Holidays with the in-laws - history repeats itself

[pinkytoe]

A little rant on Christmas Eve...When my kiddo was little, I came to resent the fact that we had to spend every single holiday with my in-laws. Pile all the presents in the car, drive an hour, spend the night, go to their church, do their traditions and come home exhausted. DH always caved to his parents wishes year after year. And now, I see DD going through the exact same thing with her in-laws. Pile all the presents in the car, drive to their house, spend the night, etc...I once told her that it is good to have your own family traditions but here we go again.

[bae]

It is a great relief to be divorced. My daughter flies in from the UK for the holidays, we hang out and bake, my parents and sister live within 10 miles, all is good. Daughter refuses to interact with her Mom much on holidays, or most any days really.

It used to be really horrible when we had:

- my Mom in San Diego or New Mexico
- my Dad in Palm Springs
- ex-wife's Dad in Michigan
- ex-wife's Mom in Colorado
- us in Washington

Holidays were always this stress-and-guilt-fueled trainwreck about who went where.

[pinkytoe]

I figure we are sparing DD from having to see both sets of families on holidays since we live so far away. I always felt badly that my mom got the secondary obligatory visit as the in-laws always came first. Family obligations can be so stress and guilt inducing.

[iris lilies]

I can’t remember any single Christmas where we did exactly the same thing, except stay home. I spent far more Christmases in my own home than visiting anyone else. Early in our marriage we went to my in-laws which is a 7 Hour up into the snowy North, but I hated traveling then when you never knew when the weather was gonna be on your side and I stopped going.

I didn’t mind if DH wanted to spend Christmas with his parents some of the time. We aren’t joined at the hip and we can do things separately—some years.

Once a while I would tell him that I wanted him to stay home for Christmas and that was fine with him.

But yes, these people who require the same routine be carried out every year are very tiresome. My in-laws never required anyone to be at their house, they understood that their married children might have other plans.

My sister-in-law piled presents into the car with her four children and husband every year to make a 4 Hour Dr. to her parents’ house. I once asked her if she didn’t want to stay home sometimes and she said no, she liked the adventure of driving through the snowy winter to grandparents house. So you never know.

[iris lilies]

Pinkytoe, your daughter may not dislike it, like my sister-in-law likes going to her parents house even with all of her kids. If she does dislike it then she needs to change the routine, she has power in her life.

I could envision a scenario for your daughter where it’s easier to pile kids and just a few presents into the car and go to the in-laws rather than be the host for a big shindig.

[bae]

But yes, these people who require the same routine be carried out every year are very tiresome.

That was always The Absolute Worst. The idea that there were rituals cast-in-stone that had to be performed every year was so oppressive.

[catherine]

Yeah, we wound up doing the same kind of routine with MIL, but for Christmas we always stayed home, thank God, and MIL and BIL came to visit year after year. Once or twice I got my mother to come, and I sincerely regret I didn't insist she come more often. I was definitely pulled along on the in-law train for all holidays and vacations, and I do have twinges of resentment that it didn't leave me time for my own family or origin. I should have pushed more.

So, now, DH is taking on the role of his mother and really "encourages" everyone to be with us. I try to preemptively absolve any sense of obligation on the part of daughters- and son-in-law, having been in their shoes.

Last night we were supposed have three couples, BIL, three children and two dogs here for dinner and overnight--In our house!! 700 cramped square feet in the freezing cold! DS was planning to sleep outside in his uninsulated camper, which DH was alright with! I put my foot down on that one. Luckily it was so extremely cold and nasty, only DD/DSIL/DGS/DDoggies made it up here for dinner. But we are planning to have the rest of the crew for dinner today.

In any case, I wish everyone a Merry Christmas, no matter what your routine might be!

[Teacher Terry]

In my family once you had kids Xmas was at your house and parents came to you . My family believed kids should be in their house. My in-laws lived 1k miles away and we did take the train there for Xmas once but went yearly for thanksgiving until the kids were in school. After that my husband would go for 2 weeks at thanksgiving to deer hunt. Because it was a second marriage for both since their spouses had died my mil hosted in her house for all the kids so didn’t come to us at Xmas time which was fine.

