View Full Version : The family matriarch is dying
MIL is finally in the last few days of her life on this planet. All her kiddos have gathered to be near in her last days. She has Covid and pneumonia so shouldn't be long. It is so strange to grow old and see one's lifelong connections disappear. DH has been under his parents thumb for so long that I don't know how losing his mother will play out. And then the messy inheritance stuff yet to come...
rosarugosa
2-11-24, 6:04am
I'm sorry Pinkytoe. Wishing for a drama-free passing.
I'm sorry, it is never ever easy.
I am sorry, pinkytoe. It is a blessing that her children will be there at this time.
I know what you mean about losing connections. I had very strong female elders and it was jarring to realize that that they were gone and I now I was one of the new generation of elders.
Sorry to hear. Hope the aftermath isn’t too drama-filled n
happystuff
2-11-24, 9:39am
So sorry, pinkytoe. Sending prayers of comfort and peace to all.
MIL has been on morphine and no food or water for 3 days. I think all the weeping and gnashing is making her stay longer.
That's how my mother went. They told me the morphine would put an end to her suffering, but she lived for a couple of days after that final morphine dose. I remember asking an LPN "shouldn't she get some water?" and the LPN just basically ran away and ignored me. It was like a long drawn out Dr. Kevorkian experience. I just hope she wasn't suffering. I hope the same for your MIL.
It makes me wonder if death was such a long process way back before all the interventions.
It makes me wonder if death was such a long process way back before all the interventions.
I guess it depends on the cause of death - illness or accident. That would be an interesting subject to research.
It makes me wonder if death was such a long process way back before all the interventions.
The only thing I would advise, not for any real reason other than I hadn't really considered it at the time--they say that the seemingly unconscious people close to death can hear everything. I know that my brothers and I were talking as if she were already dead--discussing funeral plans and other things, and if I had to do it again, just to hedge my bets, I would have spent more time speaking directly to my mother with words of love and comfort.
I think they discuss that stuff out in the hallway. MIL actually still mumbles words that make sense and gets angry at the nurses who try to help her so I guess she's still in there. Dh was going to say his goodbyes and come back, then both of us go back for the funeral but his sibs are shaming him into staying until the funeral is over. There seems to be an unspoken belief that we must stay with people till they take their last breath. I don't know why but I think I would wait to be alone to exit.
Thinking of you pinkytoe. I hope she is comfortable and at peace. Peace to your whole family.
happystuff
2-13-24, 6:07pm
It makes me wonder if death was such a long process way back before all the interventions.
When we all gathered to say good-bye to my mother last September, we all had our conversations with her. I really believe she knew we were there and could hear us. We all - in our own way - told her it was okay for her to "go to sleep" (that is how she put it and wanted it). We all tried, in our own way to re-assure her that, although we would miss her, we would be fine; that she could "go". I truly believe she heard us.
As I consider myself a Buddhist, I do believe that there is a definite process to death. One of the first Buddhism books I ever read was The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. Very informative.
Again, prayers to all
Just learned that the assisted living place MIL is staying has been sold to a hedge fund effective March 15. No doubt they will lay off staff and raise prices.
Just learned that the assisted living place MIL is staying has been sold to a hedge fund effective March 15. No doubt they will lay off staff and raise prices.
One of the few blessings of having Mom and Dad gone are that those places are no longer a factor in my life. We had five years of them, three different places.
After two weeks, the drama is over. Watching another human die slowly is grueling. She went a whole week without food or water, gasped for every breath and we all began to wonder why she was lingering. After non-stop vigils, DH and his brother finally left the building one morning and sister left the room for a bit and she passed quietly. Perhaps some people really do want to be alone in their final moment. The whole affair was anything but simple and makes one think a lot about how you'd like your final days to be...if you have any say in the matter.
So sorry to hear. But sounds like it’s a relief it’s over.
