My estranged family wants back into my life after 30 years.

[Abigail]

I am a 45 year old female. Parents divorced when I was 6 - my sister was 18 at the time. Dad and I moved out of the family home - a house my mother had inherited from her family. I lived with my dad. My mother was very very comfortable financially - she inherited lots from her family and also had a regular paycheque from her family's business. When my parents divorced, I know that my sister moved out of the house and went traveling the world. I actually don't remember much at all about my mother and sister. The only thing I do remember is the explosive fights. I remember my sister physically kicking my father in the back at the top of the stairs, sending him crashing down the stairs. I remember my sister physically punching my dad several times. When dad and I moved out, that's the last I heard from my mom or sister - no birthday cards, no christmas cards, no phone calls, etc. I tried to call mom once a few months after we moved out and the number was disconnected - and she had sold the house. It was tough financially for dad and I. Mom never sent a penny in terms of child support or even a gift or anything once in a while. We lived in small rental units. I had a good childhood; I was lucky, because my dad was supportive and loving. Fast-forward 15 years to when I was 21. I had taken a pause from university to take care of my dad who was going through cancer treatments. My sister (33 at that time) contacted my dad through social media. She and her mother had been arrested and needed bail money. They had been arrested for a serious violent crime. I told dad not to get involved. He didn't listen. Gave them every single penny in his bank account. They said they wanted to be a family again. I stupidly believed them. My mom said had some work lined up and needed a car to get to work. I stupidly stupidly gave her my car, the one I had just worked so hard to pay off. A week later.... not a word from either of them. The phone numbers were disconnected. Fast-forward 14 years to last week. Now I am 45, my dad is 70. Dad has barely anything to live on; he lives with me, I pay the full rent etc etc. My sister contacted my dad through social media last week. That she misses her father and she misses her sister (me). My dad's bday is coming up next week; she wants us to meet and be a family again. Honestly, I know this sounds awful - but I want NOTHING to do with them. I don't want to know her number or how she is doing. I don't want to meet her, not for dinner and not for anything. Since I was 10 years old, I have been telling people that my mother died when I was a baby and I am an only child. To be honest - I had no clue if my mother was alive or not because she never wanted to be in my life, so for all I know she could have been dead. My dad says I am the problem right now, that I need to give them a chance and that I should have never told people my mother was dead and I was an only child - because that was never the truth. I don't know what to do. My dad told me this would mean the world to him at his age - to have his daughters be sisters and love one another. I want nothing to do with her. Am I in the wrong here?

[ToomuchStuff]

Not in the least. He is towards the end of his life, so there will always be regrets (like sisters not being sisters), but it takes both to make that happen. If he wants to meet her somewhere and visit with her (not your house), fine, but she would actually have to prove change first.

I had family I never knew, once contact me from their deathbed. During that conversation, I was blamed for the sins of my ancestors and told I was going to be just like them. It has messed with me most of my life. You can choose family, but you can't choose blood.

[catherine]

No, you are certainly not wrong. Your story reminds me of the parable of the scorpion and the frog. You might know it


A scorpion, not knowing how to swim, asked a frog to carry it across the river. “Do I look like a fool?” said the frog. “You’d sting me if I let you on my back!”

“Be logical,” said the scorpion. “If I stung you I’d certainly drown myself.”

“That’s true,” the frog acknowledged. “Climb aboard, then!” But no sooner than they were halfway across the river, the scorpion stung the frog, and they both began to thrash and drown. “Why on earth did you do that?” the frog said morosely. “Now we’re both going to die.”

“I can’t help it,” said the scorpion. “It’s my nature.”

Your sister and mother have shown you their true nature. You are wise to not let them back in your life. You can still feel some sadness and regret over your mother's abandonment and you can still have some feelings for them, but it doesn't mean you have to expose yourself to their dysfunctional and narcissistic behavior.

[Abigail]

Thanks @ToomuchStuff. I really appreciate it. Yes, this situation truly has messed with me most of my life - more than I like to admit. To be honest, it was really difficult when I was a kid and in my teens. It got easier when I was in my 30's. And now that I am in my 40's, I finally felt like I had moved past this - moved past the deep pain of this. And as soon as this resurfaces - the pain just comes right back, maybe even more than before.

