View Full Version : Helping a friend go declutter dead parents’ home
The past month, I’ve been spending an hour here and there helping a friend clean out her parents’ home. She’s my age (mid-50s) and parents were early 80s. I offered to help go through paperwork as I read fast and it allows me to sit down (bad knees). Her parents got married in the mid-1960s. They had checkbook registers and cancelled checks from when they first got married to when they died. Every single utility bill they ever had. Old church bulletins, every weekly one for decades. And so on. Friend’s mother REFUSED to get rid of anything, said the kids got to take care of it after she was gone (father died first). All of these paper records were neatly filed in boxes, but there is so much of it! Once the boxes have been gone through, friend will cart them to a place that does shredding. Worth the money to her. Why is everything being gone through? Her parents had a history of squirreling lots of cash away, hidden in random places.
iris lilies
6-12-23, 2:07pm
Oh that’s awful when you have to touch every piece of paper in a 60 year accumulation in case there’s cash buried there.
littlebittybobby
6-12-23, 2:12pm
Okay----Mwwwhahahahahahaaaa! Seriously, though---just figure that when you find a lucky stash, you can order out for pizza. Yup.
Ugh, reminds me of when ex-MIL died. I told my daughters (cleaning out the house afterwards) that they had better shake out every one of her cookbooks (there were many) because that's where she hid money from grandpa. Then she'd forget about it.
You're doing the right thing. Be sure to look through all books and under and behind drawers, etc.
frugal-one
6-12-23, 6:48pm
Our auction is next week Tuesday. It has been a challenge to go through everything. It is surprising what accumulates. I never thought of us as pack rats but there is a lot of stuff needed just to live. Told the kid he should be happy we are doing this now and not leaving it for him. Don't think he gets it. He says he is sad we are leaving the home he grew up in. Too bad.... it is time to be where we will be planted. I'm thankful not to have to go through all this stuff alone and look forward to starting over. We are taking very little with us. DH has music and a few tools. I have reference books and a few kitchen items. I think it will be freeing not to have so much! I know I loved living in a mobile home and just having what we need....everything in place and nothing extraneous! Will plan a celebratory getaway when we are settled!
It seems that this is what a lot of Amish do. They hold an auction and sell almost everything. Then they move and set up again. Probably helps that they need less than the English do to set up a house.
It seems that this is what a lot of Amish do. They hold an auction and sell almost everything. Then they move and set up again. Probably helps that they need less than the English do to set up a house.
The Swedes and Norwegians did this in Michigan where we used to live. The English just seemed to buy bigger and bigger houses, even past the age of 70.
Teacher Terry
6-12-23, 10:17pm
People with kids do them a big favor by downsizing their crap. One of my 3 mil’s hid money in pockets of her clothes so all that had to be checked. My parents got rid of their junk and I have done the same.,
People with kids do them a big favor by downsizing their crap. One of my 3 mil’s hid money in pockets of her clothes so all that had to be checked. My parents got rid of their junk and I have done the same.,
Yeah, that is very nice of you, although it can get questionable as to what is junk, both to the parents and kids.
I am still annoyed my mom gave her white Featherweight to someone in the area who asked for it.
Posted about this on my frugality group on FB as there is much talk about decluttering. Some of the responses were astonishing. People who said they’d done enough for their kids and they’d be damned if they got rid of anything to make it easier when they were gone. Others who said it would be cruel and callous to mention anything to their parents about cleaning out the unneeded stuff. And yet others said it would be an “honor” to clean out their parents’ home, even if parent was a hoarder. These last are frankly IMO messed up. You’re looking forward to cleaning that crap out?
People definitely have weird relationships to stuff. I borrowed the Swedish Death Cleaning ebook from my library.
Because I am currently cleaning out the last of my parents' belongings, I get where all these people are coming from--it just depends, how you are going to feel. Like I am this morning burning some of their papers, and seeing my dad's handwriting on some stock document tore at my heart. It's grief. You can't judge another person's grief, I don't think.
But like you say, it is better to deal with this stuff in advance as much as possible, and a hoarding situation is definitely one to get help with, such as you are so kindly doing from your friend. I liked the Swedish death cleaning book very much. She advocates downsizing your stuff at the end, yourself, which I think is fabulous advice. But if you are like my mother, with dementia, that is not going to be happening without help from someone else.
