View Full Version : Your Criteria for Dating/Relationship Formation?
First of all, have you consciously made a list of red flags/green flags/qualities needed/desired from a potential date/relationship prospect?
Secondly, once you are in a relationship, do you consciously check back in with yourself about red/green flags and so on?
Ultralight
2-14-22, 10:11pm
First of all, have you consciously made a list of red flags/green flags/qualities needed/desired from a potential date/relationship prospect?
Secondly, once you are in a relationship, do you consciously check back in with yourself about red/green flags and so on?
I am open to doing this. But are we talking about making these lists from an idealistic standpoint or a realistic one?
ApatheticNoMore
2-15-22, 2:01am
I ran past what others might see as red flags. My heart (uh intuition) was stronger than any list. It's worked out. All that 'on paper' stuff turned out to be irrelevant. But no I wouldn't date an abuser or anything like that (well did when I was very young but).
I am open to doing this. But are we talking about making these lists from an idealistic standpoint or a realistic one?
I guess that's up to you. For me, it wouldn't be ideal, if it weren't realistic, so there's considerably overlap :-)
Chicken lady
2-15-22, 8:26am
1) it seems like this might matter here - several people close to me have theorized that I am on the autism spectrum. As a professional educator with nearly two decades of experience with autistic kids but no formal training or diagnosis capability - I think they may have a point. This may effect how I approach relationships.
the first person I fell in love with was same gender. I was not old enough for sexual attraction to be a significant factor. Later I was and we did not match. I broke her heart. Decades later we have moved through that and I still love her.
when I was dating, I had a list. The list included biological children. Preferably six (I got three). The list evolved.
I led with “I want six kids.” As in, before you knew me well enough to ask me out, you knew I wanted six kids. This complicated my life by attracting fundamentalist men. My first serious boyfriend taught me that religion had to be on the list. He was also the last person I dated who had a parent who smoked. I cried when I broke up with him, we stayed friends, his wife is perfect for him and I was really happy when he found her.
i “dated” people who did not meet my list, but I was very clear upfront that they were temporary entertainment. Some of them believed me better than others.
I also had a timeline. By the time I was approaching the “get married” part of the timeline, Dh was the only person I had met who checked off most of the list and no deal breakers. And I loved him, and he wanted to get married. If I kept looking he wasn’t going to wait, and the “six kids” had a window that was fast approaching (so if I kept looking, I might do worse and run out of time for kids…). I figured I could talk him into four and took the leap (I was wrong but it worked out fine.)
I have since learned that I would not have cared if the kids were not biologically mine, but it was the simplest route.
I didn't have a list. I had one rule based on my family of origin: no alcoholics.
After dating a few people who I had nothing in common with another rule became, "has to share SOME common interests." I dated a guy who asked me "What's theatre?" when I told him I was a theatre major. A couple of weeks later, another guy asked me what my major was, and so I warily told him that I was a theatre major. His reaction: "My favorite playwright is Samuel Beckett. Have you seen Waiting for Godot?"
I married him.
I latched onto my other at the age of 20 as we immediately knew we were from the same planet. After this many decades and looking back, I would advise friendship, positivity, common interests, and someone with personal goals and ambitions. Physical attraction fits in there somewhere.
Ultralight
2-15-22, 12:19pm
My list:
1. Compassionate
2. Treats Harlan as good as I do.
3. Not crazy (example: No borderlines and no hoarders)
4. Earns $25,000+
5. TNK or too old to get pregnant
6. Not mordibly obese.
7. Not an alcoholic or druggie (cannabis is okay).
8. Likes cuddling
9. Sexual chemistry is satisfactory (Doesn't have to be great).
10. Age 30-60
At the time, I only wanted someone who had a good heart.
Not that there will be a next time but:
1. Kind to all, even when nobody is looking
2. A sense of personal and societal responsibility
3. No illegal drugs
4. Ability to communicate/negotiate/disagree in a respectful manner
5. Curiosity and an adventurous spirit. Willing to do and try new things.
#4 has been our biggest marital challenge. We actually sought counselling to get some help in that regard.
ToomuchStuff
2-15-22, 1:18pm
I can't say consciously, as I long ago, pretty much gave up on the idea. It was after I proposed to a gal, whose reply was "I want to be a kept woman" and thought she would have fun with me, and move on to one of those I know with a heck of a lot more money.
As for checking back with the flags, you pretty much have to, if your thinking of spending any real time with the person. I've developed a LOT of red flags the hard way:
1. Father threatens you to stay away, because your not a good Italian boy, a few months before he is executed in the street, and a bunch of his friends arrested.
