Making life easier for your family...

[bae]

The couple that has been living next to me for 20 years have been wonderful friends and neighbors. They are in their early 70s. Both in extremely good health, and super smart.

He is your typical absent-minded retired college professor, disconnected from the cares of the world.

She is a retired manager from the technology sector, and ran all of the practical affairs of their lives - bank accounts, bill paying, insurance, and so on.

Recently she had a minor slip-and-fall, which produced a small brain bleed that they didn't notice until she developed sudden personality changes the next day.

Symptoms much like a stroke. Much of her memory and ability to focus simply gone. It will be some time before things return to "normal" for her, if they ever do.

She no longer remembered the passwords to their computers, their bank accounts, or even where their accounts were, where their various funds were, which routine bills had to be paid, and all that sort of thing. And, efficient as she was, she was doing almost everything online.

He never knew any of this information to begin with.

It has taken me a good solid month to locate some of this information for him, so that he could even begin to handle the routine financial matters needed for them to continue to function.

So, make sure your family has a way of understanding how to recover if you should have some sudden change of capabilities. It is very stressful to them to have to deal with those matters when they are also trying to deal with the medical situation. These things can happen in a moment, without any warning.

[iris lilies]

I constantly explain this to DH. Record things clearly. File things together with like things. Get all the keys together in one place. Etc. etc.

We do have a password file that is shared by both of us. But that said, he is so protective of household bills that I don’t know everything and I’m sure I would miss some if he suddenly was incapacitated. On the other hand, once I figured it out, by God, those payments would be automated, whichever ones could be automated. Of course that means you have to funnel a lot of money into the checking account but that’s fine, I would do that.

As it is, certain bills are paid automatically and I THINK know his method for indicating that automatic payment but am not sure.

in times of grief and loss we have foggy brains.

Tomorrow we’re going to the funeral home to make arrangements. It suddenly occurred to me that if something happened to him, the last thing I want do during a time of shock and grief is to make tedious decisions about burial.

Here is what caused me to put my foot down and say “we are going to make funeral plans and pay for it. “: When I asked him what he wants done at his funeral and body a disposal, etc., and I’ve asked several times, his response was “well, you can talk to my sister about that if you don’t wanna make the decisions. “


No buddy, I will not have your sister make these decisions. So tomorrow it’s off to the funeral home we are going.

[iris lilies]

One thing sweetly simple about living in Hermann is that so many of our utilities are provided by the city of Hermann: water, garbage, gas, electric, sewer. One payment. Oh, fire protection is a separate bill because it’s privately funded.

In the city of St. Louis we had several vendors for the services over the years.

about getting keys all together and DH, who is not as organized as I am: a couple months ago I said, OK I am going to work on keys. We now have the total number of buildings we will ever own. There’s not going to be more buildings. So, I got all the household keys together and there weren’t that many, and I marked them.

Then I told DH “now we’re going to gather all the motor vehicle keys and put them in one place. They will be marked.” we have many vehicles. I had to keep asking until I learned that the key to the tractor and the key to the lawnmower are kept in those vehicles. Well, OK I guess that’s fine. They are all in a locked garage.

But it just occurred to me that I’m not sure we have written down the Entry code for that garage.

[ToomuchStuff]

The couple that has been living next to me for 20 years have been wonderful friends and neighbors. They are in their early 70s. Both in extremely good health, and super smart.

He is your typical absent-minded retired college professor, disconnected from the cares of the world.

She is a retired manager from the technology sector, and ran all of the practical affairs of their lives - bank accounts, bill paying, insurance, and so on.

Recently she had a minor slip-and-fall, which produced a small brain bleed that they didn't notice until she developed sudden personality changes the next day.

Symptoms much like a stroke. Much of her memory and ability to focus simply gone. It will be some time before things return to "normal" for her, if they ever do.

She no longer remembered the passwords to their computers, their bank accounts, or even where their accounts were, where their various funds were, which routine bills had to be paid, and all that sort of thing. And, efficient as she was, she was doing almost everything online.

He never knew any of this information to begin with.

It has taken me a good solid month to locate some of this information for him, so that he could even begin to handle the routine financial matters needed for them to continue to function.

So, make sure your family has a way of understanding how to recover if you should have some sudden change of capabilities. It is very stressful to them to have to deal with those matters when they are also trying to deal with the medical situation. These things can happen in a moment, without any warning.


Or your business partners, etc!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I file things, and they are easy to retrieve. The idiot uses the pile system, which makes things so much fun, thankfully he is completely electronic incapable.
The other coowner, backed out after he realized when idiot wrecked, it meant not only was he liable, he had to step up.
good times, not.


