View Full Version : Thanksgiving question
Hi all, wanted to run this scenario by the group and get your opinions. A few months ago, my son and I talked and he agreed to host Thanksgiving at his house, as it is pretty central for both sets of grandparents, and he wanted to get together with us for Thanksgiving. He said he would do it, and I was relieved, because the plans were set, and it would not involve any hardship for anyone to drive there. It was understood that we all wanted to be together at Thanksgiving.
Yesterday he informed me that dil talked to her mother and changed the plans so now Thanksgiving would be at the mil's house. He instantly wanted to know whether we planned to come. I was upset because I had been really looking forward to Thanksgiving at his house, which we did last year and was really fun. I had been happy to have it sorted out a few months ago. I said I was disappointed that their plans had changed, and not sure if we would be coming. It's a difficult drive to their house, over 2 hours through mountainy roads, and no bathrooms along the way--we are getting old and this is a problem for us. I told him that, feeling really old and infirm and embarrassed.
It bothered me they switched it, that we were now being told to adjust to going to these inlaws house, which we really don't want to do on a holiday, especially since the weather gets iffy around here. It's dumb but I'll be anxious the whole week going into it, worried about snow, as I don't want to cancel the day of, and I don't even want to go in the first place.
But if we don't go then we're by ourselves feeling lonely and let out, and we could have gone, we would be invited.
This is not the first time by a long shot this has happened--the mil is always changing things at the last minute, and we are just supposed to adjust and be grateful to be invited anywhere.
And I'm feeling upset. What would you all do in my shoes?
If you don’t want to make the drive, don’t go. Do you have other friends you could get together with? Maybe volunteer at a community dinner on the day if you have nowhere to go and don’t want to spend the entire day alone?
The bathroom thing would be a deal breaker to me, too.
If we don't go, we will definitely be on our own, although one year we went to a restaurant around here and it was great--it was like the whole town turned out and it was very jolly.
Things really shut down around here on holidays. Easter everything is as closed as Christmas, so no bathrooms then either, and we try not to drive on those days.
Such a bummer...
Is there any way you could stay overnight at your son's house the night before and then travel with them to the in-laws? Maybe not in the same car, but I'm assuming the ride is better and easier from where your son lives. It would make your holiday a three-day one instead of a one-day one, but maybe that's not a bad thing?? Can your son accommodate you at his house?
If not, I personally would probably be tempted to go even though I wouldn't look forward to the drive, simply because these days I'm trying to say "yes" more often to things life throws my way. I think my default is "no" when it comes to events and I am sure I miss out on things I would have enjoyed. I also would feel bad sitting in a restaurant knowing my kids and grandkids are having a wonderful family dinner without me.
I would not, however, consider going and returning on the same day. If I couldn't stay at least one night with one family or another, even if I had to stay in a local hotel, that would be my deal breaker.
Bummer that no one considered your needs when the plans were changed.
iris lilies
11-9-23, 8:01am
I wouldn’t go since there seems to be nothing attractive about going. But then, neither do I ”feel lonely and left out” at holidays. Mainly I feel relieved to not have to drive thru shit weather.
I mean, that is 4 hours of driving in one day in potentially bad weather. Ugh, nope.
Such a bummer...
Is there any way you could stay overnight at your son's house the night before and then travel with them to the in-laws? Maybe not in the same car, but I'm assuming the ride is better and easier from where your son lives. It would make your holiday a three-day one instead of a one-day one, but maybe that's not a bad thing?? Can your son accommodate you at his house?
If not, I personally would probably be tempted to go even though I wouldn't look forward to the drive, simply because these days I'm trying to say "yes" more often to things life throws my way. I think my default is "no" when it comes to events and I am sure I miss out on things I would have enjoyed. I also would feel bad sitting in a restaurant knowing my kids and grandkids are having a wonderful family dinner without me.
I would not, however, consider going and returning on the same day. If I couldn't stay at least one night with one family or another, even if I had to stay in a local hotel, that would be my deal breaker.
Bummer that no one considered your needs when the plans were changed.