2. Attracted to the dangerous kind (decided to go with a guy on trial for a religious murder in Iowa, now out after 25 years).
3. Drug user as well as lots of her family. I was informed that I should expect to be pulled over, after she went to work UC for LEO's, when her brother was putting their (young enough to be in mom's) house, at risk.
and quite a few more.
I never had a detailed list of criteria, being no great catch myself. This is definitely an area where the perfect is the enemy of the good.
My experience has been that most forms of happiness are something you blunder into rather than hunt down like an out of print book or an ISIS top lieutenant.
In no particular order, and likely not complete:
- kind, to self and others
- reasonably intelligent
- is accomplished at something
- has failed at something
- honest
- emotionally stable. Significant mental health issues are a DQ
- physically fit enough for light/medium hiking/travel/adventure
- no substance abuse issues
- financially stable
- doesn't wish to have additional children
- doesn't have minor-age children
- if they have children, they have a good relationship with their kids
- doesn't mind large dogs
- doesn't necessarily want to move in together, and not looking to get officially "married".
- not vanilla
- no TERFS
- I don't want no commies in my car. No Christians either.
In no particular order, and likely not complete:
- kind, to self and others
- reasonably intelligent
- is accomplished at something
- has failed at something
- honest
- emotionally stable. Significant mental health issues are a DQ
- physically fit enough for light/medium hiking/travel/adventure
- no substance abuse issues
- financially stable
- doesn't wish to have additional children
- doesn't have minor-age children
- if they have children, they have a good relationship with their kids
- doesn't mind large dogs
- doesn't necessarily want to move in together, and not looking to get officially "married".
- not vanilla
- no TERFS
- I don't want no commies in my car. No Christians either.
That's a pretty good list. I would add sense of humor, happy nature, and chemistry to it.
In no particular order, and likely not complete:
- kind, to self and others
- reasonably intelligent
- is accomplished at something
- has failed at something
- honest
- emotionally stable. Significant mental health issues are a DQ
- physically fit enough for light/medium hiking/travel/adventure
- no substance abuse issues
- financially stable
- doesn't wish to have additional children
- doesn't have minor-age children
- if they have children, they have a good relationship with their kids
- doesn't mind large dogs
- doesn't necessarily want to move in together, and not looking to get officially "married".
- not vanilla
- no TERFS
- I don't want no commies in my car. No Christians either.
Hmm.. I'm more of the grab bag type. I think that's what LDAHL was saying, a little more eloquently. When I'm making demands of life, I typically say, "Surprise me!"
dado potato
2-17-22, 11:41pm
I would ask who has a reputation for making the best lefse in town.
With any luck, this person would be a Norwegian who also can carry a tune.
ApatheticNoMore
2-18-22, 12:18am
A guy showed up on my doorstep. They say to all the single people "a partner isn't just going to show up on your doorstep someday" as the cliched advice. That is true, you need to get out there, or at least try personals, a partner isn't just going to show up on your doorstep!
However, if you are in a committed relationship and neither young nor available, one probably will. Why? Just the fates laughing at you, they always are, they like to be amused. A guy showed up on my doorstep to return a lost wallet (which I had missed), and developed a crush on me. I had to explain I wasn't single.
A guy showed up on my doorstep. They say to all the single people "a partner isn't just going to show up on your doorstep someday" as the cliched advice. That is true, you need to get out there, or at least try personals, a partner isn't just going to show up on your doorstep!
However, if you are in a committed relationship and neither young nor available, one probably will. Why? Just the fates laughing at you, they always are, they like to be amused. A guy showed up on my doorstep to return a lost wallet (which I had missed), and developed a crush on me. I had to explain I wasn't single.
I love this.
iris lilies
2-18-22, 10:59am
I love this.
I know! It is cute. APN should keep his contact info in her back pocket as backup.
However, if you are in a committed relationship and neither young nor available, one probably will. Why? Just the fates laughing at you, they always are, they like to be amused. A guy showed up on my doorstep to return a lost wallet (which I had missed), and developed a crush on me. I had to explain I wasn't single.
Maybe a bit late to this but yeah, that's been my experience. Not literally showing up on my doorstep, but have had a few guys develop a crush on me after I was married, become very attentive and had to be told "sorry, not available".
Teacher Terry
3-11-22, 1:24pm
I had a list when I met my third husband and he fit it. Unfortunately people can significantly change.
Well, DS (my only single child) got "picked up" in a bar by a girl who saw him writing in a journal and asked him what he was writing. There was a connection, but DS soon found out she is in a long relationship--she lives with the guy. So DS tried to keep her at arm's length but "love will find a way"--and they have been seeing each other once or twice a week. The girl has been open to her BF about seeing my son and saying she wants an open relationship. I think this is a case of tearing the band-aid off slowly (and painfully). But the BF is so distressed about this he took time off from his job to go stay with his mother for 3 weeks.