Parents, thankfully showed a sibling, as my father once tried to show me, but his system was so convoluted (like 10 different places for things and passwords, etc), that it made no sense to me or my mother.

[Tradd]

I’m putting together what I refer to as the “Tradd’s dead - now what?” binder

[ToomuchStuff]

When I was diagnosed, I bought two copies of this, to separate personal and business stuff.


I'm Dead, Now What! Organizer Hardcover-spiral
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1441317996

[Tybee]

Bae, thank you for this reminder to sort this all out. I know we have done only a portion of what we need to do in this department. Your neighbor's story is much like some friends from Michigan--she was struck and hit by a car in the parking lot of the grocery, and never recovered from the brain damage. He had to retire to be with her at all times and now is struggling with the need to put her into a facility, as she has began to wander, and he is 80, and it's so rough for both of them. Things can change in an instant.

[iris lilies]

When I was diagnosed, I bought two copies of this, to separate personal and business stuff.


I'm Dead, Now What! Organizer Hardcover-spiral


https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1441317996

we have had for many years the thing we call “the legacy file “which is a bag full of key financial documents.


But we are less organized for the event that one of us is incapacitated.

[Tybee]

Thanks, toomuchstuff, just ordered one for me and one for my husband. Looks good.

[pinkytoe]

I have been thinking about this a lot lately and fully realize that DH would be absolutely helpless regarding administrative and financial matters since I take care of all of that now. He just inherited several IRAs after his mother's passing and is clueless about how to proceed with maintaining or investing. I am going to order one of those binders and get everything in there. Both of my parents passed at the age I am now so that adds to the pressure. As far as final arrangements, I don't have any strong feelings about where to be interred or scattered so that is a head-scratcher since we may not even be living in this state in the near future. I had to go casket shopping for my mother's burial and make her arrangements (and my brother's) when I was 35; it was traumatic trying to figure all that out. I don't want to leave those decisions to others if it can be helped. Another issue is that we haven't had any money/inheritance discussions with DD yet and that needs to happen.

[Rogar]

I've wondered if storing passwords in a little desktop digital wallet would be a good place to store pass words. It would be somewhat secure since you would need a password to acess things, but it would only be one password and in a central location? If a person changes their passwords routinely like you're supposed to it's sort of an ongoing task regardless of how passwords are kept.

[Tradd]

I've wondered if storing passwords in a little desktop digital wallet would be a good place to store pass words. It would be somewhat secure since you would need a password to acess things, but it would only be one password and in a central location? If a person changes their passwords routinely like you're supposed to it's sort of an ongoing task regardless of how passwords are kept.

I use the built in password keeper in Safari on my iPhone and iPad. Synced between the two. As long as you have iPhone passcode and Apple ID logon, you’re good. That’s what I’m putting in my book. I also use passkeys when possible now instead of passwords.

[ToomuchStuff]

Thanks, toomuchstuff, just ordered one for me and one for my husband. Looks good.


Hope it helps. There are lots of things that I thought I may forget if I tried to do it by hand. I figured if the book helped me remember something, SO worth it.
Still haven't finished either as I am somewhat trying to figure out what to pare down now, rather then leave in a will, etc.

[happystuff]

Years ago I gave everyone in the household a little notebook to write down their websites and passwords. Don't know how many of them have kept it up.

I do the financials in the household and have repeatedly tried to get dh to share in it all - even just UNDERSTAND it and know where things are! He will start out well, but then just not want to be bothered. Fortunately I'm organized and most things are all in one place. This thread, however, is a reminder that I do need to up my game on several aspects of information. Thanks!

[nswef]

This is on my list for ongoing chores...Passwords are the worst part. I have a good start. My husband did fine when I broke my hip and was in a home for 7 weeks, but he visited me every day so I could guide him. Thanks for the reminder.

[iris lilies]

So,I drafted my own obituary today after visiting the funeral home for locking in funeral plans. We are going with a basic memorial service and cremation. I am splurging on flowers for myself, but not for DH, so I allocated $500 for flowers. Yes, that is a lot! But appropriate for me, and I will leave instructions as to what kind of flowers (hint: iris and lilies would be correct!)

It’s going to run around $4700 for each of us.

[Tybee]

So,I drafted my own obituary today after visiting the funeral home for locking in funeral plans. We are going with a basic memorial service and cremation. I am splurging on flowers for myself, but not for DH, so I allocated $500 for flowers. Yes, that is a lot! But appropriate for me, and I will leave instructions as to what kind of flowers (hint: iris and lilies would be correct!)

It’s going to run around $4700 for each of us.