Thanks for your kinds word, they really helped me feel like I am not completely wrong for feeling the way I do. I will let my father do as he pleases, it's his life and his decision. I will use my own good judgement and remind myself to keep using my brain.

That's the problem. I don't think change is possible for these two - they've proved it before. I know what the problem is. I had a chat with my dad and he told me that I'll understand more when I am his age. That at his age he just forgets all the bad stuff that happened and all the hurt that people caused him - and he just openly forgives everyone, no matter what they have done. Unfortunately, I think that is how he will proceed with this relationship again. All I can do is do what I feel is right for me, and that is to protect myself.

[Abigail]

Thank you @catherine. Thanks for sharing that parable - I have not heard it before. I think that's what is really bothering me - how painful this is for me. I've spent many years in therapy because of this. And I actually thought I had moved past this - moved past the pain of this. But now with them popping back up - it just shows me how much this still hurts. I hate how this can just paralyze me and my life. The worst part is knowing that it's truly in their nature to act the way they do, no matter who they hurt in the process. The scary part is knowing that I am blood related to that "nature". I guess the worst part of this for me (and I often tiptoe around it) is that I have lied to everyone I know and love - I told them my mother was dead and that I have no siblings. That's a lie and I am a liar for saying it. That hurts the most. That I lied and continue to lie to people I love and respect.

Thanks again for your words and advice. They really helped me feel like I am not crazy.




No, you are certainly not wrong. Your story reminds me of the parable of the scorpion and the frog. You might know it

A scorpion, not knowing how to swim, asked a frog to carry it across the river. “Do I look like a fool?” said the frog. “You’d sting me if I let you on my back!”

“Be logical,” said the scorpion. “If I stung you I’d certainly drown myself.”

“That’s true,” the frog acknowledged. “Climb aboard, then!” But no sooner than they were halfway across the river, the scorpion stung the frog, and they both began to thrash and drown. “Why on earth did you do that?” the frog said morosely. “Now we’re both going to die.”

“I can’t help it,” said the scorpion. “It’s my nature.”

Your sister and mother have shown you their true nature. You are wise to not let them back in your life. You can still feel some sadness and regret over your mother's abandonment and you can still have some feelings for them, but it doesn't mean you have to expose yourself to their dysfunctional and narcissistic behavior.

[rosarugosa]

Good parable, Catherine.
Good luck with these difficult family dynamics, Abigail.

[Tradd]

I’ll all for keeping the drama out of your life. I kicked toxic parents (alcoholism and the other an enabler) decades ago. Made my life much else stressful.

[happystuff]

I agree with the other posters. First and foremost, you need to care for yourself. Toxic family members are NOT your responsibility and cutting them out of your life doesn't necessarily mean you hate them/don't care for them - it means you are taking care of yourself and that you are a better person with them excluded from your life.

As a just-in-case scenario - if your dad wants to go out and meet with them, let him - but NOT inside your home! Put some chairs outside in case they come by (for whatever reason - dropping him off, etc) and let them sit outside, but you do NOT have to let them in or entertain them in any way!

Good luck to you!

[Tybee]

I agree with the other posters. First and foremost, you need to care for yourself. Toxic family members are NOT your responsibility and cutting them out of your life doesn't necessarily mean you hate them/don't care for them - it means you are taking care of yourself and that you are a better person with them excluded from your life.

As a just-in-case scenario - if your dad wants to go out and meet with them, let him - but NOT inside your home! Put some chairs outside in case they come by (for whatever reason - dropping him off, etc) and let them sit outside, but you do NOT have to let them in or entertain them in any way!

Good luck to you!

I agree with this but would not let them onto my property, either. Seriously. Think of it like the vampire stories--the vampires have to be invited in. Don't invite them in, don't let them cross your threshold.

I get where your dad is coming from but he is in a very different place, lifewise. You are not a liar, you are someone who created a story to protect yourself from intrusive thinking/judgments that would have been completely inappropriate for your situation. If you can reframe this--you operated out of self-protection and that was very wise.

If your dad wants to uber somewhere to meet them for a meal, then that is on him. I would stay far away from the other two people; you have good reason to.