You have really put your finger on the dilemma. If I go, I am resentful and feel diminished. If I don't go, I am resentful and feel diminished. I know it is silly of me to feel that way. But I do. We are always changing things for the mil, plans are always changed for her to dominate the situation. Every. darn. time.
And yet they are gracious hosts, etc, and I know I am being silly and will miss out.
But like IL says--four hours of driving!!
Can't do the overnight because of the dogs. If I do that, my husband and I are going separately and there is more travel and more angst.
And now I look outside and it is snowing. Ugh. Really did not want to be here this winter.
iris lilies
11-9-23, 9:09am
I watch people turn themselves into knots over these holiday family plans, and I wonder why people do it. So Tybee, I wonder why you do it. But anyway –
If your son’s mother-in-law continually change plans, then there’s a few things you could do but if your son and daughter-in-law will not hold a line and say to her mother “we have decided what we’re doing. That’s what we’re doing. We’re not going to change now.” Then YOU will always be going along with THEIR flow.
I think it wouldn’t hurt to tell your son that when he makes a plan, it’s important to you than it be honored. And then let it go, don’t guilt trip him too much. I have no idea what your daughter-in-law wants to happen, but if she really wanted to host this Thanksgiving plans at her house, she would’ve done it
So if you don’t want to be in her mother’s orbit, you have to make your own plans for your family. Have a “Thanksgiving” on another day. You host. You host them at your house. Or at a restaurant in their town. Etc.
and that doesn’t even bring up the nightmare of Christmas. The Christmas Eve event. The Christmas day event. Etc. etc.
I will also mention that you can put the dogs in a kennel for an overnight. It won’t hurt them unless you have a dog with extreme fears. We have put our dog in the kennel for an overnight in order to avoid a return trip on the same day, and our return trip is only an hour and a half, but it would’ve been late at night and we’re just not keen on that.
Well, we just had a big fight about it and it resulted in me calling son five minutes ago and telling him we will not be going to his mil's for Thanksgiving.
Now to deal with the fallout of the big fight with DH.
Aren't families great.
Well, we just had a big fight about it and it resulted in me calling son five minutes ago and telling him we will not be going to his mil's for Thanksgiving.
Now to deal with the fallout of the big fight with DH.
Aren't families great.
I’m sorry to hear that.
iris lilies
11-9-23, 9:33am
Well, we just had a big fight about it and it resulted in me calling son five minutes ago and telling him we will not be going to his mil's for Thanksgiving.
Now to deal with the fallout of the big fight with DH.
Aren't families great.
Please, start making these family gathering decisions from a place that will give you and your husband peace. Sure you’ll have to give up all kinds of opportunities, but a centered and peaceful existence is what you will gain.
I know you have small grandchildren, and so it’s tough to be at a place to not want to miss key events with them. But honestly, the whole “holidays are a magical time” hype is stupid. See your grandchildren at times not surrounding the holy expectations of Holiday Hell.
"See your grandchildren at times not surrounding the holy expectations of Holiday Hell."
We are actually trying hard to do this, and what a great slogan!
sweetana3
11-9-23, 10:23am
A great friend of ours has three sons, three daughter in laws, 5 granddaughters, etc. They also want peace and graciously adjust holidays around all the inlaws, travel needs, the kid's needs, etc. It can be a complex mess but being peaceful about it and not obsessing over the day itself, makes their families stronger.
iris lilies
11-9-23, 11:16am
A great friend of ours has three sons, three daughter in laws, 5 granddaughters, etc. They also want peace and graciously adjust holidays around all the inlaws, travel needs, the kid's needs, etc. It can be a complex mess but being peaceful about it and not obsessing over the day itself, makes their families stronger.
There was a guy on Mr. Money Mustache a few years ago whose wife was reduced to tears of exhaustion by his and her family’s expectations of Holiday Hell.
This guy is a twin, and hence (apparently) his birthday is super important to his mother and father. His birthday is near the winter holidays. It seems his family expects a big giant birthday celebration each year. And then, he has small children and their grandparents require big celebrations for each Holiday ON that holiday. And those grandparents are divorced, and expect separate big giant celebrations. What a fking nightmare, and this guy and his wife shlepped their small children from event to event.
Madness.
