View Full Version : Birthdays
Well, today is mine. And I'm just. not. feeling. it.
I've never really enjoyed my birthday as much as it feels like I'm supposed to. When I was a single person (off and on in my adult life) I enjoyed taking the day off from work and just doing something that pleased me like going for a hike or someplace I had always wanted to visit locally, but never had. Just the day to myself. I like my own company. My daughters have never made a big deal about my birthday because I always played it down. But now, as an older adult, my birthday brings dread and mild depression. It's not the aging factor; I struggle with being in the spotlight. Like I'm supposed to pretend to feel so special today of all days.
Today has been totally planned out for me. Instead of being delighted, I'm dreading it. Two chatty friends are having me over for lunch and I predict I will be exhausted by the end of it. One of them told me to plan 4 hours! Then my husband wants to take me out to dinner. Then tomorrow my sister wants to take me to breakfast because today is full.
I already (now that I'm retired) spend most of my days doing as I please. Why am I dreading my birthday so much? Why does there have to be such a big deal over birthdays? Does anyone else feel this way? Is there something wrong with me? Is it because I'm getting old? Am I letting the news of the day drag me down? (Another thread altogether---but it does concern me).
early morning
10-9-21, 2:59pm
I have no advice and I don't know why I'm posting, other than to say there is no right or wrong way to have a birthday or any other day for that matter, as long as you aren't harming anyone. And no, I do not think there's anything wrong with you. Maybe, if you are already committed to the day's activities, think of what you're doing as YOUR gift to your friends and family - letting them feel that they are making You feel special. Then maybe start setting the stage for next year by blocking that time off with concrete plans - scheduling a trip that week, or taking a class that will need all of your time, whatever. (I'm working on my own mindsets here, can you tell, lol?)
In any case, I wish you the best on all days, not just the one that marks the anniversary of your birth! :D
I too do not like celebrating. Don't want presents, don't want a dinner, etc. Just a nice quiet day to do what I want. Maybe I just dont want to be the focus as you said? But the same thing happens at Thanksgiving and dont get me started about Christmas. Such unrealistic expectations from family.
Maybe tell the others to spread out their meals. Hubby can have next week and sister can have week after. Tell them it would make it more special.
iris lilies
10-9-21, 3:21pm
I am bored by adult birthdays and find celebrations of them tiresome. Other than the big ones (50? 80? 100?) I generally don’t like to participate. I will recognize DH’s birthday, but that’s about it. Because I have a friend for whom the birthday thing is important, I will usually send her a card or email message. But that’s only because I trained myself to do that, my heart isnt in it.
I’m always slightly shocked each year when I get birthday cards from people. You’d think I would figure out that cards are coming, but I just kind of forget about it between birthdays.There’s some friends who keep me on their birthday list and I just don’t understand why, I think it’s dumb.
DH’s siblings dutifully send everyone in their family a birthday card. So I get those as well. I just think it’s all so empty and meaningless.
I will say, though, because one of his sisters hand makes cards, they’re very pretty some of them are a joy to receive.
iris lilies
10-9-21, 3:24pm
Yeah and another thing is—I don’t know why we choose 50 and 80 to be seemingly the big birthdays that everyone must celebrate. For me and my cronies, I would be celebrating age 66 because that’s when you can go on the government dole!
Or age 59.5 When you can start pulling out money from your assets.
Also I will say that a nice dinner out in a restaurant is always appropriate way to celebrate. No damn presents not a big group of people and you say it’s just DH and me, but for the bigger birthdays we’ve invited other people. But no damn presents, they’re just a burden.
You are not typical but you are normal.
