Moving decision - head or heart?

[pinkytoe]

Six years ago, we left family and friends behind to retire to Colorado which was a place we dreamed of living for many years. It was a grand adventure for us a year in and then...we found out we were to become grandparents to twins back in Texas. They are four now and will be our only grandchildren. We began the process of moving back to Texas. Then came two years of Covid and stupid real estate prices. Here we are three years later still pondering whether to move or not.

Everything about Texas is distasteful - the brutal summers, the weird politics, the over-priced real estate and property taxes. Though healthy now, we must face the reality of growing older. The 1600 mile trip by car will become more difficult as we get older. Our house is very comfortable and updated but larger than we need and multi-storied. The only reason at this point to return ends up being family but that pull is inexplicably strong. We find ourselves very emotional over missing that special bond. The other grandparents are just miles away from the grand-twins and have become the ones they spend holidays and weekends with so I imagine we will always be the "others" but still...

The reasons for staying seem to be mostly about finances and comfort. Here, we own our house free and clear and somehow manage to save several thousand a month. Property taxes are very affordable. We can splurge on things or save. The weather is much more agreeable. I have grown to love the flora and fauna here and the mountains never fail to amaze. Without family though, it does not feel like home.

This hard decision continually weighs on our minds. It comes down to choosing love/family over practical matters. We need to pull this off before winter if we are going to do it this year. Thoughts?

[frugal-one]

I can totally relate. We are in the process of cleaning out and fixing up the house to sell. We have only one grandchild but will not be moving closer since the mother of the child is the spawn of the devil. We rarely see the grandchild (only a few times per year) so it makes no sense to stay here (4 hours away) in the miserable north. We are thinking of living part of the year in a retirement community in the Rio Grande area of TX and coming north for the summer??? Where we live now has never been home. There is no one here for us and have to drive to do anything of value. We need to find a home to age-in-place and have some sense of community. We have no other family to speak of.

I think if we had kids that would welcome us being closer, I would consider that option. Could you live in a community that is less expensive in TX (perhaps a retirement community)? Would you consider leaving the hot of TX in the summer? What would you do if you were suddenly widowed? Would you still stay in Colorado? I guess that is the most "practical" matter... what would you do if you were alone???

[catherine]

Well... I can certainly relate, having followed 3 of my 4 kids to VT. Of course, we always loved Vermont so that made it a no-brainer. I still have 2 grands and a son/DIL in NJ.

I love the title of the thread because it often does come down to head vs heart. My high school yearbook editors selected picture captions in our 1970 yearbook that they picked from songs of the day. For me, they picked a lyric from the theme song of Alfie: "When you walk let your heart lead the way." I was humbled by that, and frankly, that's how I've made most of my decisions in life.

I think frugal-one asks good questions. Another one is, where will you wake up in the morning and say to yourself, "I'm so lucky to be here!"

[happystuff]

If you are able to "save several thousand a month", maybe stay where you are but go visit every 2-3 months (or decided on a number) for maybe 2 weeks at a time?

[Tybee]

If you are able to "save several thousand a month", maybe stay where you are but go visit every 2-3 months (or decided on a number) for maybe 2 weeks at a time?

Or what if you rented a place in Texas for a year and went back and forth, or kept your place in colorado for the year to see if you really want to be back in Texas? If you are saving that money, you could rent a place and keep your options open to see what it was like, if it felt right to be back and if it felt better than being in Colorado.

[Simplemind]

I always lead with my head but find a way to appease my heart. If I was saving that kind of money I would stay put and start a travel fund. As the kids get older they can also come to you. I love my kids but day in and day out I would have to also love where I lived. There are so many ways to stay connected these days. Plus I'm always up for a trip.

[JaneV2.0]

...
I think frugal-one asks good questions. Another one is, where will you wake up in the morning and say to yourself, "I'm so lucky to be here!"

I say that to myself every morning, but for different reasons. ;)

Logic-based decisions I've made have generally broken bad, so I'm a fan of following one's instincts whenever possible.

[Yppej]

Are you sure they will stay in Texas? What if you move to be near them and then they move?

[iris lilies]

But didn’t you like living in Austin when you lived there? If you truly mean that the state of Texas is distasteful, then to me that would be your answer. But also I didn’t think you like Colorado all that much either.