I have no grandchildren and each year is different now. My Dil used to like hosting even though she works all the holidays. But since her brain surgery 5 years ago it took a toll on her stamina and she wants me to host. This year husband 2 came with his wife for a week and I cooked twice and he took us to a fancy restaurant one night and paid. They always stay in a hotel. I think you need to be flexible.

[iris lilies]

Agreed, Terry, flexibilty is key. Probably the best Holiday tradition is to, each year, decide within your own household how you will spend holidays and then communicate that to affected persons.

[Teacher Terry]

Ex 2 called me in the summer to ask if I was staying home for Xmas because he was sick of spending every year with his wife’s family. Now that she has dementia he is in charge. A month before they came I had the kids over and asked my Dil if she preferred that I cook because if so I wanted to shop and plan ahead of time.

In the past I would plan with just her but then would hear from my son she was unhappy with the plan. I think it’s a cultural thing since she is a great person but she’s from Poland. she just agrees to whatever she thinks I want. Now any plans are done in person with the 3 of us present. Actually I prefer not to cook.

[jp1]

For most of the past eight years since my father passed away we’ve spent thanksgiving in San Diego with my sister and Christmas in St. Louis with SO’s family. 2020 was an exception because of covid. We didn’t go anywhere either holiday that year. This year for various reasons we didn’t go anywhere for either holiday and have had lots of quiet time home alone. In 2020 SO was not happy about the situation. This year he was totally fine with it and happily cooked nice meals for thanksgiving and Christmas Eve. I’m not sure if he was happier because we had made the decision not to travel this year versus it being the result of a pandemic outside our control two years ago or if he’s just mellowing out into someone more willing to just chill at home as he ages. Whatever the cause I’ll take it. While I like my sister and her wife and SO’s family, not having to deal with the stress of flying on some of the busiest travel days of the year and being able to spend a lot of time just relaxing at home not working has made this one of the best holiday seasons for me in recent memory.

[catherine]

So, I'm sure no one missed me here, but I have been in absentia for a week. OMG, for an introvert with an extreme need for lots of quiet time, this week threw the machine into full tilt. It was wonderful, of course, to see my children and grandchildren every day, but there was drama woven in, and truly not one hour I could claim for myself.

So now I'm back at home in my little office, and I'm silently hoping I can eke out 24 hours of quiet time before New Year's.

It was a wonderful Christmas with everyone to be sure, despite some unhappy family news with regard to the health of one of my kids' relationships, but it was so, so great to have the family all together in full support, embracing their sibling/in-law with love and understanding.

[iris lilies]

All I did this past week was hunker down with my new cat and enjoy her. I don’t think I left the house for days during that cold snap.My cat is soooooo very delicious in her fat chubbieness, I just want to eat her up. She follows me like a dog. When I get up in the night to use the bathroom, she goes with me, then we go back to bed. She doesn’t get up in the morning until I do. She toddlers behind me when I go to bed.

[Tybee]

Kittens, children, and grandchildren sound great to me! Glad you are back, Catherine! IL, what a sweet little cat you've gotten!

[frugal-one]

All I did this past week was hunker down with my new cat and enjoy her. I don’t think I left the house for days during that cold snap.My cat is soooooo very delicious in her fat chubbieness, I just want to eat her up. She follows me like a dog. When I get up in the night to use the bathroom, she goes with me, then we go back to bed. She doesn’t get up in the morning until I do. She toddlers behind me when I go to bed.


I’m jealous!

[happystuff]

Spent the most of the week at home trying to get better. Finally got some antibiotics and went out to see some family yesterday. Most of the day was spent out-of-doors, so it worked out pretty well. Unfortunately, one of my kids home-tested covid positive this morning. Showing symptoms and went to get the other test - results in a day or two, hopefully. Based on symptoms, I think it is definitely covid. So far, no one else has tested positive.

[rosarugosa]

Catherine: I noticed that you had been quiet lately. Glad you are back!
IL: Your new cat sounds delightful. Our older cat Oggie is a really snuggly lap cat.
Happy: Sorry to hear that your kid is sick.