urn, but there are paperwork and regulations for that sort of thing.
Maybe. I have not found the Portland funeral people to be at all trustworthy, so I don't know. Maybe a fh in Savannah that I know personally.
iris lilies
8-21-21, 11:19am
I was shocked, when Dad died, at how I felt about his body, and how it was handled. A subject that I felt one way about in the abstract, I felt very different when faced with the actual loss of a loved one.
I can see that. When the abstract becomes real, that changes perspective.
I was enraged when it took 10 days of his body lying there in the funeral home… .
A main issue to come out of the Michael Brown shooting in Ferguson Missouri was the fact of his body laying on the pavement for hours while a thorough investigation was conducted of the circumstances of his shooting. That drove much of the hysteria surrounding his death, the seeming disregard for him.
It was a good example of emotional response versus rational thinking and never the twain shall meet. All of the careful explanations of why police had to be meticulous in documenting every tiny thing on that crime scene made no impact on those who simply saw collection of crime objects and data irrelevant.
Teacher Terry
8-21-21, 11:50am
My kids will do direct cremation and save a bundle for my body. A funeral home charges 3xs what a crematory does. Plus I could die out of the country on vacation and then prepayment is wasted. The Neptune Society will take care of it anywhere in the world but charges 3k.
If I had been willing to haul DH's body from the hospital to the crematorium using his 1/2 ton truck and making all the arrangements myself, it would have been cheaper. I chose to pay to have this done with the ashes delivered along with all the essential agencies notified, death notice in paper and ample death certificates that I needed.
catherine
8-21-21, 12:30pm
A related saying that has been around for a long time is "Wherever you go, there you are." In 1994 the popular book “Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life” by Jon Kabat-Zinn explains it this way:
Guess what? When it comes right down to it, wherever you go, there you are. Whatever you wind up doing, that’s what you’ve wound up doing. Whatever you are thinking right now, that’s what’s on your mind. Whatever has happened to you, it has already happened. The important question is, how are you going to handle it? In other words, “Now what?”
Like it or not, this moment is all we really have to work with. Yet we all too easily conduct our lives as if forgetting momentarily that we are here, where we are, and that we are in what we are already in. At every moment we find ourselves at the crossroads of here and now. But when the cloud of forgetfulness over where we are now sets in, in that very moment we get lost. "Now what?" becomes a real problem.
By lost, I mean that we momentarily lose touch with ourselves and with the full extent of our possibilities. Instead we fall into a robotlike way of seeing and thinking and doing.
Wherever You Go, There You Are is a very good, non-religious introduction to mindfulness meditation and the concept of being here now.
Yup. I've read that book, too. My favorite is Thich Nhat Hanh, though. Miracle of Mindfulness, Peace is Every Step, You are Here, etc.
iris lilies
8-21-21, 12:36pm
If I had been willing to haul DH's body from the hospital to the crematorium using his 1/2 ton truck and making all the arrangements myself, it would have been cheaper. I chose to pay to have this done with the ashes delivered along with all the essential agencies notified, death notice in paper and ample death certificates that I needed.
This was a good choice tho.At times like that having someone take care of details is a relief.
I will say that some years ago when I called our local crematorium which is half a mile from my house, they quoted me some cost well below $800 and I asked if that included transport of the body from the hospital to their premises, and they said “yes. “
Teacher Terry
8-21-21, 1:58pm
Yes crematories provide transportation of the body. 5 years ago when my friend was dying it was 500.
frugal-one
8-21-21, 2:18pm
Here there is a cremation society. I would imagine all states have them. The cost includes everything except a fancy urn but does include an interim one.
I wondered what documents would be needed if you died in a different state. So I called the cremation society here and was told none are needed. Since we are planning on being gone a number of months this year it is nice to know there would be no problems just being cremated in that state.
iris lilies
8-21-21, 3:12pm
My son used to work for a company which deals with body donations for medical purposes. It is an option suggested to families where a sudden, unplanned death has occurred and they have little to no money for cremation. There are surgical suites on-site and students come in and practice surgeries. What they do and how they do it is rather fascinating. He was always bothered by the amount of money that is exchanged. These families get a free cremation but on the flip side big money is exchanging hands. Oh boy, does he have some stories...
He was at a family picnic and got paged to go make a pick up. He laughingly said to his uncle that he had to leave to go pick up a box of squids. His uncle shouldn't have asked but did. They often take all the long bones out of the legs and arms and sew them up loosely. So using your imagination think of tentacles. They roll them up and put them in boxes to be picked up and cremated. I thought his uncle was going to faint.
yikes!
I guess we all have to remember back in the days of grave robbing in the 1800s when medical schools were desperate for bodies to practice on. Grave robbers were paid good money.
GeorgeParker
8-21-21, 3:53pm
A good movie related to this topic is Departures.
An out of work musician applies for a job dealing with "departures" thinking it's a clerical job, but it turns out the job is performing the traditional Japanese ceremony of preparing a corpse for burial and placing it in a coffin, usually while the family looks on. (basically a funeral ceremony, but with no embalming) This is a drama but not overly dramatic if you know what I mean. It's a good and very satisfying movie that I've kept in my personal DVD collection.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXTP_wRSHQw
Simplemind
8-21-21, 4:59pm
I love that movie GeorgeParker. One of my all time favorites.