Well done! When I buried my parents and grandparents, I added a niche for me, so I've taken care of that. B ut I have not prepaid cremation as I don't know where I will be living. I know it is transferrable, but I'd rather put money aside and tell the family how to do it at the time, so they know what to do.

[nswef]

Yay! IrisLilies. That's very reasonable for the funeral costs. We have our gravestone already, but no funeral plans. It's behind our house in the local cemetery and I like to go look at it...get my money's worth!

[Tybee]

Yay! IrisLilies. That's very reasonable for the funeral costs. We have our gravestone already, but no funeral plans. It's behind our house in the local cemetery and I like to go look at it...get my money's worth!
That is cool. I buried my loved ones where my mom and I were born, but now it's super expensive there, a resort area, so I like to think I own a little real estate there, a final home.

[iris lilies]

Yay! IrisLilies. That's very reasonable for the funeral costs. We have our gravestone already, but no funeral plans. It's behind our house in the local cemetery and I like to go look at it...get my money's worth!
I don’t know where our remains will end up. That will be a whole Nother bunch of money going out. Right now I’m thinking for DH, his ashes can be buried in the Catholic cemetery in Hermann, which is high on a hill and overlooks our property. I like the idea of him watching over at his vegetable and fruit tree operation, although probably the next people in our house will rip out all of that stuff.

as for my remains, DH shows no interest in having it planned out so that’s fine with me, if he wants my ashes to sit around I guess that’s OK but I think he should be proactive and making a decision.

On the other hand, if all the decisions that require immediate attention upon my death are made, if my ashes sit around for a while until DH has a clear head, that doesn’t hurt anything.

[iris lilies]

Now I am searching for photographs for our obituaries. I always think getting a photograph of someone in their 50s or 60s is the best bet. That’s young enough that super decrepit old age has not set in, it’s not so young that the fashion of photography at the time is distracting.


Our funeral plan calls for an obituary in the local weekly paper, but our town also has a quaint habit of printing 4” x 5” obituary cards and distributing them around town to businesses where they sit on service counters so that town’s folk know the deceased person has died.

[jp1]

I've wondered if storing passwords in a little desktop digital wallet would be a good place to store pass words. It would be somewhat secure since you would need a password to acess things, but it would only be one password and in a central location? If a person changes their passwords routinely like you're supposed to it's sort of an ongoing task regardless of how passwords are kept.

Similarly i’ve got a thumb drive with all my financial passwords in a vault with the password to the vault written down on a piece of paper. This is all in a paper file folder stored in one of those old fashioned plastic document boxes. I’ve told SO it’s there but should probably remind him.

[kib]

I’m putting together what I refer to as the “Tradd’s dead - now what?” binder
I love that!

I get caught up in wanting to write letters of remembrance and reassurance, because yeah, the money stuff is cold and complicated. I know that the cold complicated part should come first, my people know I love them, but somehow I stall out.

My parents presented me occasionally with these fill-in books from places like AARP, which organize what people need to know in the event of death. The essential information was always missing. That is, the information I already knew was filled in, but the stuff I needed to know was left blank "for later". So maybe it's genetic? >8)

[Rogar]

I like the idea of a legacy box and just started mine with an out of use small hanging file box.

A password issue I ran into once as an estate executor is if the person has added a second level of security. If you have the password, but have cancelled cell phone service for someone diseased, it can get difficult.

[iris lilies]

I love that!

I get caught up in wanting to write letters of remembrance and reassurance, because yeah, the money stuff is cold and complicated. I know that the cold complicated part should come first, my people know I love them, but somehow I stall out.

My parents presented me occasionally with these fill-in books from places like AARP, which organize what people need to know in the event of death. The essential information was always missing. That is, the information I already knew was filled in, but the stuff I needed to know was left blank "for later". So maybe it's genetic? >8)

Taking care of the cold, complicated part i.e. finances *IS* the act showing love, remembrance, and reassurance.

some people go to great lengths in their legacy file to detail utility providers and etc., but I figure our executor will be able to figure that out and easily. I don’t need to keep detailed lists about that.

Don’t forget to make a list of the things that you do not have. Such as, we do not have life insurance. We do not have a bank box. We do not have car payments. Etc. saves executors crap tons of time in not having to look for these things.

[nswef]

Good point IrisLilies. Let them know what needs to be found....

[Alan]

I like the idea of a legacy box as well, although in my case it's a legacy briefcase. I have an old American Tourister briefcase I purchased in 1973 to house travel docs, training certificates, medals and awards as I travelled from one military assignment to another. Over the years I added birth certificates, marriage license, medical/educational records and other such items as they were acquired. Last year we updated wills and medical power of attorney's and added them to the briefcase after distributing copies to our daughter. We also took that opportunity to put together a financial master document with account locations and numbers as well as website user credentials and passwords for her use should we both die tomorrow. She knows about the briefcase and it's location so all she has to do is retrieve it when the time comes and all I have to do is keep it up to date.