So sorry for you and your DH's family, pinkytoe. It is definitely a relief that she is now at peace.
I'm sorry it was so difficult for her and for her family.
iris lilies
2-27-24, 7:01pm
One of the nearby deaths to me this week was the social butterfly in our condo building. She was in her 80s. She charged around socializing, talking to people, going out to dinners and having people over. We had her as a guest at a dinner at the condo building last fall. I’m so glad we did, I’m so glad I didn’t just think about it, but I actually did it.
I’m also grateful that her tiny dog, a Yorkie, died a few months before she did.
apparently she just had a major heart attack alone in her condo. It was shocking for everyone, but that is not a bad way to go assuming it was a very fast heart attack.
One of the nearby deaths to me this week was the social butterfly in our condo building. She was in her 80s. She charged around socializing, talking to people, going out to dinners and having people over. We had her as a guest at a dinner at the condo building last fall. I’m so glad we did, I’m so glad I didn’t just think about it, but I actually did it.
I’m also grateful that her tiny dog, a Yorkie, died a few months before she did.
apparently she just had a major heart attack alone in her condo. It was shocking for everyone, but that is not a bad way to go assuming it was a very fast heart attack.
So sorry about your friend, IL I agree that a quick heart attack is not a bad way to go. We expect some people to last forever, despite their age, so their passing is especially upsetting.
Regarding doing the dinner without thinking about it--that's part of what I'm feeling these days. My default is to shy away from stuff (I get the feeling you're not like me in that regard), but lately I've been making a conscious effort to say "yes." In fact, I bought a book called "Hell Yeah or No" to encourage me to just jump in.
iris lilies
2-27-24, 8:39pm
So sorry about your friend, IL I agree that a quick heart attack is not a bad way to go. We expect some people to last forever, despite their age, so their passing is especially upsetting.
Regarding doing the dinner without thinking about it--that's part of what I'm feeling these days. My default is to shy away from stuff (I get the feeling you're not like me in that regard), but lately I've been making a conscious effort to say "yes." In fact, I bought a book called "Hell Yeah or No" to encourage me to just jump in.
oh, I absolutely have not been socializing much the past year and a half. in fact, DH came home laughing a couple of nights ago after being with a group at a fish dinner. He saw his car club friends, some of his garden club friends, and others. It’s a small town so if you join a few clubs, you know everybody. Anyway—– he was laughing because they were telling him they were going to conduct a Welfare check on me because they hadn’t seen me in so long they were afraid I was buried in the backyard.
But Sunday I drove into St. Louis for the daffodil Society meeting and amusingly there is a contingent of people from the Hermann area in Daffodils. So that group at least knows I’m not dead and buried.
oh, I absolutely have not been socializing much the past year and a half. in fact, DH came home laughing a couple of nights ago after being with a group at a fish dinner. He saw his car club friends, some of his garden club friends, and others. It’s a small town so if you join a few clubs, you know everybody. Anyway—– he was laughing because they were telling him they were going to conduct a Welfare check on me because they hadn’t seen me in so long they were afraid I was buried in the backyard.
But Sunday I drove into St. Louis for the daffodil Society meeting and amusingly there is a contingent of people from the Hermann area in Daffodils. So that group at least knows I’m not dead and buried.
I often think the people in the islands think the same of me--the mysterious woman that DH says he is married to!! He is a very active member of the church... usually couples attend church together, but I prefer to stay home. He also was invited to join the church Men's Club, which has nothing to do with religion or social service--it's basically a good ol' boys gossip club. After one Saturday morning Men's Club meeting he implored me to join the church choir. I asked, "Why would I do that??" He said, "Because the wives of all the men in the Men's Club sing in the choir." I certainly didn't see that as a reason I should join.
I do hang with my Master Gardener friends once in a while. And my next door neighbors are great, because they are reclusive, too. So when DH invites them to dinner, they come but I know they'll be out the door in an hour. We understand each other.
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