Simplemind
8-21-21, 5:15pm
I understand how you feel Tybee. I've mentioned it here before but I am still so deeply touched that my son (in his young 20's) got permission, went and picked up my dad, took him to the mortuary and dressed him in his finest. He and I then had the place to ourselves and we put all his favorite things with him (down to his favorite meal from his favorite restaurant in a box signed by all his favorite servers) and cremated him ourselves. Not for everyone (my siblings didn't attend) but it was a huge gift to me. It felt serene and perfect, the first time I felt calm and settled about his passing. I know my dad would have absolutely loved it. We toasted him with his favorite scotch and sent that with him too. When it was completed we spread his ashes at Lost Lake where we always camped and fished.
iris lilies
8-21-21, 5:47pm
I understand how you feel Tybee. I've mentioned it here before but I am still so deeply touched that my son (in his young 20's) got permission, went and picked up my dad, took him to the mortuary and dressed him in his finest. He and I then had the place to ourselves and we put all his favorite things with him (down to his favorite meal from his favorite restaurant in a box signed by all his favorite servers) and cremated him ourselves. Not for everyone (my siblings didn't attend) but it was a huge gift to me. It felt serene and perfect, the first time I felt calm and settled about his passing. I know my dad would have absolutely loved it. We toasted him with his favorite scotch and sent that with him too. When it was completed we spread his ashes at Lost Lake where we always camped and fished.
that is SUPER DOOPER great!
In Korea the family watches the cremation. One of my friends was engaged briefly to a Korean man and his mother died.
She went with his family to the cremation event which was on a stage and at a particular time. The family shuffled in to watch the cremation. It took place. And then they left. Not sure if they took ashes.
happystuff
8-21-21, 6:46pm
I know some Buddhist Koreans that will have the ashes interned in a temple for a set period of time (or forever) and at the end of the set time, there is a ceremony where the ashes are released.
My son was not cremated in Korea, but 1/2 of his ashes were interned for a while at a Buddhist monastery in his birth city.
<removed a bunch of very personal stuff>
We were able - with the help of some WONDERFUL friends - to spread some of his ashes in his birth country. The other 1/2 has been spread here in the U.S. - I just have a little bit left to release.
iris lilies
8-22-21, 9:49am
I understand how you feel Tybee. I've mentioned it here before but I am still so deeply touched that my son (in his young 20's) got permission, went and picked up my dad, took him to the mortuary and dressed him in his finest. He and I then had the place to ourselves and we put all his favorite things with him (down to his favorite meal from his favorite restaurant in a box signed by all his favorite servers) and cremated him ourselves. Not for everyone (my siblings didn't attend) but it was a huge gift to me. It felt serene and perfect, the first time I felt calm and settled about his passing. I know my dad would have absolutely loved it. We toasted him with his favorite scotch and sent that with him too. When it was completed we spread his ashes at Lost Lake where we always camped and fished.
The more I think about it, the more I think this is the perfect sendoff. This is the perfect sendoff story, I’ve not heard a better one. I will now file this away in my head as a perfect ending story.
I also have run into a perfect wedding set up that someone at my workplace did about 15 years ago.
When I live my lives again I will do these things.
I understand how you feel Tybee. I've mentioned it here before but I am still so deeply touched that my son (in his young 20's) got permission, went and picked up my dad, took him to the mortuary and dressed him in his finest. He and I then had the place to ourselves and we put all his favorite things with him (down to his favorite meal from his favorite restaurant in a box signed by all his favorite servers) and cremated him ourselves. Not for everyone (my siblings didn't attend) but it was a huge gift to me. It felt serene and perfect, the first time I felt calm and settled about his passing. I know my dad would have absolutely loved it. We toasted him with his favorite scotch and sent that with him too. When it was completed we spread his ashes at Lost Lake where we always camped and fished.
That is a beautiful story, Simplemind. The day Dad died I brought down some love letters he had written my mom and gave them to the mortuary guy, along with a flannel shirt he liked and his Semper Fi Marine hat and a pair of khakis and underwear. That is how he went out, with the letters in his pocket.
happystuff, that sounds like you were able to get some degree of closure, and I know what you mean about releasing of the ashes--we have been talking about this between ourselves and re my dad and grandparents. But brother took grandparents, so God know what will happen to them, and I mean that literally.
iris lilies
8-22-21, 11:20pm
https://ibb.co/rvG4s1Z
Don’t click on this link if you are easily upset by the thought of children dying. But I show you this as a new style casket, custom-made for children. Five kids died in a fire in East St. Louis recently. Their caskets are a sight to see.
Simplemind
8-22-21, 11:27pm
IL there is a show on Netflix called the Casketeers about a New Zealand family run mortuary. Very interesting customs there and in one of the shows it has some wild casket wraps like the ones you showed. I swear, if you can dream it somebody can help you do it. Lotsa money in that market. Some of the people least able to afford it put out the most money.
iris lilies
8-22-21, 11:51pm
IL there is a show on Netflix called the Casketeers about a New Zealand family run mortuary. Very interesting customs there and in one of the shows it has some wild casket wraps like the ones you showed. I swear, if you can dream it somebody can help you do it. Lotsa money in that market. Some of the people least able to afford it put out the most money.
Yeah, East St. Louis is about the poorest ZIP Code in my immediate area. I Imagine they had lots of donations for the funeral though.
catherine
8-24-21, 12:49pm
https://ibb.co/rvG4s1Z
Don’t click on this link if you are easily upset by the thought of children dying. But I show you this as a new style casket, custom-made for children. Five kids died in a fire in East St. Louis recently. Their caskets are a sight to see.
What a tragedy. If I were their parents I'd want their images to be etched on a headstone above ground, but I think the caskets are beautiful, if caskets can be beautiful.
iris lilies
8-24-21, 1:30pm
What a tragedy. If I were their parents I'd want their images to be etched on a headstone above ground, but I think the caskets are beautiful, if caskets can be beautiful.
I think they are gawdy, but not entirely un-beautiful. They are a new style, that’s for sure.
rosarugosa
8-24-21, 3:37pm
I think they are cheesy looking.
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