Parent(s) ashes

[Tybee]

My brother is arriving here in three days and last night sent an email that he wants to scatter my dad's ashes while he is here. He claims that this should be done within a year of his death, to be "proper: and that he intends to do it in a "nice way" and proposes we toss Dad out to sea. (A couple of weeks ago he proposed we get rid of Mom and Dad's ashes together, conveniently forgetting Mom wasn't dead yet.) He also announced he plans to throw my grandparents ashes into a stream out where he lives, "unless one of us wants them."
(He took off with their ashes a couple of years ago, and made no arrangements for them, even though I have wanted for years to get them interred in a columbarium.)

Dad told me that he wanted to be spread in a flower garden on consecrated ground. Not easily arranged, as I have looked.

I am so fed up with this guy--he also sent me emails about two large estate problems that he expected me to handle, and I said no way, not my responsibility, I don't have time, and now I am being treated by him and other brother as though I am nuclear.

If you object to anything this guy does, it's an all out assault from him, my other brother, and his legal team that he hired, over my objections, and now he calls them "the family attorneys."

I am so stressed right now, awaiting surgeon consult about my stomach, so dreading see him. My husband told me yesterday he does not want to see this guy when he comes to town. I don't blame him.

What would you do about the ash situation? Just writing that makes me cry and my stomach turn. "The ash situation." I have just spent a week processing papers that he was going to throw out, family documents and it's been like hearing their voice from beyond the grave--they say things like, "My executor should, etc." and "My wishes are."

So I guess I am grappling with what I owe to the dead, vs. dealing with this team of people assembled by this guy to get his own wayand sanctioned by the court, etc. It is breaking my heart.

Any ideas on how to handle this crisis du jour? Cannot wait til this is out of my life.

He is going to see Mom for the first time in 2.5 years.

[catherine]

Can you do a nice memorial ceremony as a family, and then do a King Solomon thing and split the ashes among the family members? Or will they fight about that, too, and insist you get a scale and weigh the ashes?

Also, what is "consecrated ground"? The reason I ask is, couldn't you just go to that place and scatter the ashes without telling anyone? When my mother was cremated, we threw her ashes into the Long Island Sound, per her wishes. It was against the law, but conveniently there was a pier that was hidden from sight on the southern side, and so after the memorial service, just my brothers and I went behind the pier and let the ashes go.

[herbgeek]

Ugh Tybee. That is so awful that your brother is like that. Funny (not) how he rewrites the rules to suit himself. I've never heard this "proper" rule, sounds like something he made up.

I like Catherine's idea of splitting the ashes. But if he's not amenable to that, I'm sure your dead family members would not want to be causing trouble, and would want you to preserve your own mental health, however is best to accomplish that. Even if you can't follow their wishes.

[sweetana3]

I agree with Herbgeek. However, I do think your husband should at least act as go between because of your health issues. Or simply tell your brother(s) that health prevents you from meeting. Blame Covid if you have to. There is almost nothing that needs a personal visit. Even signatures can be done via mail or email.

You can take comfort in knowing you will do "what you can" under the circumstances. I am so sorry you have to go thru this.

[Tybee]

Thanks guys, these are really good things to think about. I am contemplating getting the covid booster on Sunday, as when I had the shots I was laid up for a week.

[iris lilies]

The only thing you “owe” the dead is to make sure your brother knows your father’s wishes. If your brother chooses to ignore those wishes, that is on him. Your dad made him executor and your dad, in his spiritual state, reaps those consequences. And really, your father’s wish about “consecrated ground” wasn't realistic, apparently.

I agree about splitting ashes. If I could get a small handful of the ashes I would quietly scatter them on appropriate garden space. No one would know and that does not hurt anything.

I wouldn't meet with the brother if I didnt have to. I really like sweetana’s take on it, ask your husband to serve as neutral go-between if there must be a meeting for business to be conducted.

I assume your brother holds the container of your father’s ashes, though, so it isnt easy to get a partial set of ashes.

[Tradd]

So sorry to hear this. I wouldn’t meet with him. Use health issues if you wish.

[happystuff]

Everyone has offered really good advise. I agree with the splitting the ashes, but if that proves impossible, maybe just let it go. If there is something of importance to you in all of this, then definitely fight for it, but if not, again I would suggest to just let it all go. You still have your memories and that is more personal than any "thing" may be. It's also important that you do what you must for your own health and well-being. You have surgery you are prepping for and that should take precedence! Prayers to you.

[Teacher Terry]

Hoping your surgery goes well and I agree with the others. Also who forgets that their mother isn’t dead yet. What a total jerk!

[jp1]

For me fighting to have my father’s wishes followed regarding his ashes wouldnt be hill that I would (metaphorically) die on. I’d suggest dividing them but relent if I got any pushback. But that’s me. If it’s important to you I agree with avoiding a meeting with brother using health as your reason (obviously avoiding potential covid due to your pending surgery is a valid reason) and asking DH to mediate.

[Simplemind]

Curious what your mother's thoughts are on the disposition of the remains. Sounds like he just want to have things done and isn't taking anybody's feelings into consideration. I would want it settled as well but not at the expense of other's feelings.

[JaneV2.0]

I'm glad that everyone I cared about is buried at Willamette National (veteran's) Cemetery outside of Portland.

[Tybee]

Brother met my email sent with attempt to explore options, including splitting ashes, with a hostile email saying fine, we'll do nothing, and I wrote back attempting to placate him saying whatever he wanted to do was absolutely fine and we should do whatever made him feel better. Other brother called to say he did not know why older brother was bullying me but he had noticed and thought it was because older brother was grieving. (There is no excuse in my book for the way he is acting, but it's probably an explanation, I was scapegoated in the family and he is doing what he always did to me.)

I appreciate all the comments here and have been working through and thinking about them all. My mom has no thoughts about disposition of remains as she has severe dementia and does not remember my father. Jane, I wish my dad had wanted to be buried at the veterans cemetary in Beaufort, but he did not. It sure would have made the whole thing simpler for both of them.

[herbgeek]

I wrote back attempting to placate him

You realize this is impossible, right?

[Tybee]

That's my problem, herbgeek, realizing this and acting on that knowledge. So many years of bullying, so many years of kow towing. There is no placating him; he seems to be losing it, which makes me wonder about his mental status--forgetting things, losing things, etc.

[happystuff]

So sorry this is continuing to be so hard, Tybee. I hope things get settled quickly and you all can move on.

[Tybee]

Thank you, happystuff!

[Tybee]

On a much happier ancestry note, I am going through my grandmother's photo album and have reached out to my dad's first cousin as I have many photos of her grandmother and grandfather, including on their wedding day, and of her mother as a small child. I also found two letters from her mother to my grandfather, so hopefully she will want them, and I can get these to their rightful owner.