[Tybee]

The books I ordered arrived and I opened mine and couldn't even start it. I think I will try to do one page a day. Or maybe week? I was going to fill in the location of my burial plot that I purchased, and it was just one line, and everything else I haven't done yet, and that one purchase tooks months and months of work and thousands of dollars, and it's going to be one line. So it's a little daunting.

[Tradd]

A cautionary tale:

A friend’s mother died about 18 months ago. Friend has a brother. There is a house and some investments. Friend has been living in the house while cleaning it out and getting some repairs (basic stuff) done. Her mom didn’t do a lot of maintenance. Brother is refusing to allow the house to be sold or other stuff to be done with the estate. Friend is executor. She has been paying taxes on the investments herself to the tune of $20K a year. She’s running into financial issues because of this. I’m sure there is info I’m missing or didn’t understand, but this is what I’ve been told. Friend is going to hire her own lawyer to get things pushed through

[iris lilies]

The books I ordered arrived and I opened mine and couldn't even start it. I think I will try to do one page a day. Or maybe week? I was going to fill in the location of my burial plot that I purchased, and it was just one line, and everything else I haven't done yet, and that one purchase tooks months and months of work and thousands of dollars, and it's going to be one line. So it's a little daunting.

The more I think about it, the more I think over the last couple days that I will not name a place for our remains. We are being cremated, so ashes consider around for a while until the people who remain decide what to do with them. I could put a note in my legacy file of what appropriate Ash gathering would be even though I don’t really care.

if we buy a burial plot though, it’s not thousands of dollars. If in your home guy estimated $350 to $500 at the Catholic cemetery.

That book rate reminds me of the time that we set up our trust. Well, there was a lot of back-and-forth about decision-making in the trust, there was tons of tedious detail to get assets placed *in* the trust. That was a pain in the ass and not one I’m looking forward to revisiting.

[iris lilies]

A cautionary tale:

A friend’s mother died about 18 months ago. Friend has a brother. There is a house and some investments. Friend has been living in the house while cleaning it out and getting some repairs (basic stuff) done. Her mom didn’t do a lot of maintenance. Brother is refusing to allow the house to be sold or other stuff to be done with the estate. Friend is executor. She has been paying taxes on the investments herself to the tune of $20K a year. She’s running into financial issues because of this. I’m sure there is info I’m missing or didn’t understand, but this is what I’ve been told. Friend is going to hire her own lawyer to get things pushed through

Happens all the time. Someone remains in the family house and it is the executor’s job to sell it and disburse proceeds thereby kicking out the occupier. Disharmony ensues.

Even worse is property left to multiple children. I am looking at you, catherine. :) Haha.

but leaving the family house to kids is pretty standard, even if not so smart. With my mom‘s house, there was only my brother to consult with and we were of the same mind. Once you spread that decision making power among more and more people, the decision making process gets exponentially more complicated.

[ToomuchStuff]

I don't know if it is allowed or legal, but I have always wanted to be cremated and my ashes spread over my grandparents graves, in the funeral home plot we were connected to. My earliest and happiest memory was at that funeral home (Harry Truman's funeral)

[Tybee]

I don't know if it is allowed or legal, but I have always wanted to be cremated and my ashes spread over my grandparents graves, in the funeral home plot we were connected to. My earliest and happiest memory was at that funeral home (Harry Truman's funeral)

It seems to be legal in some states, not in others, so check that out. In some places the funeral home will arrange interment in the same plot--I know they offered that at one of the cemeteries I was considering in Savannah.

[happystuff]

The more I think about it, the more I think over the last couple days that I will not name a place for our remains. We are being cremated, so ashes consider around for a while until the people who remain decide what to do with them. I could put a note in my legacy file of what appropriate Ash gathering would be even though I don’t really care.

if we buy a burial plot though, it’s not thousands of dollars. If in your home guy estimated $350 to $500 at the Catholic cemetery.

That book rate reminds me of the time that we set up our trust. Well, there was a lot of back-and-forth about decision-making in the trust, there was tons of tedious detail to get assets placed *in* the trust. That was a pain in the ass and not one I’m looking forward to revisiting.

Just saw something the other day about cremated remains being "turned into" rocks! Can't remember where or what the cost was, etc, but it was interesting that, instead of receiving a box of ashes, it was rocks. Easily "scattered" where ever and, as far as I know, not illegal to do so.

