Thoughts on family togetherness

[pinkytoe]

Maybe it is just occurring in a certain strata of people, but I have noticed articles lately (and also in my own circle) where adult children are best friends with their parents and vice versa. I come from a time when the main goal of parenting was to raise an independent kid so the thought of spending that much time with your parents was considered just plain weird. A phone call every few weeks vs multiple texts a day now. DD has married into a best friends family and seems fine with it even though she was successfully on her own by 18. They go out to eat together weekly, text constantly and even go on vacations together. We talk a lot about moving back but I am just not comfortable with that much togetherness. Thoughts?

[catherine]

Guilty. We are a best friends family. In fact DH and I joke about how we downsized on purpose but our kids won't leave us alone!

I just recently ran into a similar "independent vs interdependent" family post on a financial literacy FB group I'm in. The adult woman was deep in debt and her family offered to bail her out with a loan. She felt really terrible and wanted to turn it down because she felt she should be more self-reliant. I actually responded to that post saying that I think it's a uniquely American phenomenon that people think kids should be kicked out of the nest for good and if they aren't fully "emancipated" they are--as you said--weird or worse: in a "failure to thrive" situation. In many other countries families just help each other out and appear to be much closer.

But that's just the financial aspect of the equation. When it comes to the social, I don't think there's a right or wrong. I'm sure it depends on upbringing and other factors, including just plain liking each other. I have often said that I'm so lucky because not only do I love my kids, I like them. I would have a great time hanging out with any one of them if I weren't related to them. And I feel so lucky that they seem to like me, too.

My parents died/became disabled shortly after I became an adult, but I would call my mother and I friends, if I had had the opportunity to develop that relationship as an adult. My mother and I always had a good time together.

Regarding vacations: there wasn't one vacation that we went on and paid for that didn't include my mother-in-law and brother-in-law. My mother-in-law died on vacation in Vermont with us.

[iris lilies]

My thoughts are each family develops its own system. I don’t want to text constantly, go on all vacations, or have weekly in person confabs with anyone. But that is me and my fondness for solitude. Other people want people around all the time and if that desire includes family members, there is nothing wrong with that.

I do not buy your characterization which seems to be children who do not separate healthily from their parents end up in this too-close relationship.

I firmly believe you can have perfectly functioning independent adults who also are close to their parents. One does not negate the other.

edited to add: I grew up in a Best Friends extended family. Uncles, cousins, aunts socialized often together and had weekend trips together. Loved that but do not miss it now.

[Tradd]

I read an article about it this week. Gen X was pushed to be independent adults. You went away to college and talked to family maybe once a week. Nowadays the kids are in contact multiple times a day often.

[pinkytoe]

I agree that every family situation is different but there is definitely a trend towards hanging out with your parents more than I ever recall. Maybe a return to times when families always clumped together. I grew up in a single parent household wand she was always at work and had no family close by so I probably would never be wholly comfortable with so many relatives around even if I liked them a lot. Both of my SIL's kids flew the coop and moved hundreds of miles away from their parents which we wonder about since they came from such a tight knit family.

[catherine]

Part of it may be related to need for support for child care. There are a lot of pressures "kids" have now with regard to parenting that I don't think I had, even though I did have a lot. Day care is very expensive. There are little family day care facilities anymore with the flexibility that comes with that. My kids' daycares will close at the drop of a hat. Conversely, if you want to work part time, you still have to pay for a full-time week. Almost everyone are dual-income parents. Often there is no time for a "normal" social life with friends. Plus parenthood is happening later, so I think parents might have less energy than new mothers had years ago when the standard a much younger childbearing stage.

So with all these pressures, maybe in some cases, kids can find relief--both emotionally and practically speaking by being close enough to parents to be able to have them pitch in.

Just a thought.

[happystuff]

I am living the experience that it is different with each child. Have a closer/"more communication" relationship with one child, but almost the exact opposite with another. Not sure why - not a negative/bad/etc relationship. Definitely would like even just a little more communication with the one. Makes me sad sometimes.

[catherine]

Coincidentally, I just received an article from The Atlantic on this exact question (https://www.nytimes.com/2024/07/18/opinion/republican-convention-jd-vance.html?campaign_id=190&emc=edit_ufn_20240718&instance_id=129092&nl=from-the-times&regi_id=75715320&segment_id=172484&te=1&user_id=53d0c6927438fd8c19a6b142f102f5fe)! See the hyperlink--I hope you can get to see it without a paywall but it examines the same questions: Isn't it "weird" for children and parents to be so close these days, unlike in generations past?

If you don't get to see it, basically they say that while at one time, after WWII, children who had a tight relationship with parents were considered "weird" or "maladjusted." But in their study they couldn't really find any downside to a close relationship between parents and kids... parents today offer a safety net for adults who, because they are marrying so late now, don't have the unconditional sounding board and experience in navigating various social and interpersonal skills as people marrying earlier. And as I mentioned earlier, that safety net undoubtedly extends to young families overwhelmed by the demands of work and day care center schedules.

The last paragraph:

Parents and kids who can count each other as family and friends are the luckiest of all. For decades, the parent-child relationship has been somewhat transactional: A parent keeps a child alive and healthy until adulthood, and eventually the grown kid comes back to take on the caregiver role. Under that model, the lives people lead in between—their silly exploits and daydreams, their minor grievances and pet peeves—happen largely out of each other’s sight. But why should all those everyday fragments be the province of only peers and partners? If people could stop worrying about whether the new parent-child closeness is a “crisis,” perhaps they’d come to see how beautiful it is for family members to ask—and receive—more from one another.

[Tradd]

Catherine, that must have been the same article I saw.

[pinkytoe]

Yes, that's the article that got me thinking about this topic.

[catherine]

Yes, that's the article that got me thinking about this topic.

Interesting! It is a good question.

I think my advocacy for the tight bond rather than the weaker one stems from my fervent desire that I had connected with both my parents more before they died young.