View Full Version : Carving Out Time For Your Own Little Family On Holidays (Longish)
This is something that I have been struggling with for awhile. DH and I have large families, and we never seem to have any time to celebrate together (meaning just me and him) during the holidays. We have been dealing with this, but now that we have a baby of our own on the way, we are really wanting to have a little time for ourselves, for our little family on holidays.
Yesterday was a perfect example. We had church, then we had to see my dad, then my step-dad, then DH's dad. We barely had any time to celebrate DH's first Father's Day, and I felt really bad about it.
Christmas is the same way. The year we were married, we had 8 (8!!) Christmases to go to. After that, we limited it to two per side, but still, that is four Christmases to attend, and that leaves little time for our own little Christmas (or for us to celebrate our anniversary, which is in December).
I don't mean to sound selfish or like a jerk. We loves our families and are thankful that we have so many people that love us and want to celebrate with us. But it is getting hard; we want to establish our own little family traditions and celebrate what each holiday means to us spiritually (which is hard to do when your extended family is not religious).
We've tried different things in the past, but nothing seems to work. Some of what complicates things is that we live so close by that everyone just expects that we'll go. I also have a divorced family, so that automatically creates two of everything on my side, and everyone just seems to want to have everything within the same day or two. It's really exhausting.
Alternating and/or cutting back in the past hasn't really worked, but I am thinking that I am just going to have to put my foot down and set some reasonable boundaries. This is something that is really hard for me, but I feel like I need to put my own family (DH and our kids) first.
I am wondering if anyone else has been in this position and, if so, how you handled it. I don't want to be unkind or hurt anyone's feelings, and I am having trouble coming up with the right words to say. I also don't know what type of solution might be reasonable. I don't want to just be like..."we're not going to anything," but at the same time, I want to be able to celebrate in my own home with my husband and kids, too.
Thoughts?
Miss Cellane
6-20-11, 4:13pm
Will your baby be here by Christmas? If so, I'd just decide that I wouldn't go *anywhere* this first year for the holidays. If anyone wants to see the baby, they can come to you. Newborn=stay at home. Maybe plan a small thing for Christmas afternoon, with punch and cookies and invite everyone to that. (And if one person won't come because another person will be there, smile softly and tell them that you'll be sorry to miss them. Do not fall for the guilt trips.)
Eight celebrations, or four, of any holiday isn't festive. It's a chore. You have to stop the insanity. Why didn't alternating work before? Was it because people complained? Tough. You need to do what's right for your baby and your DH. I can only imagine a tiny baby after a day of visiting, interrupted naps, constantly having different people holding her, meals at all the wrong times. Most babies would be crying and hard to get to sleep after all that. Not fair to the baby, IMHO.
Now, some people are going to have their feelings hurt. You have a choice here. You can make everyone else happy. Or you can make you and your DH and your baby happy. Which do you choose?
For each holiday, what I'd do is a combination of things. Alternate some holidays. His family for Thanksgiving Day. One part of your family for Christmas Day. Then figure out what other days around the holidays you can visit people. So maybe, one year, you go to DH's family for Thanksgiving dinner, after going to church with just your immediate family. Then you visit one part of your family on the day after Thanksgiving for turkey sandwiches and pie. For Christmas, you could decide that Christmas Eve gets spent with whichever part of your family you didn't see on Thanksgiving. Christmas morning is just for the immediate family, with church. And then either stay home and have people over, or go to one (1) family member's home. Then you can see the rest of the extended family over the New Year's holiday.
Also it's not the end of the world to celebrate Christmas a week or two early or late, if you can't fit everyone in on the day. Have Christmas with one part of the family the weekend before or after. Everyone will be more relaxed and calm. For Father's Day, call the various fathers involved and work out a schedule--one the week before, one the week after. Then it will be easier to have a small home celebration for your DH, and also visit the final father on the actual day.
But I think it works best if you focus on seeing everyone over the holiday season, instead of everyone in one day.
I have a suspicion that you are looking for the magic words that will tell your families that you won't be seeing everyone every holiday and won't engender hurt feelings. Honestly, I don't think those words exist. But you can't control other people's feelings. If you know, in your heart of hearts, that what you are doing is what you want (and what you want is every bit as important as what other people want), then do it. Most people will come around fairly quickly, after an initial outburst of "Oh, no, we must see you every single holiday! You can't deprive me of my grandbaby!" Well, you're not. You are just making sure that the grandbaby has a happy, well-rested. calm holiday. Who could fault you for that?
treehugger
6-20-11, 4:56pm
I am wondering if anyone else has been in this position and, if so, how you handled it. I don't want to be unkind or hurt anyone's feelings, and I am having trouble coming up with the right words to say. I also don't know what type of solution might be reasonable. I don't want to just be like..."we're not going to anything," but at the same time, I want to be able to celebrate in my own home with my husband and kids, too.
