View Full Version : Wedding Etiquette Question
So, my son is getting married mid-June. Save-the-dates were sent out in January and invitations were sent out in March. It's a small venue so I only asked my son/DIL to invite about 18 people on my side of the family. There were about 8 other people I would have liked to invite. Of those 18 people 7 have declined.
I assumed that that might be the case and I was ready to invite the "B list" in their place... for instance, my brother can't travel from the Midwest because of health reasons, so I thought I would offer his places to two of his children, whom I haven't seen since the 90s. I have 3 cousins who can't go, so I was going to ask my cousin who IS going if she would like to invite her daughter and SIL. Things like that.
Is that gauche? Is there a way to present it so it doesn't sound like they are the "b list"? I had no qualms about doing this until my daughter told me that she thought it was a bit insulting to the late invitees.
What say you?
So, my son is getting married mid-June. Save-the-dates were sent out in January and invitations were sent out in March. It's a small venue so I only asked my son/DIL to invite about 18 people on my side of the family. There were about 8 other people I would have liked to invite. Of those 18 people 7 have declined.
I assumed that that might be the case and I was ready to invite the "B list" in their place... for instance, my brother can't travel from the Midwest because of health reasons, so I thought I would offer his places to two of his children, whom I haven't seen since the 90s. I have 3 cousins who can't go, so I was going to ask my cousin who IS going if she would like to invite her daughter and SIL. Things like that.
Is that gauche? Is there a way to present it so it doesn't sound like they are the "b list"? I had no qualms about doing this until my daughter told me that she thought it was a bit insulting to the late invitees.
What say you?
Wow, I have no idea. I would have been inclined to do as you said, but your daughter has such a good point, and I never thought of that. Hmm. I'll be interested to hear what everyone thinks.
Apparently this is a thing, the b-list concept:
This Is How to Invite a B-List Guest Without Offending Them (theknot.com) (https://www.theknot.com/content/how-to-invite-a-b-list-guest-to-your-wedding-without-being-rude#:~:text=How%20to%20Invite%20a%20B-List%20Guest%20to%20Your,long.%20...%204%20Remembe r%20your%20RSVP%20date.%20)
happystuff
4-24-23, 9:42am
Since it is family, how would the kids take it if you said something along the lines of "The guest list is very limited and we invited your dad, but since he can't come, would you like to represent your side of the family?" - something to that effect.
Since it is family, how would the kids take it if you said something along the lines of "The guest list is very limited and we invited your dad, but since he can't come, would you like to represent your side of the family?" - something to that effect.
I think that's a great approach, happy!
Tybee: thanks for that link! That helps.
Since it is family, how would the kids take it if you said something along the lines of "The guest list is very limited and we invited your dad, but since he can't come, would you like to represent your side of the family?" - something to that effect.
I think this would be the better way. Are the cousins local or would they have to travel to the wedding? Seems kinda weird to me that you haven’t seen them since the 90s and then suddenly invite them to the wedding. It would seem like a gift grab to me, unless you explained about the one relative not being able to make it.
I think this would be the better way. Are the cousins local or would they have to travel to the wedding? Seems kinda weird to me that you haven’t seen them since the 90s and then suddenly invite them to the wedding. It would seem like a gift grab to me, unless you explained about the one relative not being able to make it.
Yes, it does seem strange to invite nieces/nephews out of the blue.. but it really is to represent the MN folks, who I LOVE. We are friends on FB and keep in touch that way. I am so sad my brother can't come, but I really would love for my kids to get to know their cousins better. My kids have expressed the same desire... so this would be one way to start
Whatever you do, don't do what my brother did when his son got married. His wife emailed me and wanted everyone's full name and addresses, ostensibly to send wedding invitations or at least announcements, while stating it was a destination wedding and they were keeping it small, and then never sent any announcements, after we sent gifts. It was really icky. My husband said it felt like we weren't good enough to invite, and knowing my brother, that is probably the case...
catherine
4-24-23, 10:32am
Whatever you do, don't do what my brother did when his son got married. His wife emailed me and wanted everyone's full name and addresses, ostensibly to send wedding invitations or at least announcements, while stating it was a destination wedding and they were keeping it small, and then never sent any announcements, after we sent gifts. It was really icky. My husband said it felt like we weren't good enough to invite, and knowing my brother, that is probably the case...
Wow.. that is a faux pas!
iris lilies
4-24-23, 10:41am
Whatever you do, don't do what my brother did when his son got married. His wife emailed me and wanted everyone's full name and addresses, ostensibly to send wedding invitations or at least announcements, while stating it was a destination wedding and they were keeping it small, and then never sent any announcements, after we sent gifts. It was really icky. My husband said it felt like we weren't good enough to invite, and knowing my brother, that is probably the case...
Would any of you have gone to this destination wedding? I think destination weddings are the stupidest thing UNLESS they happen to be in an exotic or interesting place I would like to visit. But for U.S. couples they are almost always in some generic Caribbean setting.
A few years ago one of our friends was engaged to a Korean man, and I envisioned going to her wedding. I would’ve been into that. But that engagement broke off, so I never got the opportunity.
I would love to go to an Indian wedding in India.
I think we might have tried to make the effort, since we are a very small family. Although my sons invited that brother and his wife to their weddings, and he did not come, saying that he could not afford to fly there. (He is a multi-millionaire, and godfather to one of the sons.)
He is an odd guy, and does not seem to think very highly of us. He has also taught his kids to mock us, which hurt at the time, but you get over it.
What do your son and his fiancee want to do? What are they comfortable doing?
What do your son and his fiancee want to do? What are they comfortable doing?
She has a really big family, so she's had a B-list since day 1 and the guest list is 2/3rds on her side. We agreed that each "no" goes to the relevant family for replacement. My son really wants to invite his cousin in place of my brother. As far as the 2nd cousin, he is fine with me inviting them but doesn't care either way.
Yes, it does seem strange to invite nieces/nephews out of the blue.. but it really is to represent the MN folks, who I LOVE. We are friends on FB and keep in touch that way. I am so sad my brother can't come, but I really would love for my kids to get to know their cousins better. My kids have expressed the same desire... so this would be one way to start
I think happystuff's suggestion is great. Honestly, by a certain age, I think most people understand that most people getting married have to deal with limiting their guest lists and that it's never easy. I suspect your brother's kids will be very touched by the invitation even if they can't make it.
I hope you can invite the cousins and they can come!
catherine
4-30-23, 10:02am
Yeah, I'm still on the fence about it.. It would be a big commitment in terms of then feeling I have to host them with more attentiveness than everyone else because they've never been up here and they don't know their family--I would have to make sure they are not left alone at the table, stuff like that.. But if it works out it would be so worth it.
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