Simplemind
10-9-21, 5:41pm
I totally understand. For years I have tried to figure out why I am so uncomfortable with my birthday, mother's day and Christmas. At least the gift focus. I don't mind having a meal cooked for me at home but anything bigger than that just makes me squirm. For the life of me I can't figure out why I feel as I do. There is the minimalist in me that doesn't like gifting for the sake of gifting but there is something bigger there as well.
happystuff
10-9-21, 5:49pm
Well, I wish you a happy day today and for all the days to come. I don't mind my birthday. It's just another day. People can remember or not as they see fit. I do like dinner out, though, as that is always rare and always a treat! lol
You are not alone. My birthday was the 4th. People kept asking me “what are you going to do?” “Don’t you want to go out for supper?” Well, I wanted to stay home and bake and make jam. I asked Hubby if he’d cook supper, because I was tired. He did. No presents (I don’t need more stuff), no long drive in the country (Hubby’s suggestion), no dinner out (also Hubby’s suggestion). A friend invited us over to her place three days before my birthday and surprised me with a cake. No gift. Thank goodness! We ate the last of that cake for mid-morning snack the day of my birthday. Suited me just fine. Now Hubby is going around telling people I was depressed on my birthday! I actually had a fun and productive time!
iris lilies
10-9-21, 6:23pm
I totally understand. For years I have tried to figure out why I am so uncomfortable with my birthday, mother's day and Christmas. At least the gift focus. I don't mind having a meal cooked for me at home but anything bigger than that just makes me squirm. For the life of me I can't figure out why I feel as I do. There is the minimalist in me that doesn't like gifting for the sake of gifting but there is something bigger there as well.
YES I do think a lot of it is “gifting for the sake of gifting.” Ugh.
I genuinely value when friends get together. That is enough of a celebration.
In any case, I wish you the best on all days, not just the one that marks the anniversary of your birth! :D
Thank you! This is my attitude toward Mother's Day, too. Can't you be honored every day??? Or Administrative Assistant's Day---can't you respect me all the other days of the year too?
Thank you all.....just arrived home from "the lunch." I barely spoke at all; the other two did most of the chatting. It was a lovely setting and I loved watching the birds at the hostess's feeders. Her home is on 20 acres and is park-like. So I've had worse birthdays I suppose. Frankly, I can't even remember any others.
Again, thanks for your input. It's good to know I'm not the only "party-pooper."
I’m always slightly shocked each year when I get birthday cards from people. You’d think I would figure out that cards are coming, but I just kind of forget about it between birthdays.There’s some friends who keep me on their birthday list and I just don’t understand why, I think it’s dumb.
Exactly. They (birthdays) just sneak up on you. Next year I WILL be prepared with my own plan! Actually, I was supposed to attend Indian Wells tennis tournament this weekend, but those plans got messed up again by COVID.
I think the weird thing is when people are trying hard to give you birthday, then you feel obligated to be happy about it and that's stressful! You don't want to make them unhappy, but it's your birthday, darn it!
For that reason, I believe everyone should craft their birthdays the way THEY want them to be, and invite whom THEY wish to participate. I feel bad when others feel pressured to give me a good time. I actually have a plan for my 70th next year, and I hope DH is willing to listen.
Anyway, Kay, happy birthday! I don't think you're strange at all for feeling as you do but I hope you enjoyed your day.
frugal-one
10-9-21, 9:06pm
Guess I am the odd man out. I am always thankful when people remember my birthday. A phone call makes my day. it is nice that people remember.
I’m like the OP. I don’t want to celebrate my birthday particularly. Years ago I took it off my Facebook profile because I don’t even care to have most people acknowledge it. SO knows this so we either plan a weekend getaway of just the two of us or just a dinner. And that’s perfect for me. Not having to cook dinner is a nice treat for the day. The weekend after next we’re doing a pre-birthday getaway for me for a couple of nights. We’ll do a couple of wine tastings at wineries during the days and eat a couple of nice meals. I’m really looking forward to it. When my actual birthday happens during the following week we won’t do much of anything.
Guess I am the odd man out. I am always thankful when people remember my birthday. A phone call makes my day. it is nice that people remember.
Yes! Phone calls are good! I did receive one this morning from someone I haven't seen since I retired---a surprise because it was very unexpected. We spoke for about 10 minutes, and caught up, and I was happy to hear from him. I remembered after I hung up that he used to keep a little tiny notebook with people's birthdays in it. Very sweet. And not a hint of an obligation!
