View Full Version : DD discouraging a Fall visit
Due to DH's no vaccine status...which I understand since she has two little kids in and out of daycare and often sick. I guess it is more important to DH than ever seeing his family again. We are going through the same conundrum now with a potential visit to my siblings. Do I tell them? I can't lie so...Going by myself is of course an option but really awkward at this point trying to explain my once intelligent spouse's position on all this. It is looking more and more like we will just stay simple-living hermits until/ if this is ever over.
Due to DH's no vaccine status...which I understand since she has two little kids in and out of daycare and often sick. I guess it is more important to DH than ever seeing his family again. We are going through the same conundrum now with a potential visit to my siblings. Do I tell them? I can't lie so...Going by myself is of course an option but really awkward at this point trying to explain my once intelligent spouse's position on all this. It is looking more and more like we will just stay simple-living hermits until/ if this is ever over.
I'm not sure your situation. Are you retired? Still working? If not working, would the two of you stocking up on food and staying home for two weeks as a pre-visit quarantine put everyone's mind at ease? How far away are they? Could you travel without having to stop for bathroom breaks along the way, or would you be willing to go in the woods rather than around people if nature calls?
My suggestions are probably extreme for many, but I am trying to think outside the box.
ApatheticNoMore
9-1-21, 2:17pm
I don't see how staying home two weeks will help if the concern is infecting DH rather than the kids (as makes sense in terms of risk although neither are vaccinated).
iris lilies
9-1-21, 2:35pm
Pinkytoe, I can speak practically to parts of your dilemma but other parts I can only theorize about.
As you know my DH is not vaccinated but I don’t dwell on it. I poke him now and then about it and we have some, err, lively discussions. On the scale of emotions I’m only a little bit embarrassed, and a little bit worried. Mainly I go about my business not upset because that is my mental outlook in general in life.
In the end he is his own person and he can make his own decisions.I’m sure some people “judge “me for his unvaccinated status, but that’s OK, they get to do that. Such is life.
I am taking literally what you say “I guess it [remaining unvaccinated] is more important to DH than ever seeing his family again.”
Yes, that is his position. He gets to make his own decisions about his health.
For heaven sake‘s go see your grandchildren and your other family members and leave your DH at home. It’s not that big a deal whether he goes or not.
I admire the way your daughter draws a line in the sand to protect the health of her girls. I would be very proud of her if I were you. I will just mention that a few years ago you were expressing quite a lot of reservation about getting a vaccine ( not covid) to be around the newborn baby granddaughters. You had your own science-based ideas about it. Your a DH believes he has his own science-based ideas.I think his ideas are less valid, but since we see vaccinated people getting Covid, that is not a sure path to protect grandchildren.
I am with IL on this one. Go and visit your granddaughters, and your husband may have time to reflect on whether this is what he wants, and maybe he will decide to get vaccinated.
Give him props for being honest, not lying and saying he is vaccinated and buying a fake vaccine card on the internet.
GeorgeParker
9-1-21, 2:51pm
I am with IL on this one. Go and visit your granddaughters, and your husband may have time to reflect on whether this is what he wants, and maybe he will decide to get vaccinated.I'm with IL and Tybee on this one. If DH refuses to get vaccinated and his daughter refuses to let him visit because her children can't get vaccinated, you should go visit your grandkids by yourself. Your DH made a choice and refuses to change his mind, so let him suffer the logical consequences.
Go visit your grandchildren and family members as others have mentioned. Your DH has made his choice. You need to make your choice as you are free to do.
The first time that you leave him to follow his decision is hard, as I know from similar scenarios with my late DH, but you are free and owe no explanation to anyone beyond stating that you are respecting his freedom to make his choice and respecting your freedom to visit family with the protection of the vaccine. Keep it simple!!!!
You are complying with your values in having ongoing contact with your family members as your DH is his by his choice to prioritize his preference to avoid the vaccines.
Teacher Terry
9-1-21, 4:41pm
Go visit your daughter and grandchildren. Your husband made his decision.
I'm with everyone else - go see your grandchildren!
I will definitely go by myself if it makes DD's family feel better about the Covid aspect. I haven't traveled alone in eons but its a good opportunity to try. I HATE this never-ending Covid nightmare...
iris lilies
9-1-21, 5:52pm
I will definitely go by myself if it makes DD's family feel better about the Covid aspect. I haven't traveled alone in eons but its a good opportunity to try. I HATE this never-ending Covid nightmare...
I’m sure you’ve read that I’ve poked my DH with the prospect of me flying to Europe without him because he can’t get on a plane and go to Europe because he’s not vaccinated. I am serious, I would get a plane and go to Prague for a week happily without him.
