View Full Version : Would you acknowleged some one who you used to know if you saw them pan-handling?
I have been hauling my new horse Cooper to my trainer 2 to 3 days a week for lessons. as I come off the interstate, there is a man pan handling and playing a guitar who resembles some one who I had a very complicated and stormy relationship off and on for over 20 years, I have not seen/spoke him since May of 2000. I am very reluctant to see if it is really truly him but sure looks like him... He was very irresponsible,, parents bailing him out all of the time played guitar looks just like him just that much older and worned out Today he made eye contact with me and he could not miss the truck and horse trailer ( although a much bigger one than when he saw me last) his eyes did light up and he waved
Part of me says yes... but then part of me says no but what if it is him.... I don't have the need to be drug down a huge black hole and somehow feel obligated to take him in and feed him/ give him money I am married now and I have the life I have always wanted I knew along time ago that I could never have my life's dream if I stayed THoughts? What would you do?
Circumstances such as these can be trying and challenging, but you are married now and have established yourself in life and in love, so I see no harm in acknowledging him. My heart goes out to troubled people and those down on their luck, and I never forget to remind myself "what if", what if it were me...
There's something else that plays into situations such as this, that being regret. I'm not attempting to persuade you into doing something you are uncomfortable with or uneasy with, but let's just say he got sick and passed away and later you found out all he really wanted was to feel the warmth of you acknowledging him again because he had no one else. Just a lonely and sad and broken man with little to look forward to, wishing someone (anyone) would say hello and give him a warm wave. Maybe that someone is you?
I'm one of those types that would (if I could) take in every hurting soul in this world and provide them with care, love, and happiness. Why not make his day (and maybe even his life) and acknowledge him. He's still a person and still has feelings. I know in speaking for myself, life is simply too short to harvest animosity, bitterness, hard feelings, and resentment. You seem like a good person Boss Mare and although you ultimately have the last say in the matter, do consider (and think about) what I have said.
It sounds as if this particular relationship was so complex and intertwined that everyone involved would be best off if you limited yourself to a casual wave as you go by. Casual wave in response to his wave is polite whether the person is a stranger or is the one you used to know. Any more than that is asking for trouble because of the difficult previous relationship you described.
goldensmom
6-23-11, 8:09am
Acknowledge him with a hand wave and nod of the head. Simply acknowledging does not mean take him in or start up a relationship. As Reader99 said, it is polite to wave whether you know the person or not.
loosechickens
6-23-11, 3:29pm
Well, I would probably stop and talk to the person, and if it was the person I'd known, connect in a human way, have empathy for his situation, and honor the fact that we'd had a long history together, even if we have both moved on in our lives.
But then, I'm a person who doesn't have trouble setting boundaries, would be able to acknowledge that past human connection and wish the person well without feeling as though I had to "rescue" him, and my past relationships haven't usually been really what could be described as "complicated" or "stormy", so given that, plus the fact that you somehow think that to acknowledge him would be to risk feeling as though you had to give him a place to live, feed him and give him money, probably best to see if you can figure out another route to get where you are going for awhile if you think this person has kind of "set up shop" at this intersection.
I guess the one thing I wouldn't do would be to keep going by on some regular basis, if I wasn't going to interact in some way, and if it becomes clear that this guy IS the person you think he is. Somehow, it seems more hurtful to me to know it's someone I used to know, down on their luck (still, if this is a long going problem, which it seems it is), and just driving on by, enjoying my life, without at least acknowledging the past we shared, and wishing him well.
So.....after all that, given what you've said, I vote with the ones who say don't get involved again, and avoid running into the guy if possible if you can and go on with your life, while wishing him well in your heart, but recognizing the pattern of your past relationship and seeing that it's probably not a good thing to risk involvement again........
I would wave and keep on driving, but I'm the type who leaves the past in the past. Exes occasionally try to reach out and I always ignore.
How would you want to be treated if the positions were reversed?
Just a casual nod of the head to acknowledge but sends a message that says "I prefer that you keep your distance".
Although I'm not 100% certain that I feel this way, I lean towards agreeing with those who suggest not having a conversation with him. There's a reason that he's part of your past and not part of your current life, and it sounds like the problems that moved him out of your present (back in 2000) life still exist in his life, at least on some level.
Like most people, I suppose, I've been amazed to watch the trajectories of some of the people who've come through my life. Some people have managed to overcome major obstacles and truly succeed, but there are some who've also managed to fail despite seemingly having had the "wind in their sails" as loosechickens likes to say. One person in particular, hardworking, very talented, became a crystal meth head, got arrested by the DEA for dealing and is now paralyzed because he stopped taking his HIV meds and contracted lymphoma that resulted in him becoming paralyzed because he had a tumor inside his spinal column, comes to mind. I got a bulk email from him letting me know of his latest health issues about a month ago. I responded that I was sorry to hear of this misfortune, but that I was glad to know that he apparently had someone who was willing to care for him. I did not, however, offer any particular help or make any effort to reach out further. One of the reasons we gradually drifted apart was that I don't need drama and his (much less serious than now) drama was very tiring to me. Getting re-involved in his life now would be drama magnified to the tenth power compared to what it was before. No thank you.
acknowledge, yes. support financially, rekindle any form of relationship, etc, no.
i truly hate to reiterate my most favorite line from A Christmas Carol, but "are there no prisons? are there no workhouses?" by which I mean, i give to specific charities that support people who are homeless or struggling making ends meet (food banks, clothing banks, even places that can help pay for heat and power).
if the person is someone whom I know and like, then I may speak with them and see how i can more actively help them (help them find work or find work for them around my place for example), or help them connect to local resources (such as the food bank).
but if the relationship is stormy and ultimately harmful in a way, then I would steer clear of it. Hence, are there no prisons, no workhouses?