I have been around through numerous relationships with my kids, and I always get heartbroken for my kids when they get broken up with, and sometimes even more heartbroken for the ones that my kids have broken up with. And now I'm even one step removed--I haven't even met this girl, never mind her BF, but my heart is breaking for him, even as I would love for it to work out for my son. He and this girl seem very well-matched. But the other night I had a hard time getting to sleep thinking about this poor guy and what he must be going through. I just wish DS would get married and then I don't have to worry about anything, unless a divorce comes along and then that's a whole other thing!
Help me get through this. What was the most painful breakup you ever had, and how did you get through it?
iris lilies
3-11-22, 2:02pm
Catherine you know what people are going to tell you. We will be telling you some version of “this is not your circus nor are you even related to the abandoned monkey.”
The girl gets to decide what level of commitment she has to her boyfriend. Yeah I guess it’s a little skeevy of her to decide mid relationship she wants an open relationship which really, probably, means she wants to leave her boyfriend.
But we have no knowledge of how committed they were and clearly they’re not so committed to a conventional monogamous situation, but not my problem, not your problem, and your son just needs to keep an eye open for her behavior towards her boyfriend because today it is that man, tomorrow it’s him on the receiving end.
As far as getting over break ups, time heals all. Trite but true.
My mother was engaged when she met my father, so you never know.
iris lilies
3-11-22, 2:09pm
My mother was engaged when she met my father, so you never know.
Well, see that is part of the problem with “kids these days.” Haha.
An engagement is a clear sign of commitment, but it ain’t marriage. Living together…is that a clear sign of a committed relationship? As an outsider, am I supposed to honor that status as a committed couple? ? I do not know.
Let’s just say I didn’t take that terribly seriously in my youth.:~)
Catherine you know what people are going to tell you. We will be telling you some version of “this is not your circus nor are you even related to the abandoned monkey.”
The girl gets to decide what level of commitment she has to her boyfriend. Yeah I guess it’s a little skeevy of her to decide mid relationship she wants an open relationship which really, probably, means she wants to leave her boyfriend.
But we have no knowledge of how committed they were and clearly they’re not so committed to a conventional monogamous situation, but not my problem, not your problem, and your son just needs to keep an eye open for her behavior towards her boyfriend because today it is that man, tomorrow it’s him on the receiving end.
As far as getting over break ups, time heals all. Trite but true.
You are absolutely right. I know it's NOMB, but since I hear it from DS every other day, how he's staying detached because he knows there's a good chance she'll go back to the BF--but I know he's not very detached. I know I'm out of the picture and it's up to the girl basically to cal the shots. What will be will be (another trite but true saying). I just can't help feeling very bad for the guy, and I'll feel very bad for DS if it goes the other way.
I never broke up with anyone. The closest thing I came to relationship heartbreak was unrequited love. I spent 2 years of my life for one guy I was after and another 2 years chasing another, and come to find out, both were closeted gays. If the culture had been different back in the 60s, I could have saved myself a lot of time.
Help me get through this. What was the most painful breakup you ever had, and how did you get through it?
My previous long-term partner and I had been together 40+ years, with us married for 20+ years of that. We built a wonderful life together, and raised an amazing child. And then the wheels fell off the wagon, due to mental illness so severe that several months in a residential psych facility were needed simply for my partner to continue living.
This was difficult for me to get through, along with the abuse and infidelity that led up to the final irrevocable break.
I'm not sure I've fully "gotten through it", or that indeed I ever will. What has helped is the support of family/friends/community, some top-notch therapy, and some time thinking things through. It was a good learning experience, and I have developed good relationships, and a whole new side-career or two as a result :-)
Well, see that is part of the problem with “kids these days.” Haha.
An engagement is a clear sign of commitment, but it ain’t marriage. Living together…is that a clear sign of a committed relationship? As an outsider, am I supposed to honor that status as a committed couple? ? I do not know.
Let’s just say I didn’t take that terribly seriously in my youth.:~)
Hahaha! Likewise. My beloved was married when we met. As I explained to his sister, I'm faithful in my relationships, but I can't speak for others...
My previous long-term partner and I had been together 40+ years, with us married for 20+ years of that. We built a wonderful life together, and raised an amazing child. And then the wheels fell off the wagon, due to mental illness so severe that several months in a residential psych facility were needed simply for my partner to continue living.