I think he and his wife ended up saying “we are staying home with our small children, you need to come to our house if you want to see them” and his wife set up 2 or 3 food events on the same day for all in-laws who couldn’t get along.
Peace will reign if you stay away....and if you feel left out and diminished it's not a new feeling and would happen if you drove 4 hours to suffer...I think the same way as IL. But, I don't have children (partly for this kind of tug of war!) so I probably have no business offering my opinion.
catherine
11-9-23, 11:27am
A great friend of ours has three sons, three daughter in laws, 5 granddaughters, etc. They also want peace and graciously adjust holidays around all the inlaws, travel needs, the kid's needs, etc. It can be a complex mess but being peaceful about it and not obsessing over the day itself, makes their families stronger.
I agree with this. If people would only put themselves in each others' shoes and make plans accordingly, there would be much less angst around the holidays.
Thanksgiving and Christmas are the two holidays that historically generated the most angst in our household. Our daughter and our grandboys father divorced some time ago and both re-married several years later. This makes scheduling family get togethers difficult for everyone involved.
We've solved the problem by scheduling our participation on alternate days, mainly by simply not being available on the calendar holidays. Lately we've begun to hit the road the week before Thanksgiving and returning home in February, at which time we'll schedule a joint celebration at our house on whatever date our daughter, grandkids or other interested extended family members are available. It works wonderfully!
What a great solution, Alan!
A great friend of ours has three sons, three daughter in laws, 5 granddaughters, etc. They also want peace and graciously adjust holidays around all the inlaws, travel needs, the kid's needs, etc. It can be a complex mess but being peaceful about it and not obsessing over the day itself, makes their families stronger.
That sounds very nice.
Peace will reign if you stay away....and if you feel left out and diminished it's not a new feeling and would happen if you drove 4 hours to suffer...I think the same way as IL. But, I don't have children (partly for this kind of tug of war!) so I probably have no business offering my opinion.
Yes, we are definitely looking for more peace, and have decided in that direction.
I don't have children, both my parents are deceased and one of SO's parents is deceased and the rest of his family still live near each other in suburban St Louis except his two nephews, who are still in the young adult not married phase of life so they still go to St Louis for the holidays if able. My sister and her wife are in San Diego. As such we've spent a lot of christmas's in St Louis and a lot of Thanksgivings in San Diego. Relatively simple and enjoyable as I get along with his family and SO adores my SIL. (He gets along with my sister but pretty much everyone thinks my SIL is AWESOME. And she is. Such a kind, sweet woman. My sister is incredibly lucky (and knows it) to have her in her life.)
Back when my dad was still alive he didn't travel so it was common for us to spend thanksgiving in Denver with him, going out to his favorite restaurant for dinner. I agree with the comment that it feels kind of festive to do that. The staff always seemed happy to be working and all the other customers seemed happy to be enjoying their meals together. And no cooking or cleanup chores. I totally get why people go out for dinner on the holidays. This year we're going to St Louis for Thanksgiving and staying home for Christmas so we'll probably eat out for Christmas, which is fine with me.
I guess I say all that to say that I agree with Iris. Find a way to enjoy the holidays that gives you peace and contentment rather than stress from changed plans and long days driving somewhere you don't want to go. And holidays are overrated. Use other "non-special" times of the year to get together with the grandkids so that you have a good relationship with them. When I was a kid every August my favorite aunt invited me and my sister to come for a week during the county fair in her small town. It was nothing fancy, lots of 4H kids showing off their work raising animals and such, and a small rodeo, etc. But we went to everything and it was always a really great trip during a random week in August. Honestly I can't remember most of the MAJOR HOLIDAY stuff my family did because it was things like spending the week at the county fair, or the time that just she and I went to Mount Sunflower, the highest point in Kansas, that really built my fond memories of my aunt.
What a great summer memory! I would have liked that so much as a kid.
In August, we always went to see both sets of grandparents and other family and then down to Florida to fish. So my best memories of family vacations are from August, too.