[chrisgermany]

So sorry for what happened to you and your Dad.

If those you love and respect love and respect you back they will understand why you declared your bio mother dead and you being an only child.
If they don't understand you better learn that now before you invest more love and respect in them.

You absolutely have no obligation to give bio sis and bio mother a second, third or forth chance to disappoint you again.
As Happystuff wrote, do not let them into your home or entertain them.
Their interest in your Dad will go away once they realize that there is nothing to gain from him.

Take care!

[hana]

Sorry your bio sister and egg donor are horrible people. You have no obligation to deal with them and have the right to live a peaceful life. Don't let your father guilt you into interacting with them. He may wish to speak with his other daughter, you need to watch our for his interests.

If he wants to speak with sister make it clear that it will happen in a well lit public place like a cafe for a specific amount of time, and you will drive him to and from the place. Take him there and sit a discrete distance away so you can keep an eye on them. Most likely she will give him some sob story and want money, once seeing he has very little will try to guilt him into giving his last penny or taking out loans for her.

Talk to a lawyer or doctor about becoming his financial Power of Attorney, since he's getting older and wants to reconcile, he's an easy mark. Email you landlord and tell him a scam artist claiming to be your sister is trying to scam your elderly father, this way if/when she arrives at your door you have a paper trail with the landlord and call the police. Do this calmly, she'll count on you not wanting her to make a scene and upsetting your neighbors.

Hope this helps you and that she goes away when she she's there's no more withdrawals available at the Bank of Dad.

[Klunick]

My parents divorced when I was 8 but he had been in and out of the house for years due to leaving for "girlfriends" and mom taking him back. Us 3 kids had to convince my mom to stop taking him back and divorce. When he was around, he would always tell me that he didn't think I was his kid because I didn't look like him (brother and sister do but I look like my mom). With that, he said he didn't really have any feeling for me. He would never do stuff with me and excluded me when he would do stuff with my sister or take her anywhere. Brother is a lot older than me so he was already at college when most of this happened. He would never show up for our court ordered visitations. He would never call me to let me know why he didn't show up. We eventually stopped trying and life went on. Fast forward 20 years and suddenly he wanted to talk with me, call me, visit with me, etc. By that time, I didn't need a Dad and had done just fine without one for most of my life. I had no interest in a relationship with him. He was nothing but a stranger to me. He would reach out and I would ignore. He ended up dying a few years ago and when I got a copy of the Will, I was reference as "the daughter that never existed". I had to laugh at that. I was given $5 in his Will which I didn't accept. Didn't go to his funeral and don't plan on ever visiting his grave. I don't feel bad about it at all. He made his choice when I was little. He decided that I wasn't his daughter and he didn't want anything to do with me. Him coming to the realization when he was old that he made a mistake and wanted to fix it was a "too little too late" situation in my mind.

[Tybee]

That's a sad story. He sounds awful. I really feel for your younger self and am glad you do not feel bad about it anymore.
My first husband treated our sons in a similar fashion. He died and they were nice enough to go to his funeral. I didn't.

[Klunick]

That's a sad story. He sounds awful. I really feel for your younger self and am glad you do not feel bad about it anymore.
My first husband treated our sons in a similar fashion. He died and they were nice enough to go to his funeral. I didn't.

I know there is a saying like "Hurt people hurt people". He was so miserable in his life that he lied about every aspect of it even though a lot of his earlier life was pretty great. The man couldn't even tell the truth about his name. His name was Jack but he would say it was Jackson. Only people before a certain period of his life knew the truth. He lied about his military accomplishments even though he did some pretty cool stuff while in the military. My mom went to his funeral which was at Arlington National Cemetery and even received the flag that was draped over his casket. I think that was because she was the wife during the military years so his new wife wasn't eligible to receive it. I think my dad died knowing full well how much he screwed up his life. Divorcing my mom, cheating on her and his current wife, lying to anyone and everyone, being a mean person in general, etc. I can't imagine people feeling the way about me the way so many people felt about him. I wasn't the only one he hurt beyond repair. Others chose to forgive but most didn't.

[catherine]

I wish that people could have a "Scrooge" experience and see their ghosts of Christmas Future. I wonder how they would change?