This was difficult for me to get through, along with the abuse and infidelity that led up to the final irrevocable break.
I'm not sure I've fully "gotten through it", or that indeed I ever will. What has helped is the support of family/friends/community, some top-notch therapy, and some time thinking things through. It was a good learning experience, and I have developed good relationships, and a whole new side-career or two as a result :-)
Yeah, I realized that my question, after I posted it, sounded a bit insensitive considering the people here, like you, who have had breakups on a nuclear level--I was thinking of "young romance." Losing a long-time partner is a whole other thing. It sounds like you made good decisions about how to process the breakup and the reasons for it and move forward, and great that you had good support from family and friends. I'm glad you're in a good place now!
iris lilies
3-11-22, 2:51pm
Hahaha! Likewise. My beloved was married when we met. As I explained to his sister, I'm faithful in my relationships, but I can't speak for others...
I agree that the person in the assumed-committed relationship is the one to preserve the relationship.
If they aren’t taking it seriously, why should I? Theoretically, mind you. :~)
I agree that the person in the assumed-committed relationship is the one to preserve the relationship.
If they aren’t taking it seriously, why should I? Theoretically, mind you. :~)
I would recommend this book for that sort of thing:
https://i0.wp.com/www.rewriting-the-rules.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/TES.jpg
iris lilies
3-11-22, 3:03pm
I would recommend this book for that sort of thing:
https://i0.wp.com/www.rewriting-the-rules.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/TES.jpg
dude, my slutty days are long gone.
My personal idea after some little trial and error was that if I didn’t declare myself exclusive in any relationship, I wasn’t. And more than one case I was very clear that I wasn’t.
dude, my slutty days are long gone.
My personal idea after some little trial and error was that if I didn’t declare myself exclusive in any relationship, I wasn’t. And more than one case I was very clear that I wasn’t.
It's not so much about being slutty, as about negotiating and traversing non-monogamous relationships, with a focus on honesty and clear communication. Which I have found helpful even within the context of other relationship styles.
I suspect the original provocative title was chosen to get the authors seats on the talk-show circuit :-)
Hahaha! Likewise. My beloved was married when we met. As I explained to his sister, I'm faithful in my relationships, but I can't speak for others...
Maybe that makes me an "ethical slut." :D
Whatever.
A friend's son was married with total commitment on his part after living together for a couple of years, buying a house etc. After about 18 months of marriage, she was no longer interested; they divorced, sold the house and he is not dating but working really hard for the past 8 years. This has happened in many other cases, both male and female, where the individuals left behind fail to find another commitment.
Catherine, the girlfriend may be trying to find the right path for the boyfriend herself and your son or has no idea what to do. IL has great advice that you would have shared with another as well.
It is hard to watch our kids struggle before they commit, during the commitment, any serious emotional interruptions and if they pass before you do. All you can do is what yoor u have done along the way so far, love them, remind them of their loveability, uniqueness and worth.
I have often puzzled about longterm commitment when observing mankind. Do we evolve with the years after starting with optimism, lean together or move apart over time or just get very comfy with each other?
happystuff
3-11-22, 11:23pm
I don't think a committed relationship necessarily means a long-term relationship. Several of my committed relationships ended because of each of us changing and knowing that separating was better for both of us. I can honestly say that I haven't had a "bad" breakup and, in some cases, even remain in contact with exes. Eventually separating did not lessen the commitment we had to each other.
Hopefully I explained that well. :)
iris lilies
3-11-22, 11:40pm
I don't think a committed relationship necessarily means a long-term relationship. Several of my committed relationships ended because of each of us changing and knowing that separating was better for both of us. I can honestly say that I haven't had a "bad" breakup and, in some cases, even remain in contact with exes. Eventually separating did not lessen the commitment we had to each other.
Hopefully I explained that well. :)
well, when you broke up you we’re no longer committed to an exclusive partnered relationship, so no, I wouldn’t say that your commitment continued after breakup. That doesn’t mean you didn’t maintain some sort of relationship. And of course committed may not mean forever, but clarification is a good thing when talking to your partner about that C word.
I used to think it was kind of icky to not maintain a relationship with anyone with whom one has been serious, meaning a cordial one, but I guess there are reasons for it.
ToomuchStuff
3-12-22, 1:02pm
A friend's son was married with total commitment on his part after living together for a couple of years, buying a house etc. After about 18 months of marriage, she was no longer interested; they divorced, sold the house and he is not dating but working really hard for the past 8 years. This has happened in many other cases, both male and female, where the individuals left behind fail to find another commitment.
Back in my early 20's, my group of friends started going different directions (I was the young one, most were four years older).