Don't be drawn into the scrooginess too much, but ol' Eb did have a point. can't save everyone.
If he is playing guitar for money he is busking, not pan-handling, and may not be in terrible shape.
If he is playing guitar for money he is busking, not pan-handling, and may not be in terrible shape.
Oh I don't know. if you are a serious busker you don't stand by the side of the interstate with cars whizzing by. You play in a place where you have some hope of getting customers who will hear you. Driving by in a car just means that people see you but don't really hear much. I'm far more likely to toss a quarter into someone's guitar case than I am to give money to some unknown who sidles up to my car at an intersection. One is industrious, the other is threatening.
Well, I would probably stop and talk to the person, and if it was the person I'd known, connect in a human way, have empathy for his situation, and honor the fact that we'd had a long history together, even if we have both moved on in our lives.
....
what she said ... and think of his panhandling as his job. if you saw him working at the fast food place where you buy coffee, you wouldn't think you had to rescue him. you would just say hi and acknowledge that you knew him. and then go on with your lives. and maybe not buy coffee there again if you don't like seeing him very often.
How would you want to be treated if the positions were reversed?
Well, if it were me sitting on the side of the road, destitute/panhandling, I'd want the person to stop, take me out for a meal, give me some money, and maybe more. But that does not mean it's the best thing for the person driving by.
The golden rule is an ideal, but not always the best for everyone involved. Not all relationships are equal, and some are better left in the past. Do what you wish of course, but if it were me, I might wave or nod, then go on my way keeping my personal boundries intact. And next time, if it's not too much further, travel another way home.
This reminds me of the old song about the tender-hearted woman who took in the damaged/sick snake. After nursing it back to health, the snake turned and bit her. She was surprised, and snake reminded the now dying woman that she knew he was a snake when she took him in.
boss mare
6-30-11, 12:58am
I had just typed out a long response and I must have timed out because it said that I was not logged in any more when I wnet to post it...UGH I hate that
Sorry that I have taken so long to get back here
Some clarifications.. Where I saw him was on an off ramp on a major interstate on the west coast And this was on a stretch that is pretty rural and the only reason that it has much traffic at all is because there is a truck stop just a few hundred yards away from the off ramp. So it was not like he was on a downtown street corner
The reason I am reluctant to make contact with him is that he has always been very defensive/bitter about people who have gone on and have bettered themsleves or to appear that way. His has been very resentful/bitter about his younger brother who is very sucessful. In the 20 years we were off and on, I have never met his family ( This was a very strange relationship) so I only got his version of the family dynamics
I have made alot better choices in the 11 years since we last spoke I have an very very well maintained but older rig ( paid for ) that looks alot newer that is really is and I was afraid that he would be defensive if he saw me in it... And then if I were to pull over and talk to him to catch up ... much less offer him any kind of assistance
ETA I have been now going another way.. It is 15 mlies out of my way but at this time I think that it is best
Well, if it were me sitting on the side of the road, destitute/panhandling, I'd want the person to stop, take me out for a meal, give me some money, and maybe more. But that does not mean it's the best thing for the person driving by.
The golden rule is an ideal, but not always the best for everyone involved. Not all relationships are equal, and some are better left in the past. Do what you wish of course, but if it were me, I might wave or nod, then go on my way keeping my personal boundries intact. And next time, if it's not too much further, travel another way home.
This reminds me of the old song about the tender-hearted woman who took in the damaged/sick snake. After nursing it back to health, the snake turned and bit her. She was surprised, and snake reminded the now dying woman that she knew he was a snake when she took him in.
The song that reminds me of this is Taxi By Harry Chapin
And she handed me 20 dollars for a 2.50 fare and said " Harry keep the change"
Well, another man might have been angry
Another man might have been hurt
Another man never would have let her go
I stashed the bill in my shirt
And she walked away in silence,
It's strange how you never know
But we both got what we asked for
Such a long, long time ago
Anyone who has heard the whole song will understand why this has hit me so hard.. This song has been our life We would split up for 2-3 years at a time and then run into each other at the most oddest of places
I sold my house where I used to live ( and we both grew up in that area) over 9 years ago and moved over 100 miles away... so to run into him (again) in the most oddest of places is rather disconcerting
And in case anyone was wondering who is familar with this song... I am not "acting" happy I am happy where I am now... However I would love to see the look on his face if we were to talk and catch up... That I had worked in a children's dental office and not only fired a gun but got my concealed weapons permit Children and guns both made me very very uncomfortable ... ( Koi and chickens also make me uncomfortable but that is another story for another day LOL)
Thank you for the update BM. I hope all continues to go well for you and you find happiness, peace, and contentment in your choices.
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