How to be there for family

[catherine]

I've always taken it for granted that I have three siblings--all brothers. As I've mentioned, I went out to Minnesota to visit my oldest brother who has debilitating vascular issues. Tomorrow he goes back to the hospital for a procedure to clear a blockage in his femoral artery. His mind is intact, but he depends on my SIL for almost everything. I have tried to come to terms with the idea that he may not be long for this world.

My youngest brother has recently been diagnosed with "aggressive" prostate cancer. As we speak, he is having a PET scan to see if it has metastasized. If it hasn't, prognosis is pretty good. If it has, prognosis takes a deep dive. He lives alone, is a recovering alcoholic, sober for almost 3 years. A PIA when drunk, but a gentle soul when sober.

I face the fact that by the end of the decade, there's a good possibility I'll be down two siblings. The thought is very painful, but I'm not good at handling this kind of pain.

I can't be of any practical help for my Midwestern brother. My SIL is all he needs, really. She is awesome. But, I feel really bad for my youngest brother because he's alone. My middle brother (DB2) and SIL are really good people. They happen to live only 2 miles from the VA hospital where DB3 is getting care, so he is staying with them.

For those of you who are experienced with giving support to sick people, what is your advice? I didn't do well with my mother when she was sick--I was firmly in denial. How can I best be there for both brothers? By nature, I'm very stoic, and I'm not sure if that's a benefit or a drawback at times like these.

I would like to hear your thoughts and experiences as someone needing support or giving support.

[pinkytoe]

I am not close to my two older siblings but they have support. Both have Parkinson's so who knows how long that will take to do its deed. I became a full-time caretaker in my mid-30s to my younger brother and my mother who were both dying. I always felt so bad for both of them as they didn't have a lot of support outside of me but I was the only one geographically close. I wanted to care for them but I also resented that my siblings were far away and living their own lives without this burden. All you can do is stay in touch and express your concern to your brothers and their caregivers. The caregivers never get the credit they deserve. I am watching from afar as my poor SIL struggles with caring for her mother knowing she is also stewing with resentment at the fact that she alone is dealing with the situation.

[Rogar]

I helped my older brother who lived alone through what ended up being a terminal illness. He lived a couple of hundred miles away. I'd as soon not go into great detail, but he lived in your normal neighborhood house with a dog. Things would have been much easier if he had been in a low maintenance place like an apartment or patio home. That is something all of us could think through. My help would have been to get him situated into an easier living situation, among other things I was able to help with. Also, if it comes to requiring more help, I'd ask around with social services or other programs to help. An older friend found a person through social services to help him pay his bills and other simple health management issues. I think she was an RN and it was not a free service. Sorry that I don't know more specifics, but there are places out there who can help with some basic needs.

[rosarugosa]

Catherine: I'm sure it's a lot harder when there are substantial distances involved. We are fortunate that sister and I are both within 3 miles of Mom, and are able to really share caregiving responsibilities (both by nature and by proximity).
I'm on a FB group for people who are caring for a family member with dementia. A common complaint is from those who do caregiving with no respite at all, and have siblings that provide little or nothing in the way of support, but often lots of criticism. I think the most important thing would be to ask the caregivers how you can be supportive. Good communication is so essential. Maybe someone needs you to go out and cover while they take a vacation, for example. Or maybe they just need to be able to vent to a sympathetic ear occasionally. You have a lot of medical knowledge from your professional life that might be helpful, and I think you would be a great sounding board.
I also think from what you've relayed that you were in the thick of raising kids, etc. when your mother was dying, so cut yourself some slack there, although I do understand the idea of wanting to do better next time. In hindsight, I could have been a lot more supportive of my mother when my dad was dying of cancer, but I was only in my twenties and too self-absorbed, busy living my own life. She was also such a caregiver, had been a nurse, and she never asked for or expected help, so it was perfectly easy to let her deal with everything. I know better now, and I believe I am redeeming myself with strong support for her in her current circumstances. I don't see much value in beating myself up over the past, but I do try to learn from the past and do better going forward.
I'm sorry you are facing this, and I hope your brothers do well.

[happystuff]

Adding my condolences and prayers for the situation facing you, your brothers and the rest of the family. I can't really say more than has been already said by other posters, except just keep in touch - just call and chat, hear their voices and let them hear yours. Many a times I called my mother (and still do with my siblings) and say "Nothing going on and no news, was just thinking of you and decided to call." It's amazing how a good conversation can be started just from that.

Hugs to all.