Though my work, there was a group of customers that grew up together and became my friends.
I had to laugh because they were doing things that my friends did back when I was 14. Anyways, so as ones started dating, a couple of the friends started dating. After a year, the two became engaged and got married. Six months later, the gal realized she wasn't in love, but felt that he was the only one that loved her. Few months later, they were divorced, she was in love, and her ex was diagnosed with cancer.
I used to think it was kind of icky to not maintain a relationship with anyone with whom one has been serious, meaning a cordial one, but I guess there are reasons for it.
Yes, like when your husband starts shooting up the house, while you are hiding in the bathtub with the kids etc.
There are lots of reasons, not to.
I met the gal I proposed to, when she was six months pregnant. She had one drunken date with a friend, and moved in when she found out she was pregnant. Both were from divorced homes and thought that was the worst thing for kids. They ended up married, and so many of their friends wondered why they were together and not her and I. One week after the wedding, both told me they just made the worst mistake of their life.
iris lilies
3-12-22, 1:38pm
Back in my early 20's, my group of friends started going different directions (I was the young one, most were four years older).
Though my work, there was a group of customers that grew up together and became my friends.
I had to laugh because they were doing things that my friends did back when I was 14. Anyways, so as ones started dating, a couple of the friends started dating. After a year, the two became engaged and got married. Six months later, the gal realized she wasn't in love, but felt that he was the only one that loved her. Few months later, they were divorced, she was in love, and her ex was diagnosed with cancer.
Yes, like when your husband starts shooting up the house, while you are hiding in the bathtub with the kids etc.
There are lots of reasons, not to.
I met the gal I proposed to, when she was six months pregnant. She had one drunken date with a friend, and moved in when she found out she was pregnant. Both were from divorced homes and thought that was the worst thing for kids. They ended up married, and so many of their friends wondered why they were together and not her and I. One week after the wedding, both told me they just made the worst mistake of their life.
Ouch! So how long were they married, the ones who made the worst mistake of their lives?
http://www.simplelivingforum.net/images/misc/quote_icon.png Originally Posted by iris lilies http://www.simplelivingforum.net/images/buttons/viewpost-right.png (http://www.simplelivingforum.net/showthread.php?p=403851#post403851)
I used to think it was kind of icky to not maintain a relationship with anyone with whom one has been serious, meaning a cordial one, but I guess there are reasons for it.
Yes, like when your husband starts shooting up the house, while you are hiding in the bathtub with the kids etc.
There are lots of reasons, not to.
I had to hide in my friend's house with my kids for three days until I could get a protective order. Lots of times, there are very good reasons. The only people who took me seriously and did not minimize my terror were the police. I am still grateful to them, all these years later.
ToomuchStuff
3-12-22, 2:22pm
Ouch! So how long were they married, the ones who made the worst mistake of their lives?
They were married two years, when the kid woke them up, while the house was on fire. After losing everything, they were married for another year and a half, until the divorce was final.
A friend of mine, on the eve of his wedding, took me out for drinks and declared his love for me. Needless to say, that marriage didn't last long. Another friend realized her mistake shortly before she walked down the aisle; she didn't want to cause a scene, so she carried on with a stiff upper lip. That marriage--no surprise--was also short-lived. I'm sure there are countless stories like this.
(I forgot to mention my beloved and I didn't start dating until he was safely separated, to avoid starring in a scandal.)
ApatheticNoMore
3-12-22, 5:08pm
Years ago, I had a crush on a married man at work, when his wife became pregnant it hurt me. I never attempted to start anything with him, but I guess it sunk in: "well I guess he really is committed to staying with her". :0!
Teacher Terry
3-12-22, 6:45pm
When you don’t have children with someone there’s no reason to stay in touch. My last ex wanted to stay friends and do things together. No you lost that privilege when you were repeatedly unfaithful. I have lots of friends unlike him.
I’ve had two significant relationships prior to my current one. One I had no interest in staying in touch. The other I stayed in touch for years. Then he started using meth and pretty much ditched all his old friends.
happystuff
3-12-22, 10:42pm
well, when you broke up you we’re no longer committed to an exclusive partnered relationship, so no, I wouldn’t say that your commitment continued after breakup. That doesn’t mean you didn’t maintain some sort of relationship. And of course committed may not mean forever, but clarification is a good thing when talking to your partner about that C word.
I used to think it was kind of icky to not maintain a relationship with anyone with whom one has been serious, meaning a cordial one, but I guess there are reasons for it.
I agree. What I was trying to explain was that even though the relationship did not last, during time IN the relationship it was consider to be a committed relationship. Guess I didn't explain it well.
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