I have experience in this area; between the 2 of us, my DH and I have 7 parents. We figured out what works best for us pretty early in our relationship, and made it work by showing a united front. I think you are actually at an advantage since you have a kid; people are a lot more understanding of doing your own thing when there are kids involved.
Anyway, our first year together (dating, not yet married) we went our separate ways for the big holidays, and that made us both very unhappy. We vowed never to that again, so for the next couple of years we visited everyone we needed to, going from place to place on the holidays. As you know, this just leads to exhaustion and resentment and means you don't actually get to enjoy anyone's company. So, we discussed it together and decided on our new strategy, which, in any given year, uses a combination of the following:
1. Go no more than 2 places in one day, preferably only one.
2. Spread the holiday out, visiting separate places on separate days (Christmas Eve, day after, weekend before, whatever it takes). The calendar is not sacred and spending time with family is what's important, not what the date is.
3. Announce our plans early on and stick to them. This means we are saying, "Take it (us) or leave it (us)," basically, which sounds unfeeling and harsh, but it's the only way to be fair and maintain our sanity. Also, advance notice really helps it go down easier.
4. Know that we can't make everyone happy so we don't even try.
5. Pick a holiday and host it ourselves, inviting everyone who wants to come, or just pick a "side" of the family.
6. Change things up from year to year, depending on circumstances, but don't have a set rotating schedule because that doesn't (in our experience) actually make things better.
OK, I know that some or all of that may not work for you, or it's "meaner" than you want to get, which is fine. But I think the bottom line is your family unit needs to figure out what you can and can't live with and then go from there. There may be a lot of drama at first from parents and siblings, but they will get used to it and in a few years, it will seem normal to not see everyone you are related to on Thanksgiving (or whatever holiday).
Good luck!
Kara
Great posts Miss Cellane and treehugger!
I agree that people are more likely to cut you slack with a baby. I have a large, divorced family too, but it's large enough that people have stopped expecting everyone for holidays and the divorced people are now largely OK with getting together with each other. I told my parents when they split that they needed to suck it up and act like adults on holidays because it wasn't anyone else's fault they couldn't get along. They white knuckled it the first couple of times, but now they are actually very comfortable with it.
This year we are doing Thanksgiving with DH's family and Christmas with mine. This is a pretty easy split because DH's family doesn't celebrate Christmas. Otherwise I would consider a Christmas Eve/Christmas Day split acceptable, but we usually have a just-us family thing on Christmas Eve and an extended family thing on Christmas Day.
If Christmas really does need to be split more than two ways, I'd consider an early or belated celebration with one set of family. One of my close friends' parents hosts a very fun, informal Christmas celebration the week after Christmas. Another friend celebrates Twelfth Night with her family. Christmas is technically a 12 day holiday after all. Why not extend the fun? Pitch it to the most flexible side of the family. This is my plan for when I have grandchildren. I'm going to give actual Christmas to the other in-laws and host a raucus Twelfth Night party with potluck appetizers, King Cake, punch and mixed drinks. I have also considered, if we have money when we are old, having a pre-Christmas overnight at a waterpark hotel for all the kids/grandkids/in-laws with an in-room pizza party and calling that both celebration and gift. There's time to work that all out, of course, as my oldest is seven. :) I mention it because it may be enough fun that some side of the family would consider that an acceptable substitute for a traditional holiday party.
Father's Day is another one that can be pretty flexible. It's a pretty arbitrary date. We're having brunch for my dad next week. Maybe you could host a BBQ for all the dads at your place the week before or after and keep Father's Day just for your DH. Most of the dads I know just want an acknowledgement of some sort. They aren't too hung up on when it happens. I have a friend who's son's dad left when he was a baby, making Father's Day a bit of a wound for him. They have a Grandparents Day celebration for Grandpa instead.
Thanks, everyone, for your advice. Many wise words that I needed to hear!
Basically what we have run into in the past is an unwillingness to spread out the celebration and a guilt trip if we don't go along with what everyone else wants. For example, Christmas Eve is at my mom's, then we go to my dad's, then Christmas day is my dad's again, and Christmas night is the in-laws. Because those are the days when my siblings are home, no one will agree to do an earlier or later celebration. It *has* to be those days. That, coupled with the fact that my large, divorced family doesn't want to combine the celebrations with the exes or do anything with my in-laws, really complicates things.