There’s no way I would live in a place that I found distasteful. For me the deciding factors of “distasteful” would be topography and weather. Politics would be less important because, well, most of that is just not an infringement on my daily life. Besides I lived for decades in a place where I basically disagreed with the politics and it didn’t kill me.

Our friends in their early 80s go to visit their only grandchild periodically, a 5 Hour drive away. They stay in the same Airbnb just down the block from where the grandson and his parents live. That is a nice arrangement because it’s like they’re coming home to the same place each time.

What is a comfortable drive for you?? Four hours? Five hours? For me it’s no more than six hours. So could you pinpoint a radius of 4-6 hour drive from your daughter? Are any of those places tenable to live? Prices are high everywhere, though. But Austin is in the stratosphere.

[pinkytoe]

Austin is definitely out of the question. Loved it but could no longer afford the taxes. The TX town we are considering is two hours away from DD and family which is do-able. I pinch myself that I made my dream to move here come true - I love being here save for the frightening windstorms. So that is why it is so hard to decide what to do. I don't really want to live in TX again. No possibility they will move from TX - SIL is apron string-tied to his parents there.

[Teacher Terry]

Where do you want to live if you outlive your husband? If you decided not to move back you could fly or take the train instead of driving. Some of my Wisconsin friends wanted me to move back after the divorce but I love it here. I love my kids, friends and the weather.

[rosarugosa]

What about doing something like Frugal-one is planning, and buy a mobile home in a retirement or over-55 community in TX as a second home?

[catherine]

I pinch myself that I made my dream to move here come true - I love being here....

I don't know. That sounds like the answer. It sounds like issue is, how to be sure that you can be part of your grandkids' lives in a meaningful way--not should you move to be with them (and not really "with them"--two hours away).

When I think about my relationships with the elders that I loved, it was all about that really trite phrase "quality time, not quantity time." A couple of weeks a year even--either you going there or them going coming up to see "grandma and grandpa" can become wonderful, life-changing memories. Colorado is a wonderful place for kids to go to for summer vacations.

So if the grandkids are the only reason you would move back, and you love Colorado, I'm in the camp of setting up nice budget for visits, and for hosting the kids/grandkids in Colorado.

[Tybee]

Yes, when you say, "I love being here," and "I hate the idea of going back to Texas," it makes me worried for your happiness if you do sell the place in Colorado and move back to Texas. But you have a very legitimate need and desire to have the grandchildren know you are in their lives and get to see them more often. Is there a way to accomplish that, maybe go part of the year and rent an air b n b, or make six trips a year for two weeks at a time, or something like that?

We are trying to figure out how to see my son in another state and those grandchildren way more often, so I totally get where you are coming from. Your heart is divided, it sounds like.

[jp1]

As I mentioned on rob’s thread about libraries when I was growing up my favorite aunt regularly had me for visits without the rest of my family (occasionally my sister also came but she spent much of the time with our cousins of a different aunt/uncle). I will forever remember fondly the time spent with my aunt. And it was easy because we lived about 5 hours away so my parents would drive me halfway and then I’d get in my aunt’s car to go the rest of the way. Colorado to texas is a bigger trip and would likely need airplanes and all the complication of kids traveling alone by plane, but you could work that out and then have them for visits where you could be a part of their lives. And they would get the benefit of learning how to do stuff like travel independently and be away from their parents for a period of time. Finding some sort of inexpensive way of being in Texas part of the time isnt a bad idea but it’s also not the only idea.

[pinkytoe]

I sometimes imagine they might enjoy having the Colorado connection as I did growing up - a way to escape the stifling Texas summers. We are headed to the high country for a few days and will revisit this whole business when we get back. Leaning more and more, especially with the uncertainty of the economy right now, that it might not even be a good time to move anyway.

[sweetana3]

Small point: Are you assuming you will have a big significant part in the grandkids life if you move 2 hours away in TX? This will add another layer of timing to the activities that the kids have with parents and another set of grandparents who live very close. Will you be the one traveling every time to see their games, to be at their birthdays, and what about holidays? A two hour drive done more than a couple of times is LONG (for us anyway). Who will host the holidays and will you two be traveling all the time? And kids change over time and often do not like being required to travel often to others homes over and over again.

We lived in Alaska and saw our grandparents seldomly, but I sure remember the times they came and stayed for longer than a couple of days. We did fun things and I got to know them. Memories were created. This was during the days where we could not Facetime with people to extend the relationships when they were not around.