[Tradd]

I just ordered the book, too.

[Tybee]

That price estimate seems a little low, IL. I paid 5500 for three niches, each niche capable of holding two sets of ashes. The niches are outdoors but in a wall. I think my bil paid around 1500 for a two person niche in Winnetka.

[iris lilies]

That price estimate seems a little low, IL. I paid 5500 for three niches, each niche capable of holding two sets of ashes. The niches are outdoors but in a wall. I think my bil paid around 1500 for a two person niche in Winnetka.
That may be true, but I do know the price for the plots owned by the funeral home are $500. I just don’t like their location as much as the ones in the Catholic cemetary on the hill.

[Tybee]

That may be true, but I do know the price for the plots owned by the funeral home are $500. I just don’t like their location as much as the ones in the Catholic cemetary on the hill.

That does sound like a good deal. Two thoughts--do you have to pay interment on top of that? In Savannah and in Portland, Maine, the two places I looked at, the price was low but you paid on top of that to inter and it was not cheap. Other thought, can you get into the Catholic cemetary? Many of them you need paper from your priest. But maybe that has changed, too.

[iris lilies]

That does sound like a good deal. Two thoughts--do you have to pay interment on top of that? In Savannah and in Portland, Maine, the two places I looked at, the price was low but you paid on top of that to inter and it was not cheap. Other thought, can you get into the Catholic cemetary? Many of them you need paper from your priest. But maybe that has changed, too.

yes, there would be an additional charge to place ashes in a plot.

I did ask the funeral home guy if DH could get into the Catholic cemetery because I know there are rules that you have to be Catholic. He didn’t know. DH is not a practicing Catholic.

but right now, I’ve decided to let the ashes, both his and mine,sit in an urn without a plan to inter them anywhere. While scattering ashes might be against the law in my state, it’s not a law I am worried about breaking. I don’t think it’s a real environmental hazard.

[catherine]

One of our good friends up here is planning on getting a niche for his ashes (and his wife's) at St. Anne's Shrine, which has beautiful grounds on the lake. DH and I briefly considered it. You don't have to be Catholic, but you do have to be a benefactor.

I think we're going to go the cheaper route and disperse our ashes in the lake. It's nice to have a physical place to go to to remember your loved ones, but frankly, I see the guilt DH has for not going to see his mother's grave as often as he "should" and I don't want to put that on my kids.

[littlebittybobby]

okay-----about what you said, faux----you can also authorize the mortuary to dumpster the cremains. that's zackly what my sister suggested we do with the moms' ashes. yup. but noooo---after being stored here in a cabinet for nearly two decades, i discreetly spread them on her familys' plot up in IWAH. yup.

[iris lilies]

okay-----about what you said, faux----you can also authorize the mortuary to dumpster the cremains. that's zackly what my sister suggested we do with the moms' ashes. yup. but noooo---after being stored here in a cabinet for nearly two decades, i discretely spread them on her familys' plot up in IWAH. yup.
Iowa law calls for sellers of real estate to disclose when human ashes have been spread on it. Of course, we did not do that with DH’s father’s property when his ashes were spread on his farm. Yeah, I would imagine there’s plenty of Humboldt area farmland with human ashes.

You are more sentimental about stuff than your sister, apparently

[littlebittybobby]

okay-----IWAH law calls for a LOT of things, to show how conscientious and caring they all are about everything! ha. i figure it's a dense smoke screen concealing how they REALLY treat the land and other non-renewable resources and exploit people. yup. kind of like ted bundy (or eddie haskell) being soooo charming and personable. ha. hope that helps you some. yup. thankk mee.

[flowerseverywhere]

DH has been sick for over two years. Several times I did not think he was going to make it.

I have a joint safety deposit box with my kids and DH. Every account number, password with addresses and names of utilities, phone numbers and so on are in there. I print up latest account statements about every 6 months to update it. Our state laws won’t freeze the box if the kids are also on it. I told the kids to empty the box before telling the bank of the death if it’s both of us.

my husband and sister in law are selling the family house and no issues. 50-50 and both are keeping meticulous expense recording.

[rosarugosa]

I hope your DH is doing better, Flowers.

[happystuff]

That is a long time to be sick. I hope your dh is improving/has improved.

[ToomuchStuff]

Made it harder today, they are going to have to put up with me for a while longer, still dying, just not as fast.:laff:

[catherine]

Made it harder today, they are going to have to put up with me for a while longer, still dying, just not as fast.:laff:

That sounds like good news? I hope?

[ToomuchStuff]

That sounds like good news? I hope?


Depends on if you were one of the women I met, just after they met their future husband. LOL
I missed my Molly chance.