I am thinking about divorce now. I can't deal with this anymore...there is something wrong with this man.
I am thinking about divorce now. I can't deal with this anymore...there is something wrong with this man.
I'm sorry to hear this. I agree there is something pretty wrong if he prioritizes not getting the vaccine over seeing close family. Most people want to see their grandchildren.
ApatheticNoMore
9-2-21, 8:56pm
:( I'm sorry pinkytoe. Every time I read these threads, I'm like thank heavens my partner is not part of that nonsense (well they aren't on the right politically to begin with, so there is that)
I guess I hope it doesn't come to that, although only you can decide what is right for you. I often wonder, do you share things you like to do with your partner, or it all just (frankly crazy IMO :)) politics? (that obviously you don't agree on).
If you don't divorce obviously family visits with your husband will be limited for a long time (until covid dies down on it's own I guess, if it does, I mean that could happen at some point, it's not inevitable it's here forever). But you can just see family yourself, unless you too are trying to isolate to protect your husband, which is wow a heavy burden indeed. Yea I did a lot of limiting contact *before* vaccines, to protect others as much as self but that was then.
Pinkytoe, may I suggest a counselling session or sessions first? You both are going in different directions from the longterm past in your thinking at present. The counselling session/s will ease the way ahead and prevent or reduce regret, sorrow, grief etc.
https://www.therapytribe.com/therapy/divorce-counseling-advice-support/
than ever seeing his family again.
It hopefully will not be forever (though some public health fanatics would like to keep us under their draconian rules forever - a Board of Health nurse told me today masks are great because they stop the flu and common cold and even though none of the covid cases in my city are serious enough to warrant hospitalization any day a child stays home from school sick is serious, attendance should be perfect).
Anyway, I digress but hopefully we do get back to normal. There is a term called "catastrophizing" that may apply here. Try to live one day at a time and don't worry about ever again down the road.
GeorgeParker
9-3-21, 12:28am
Pinkytoe, may I suggest a counseling session or sessions first? You both are going in different directions from the longterm past in your thinking at present. The counseling session/s will ease the way ahead and prevent or reduce regret, sorrow, grief etc. https://www.therapytribe.com/therapy/divorce-counseling-advice-support/I agree with Razz.
My ex-wife and I have been happily divorced for 25 years. That's four years longer than we were married. The key is we were never mad at each other. We just got to a point where we had become very different people from who we were when we got married, and we both recognized that we would be better off if we became good friends who aren't married instead of good friends who are married. IOW we both needed to pursue the things that were most important to us in life, and we loved each other enough that we wanted to give each other that freedom.
Maybe a few counseling sessions will get you two headed in the same direction again. Or maybe counseling will just smooth out your feelings about each other enough so that you can separate peacefully and stay friends. Either way, if DH agrees to counseling you'll probably be better off than if you just put "I Will Survive" on constant replay and called a lawyer.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZ-SwJjkSyw
Teacher Terry
9-3-21, 1:19am
I agree with others that counseling can be very helpful. I dragged my second husband to therapy and eventually lived with my situation until my kids were grown. The last year we were together I went to therapy by myself to get the strength to leave. Once I left I was relieved and not sad. With this last marriage I was committed to making it work. The cheating again was the last straw plus the cheating occurred when Covid was raging and he put my life at risk. I didn’t bother with therapy since this is the third time at this particular rodeo.
But I did need to figure out finances and how that would affect my life. Once I left I realized that I had been putting up with a lot of crap and I was happier without him. Marriage can be a slippery slope where one person gradually changes for the worse. It’s like putting a frog in a cold pot of water and turning on the heat so it slowly cooks to death without realizing it. Wishing you all the best in whatever you decide.
I agree with the counseling, but think it will work only if you both are honest! Not saying either one of you wouldn't be, but I have known some folks who did. Anyway, at least it might help you figure out what is best for you! Good luck and I'm sorry this is happening to you.
DH has agreed to get one Pfizer shot and only one. It's better than nothing I guess...
DH has agreed to get one Pfizer shot and only one. It's better than nothing I guess...
Will that satisfy your DD enough for him to be welcome to visit?
DH has agreed to get one Pfizer shot and only one. It's better than nothing I guess...
Would it make more sense to get one of the JNJ? I think it works differently, and there is only one.
DH has agreed to get one Pfizer shot and only one. It's better than nothing I guess...
Sorta like a condom with a hole poked in it still has some utility, I suppose.
Would it make more sense to get one of the JNJ? I think it works differently, and there is only one.