[Abigail]

First, good for you for being there. That's what you are - you are actually there for them. Trust me - there is many a family that simply is NOT there at all for sick loved ones. I know. It was just dad and I growing up. Dad got very sick with cancer and given 6 months to live when I was 20. He made it through after rounds and rounds and rounds of treatments - the doctor said he was truly blessed. When I was 20, I didn't really "know" how to be there I don't think. So I learned along the way, as his cancer battle was a long one. He had never been one to want to talk or just sit around talking and chilling out. But that's what he wanted to do when he was sick. So we sat around and talked. I let him talk about anything he wanted to - he talked to me about when he was a child and his parents, his travels through Europe when he was a young man, he showed me old pictures of his competitive swimming days, he told me about his beloved motorcycle and how many road trips he took on it, he told me about the neighborhood dogs he grew up with, he told me about the fruit trees and vegetable garden his father planted when he was a kid, he told me how hard working his mother was even back in the day. I just listened. I appreciate it much more now that I am in my forties - it's great to know this stuff. But I just listened and asked lots of questions to make sure he know that I was paying attention to the stories. I knew he liked things clean, so I made sure the house was extra clean and he always had clean clothes ready. I had his favorite snacks ready for him whenever he wanted them. He suffered a work place accident a few years after his cancer battle - a bad one that left him with a traumatic brain injury. That was hard too. He was living with me, so I had to work and take care of him and all of his appointments. And he is still living with me and struggles with health. I am just there. He loves gardening, so I made sure our place has sufficient space for a garden. I work 7 days a week, but I make sure I get outside into the garden with him. I guess one of the most important things for me is having an employer that truly values work-life balance. My boss knows my dad struggles and he knows that essentially he is the only family I have. So I work hard, but I take time when I need to... to be there for my dad. Whether it's a day in the garden or a day at the hospital, I am just there.

Thank you for being there for your family. Know that they appreciate it. Know that this world is a better place for everyone, because you are simply there for your loved ones. Good luck and take care.

[catherine]

First, good for you for being there. That's what you are - you are actually there for them. Trust me - there is many a family that simply is NOT there at all for sick loved ones. I know. It was just dad and I growing up. Dad got very sick with cancer and given 6 months to live when I was 20. He made it through after rounds and rounds and rounds of treatments - the doctor said he was truly blessed. When I was 20, I didn't really "know" how to be there I don't think. So I learned along the way, as his cancer battle was a long one. He had never been one to want to talk or just sit around talking and chilling out. But that's what he wanted to do when he was sick. So we sat around and talked. I let him talk about anything he wanted to - he talked to me about when he was a child and his parents, his travels through Europe when he was a young man, he showed me old pictures of his competitive swimming days, he told me about his beloved motorcycle and how many road trips he took on it, he told me about the neighborhood dogs he grew up with, he told me about the fruit trees and vegetable garden his father planted when he was a kid, he told me how hard working his mother was even back in the day. I just listened. I appreciate it much more now that I am in my forties - it's great to know this stuff. But I just listened and asked lots of questions to make sure he know that I was paying attention to the stories. I knew he liked things clean, so I made sure the house was extra clean and he always had clean clothes ready. I had his favorite snacks ready for him whenever he wanted them. He suffered a work place accident a few years after his cancer battle - a bad one that left him with a traumatic brain injury. That was hard too. He was living with me, so I had to work and take care of him and all of his appointments. And he is still living with me and struggles with health. I am just there. He loves gardening, so I made sure our place has sufficient space for a garden. I work 7 days a week, but I make sure I get outside into the garden with him. I guess one of the most important things for me is having an employer that truly values work-life balance. My boss knows my dad struggles and he knows that essentially he is the only family I have. So I work hard, but I take time when I need to... to be there for my dad. Whether it's a day in the garden or a day at the hospital, I am just there.

Thank you for being there for your family. Know that they appreciate it. Know that this world is a better place for everyone, because you are simply there for your loved ones. Good luck and take care.

What a great caregiver you are! Thank you for that advice. Now that I'm older, I wish I had asked my parents and relatives a lot more questions. You thought you were giving him something by just listening, but as I'm sure you already know, now you are the repository of all of his memories as well as the memories you both share, which is wonderful for both of you.

My oldest brother passed away in March. There was no funeral--my SIL said that she's "deathly uncomfortable in crowds" and so she decided to keep it immediate family only. My youngest brother underwent 40 radiation treatments this spring/summer--his last one was just a couple of weeks ago. On his birthday the other day he had a follow-up with his doctor who told him he's doing great. He is in remission. His vitals are great and he's lost weight (due to the radiation, but I guess you take what you can get).

After reading your post, Abigail, I remembered that today was my late brother & SILs wedding anniversary. I was on the fence about calling her, but after reading your post, I did call. It was great to chat. She's a pretty stoic Midwestern woman, so she doesn't get too deep emotionally, but we had a nice chat and a few laughs and she thanked me for calling. So thank YOU for inspiring me to do it.


And--happystuff, rosa, Rogar, pinky toe--I just now realized I never acknowledged your posts. Thank you for your kind responses.