I have a bracelet with 7 beads on it, each a different color and each representing my female relatives who had a big positive impact on my life in different ways. I cherish their memories and every day I say a prayer of gratitude for their roles in my life.

OTOH, when everyone is posting pictures on social media of their fathers on Father's Day with glowing tributes, I have nothing at all to say about my father--and I have always been the one to be kind to his memory. People tell me he was funny. I know he was very creative and philosophical. He was basically a good human being. But he was a crappy father, and on my bracelet, the color of my mother's stone is red, for her courage in leaving him in the early 60s when no one got divorced and, she thereby saved the family.

Two of my brothers have nothing good to say about him, with good reason. He was terrible to them. My youngest brother has more benign feelings towards him, as do I. If I were my father and if there is a heaven and hell, I would be in hell right now, looking at the wasted opportunity to share a loving life with my own children, and having to stare down the consequences of my own selfishness and refusal to change.

[iris lilies]

I wish that people could have a "Scrooge" experience and see their ghosts of Christmas Future. I wonder how they would change?

I have a bracelet with 7 beads on it, each a different color and each representing my female relatives who had a big positive impact on my life in different ways. I cherish their memories and every day I say a prayer of gratitude for their roles in my life.

OTOH, when everyone is posting pictures on social media of their fathers on Father's Day with glowing tributes, I have nothing at all to say about my father--and I have always been the one to be kind to his memory. People tell me he was funny. I know he was very creative and philosophical. He was basically a good human being. But he was a crappy father, and on my bracelet, the color of my mother's stone is red, for her courage in leaving him in the early 60s when no one got divorced and, she thereby saved the family.

Two of my brothers have nothing good to say about him, with good reason. He was terrible to them. My youngest brother has more benign feelings towards him, as do I. If I were my father and if there is a heaven and hell, I would be in hell right now, looking at the wasted opportunity to share a loving life with my own children, and having to stare down the consequences of my own selfishness and refusal to change.

my Great grandmother divorced her alchoholic husband back in the day when “ no one got divorced” so yes, people were getting divorced.

I run into newspaper articles about her restaurant business in Des Moines where she was an active member of the women’s business association. It is nice, reading about her activities. I am grateful for visiting the downtown building where her restaurant was, decades before Des Moines city fathers decided to tear it down.

Downtown Des Moines—now a generic midwestern downtown where nothing is recognizable from previous generations. Hope they are are happy, those city fathers.

[iris lilies]

On the subject of not so great fathers and grandfathers, it is interesting that the identified alcoholic, this great grandfather, is the one whose family I could trace back to Scotland. FINALLY. Finally, got back to 1400’s Scotland.

I suspect my Stuart great great grandfather of being a drinker but there is no confirmation. He seemed to have troubles and spent some time in the county poor house. His is the lineage I wanted to trace, but no luck.

[catherine]

On the subject of not so great fathers and grandfathers, it is interesting that the identified alcoholic, this great grandfather, is the one whose family I could trace back to Scotland. FINALLY. Finally, got back to 16xx Scotland.

I suspect my Stuart great great grandfather of being a drinker but there is no confirmation. He seemed to have troubles and spent some time in the county poor house. His is the lineage I wanted to trace, but no luck.

Well, ya know, the Scots do love the drink.

[iris lilies]

Generally speaking, I think It’s healthier to cut ties with toxic family, or at least to keep a distance with firm boundaries. I’m never going to say “oh but they’re your family! Family is everything!” Ummm, nope. I assume people I know who have cut family ties have their own good reasons even if they’re not obvious to me, and even if it’s not necessarily what I would do in that situation.

I just finished reading Hidden Valley Road about a family who had 12 children, and 6 of the brothers ended up with schizophrenia. The two youngest in that family were girls, and they experienced extreme trauma and dysfunction. A lot of violence went on in their home. One of the mentally ill brothers raped them.

these two sisters in adulthood handled their family relations very differently with one creating quite a distance, and the other jumping into solve all the famiy problems by taking legal custody of her mentally ill brothers, taking them to appointments, working with their doctors on medication.