It's just the hand you are dealt, I think.
Because I am currently cleaning out the last of my parents' belongings, I get where all these people are coming from--it just depends, how you are going to feel. Like I am this morning burning some of their papers, and seeing my dad's handwriting on some stock document tore at my heart. It's grief. You can't judge another person's grief, I don't think.
But like you say, it is better to deal with this stuff in advance as much as possible, and a hoarding situation is definitely one to get help with, such as you are so kindly doing from your friend. I liked the Swedish death cleaning book very much. She advocates downsizing your stuff at the end, yourself, which I think is fabulous advice. But if you are like my mother, with dementia, that is not going to be happening without help from someone else.
It's just the hand you are dealt, I think.
These were all people talking about don’t have dead parents yet. All alive. The ones who’ve had to declutter were mostly a different matter. It’s like people who won’t talk about finances with elderly parents. Just stick your head in a hole in the ground.
When I go on decluttering and cleaning out sprees, I usually ask my DD if she wants anything I'm thinking of ditching. Most times she says no, but sometimes she asks me to either give her something or hold onto it until later. She wanted my high school yearbooks, for example. I have no idea why. I have my mom's featherweight, too, and do not use it. So I occasionally think about unloading it. She still wants me to keep it, ostensibly because DGD may want it. >8)
I just finished reading the Swedish Death Cleaning book, via ebook from the library. It was a quick read, but good.
When I go on decluttering and cleaning out sprees, I usually ask my DD if she wants anything I'm thinking of ditching. Most times she says no, but sometimes she asks me to either give her something or hold onto it until later. She wanted my high school yearbooks, for example. I have no idea why. I have my mom's featherweight, too, and do not use it. So I occasionally think about unloading it. She still wants me to keep it, ostensibly because DGD may want it. >8)
See, you roll your eyes, but that is exactly what I want to happen to my two Featherweights--I got my mom's black one, and my black one-- but I have three granddaughters. So now I need the white one...
I just finished reading the Swedish Death Cleaning book, via ebook from the library. It was a quick read, but good.
One of the tips she gave that I really liked was to either sell heirloom jewelry when you had more than one grandchild or to make duplicates for the others. That is a question that has bothered me, as I got two rings from my grandmother, but I have three granddaughters.
iris lilies
6-14-23, 9:19am
See, you roll your eyes, but that is exactly what I want to happen to my two Featherweights--I got my mom's black one, and my black one-- but I have three granddaughters. So now I need the white one...
Ok, but in my value system, then Kay’s daughter takes and stores the featherweight sewing machine “in case” her own daughter wants it.
if you lived closer, I would will my Singer featherweight machine to you, Tybee, so that you could pass it onto a granddaughter.
iris lilies
6-14-23, 9:25am
One of the tips she gave that I really liked was to either sell heirloom jewelry when you had more than one grandchild or to make duplicates for the others. That is a question that has bothered me, as I got two rings from my grandmother, but I have three granddaughters.
But surely YOU have a nice ring or two that you could pass on to make that third heirloom!
Speaking of heirlooms, I got an email message from my brother with an attached photo of a chair. On the bottom of the chair was written “this chair made by Simon Waltz Aunt Lottie’s father.” My brother is out of the loop and has no idea who “aunt Lottie is. “I had never heard of Waltz as a family name. My cousin was with my brother that day, and while my cousin is on the other side of the family and has no relation to this aunt Lottie person, he has interest in genealogy, so he kept asking me questions about it which forced me to sit down and go through the family tree to refresh my memory about aunt Lottie. She was an aunt by marriage and Waltz is not a family name for me. I don’t know why my brother has his chair and I do remember it from childhood, and while is it is a sturdy chair, It is ugly. Years ago my brother asked me if I wanted the chair but I did not want it.
Ok, but in my value system, then Kay’s daughter takes and stores the featherweight sewing machine “in case” her own daughter wants it.
if you lived closer, I would will my Singer featherweight machine to you, Tybee, so that you could pass it onto a granddaughter.