I think I know what I need to do--I am just not looking forward to doing it. I wish having a kid would get me more slack, but I think it gets me less since then if we don't go, it seems like we are keeping the baby from people. I always feel like I am being reasonable until I try to bring it up with my family. Then I feel like maybe I am being unreasonable. I don't think anyone is trying to be difficult about it, but I do feel as though there will be hurt feelings and disappointment if we don't go to family gatherings, and that makes me feel bad.
I am going to talk to DH about this tonight and see how he is feeling about it.
Thanks again!
I've found that the simplest solution to all this is to move to a location where you are at least 1000 miles from the nearest relative. It works even better if the various relatives are in different time zones, like most of mine are. Falling out with one side of the family also cuts down on visits. ;)
In all seriousness, though, I have been through your situation and it's no fun. Zooming 70 miles from one set of parents to the other in one day is a sure way to have a miserable holiday. I would plan early, state your plans, and then stick with them. Yes, people will be disappointed and may guilt trip you (BTDT also), but you (all three of you) are a family too. And besides, they can always come and see you.
If all else fails, plead illness. :)
AmeliaJane
6-20-11, 8:20pm
OK, I have only seen situations like this from a distance, but I do have a few suggestions, albeit weird ones:
1. Advance notice is key. The year that my sister tried to change the present exchange, she brought it up on Thanksgiving. That was a little late, since half the presents were already bought. It feels stupid sometimes to discuss Christmas in June, but obviously you're already thinking about it :).
2. This doesn't work for all families, if you have a lot of scorekeepers, but in many cases it works better to think about what is important individually to each part of the family instead of picking one blanket solution. After some discussion, we realized that it made more emotional sense in our family for some people to keep giving gifts to each other, and others to drop the gift exchange entirely, instead of trying to impose drawing names on everyone. So for instance, if one side wants to have all the extended family together for visiting, and the other side wants to see the grandchildren open presents, that might indicate doing different things. As I say, it doesn't work for everyone.
3. This is really unsentimental, but given that there is apparently out-of-town family coming in that reduces how flexible people can be, what about "dividing and conquering." Ie, hubby stays home with the baby while you go over to see your siblings, then you watch the baby while he sees his family. Then you host doughnuts and coffee on Boxing Day so everyone can see baby. "Baby is sleeping" is the absolutely inarguable excuse. Now, if I were doing that, I would also:
4. Pick a time that would be "my" Christmas, but not on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Maybe Dec. 20th, since that is your anniversary. Anyway, a time that isn't in high demand, and have that just the way you like it--make a special meal, exchange your nuclear family presents, go out to look at Christmas lights--whatever makes the day special. I suggest this because given your extended family, no matter what boundaries you set, there will always be *some* family obligations that will set limits on what you can do. Personally, I would rather have my own time that I could have my own way, even if it wasn't on the day, rather than having to fit in around someone else. But I am not sentimental about the calendar. And to be honest, your kids will probably value your "weird" family traditions over the parts of the holiday that are like everyone else's.
Good luck--it sounds really complicated...
Thanks SoSimple and AmeliaJane. I appreciat eyour input, too!
I don't mean to make my family out to be a bunch of ogres. They're not. I love them all and do enjoy seeing them. It's just that I feel we do so much running that we neglect our own little family.
I did talk to DH tonight. It is really important to both of us to keep our anniversary celebration seperate from Christmas, so what I think we will do is do one gathering Christmas Eve and then go to church and have Christmas Eve night and Christmas Day morning with our little family. Then Christmas Day afternoon and/or evening do a second gathering. That way, we are only going one place each day. This does mean that I will have to alternate my family Christmases sometimes, but that's the way it goes. It's not fair to attend all my family's stuff and ignore DH's (which is what we usually do). Other major holidays (i.e. Thanksgiving and Easter), we might start alternating or just stay home. Lesser holidays (Father's Day, etc.) we will try to do what some of you suggested and celebrate with extended family another day and save the actual day for our family.
I have no idea how this will actually play out, but we'll give it a try. It is my hope that I can word things gently and that everyone will understand and not be hurt. I also hope to slow down and enjoy the season a bit more. Usually I just feel exhausted and overwhlemed.
Thanks again for your advice! I'm still open to hear suggestions anyone else might have.
move to new zealand?
