Aging loved ones struggling to care for themselves

[jp1]

A question for everyone who has had a loved one still living independently but having difficulty managing day to day tasks (cleaning, cooking, etc.). A very dear friend of mine who lives in southern California is in his mid-70s. He's lived alone for many years and is not particularly social and prefers living alone. Over the past couple of years arthritis, coupled with a heart attack 3 years ago, has resulted in him now needing a walker to get around and no longer able to do too much. For instance the last time I went to visit 4 or 5 months ago he had a massive pile of amazon boxes and other recycling piled up in the kitchen and he sheepishly asked my help filling the recycle bin with it since that's difficult for him now. Plus he's started using instacart because even just carrying a bag of groceries from the store to the parking lot resulted in a painful fall with a black eye and other bruises, etc. And his house was absolutely filthy since using a vacuum and scrubbing the bathtub are pretty much outside of his abilities now.

A couple of years ago, prior to it getting to this point, I'd suggested hiring a housekeeping service. At that time he dismissed the idea because he's always been determinedly independent and not the type of person to admit that he might need assistance. I'd like to suggest again that he look into housekeepers because I can only imagine how dirty his house must be by now. This time with links to make the task of hiring someone as easy as possible. (money is not the issue. He has plenty to cover whatever expenses he may have for the remainder of his life including an assisted living or skilled nursing facility for however long he might need one.)

I'd like to help him stay in his home as long as he possibly can. After mom died my father attempted to learn to cook (a skill he'd never had before) and after four years of stressing over it he moved himself to an assisted living place just for the fact that they would cook all his meals. His decline after moving there was steady and frustrating to watch. The same would likely be the case with my friend. Has anyone here successfully gotten an older relative/friend to admit the need for help like this? It seems so obvious to me that if my friend had a housekeeper every two weeks that also did laundry (his laundry machines are in his detached garage so that task is undoubtedly also very difficult for him) he'd be doing better and would probably really like having clean clothes and a clean home again. In the wayback times before the pandemic and his heart attack he always kept his home quite clean so I imagine that that is something important to him.

[iris lilies]

I don’t have any words of wisdom, but it’s great that your friend has the money to pay a housekeeper.


He needs to hear from you that his house is dirty. he may need to hear that from you and a couple other people before he does something about it.

Also, I would not assume he’s going to go downhill if he moves to assisted living like your father did. People often do better in a lively community with people around, but then I do not know if your friend is getting out of his house or not, but it sounds as though he may not be.

[jp1]

He's always been a bit of a loner type person. His idea of an enjoyable day is to get in his car and do a 14-16 hour roundtrip day trip to Death Valley. His idea of hell is having to interact with anyone other than the relatively small number of people he considers his friends. Beyond that he does still get out for lunch several times a week and has casual (and appropriate) customer/employee relationships with the workers at all his favorite lunch spots. They know him and are friendly with him since he's always polite and tips well, etc. Other than that, no, he doesn't have much social life. Most of his friends his age died long ago from HIV or have since died of typical older person diseases. He does get together with the few remaining ones once in a while but that's not a frequent occurrence.

I like the idea of others having to tell him his house is dirty, in a polite way of course. What brought this up in the first place is that two other mutual friends were trying in our four person group chat to arrange a get together at his house in early May (since that's where we always get together for a variety of reasons that aren't meaningful to this conversation.) Elderly friend was supportive of the idea but mentioned his housekeeping issues which caused one of the mutual friends to suggest to me and the other mutual friend separately that perhaps his message was intended to be a polite way of saying "please don't come". I don't think that's the case since friend REALLY enjoys when the four of us are there and would probably be devastated if the four of us never came there together again, but that it was more just admitting that when we arrive his house will be filthy. (It's so filthy that the last time I was there I admit that I wore flip flops in his bathtub when I was showering...)

[ToomuchStuff]

I wish it were easy. My "aunt" (extended family, not technically family) just finally had to go into assisted living, as she walked out of the grocery store (using walked loosely) and then she just dropped and couldn't walk no more. She did damage to herself a little more then a year ago, and never really recovered (kept doing rehab, but would slide back), so she hadn't been able to do her own laundry, etc. So now my cousin is having to deal with her house, and a whole lot more I am not going to go into.