Teacher Terry
10-10-21, 2:04am
I don’t want gifts but I really enjoy going out with my kids on my birthday. My friends usually take me out sometime within a week of it which I like.
catherine
10-10-21, 8:47am
Guess I am the odd man out. I am always thankful when people remember my birthday. A phone call makes my day. it is nice that people remember.
I don't want to give the impression that I'm a Scrooge. I do love people calling or dropping a card. And I am appreciative of DH trying to get the kids together. It's more about those milestone birthdays that are unnecessarily expensive and put me in the center of attention.
iris lilies
10-10-21, 9:10am
I think the weird thing is when people are trying hard to give you birthday, then you feel obligated to be happy about it and that's stressful! You don't want to make them unhappy, but it's your birthday, darn it!
For that reason, I believe everyone should craft their birthdays the way THEY want them to be, and invite whom THEY wish to participate. I feel bad when others feel pressured to give me a good time. I actually have a plan for my 70th next year, and I hope DH is willing to listen.
Anyway, Kay, happy birthday! I don't think you're strange at all for feeling as you do but I hope you enjoyed your day.
About crafting your birthday: when I turn 50 I planned a big blowout vacation for DH and me in the UK. It was our castles and canals trip. I told everybody what we were doing. All our friends knew about our big trip, that is all I wanted to do and that was a lot!
They were compelled to organize a surprise party for me anyway. Sigh. And that was a bummer because I really did not want a party, I had told DH I didn’t want a party, but he didn’t have enough social grease to kill it when it was proposed to him. He didn’t plan it, someone else did.
Most of our friends were around our age so we had a 2-3 year period with what seemed like endless surprise 50th birthday parties.I threw a big party for DH. It wasn’t really a surprise but the actual activity was a surprise. I threw another surprise party for our single friend, and I think he liked that. It was low-key and in my own home with only 10 people.
Most of these 50th birthday parties were big deals with at least 20 people in attendance. They got a little tiresome.
pinkytoe
10-10-21, 10:01pm
DH and I were born ten hours apart so we always travel somewhere on our birthdays. It is a tradition and so family or friends might call or text a greeting but thats it.
early morning
10-11-21, 1:13am
my late twin cousin and I almost always celebrated our birthdays together, often just the two of us. Neither of us liked surprise parties but knew, for our 50th, it was pre-ordained.... so we headed it off by holding what we dubbed a "reverse surprise". Through a trusted intermediary, we sent anonymous invitations for a surprise party in our honor,, booked the hall, music, and caterer, did the decorations and favors, and made it just the way WE wanted a party to be. When our intermediary turned down the lights and told people to be quiet, as we were almost there to look at the hall for a different gathering, we flipped on the lights, made our entrance* through the kitchen, and yelled "happy surprise party, everyone!" (* we had really wanted to rent one of those big cake things to jump out of, but we are/were both on the large side and couldn't get one we could both fit into)
It was a gas, and the only big party I've every really enjoyed. Whatever people like, to celebrate or not, it should be their choice.
rosarugosa
10-11-21, 5:46am
Early: that sounds pretty cool, never heard of anyone doing that before!
We don't do big parties or even parties really. Our family tradition is just to go out for a nice meal together. We only exchange gifts with my sister, SIL and BIL at this point, so we don't have a lot of gift stuff to deal with. I do send birthday cards to quite a few people, and some seem pretty appreciative and have told me they never get a card from anyone else, so that motivates me to continue.
I often want to do something "special" on my birthday, but it can be a visit to a plant nursery or a walk in a favorite place, nothing over the top. I've spent many a birthday happily mulching or doing garden clean-up (I have a spring birthday).
Like Frugal-one, I once delighted in finding the perfect gifts for people, but after decades and decades of gift-giving, the delight has worn off. At a certain age, most people are able to just buy themselves something if they want it. If I see a perfect something that my sister would love for example, I will just buy it and give it to her, no special occasion needed.
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