The sister who is doing so much of the work was, predictably, angry with the sister who distanced herself. She was resentful that her sister and other siblings did not step up and in the way she imagined they should step up.

How often do we see this dynamic?

by the end of the book, it seems that both sisters had come to accept the reality that everyone’s path in life will be different and none of them should resent others for the path they choose. Well, that seems like a neat and tidy summary, that really is the way life should be.

[catherine]

I agree. It is healthier to cut ties. Gabor Mate, who has spent his professional life studying addiction, wrote in his book "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts"


"A therapist once said to me, 'If you face the choice between feeling guilt and resentment, choose the guilt every time.' It is wisdom I have passed on to many others since. If a refusal saddles you with guilt, while consent leaves resentment in its wake, opt for the guilt. Resentment is soul suicide."

[iris lilies]

I agree. It is healthier to cut ties. Gabor Mate, who has spent his professional life studying addiction, wrote in his book "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts"


"A therapist once said to me, 'If you face the choice between feeling guilt and resentment, choose the guilt every time.' It is wisdom I have passed on to many others since. If a refusal saddles you with guilt, while consent leaves resentment in its wake, opt for the guilt. Resentment is soul suicide."


Some people have to cut ties entirely with those who want to interact with them because they are unable to keep firm boundaries.

I suspect that is what happened with my niece who doesn’t speak to her mother, and has not spoken to her for more than a decade. Her mother is not openly toxic and the two were super close until my niece turned 20. Sure, her mother is…”extra” (and she irritates her brother who is my DH) but there was no addictions or mental illness or severe outward problems.

My guess is that my niece, being young and learning her way along in life, wasn’t able to set the firm boundaries needed to continue to interact with her mother. Now so much time has elapsed in this mode she is embarrassed to change it.

[Abigail]

Thanks @chrisgermany. I appreciate your answer. I just want you to know that it made me feel much better. I have not let these people back in my life. My dad is his own person and has to make decisions for himself. He decided he wanted to meet my sister for his birthday. I told him that is his choice but that he has to respect my decision that they are absolutely NOT allowed in my home - not inside, not outside, nowhere near us actually. I also told him that while he does live in my home and I am glad that he does live in my home, I would appreciate it if he did not disclose our home address to my biological sister and biological mother. I told him I have plenty of good reasons for that. He went to dinner with my sister and my mother for his birthday. He said they basically were just looking for money; sister needs money to go back to school and fix up her house, mother needs money to pay for medical bills apparently. He said he had a hard time believing any of what they were saying and that it seemed like they were shocked and not interested once he told them he has no money, no income coming in, no savings and lives with me. My sister and mother of course chose to go to the most expensive restaurant in town - and of course they had no money to pay for their bill. So he paid over $400 for the meal. He has not heard from them since - not a peep. I guess some people never change. And I hope we never hear from them again.

[happystuff]

Thanks @chrisgermany. I appreciate your answer. I just want you to know that it made me feel much better. I have not let these people back in my life. My dad is his own person and has to make decisions for himself. He decided he wanted to meet my sister for his birthday. I told him that is his choice but that he has to respect my decision that they are absolutely NOT allowed in my home - not inside, not outside, nowhere near us actually. I also told him that while he does live in my home and I am glad that he does live in my home, I would appreciate it if he did not disclose our home address to my biological sister and biological mother. I told him I have plenty of good reasons for that. He went to dinner with my sister and my mother for his birthday. He said they basically were just looking for money; sister needs money to go back to school and fix up her house, mother needs money to pay for medical bills apparently. He said he had a hard time believing any of what they were saying and that it seemed like they were shocked and not interested once he told them he has no money, no income coming in, no savings and lives with me. My sister and mother of course chose to go to the most expensive restaurant in town - and of course they had no money to pay for their bill. So he paid over $400 for the meal. He has not heard from them since - not a peep. I guess some people never change. And I hope we never hear from them again.

Congrats to you for standing firm in your desires. Sounds like it was an expensive "lesson" - so to speak - for your dad, but at least now he really does know where he stands with them.

[catherine]

I agree with happystuff. You handled that beautifully, Abigail.

[chrisgermany]

You did the right thing. It was sad for your father but he saw their true and unchanges colors.