They are different types of vaccines, yes. I'd be interested in DH's thought processes on getting only one of a two part vaccine but I would never ask about it because I just can't go there on this issue. DSiL has opted out of getting any vaccine to the point that DD has given up on the subject (at least AFAWK). It's just perplexing for reasons I will not get into because it just kind of outs him on a public forum and that's not fair.
Anyway, I also vote for counseling. As the marriage counselor for my first wife and I told us, the purpose of getting counseling is to figure out if you can stay married and give you some tools for addressing that. XW thought the goal of counseling was to stay married and was quite disappointed to find out that was not the case. I think couples need to try. You may stay married; you may not. It may be that individual counseling for either or both partners will be recommended for issues uncovered during marriage counseling. I did see a counselor after the separation/divorce to work on things related to my part of the relationship and that was quite helpful.
I can see a person not wanting the second shot because that's the one that makes you sick though in my opinion the side effects are not that severe. Another reason would be vaccine equity and wanting everyone worldwide to have at least some protection before you get full protection.
J&J is still under emergency use authorization so he may not want it for that reason.
iris lilies
9-4-21, 7:39am
Will that satisfy your DD enough for him to be welcome to visit?
I also wonder why DH can’t visit his grandchildren outdoors when down South. That’s a mild climate. A fall visit will still have lots of opportunity for outdoor interactions. That’s mostly what my own unvaccinated DH does, socialize outside. It’s really not a big adjustment.
But I suppose with little kids there isn't a way to keep them from jumping on grandpa’s lap and getting all up in his face.
With severe Covid Restrictions taking place again it doesn’t much matter whether people are vaccinated or unvaccinated here anyway, outdoor events are preferred.
OP, you have mentioned that your DH wants to move back to Texas. It seems that he is making some accommodation for you and your life interests by staying in your current state if not an accommodation in the realm of vaccines.
It would make much more sense for him to get full coverage with the J & J, which has no mRNA component, if that's a consideration.
ApatheticNoMore
9-4-21, 1:23pm
It would make much more sense for him to get full coverage with the J & J, which has no mRNA component, if that's a consideration.
yes, especially as we know that one dose of mRNA isn't holding up well against Delta.
Boy is this frustrating...DH has decided to get the J & J and we can't find one anywhere within a 50 mile radius. Many of the various vaccine locator websites are now incorrect or out-of date so even if they say J & J available, when you call they say they only have Pfizer or Moderna.
Boy is this frustrating...DH has decided to get the J & J and we can't find one anywhere within a 50 mile radius. Many of the various vaccine locator websites are now incorrect or out-of date so even if they say J & J available, when you call they say they only have Pfizer or Moderna.
How frustrating! Has he tried contacting a clinic or doctor's office? Maybe they could special order.
iris lilies
9-7-21, 8:44am
Oh no! So,close, yet so far! I hope you find a J and J shot.
Does this help? It lists the types of vaccines and Jannssen seems to be Johnson and Johnson, according to the site. And what great news!
https://covid19.colorado.gov/vaccine/where-you-can-get-vaccinated
Unfortunately, the Colorado.gov list is not updated either. We called all the grocery and drug stores listed with Janssen and they no longer carry it. It is very odd to me that this vaccine has just disappeared and that all the websites have bad info including vaccinefinder.org. We are trying one pop-up clinic this morning since the website said they had it. Ironically, it is at the local homeless shelter. We shall see.
I am praying you find one for him--it's wonderful that he has agreed to be vaccinated.
happystuff
9-7-21, 10:01am
I hope he can find one! Good luck!
Does this help? It lists the types of vaccines and Jannssen seems to be Johnson and Johnson, according to the site. And what great news!
https://covid19.colorado.gov/vaccine/where-you-can-get-vaccinated
Yes, Janssen and J&J are one and the same
The deed is done so we can put the issue to bed for a while and we have agreed not to discuss the matter further. Now what shall we so do with a $100 Walmart gift card?
iris lilies
9-7-21, 4:43pm
The deed is done so we can put the issue to bed for a while and we have agreed not to discuss the matter further. Now what shall we so do with a $100 Walmart gift card?
good for you guys!!!
The deed is done so we can put the issue to bed for a while and we have agreed not to discuss the matter further. Now what shall we so do with a $100 Walmart gift card?
Good show!
The deed is done so we can put the issue to bed for a while and we have agreed not to discuss the matter further. Now what shall we so do with a $100 Walmart gift card?
Excellent.
Groceries. Pet supplies.
Teacher Terry
9-7-21, 6:30pm
Awesome!!
All's well that ends well.
happystuff
9-8-21, 12:31pm
Excellent. Congrats all around.
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