Now the idiot from the restaurant, gave up going to some of his medical treatments (diabetic retinopothy), when his brother died and the mess of an incomplete estate his brother left. The family I have known for 40 years, wanted me to end up with the lions share of stuff, and the idiot had his hissy fits, thinking he could just keep everything and the house, and have me move in and then him bring yet more crap and have me care for it. I had never had a roommate, and all of a sudden I had two intermittent ones.
Well, he got worse of course, hasn't had his diabetic shoes replaced in six years, they have wanted him on oxygen for five and he only started around January of this year and keeps loosing/breaking his oxygen stuff (empty cylinder hitting the accelerator is what caused him to flip the truck, Wednesday). Doesn't really clean himself, or his vehicles (looks homeless and it looks like he had been eating soup poured into the truck center console).
His girlfriend stuck him in a nursing home/rehab today. Will see how this plays out.
I worked my first 13 and a half hour day today, and expect he is expecting me to work 100+ hours next week. I don't think I have the stamina for that.

[jp1]

Ugggh. TMS, that sounds horrible. So sorry you're going through all that. My problem seems minor in comparison.

I just suggested a housekeeper to friend. We'll see how it goes. He finally hired a lawn service a year ago or so so hopefully he sees the wisdom in this. I tried to keep it lighthearted by reminding him of a story about my mother from years ago. When she was around 60 she broke her ankle due to osteoporosis. Dad took on the task of vacuuming but she was a major neatfreak and apparently he wasn't doing it to her standard. So she had him situate her on one of their kitchen table stools and she vacuumed around it. Then he helped her move to the other stool nearby and she vacuumed around that. He moved the first stool to a third location, and so forth, eventually working their way through the entire condo every week. Knowing her I'm sure she didn't think this was at all absurd...

[happystuff]

TMS, I'm so sorry. I have enough trouble working 10 hour days in the summer; I can't imagine doing even a minute more!

jp1, I hope you (and others) are able to convince your friend to get some help so he can still living a bit independently. This is something I wonder/think/worry about and both dh and I get older.

[Rachel]

I have two friends who are in a similar circumstance, but worse because they don't have money. One friend has lost mobility and is mostly stranded on the 6th floor of a walkup apartment. She can't afford help, she absolutely can't afford assisted living. No family. Another is in her mid-80's. No savings. Very frail. Family is scattered and mostly out of touch. Can't drive. It's very sad.

[Simone]

I have two friends who are in a similar circumstance, but worse because they don't have money. One friend has lost mobility and is mostly stranded on the 6th floor of a walkup apartment. She can't afford help, she absolutely can't afford assisted living. No family. Another is in her mid-80's. No savings. Very frail. Family is scattered and mostly out of touch. Can't drive. It's very sad.

I'm watching something similar with two friends, one in her nineties, who live far from me. Same money issues and no families to help. I'm afraid this is a story I hear more and more often.

[Abigail]

Well, it's incredibly fortunate that your friend has the money to live on his own and also has the money to pay for having his home cleaned. If he sheepishly asked you for help with the Amazon boxes and recycling them, he isn't TOO reluctant to get help - it just probably needs to be from someone he trusts. That's often the case with older people - they don't want STRANGERS in their home cleaning, going through their stuff. They don't trust them. Something a friend of mine did was go over to her uncle's house and she hired a maid to come with her. She didn't tell her uncle the maid was a maid - she told her it was a friend of hers really really struggling for money because she was new to the country. When they were there, they cleaned the house. The uncle felt bad for the "friend maid" and she encouraged him to ask her to come back once a week. It worked. I don't know if it will be that easy for anyone else. But again, this man was VERY resistant to any stranger coming into his home to clean - so absolutely no-go for just telling him to have a maid come in.

You could ask a neighbor to mention to him that they've noticed this or that - and maybe he should keep his house more clean etc. I don't know if that's possible.

My dad is in his 70s and lives with me, because he has no money to live on his own. He can't do the cleaning anymore and I can't afford to have a maid. And he STILL hates it when I clean his room or bathroom - he hates the fact that he is not independant enough to do it on his own and he hates have someone in his personal space.