;)
we had this issue for years. since my sister and SIL pretty much dictate everything with our parents, we were often the ones given the "take it or leave it" statements. LOL of course, their reasoning was as sound as anyone of the above, but there really was no consideration for our needs. So we had to choose between either not seeing people during the holidays, or seeing them on their terms. it was truly frustrating.
we alternated between seeing them and forgoing it. we alternated who we saw at which holiday. ultimately, we actually stopped celebrating holidays at all -- which I know sounds nuts, btu there it is.
and being that we are frugal and on a very tight budget, I just can't afford holidays. I would budget $300 for christmas (and save up throughout the year and bargain shop, etc), and in the end, everyone would complain about my gifts, end up not hanging out with us anyway (ILs did this the most), or simply being in a place for an hour before heading back home (1-2 hr drives back home).
It was pretty miserable.
since moving to NZ, it's been great. we celebrate holidays in our own way (usually feasting, small simple gifts), and we travel over christmas holidays and it's great. our friends have an "orphan's christmas" at the hotel that he manages -- he invites everyone he knows to come, particularly if they don't have family here, and it's a *really* nice time.
I do miss the old family holidays we had when I was younger, but it's just never really worked out. I was always exhausted, frustrated, hungry, and usually picked on. So, not my idea of fun. :)
I do, btw, think that if you tell people you want to slow down the holiday, have a more restful time, and make your own family traditions for your child, people will be more understanding.
Wow. It helps to live far from your family. :)
All kidding aside, I've seen this with local friends. And I've told them to just set boundaries when the baby is born. My friend's fear was the expectation of driving 3 hours to her husband's family's house for Christmas every year. To which I said: uh, you've got the baby, you make the rules.
Yes, you want to see your siblings, I assume. A single visit should handle that, no? (I live 3000 miles from my family, and I've gotten used to seeing my siblings every 2-3 years. Facebook is awesome for keeping in touch.) Not to mention that planes fly in both directions, and not a single sibling has come to visit me. So think about that too (have you ever visited your siblings?) If you can see your parents regularly, then Xmas is just another day. It's the sibs that are the issue.
My family was certainly disappointed when we stopped flying cross country to visit for the holidays. They got over it.
Also, you didn't really miss your dh's first father's day. That will be next year (trust me, you'll both feel the difference - and MAKE SURE to make it special. First step: set boundaries for Xmas, which will make it easier.)
I ditto the statememt "as parents, you set the rules". This is going to be true for many issues during your children's lives so now is a good time to get a backbone.
If quick run in visits to relatives are only about opening presents and then running to the next set, your kid(s) will get a pretty screwed up idea of Chirstmas. The adults will get over their irritation that you are not doing "what you are told".
Family traditions are a constant in kids lives and provide stability and the way you help instill your own family values. You and your husband should certainly be able to create and enjoy your own family traditions.
I ditto the statememt "as parents, you set the rules". This is going to be true for many issues during your children's lives so now is a good time to get a backbone.
If quick run in visits to relatives are only about opening presents and then running to the next set, your kid(s) will get a pretty screwed up idea of Chirstmas.
@sweetana--I agree that now is the time to make the change. And yes, the focus on the presents and all the running is part of what really frustrates me, because to us (DH and I), that is not what Christmas is about. We believe that Christmas should be about Jesus, but there is no place for Christ at most of the family gatherings. If we continue on with what we have been doing, we will be teaching our children that Christmas is about gifts and food. We don't want that, and it is our responsibility as parents to teach our children "the reason for the season" as we see it in our own little family. We want to do things like go to church and read the Nativity story from the Bible...but those things get squeezed out because we allow ourselves to get too busy going to family gatherings that don't welcome that sort of thing. That is no one's fault but ours! But at the same time, we need to make some changes to allow for the things that matter to us.
@mm1970--the sibling thing is part of what makes this so hard for me. We are a large, blended family, and I love to see my siblings and their kids. Yes, we do try to see them throughout the year, too--sometimes when they come here and sometimes when we go to them. But we are never ALL able to get together at the same time except on major holidays--and that gathering IS usually the single visit. However, my one sibling has started alternating years, so we are thinking we might do the same on the years she isn't there. So we'll miss that Christmas every other year, but we'll be there on the years that she (and everyone else) is. That way, we can all be together every other year.
This whole thing just reminds me how much I want simplicity in my life. I love the people in my life very much, but I am not interested in the go, go, go, busy, busy, busy thing. I've been there, done that, and it really just leads to exhaustion and a lack of meaningful purpose. I just want to slow down! Can anyone else relate?
poetry_writer
6-21-11, 11:33am
I do understand the issue. Both my parents are gone now. I would go and be with the family as much as possible. Its lonely on holidays without them around and I treasure the memories of the holidays.