I have my great-aunt's Featherweight that she taught me how to sew on. I used it as a bookend in NJ. Now it's in the storage unit. My DD and DSIL appreciate things like this, so maybe someday they'll need a bookend.
Ok, but in my value system, then Kay’s daughter takes and stores the featherweight sewing machine “in case” her own daughter wants it.
if you lived closer, I would will my Singer featherweight machine to you, Tybee, so that you could pass it onto a granddaughter.
Aw, thank you, that is very sweet!
Here's what I think might happen tho: The poor featherweight will be something my daughter has to deal with someday when neither she nor my granddaughter sew and/or will want it.
I'm not worrying much about it.
Around here in the Midwest, Featherweights are going for around $500 and are an extremely easy sell. I have my Mom's 1953 that I learned to sew on and it is my backup and retreat machine. Lovley little thing that will never wear out.
Pardon my old bachelor naivety, but I did a quick google and am not sure what a featherweight is? I'm guessing it's either like a down comforter, or a quilt or both. I have a couple of family quits from some time ago that gets used as bed covers or lightweight blankets. I can't imagine some young person not having a little appreciation for those, some of them hand sewn.
Pardon my old bachelor naivety, but I did a quick google and am not sure what a featherweight is? I'm guessing it's either like a down comforter, or a quilt or both. I have a couple of family quits from some time ago that gets used as bed covers or lightweight blankets. I can't imagine some young person not having a little appreciation for those, some of them hand sewn.
Featherweight is a sewing machine. Think it’s meant to be lightweight and portable.
iris lilies
6-14-23, 9:41pm
Pardon my old bachelor naivety, but I did a quick google and am not sure what a featherweight is? I'm guessing it's either like a down comforter, or a quilt or both. I have a couple of family quits from some time ago that gets used as bed covers or lightweight blankets. I can't imagine some young person not having a little appreciation for those, some of them hand sewn.
hey Roger, there’s a group of women on this Simple Living website all of a certain age, and we have our mom’s Singer featherweight sewing machines.
The featherweight machines are in great demand because they sew a straight stitch easily and they’re fabulous for quilting. You probably know that quilting is a very big hobby right now. These little machines fold up into a handy carrying case so they’re portable.still, they are heavy because they’re made of metal and not plastic like contemporary sewing machines.
Teacher Terry
6-19-23, 9:24pm
Jewelry is nice to pass down but things like sewing machines are questionable. My mom sewed but my sister and I don’t. It went to the thrift store. When I got rid of stuff I asked my kids if they wanted it. If so they took it. Most people don’t want much of their parents stuff. They have their own.
I have known a few people that think they need to keep a bunch of their parents things but these tend to be people that have too much of their own stuff. I think they are trying to fill an emotional void. I don’t need things to remember my wonderful parents and my kids won’t either.
You are right, I definitely try to fill that void with some of their things, at least for now, but it won't last forever. I think the people who have way too much stuff get frozen in a moment in time and can't move on effectively. I also think it's something that is easier to do when younger. So you need to build into your life management strategy getting rid of things regularly to keep things flowing. Just my opinion.
Teacher Terry
6-21-23, 1:46am
I started to get rid of things when I was a social worker and my clients needed things. So as my kids outgrew their clothes and toys I gave them away and also old furniture we no longer needed. Then at 39 moving across the country with 5 people and a uhaul gave me the cure for collecting things as I had to part with so much. After that it became a habit to get rid of things.
I do have one or two things from my parents and a few friends that are gone. I kept the things that I like and bring happy memories.
The older I get the easier it is. I have had friends that couldn’t part with anything. It’s complicated and emotional for some. We all have things that trip us up. One of many challenges in life.
iris lilies
10-14-24, 11:37am
Just last fall I used my Singer Fewtherweight sewing machine to make doll clothes, and I plan to use it again soon for the same purpose. Very handy it is. I have several crafts projects planned for wintertime.
Just last fall I used my Singer Fewtherweight sewing machine to make doll clothes, and I plan to use it again soon for the same purpose. Very handy it is. I have several crafts projects planned for wintertime.
I need to get both of mine tuned up, actually. Mom's is in better shape than mine. I should give one to my daughter-in-law because the only machine they have is a new one I gave to granddaughter. Now they have two girls and one machine and it's causing issues.
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