Tough situation. You are a good friend for caring about him. Good luck to you!

[CompulsiveGardener]

For people who need assistance around the house but can't afford it: look into services from the county. The financial limit in the county in which my MIL lived was a LOT higher than the limit for Medicaid, so we were able to get her some services that helped her stay in her own home for 2 years beyond what would have been possible otherwise. Her county contracted with companies that provided PCAs who could do things such as cleaning, laundry, cooking, assistance with dressing and bathing, and even driving to medical appointments. How it worked: the county employee came to her home to evaluate her physical and mental status, which translated into the number of hours per week of assistance they would provide. She was re-evaluated a couple of times as her abilities decreased. We made lists for the helpers by day of week (we live far away from her, no family nearby), because MIL could not organize her needs on her own. We had groceries delivered at times when the helpers would be there so that they could carry them to the kitchen and put them away.

For those who can afford it, but don't want assistance: my MIL was resistant at first, too, to the above mentioned services. I think we had a trusted neighbor in the house with her the first time they came. Once it was routine, she was fine with it. Unfortunately she had cognitive decline and so household tasks would not be done, and she wouldn't admit to issues (for instance, a couple of years before this, she had a major mouse infestation and thought they were "cute."). For someone without cognitive decline, having a regular helper that they guide might be more palatable. My aunt is very proactive with getting the assistance she needs. She contacts her local college to post a job on their job board for irregular assistance - it's usually when she needs some extra cleaning done, or seasonal decorations carried up the stairs, or something like that -- so it's not a regular schedule. She pays the student well and enjoys the opportunity to talk with a young person. When that helper graduates, she posts the position again.

It can be so difficult. My own dad won't ask me for help with things he really can't do anymore. Frustrating to observe.

[Klunick]

My mom who is 86 has reached the point where unless it's on TV, she doesn't believe it happened. I work for the Police and would let her know of some "interesting" stuff going on like police chases, foot pursuits, etc. Her line is always "There's nothing on TV about it." I try to explain to her that the Police don't report everything to the news or else it would be pretty much non-stop. Last night there was a homicide. Two people shot and one died. We were emailing back and forth and my mom tells me that no one died. I assured her that someone did in fact die and it's the talk of the day so far at work... at the Police Department. She tells me that the TV reporter said that both people are in critical condition and that no one died. I basically told her that she can believe whoever she wants but I'm believing the Police because THEY WERE THERE! She told me she's going to believe the reporter. I decided it was best to just stop emailing her back at this point because there is nothing I can say to make her believe me.

[Rachel]

I noticed this thread and then discovered I had even posted to it in April of this year (2024). This is a follow-up to what I shared about my friend who is stranded on an upper floor of a walk-up apartment building, aging, disabled, no family. I love her and have known her for a long long time. I have begun to speak reality to her- with respect and love, but with directness. "Mary (not her real name), this is hard for me to say, but I love you enough to say it. Your situation is not safe. Please, hire a homemaker / errand-runner. Two days a week would be sufficient. I believe you can afford it."

It hasn't made a difference yet, but she tells me she is thinking about it. Ultimately, dignity *however she defines it* is the deciding factor.

We cannot get our older ailing friends to change. We can't usually "save" them. Some of us have decided not to keep visiting homes that are dirty and upsetting to be in. That is fine. Keep visiting if you can and if you can't keep calling on the phone. Stay in touch, let them know they aren't alone.

[Tybee]

Rachel, is there Meals on Wheels that she could use? I was just reading about it in one of our local towns and they show up once a day and will bring the mail in, check on the person, and leave the food--that would be awesome for her.

[Tradd]

I have senior friends who have so many physical issues that going to the grocery store just does them in for several days. But they won’t consider delivery or even pickup because they can’t get past the idea of someone else picking out their produce and meat.

[iris lilies]

I can’t wait until I can hire someone to clean my house.

When our entire first floor is finished, that’s when I will hire out that work even tho it isnt hard.

I have always said anyone xan clean my house and i will be happy with their work. But taking care of my garden? Nope, you can’t do it to my satisfaction.