I do understand the issue. Both my parents are gone now. I would go and be with the family as much as possible. Its lonely on holidays without them around and I treasure the memories of the holidays.
I appreciate your perspective. My father, especially, is not in good health, and every year I think "What is this is the last Christmas/Easter/Thanksgiving." That, too, makes it hard for me to set boundaries (is anyone seeing a theme here--that it's hard for me to set boundaries :laff:). I want to love him while he is here. I know when he is gone, I'd do anything for just one more minute with him.
I think you have gotten some excellent advice above. I will add the perspective of a divorced parent that also has to work holidays often. I work my schedule so that I do not work the holidays that I have my kids. If it is my Christmas to have them, I will move heaven and earth to not work that day. If I have them Christmas, then their father has them Christmas Eve. My family of origin lives 2 hours away. Sometimes they get miffed when I don't get down there during the holiday season to meet up with them. But they have never been so miffed that they were willing to drive up here to have Christmas, or 4th of July or Thanksgiving at my house and accomadate my kid's schedules.
For me the straw that broke the camel's back was the Christmas Eve that I drove down for the holiday meal, that didn't get served till 7pm (was scheduled for 3pm) and I drove home in a major snow storm to get the kids to their dad's at the court mandated time of 9pm.
My family of origin has never been good about taking care of me. I have learned to take care of myself. I am a little more tolerant of my mother who is 79, has health issues and no longer drives long distances. The rest of them can come see me, if they drive here, I will put on a big spread.
Kat- don't wait till you have your own version of the Christmas Eve late snowy drive. Start setting the boundries now: let the adults travel to the baby, do the every other year thing when your sister is there. Celebrate the birth of Christ with those that share your beliefs. You can have a big meal with the family another day.
They will still love you, even if they don't get everything they want.
The boundaries are hard to set, and don't be surprised if your baby makes the whole family's dynamic go ape poop. it literally threw a massive wrench into how everyone related to everyone because of the new baby. seriously, it was a huge shock for me. everyone was happy and excited about the baby, but no one could figure out how to relate to each other after he showed up.
I know that it's largely because I am unconventional, but by the same token, people were trying to figure out their positions. It was a strong indication to our parents that they were no longer in power. So, they tried to jostle for power -- my ILs insisted that we should be continually seeking them for advice, and my mother tried to be helpful, and both tried to not step on our toes, which made everything SO ridiculously confusing for me. They had no idea how to relate to us, and we had no idea how to relate to them. And quite honestly, between my husband and I, the dynamic got completely off kilter and it was a massive mess for the first year.
Yes, Year.
I'm not trying to scare or upset you. It may not happen in your family. But in my family, it did, and it was a huge shock. I had to figure out what I wanted, how to ask for it, and also how to make sure it happened for me -- whether they liked it, were on board, or not. It took a lot of personal strength.
It was also difficult, isolating, and frustrating at times.
It's a good idea now to get a game plan of what you want. Imagine how you want the day to go, and start expressing that to the family. Talk about how you can all work together to make it work -- so that you have holiday time with family AND that you have a holiday for yourselves.
Thanks, everyone. You have all been so kind and have given me much to think about. I guess I didn't realize how much having a baby would change everything--not just in this situation, but with my relationships with people in general. I have for years been flexible and always willing to go everyone else's way, putting myself on the back burner. No more. I expect the transition might be a little rough, but we will all get through it!
Thanks again!
After last night's contemplation and discussion with my DH, he brought up something interesting about my prior post.
He said that they didn't change, I did.
My birth was a massive spiritual shift. I saw the great expanse, and chose to return with the baby.
So, I came out of it different -- and with that, all the dynamics that were OK before were Not OK after. I just could not tolerate some of them anymore (this takes us to the black sheep post, btw). And this meant that I was confronting people on dynamics left, right, and center.
I was easy going, let those dynamics carry on, knowing them (in some cases) and just letting them be and playing my role in them. Then I had the baby and was like "nope, no more." Any dynamic that bothered me became suspect and i took it head on -- with no warning to anyone else. So yes, they had to find their footing, they were trying to swing into the old dynamics, and I wasn't having it.
So, yeah, birth changed *me*, and everyone else had to adapt. I think we are still figuring things out.
DH jokes 'Yes, you just became More Norwegian." (we joke about how norwegians are jsut cold people -- i'm part norwegian).
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