Thanksgiving was my dad's favorite holiday, so it was a big deal in my house.
rosarugosa
11-10-23, 6:25am
Holidays are just so annoying. I try my best to ignore them in hopes they will go away. That strategy hasn't been too effective, but it does at least diminish their impact on my life. This reminds me (unfortunately) that I owe my sister an answer about what we are going to do for Thanksgiving. It will all be planned around Mom and her dementia, and she may very well not feel up to celebrating that day anyway.
iris lilies
11-10-23, 8:22am
Holidays are just so annoying. I try my best to ignore them in hopes they will go away. That strategy hasn't been too effective, but it does at least diminish their impact on my life. This reminds me (unfortunately) that I owe my sister an answer about what we are going to do for Thanksgiving. It will all be planned around Mom and her dementia, and she may very well not feel up to celebrating that day anyway.
”Holidays are just so annoying”
Yup
I do try, most years, to find ONE event to “ feel” the season but I just want one, not days and days of the stuff.
frugal-one
11-10-23, 4:37pm
I am so happy where we have transplanted ourselves! We have been invited to join a group for Thanksgiving… everyone brings something different and the turkey is cooked by the park. No driving, no mess, no drama!
iris lilies
11-10-23, 6:19pm
I am so happy where we have transplanted ourselves! We have been invited to join a group for Thanksgiving… everyone brings something different and the turkey is cooked by the park. No driving, no mess, no drama!
Yes that would be very nice, for sure!
Oh, that sounds wonderful right now, frugal-one.
littlebittybobby
11-21-23, 5:43pm
Okay--no drive-n-eat for littlebittyme. The wreckin' yard will be open on Thursday, parts half price. So yeah--see you kids there. Yup.
Simplemind
11-24-23, 2:09am
We get around this kind of thing by not competing with different sides of the family for a calendar day. I'm all for no heartburn. I've loved spending a quiet day at home or at the beach and then getting together later. I would have been frustrated and disappointed in your situation. You were invited to your son's and in essence they accepted (or were possibly manipulated into accepting) an invitation from MIL dropping their responsibility to you. Inviting you to join them at MIL's is not just a change of venue. It is MIL ripping the rug out from your holiday with their permission. Although it all looks like one big happy family on paper, it is anything but. MIL wasn't happy with you getting the holiday, you justifiably aren't happy with her hijacking it. They should have stood by their invitation to you. If they can so easily drop a holiday commitment it is a little hypocritical to be upset with you for doing the same. So sorry you were put in this position. Hopefully with some time to cool off your son will see and accept his responsibility for this.
catherine
11-24-23, 8:45am
Simpleminded is absolutely right.
Tybee, what did you wind up doing?
Well we looked into eating out and then realized it would be over 130 dollars and we wouldn't have gone if it wasn't Thanksgiving! So we found a 49 cent a pound turkey and cooked the food we liked best and ate at home. We are getting together with the kids tomorrow for a non-Thanksgiving get together to work on assembling my son's photo album with the prints I had made from my books of their childhood.
They are already asking about Christmas. I just wish we could put these "special" days to rest; it's too much weird pressure.
Have you made it clear to son that there will not be a repeat of Thanksgiving?
No, I'm thinking it is best to talk to them about Christmas in person, and with both families (me and my husband, and son and his wife and kids) present. Husband wants to involve his in-laws in discussion, and I don't want to.
Sort of feeling our way forward at this point, and trying to have a good time on Saturday.
iris lilies
11-24-23, 2:03pm
Well we looked into eating out and then realized it would be over 130 dollars and we wouldn't have gone if it wasn't Thanksgiving! So we found a 49 cent a pound turkey and cooked the food we liked best and ate at home. We are getting together with the kids tomorrow for a non-Thanksgiving get together to work on assembling my son's photo album with
They are already asking about Christmas. I just wish we could put these "special" days to rest; it's too much weird pressure.
If I sound, cranky here, I apologize, but if you read responses here, you will find that those who are not stressed out by the holidays do in fact, “put the special days to rest.”
It’s only a “special “day requiring special accommodations if you think it is.
I like Christmas decorations, but other than that, I always feel a great relief when this holiday season is over.
iris lilies
11-24-23, 2:42pm
I like Christmas decorations, but other than that, I always feel a great relief when this holiday season is over.
I know, the Christmas decorations are great. They’ve already gone up in many houses around our little village, and they’re very charming.
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