[Rogar]

I've thought about the convenience of grocery delivery, which seems simple with an internet and cheap. I'd do it if I couldn't drive or was otherwise handicapped. However, if there are people who can get out, even if it's a struggle, it might be a healthy thing for them to do. My stores have prepared meals in servings for two or a small family that look really healthy and appetizing that just need to be heated. If I recall, meals on wheels are free, but asks for a donation or other payment if a person can afford it. There are so many other way to get healthy meals delivered if a person has a liberal budget.

[pinkytoe]

One of my older brothers recently moved to a lower elevation in a different state far away as his wife had a breathing issue due to a lung disease. She recently passed and he finds himself alone in an unfamiliar place/house with little community. She always did the cooking so I asked him what he is eating these days. He said he gets "quickie meals" at the grocery whatever that means. I am thinking of asking him to come back to this state he loves and let him stay in the basement suite. I am worried about him so far away. There is a daughter and her family about 30 minutes away from him now but I imagine she is mostly busy with work and teenagers much of the time. It is a conundrum and one I worry about for my own future as an older person too.

[iris lilies]

Those of us who don’t have children were smart enough to have siblings 10 years younger. :)

so, while it is likely I will die before DH, if that doesnt happen I will move to the place that I escaped from but have younger brother, his wife, and younger cousins there.

[littlebittybobby]

okay---as you kids know, I am very elderly, and can relate to this. I have shipping boxes that my 58 Packkard parts and stuff came in, that I need to dispose of. I got the floors swept, the dishes done, laundry all hung up; litterboxes changed, but still need to vacuum. By then, it'll be time ta start all over again. But yeah---I very much enjoy it, sort-of. Ha. I spend half my day on that; the other half on important projects. It's time to clean & vacuum my car, change the oil & check the tires. New spark plugs, maybe. So yeah---I can see your point about these home-bound people needing help to do every littlebitty thing. yup. Too bad that Americans, being the most powerful people on earth(we rule), can't just go online and purchase a slave to do our chores for us. See? That might help. Thankk mee.

[KayLR]

There is a wonderful organization called Village to Village and anyone in JP's shoes should check it out. I have seen it at work personally up here in the NW.
https://Vtvnetwork.org

I knew a man much like JP's friend who signed on with them. He'd become a widow and basically I think he didn't know how to keep house plus his eyes are dim. He was interviewed by a Village volunteer who was probably Boomer age and felt immediately comfortable. So they come in and do light housework and check in on him and make sure he has some human contact.

[catherine]

Rachel, is there Meals on Wheels that she could use? I was just reading about it in one of our local towns and they show up once a day and will bring the mail in, check on the person, and leave the food--that would be awesome for her.

I was a Meals on Wheels volunteer my first two years here in VT. I found it rewarding because it's a touchpoint for people who might be lonely or unable to shop regularly. I had one man who would ask me to join him on his porch for a chat, and I would, time permitting. You are not obligated by MoW to do that, but you can if you want. My next-door-neighbor's mother used MoW until she had to move to assisted living, and my neighbor would get a call from the organization if they tried to deliver and no one answered the door.

[Tybee]

That's cool that you were a volunteer for Meals on Wheels!

[catherine]

I liked it because you just pick a schedule and a route that works for you.

[Rogar]

My parents got a dinner sized Meals on Wheels three times a week in their era of infirmary. It was generous enough for left overs for another meal. They could afford to pay and I can't remember what it was, but it was a bargain. I've donated money to them in the past. It's a great program. I really dislike driving in the city, but it would be a good thing to volunteer. I think there is a shortage of drivers.

[Tybee]

Meals on Wheels approached my mom and offered to bring them meals, and she refused. It would have been such a good thing for them. But she was already suffering from dementia, and mistrusted them.

[Rachel]

Thanks Tybee. Meals on Wheels is a great suggestion and I'm watching for a good moment to ask her if she would consider this. She is, like most of us (me included) extremely specific about her food preferences, and it's unlikely MOW would fit with those pref's. Dignity vs Survival. Still, there may come a moment when she will be open to this.