Kali, Goddess of Destruction

[catherine]

So, I am not Hindu (although I do like Ram Dass's podcasts), but I can't help evoking Kali's name, because I think she has flown in to spend time with me and my family in 2025.

January
Mid-January, DH came down with pneumonia.. like he was laid up for weeks--his health is somewhat compromised anyway, but he slowly regained his strength without having to go to the hospital

January 23 my DD was diagnosed with breast cancer. Thankfully it is only "locally" advanced, but she is undergoing very aggressive therapy starting next week and she won't be finished with the core part of it until around next November. TooMuchStuff, if you have words of advice you can give me to help her get through it, I'd love to hear it. You can DM me if you want.

February
Last week I went to a market research conference in Philly and was able to catch dinner with my NJ son who told me that the s**t has hit the fan with his wife. She has not supported him or the kids as a mother or wife in any way for a couple of years now. She will not get help for the mental health issues she admits to. He determined in December that it is over. He is going to be a single parent and he has started the process for that. So again, DH and I are gearing up to do what we can for that part of our family as well. DS and the two kids will be spending a couple of weeks up here in VT in the summer. The summer can't come soon enough as far as I'm concerned.

Then just after I told my DD and DSIL that DH and I would be totally able to babysit this weekend while DD prepares for her medical treatment, I tested positive for COVID. I'm hoping that I test negative by the end of the week (tomorrow). (stop laughing, Kali!)


So I just have to sit and wonder what all this "destruction" in my life means. Hoping I get the positive transformations I'm supposed to from all of this.

Is it 2026 yet? Thanks for listening.

[Tybee]

Oh, Catherine, that is a lot! I am particularly sorry to hear about your DD and sending healing thoughts her way. I know you guys are tough, but that is an awful lot to absorb at one time. I am glad that your son and grandchildren will be able to get up to VT over the summer--you really want to hold them close at times like these.
Time for Kali to move on.

[pinkytoe]

Catherine, that's a lot to deal with. It feels like the whole country headed south too as soon as the New Year hit. Ours is smooth thus far but I know from experience that can change in an instant.

[iris lilies]

Oh man, your daughter is too young for that bullshit. Too young! I am so sorry to hear this.

[catherine]

Thanks, all.

Yes, DD's diagnosis came out of the blue and quite shocking, but of course it does happen to young people. I'm just glad it was caught pretty early, and she is young and resilient so there is that.

[Tybee]

One of my sons got divorced and that was super hard for the whole family. Obviously hardest for him but it really was hard for me to deal with--still feeling the fallout 10 years later. The more they can stay out of court, the better, that's what I found. So much easier said than done--they were still fighting about things in court a year ago.

No one ever feels they get what they want in family court, there are no winners, that's for sure. It is a marathon not a sprint, much like caring for an aging relative. The more the parties can work things out together the better, but that's often not possible.

[catherine]

One of my sons got divorced and that was super hard for the whole family. Obviously hardest for him but it really was hard for me to deal with--still feeling the fallout 10 years later. The more they can stay out of court, the better, that's what I found. So much easier said than done--they were still fighting about things in court a year ago.

No one ever feels they get what they want in family court, there are no winners, that's for sure. It is a marathon not a sprint, much like caring for an aging relative. The more the parties can work things out together the better, but that's often not possible.

Yeah, I wonder how it's going to go. The hard thing is that he still loves her, but frankly, the kids were the ones that went to their dad and asked him to have her leave. Of course he didn't do it just because they asked him to, but it was definitely a moment of truth for him.

And, I feel bad for her in the sense that she's a human being, and I had a relationship with her, and it's sad to see the past 11 years become a "back then before the divorce" time period. I feel terrible for my son who has bent over backwards to make it work, but in the end, there will be peace.

[Tradd]

Goodness!

[iris lilies]

Yeah, I wonder how it's going to go. The hard thing is that he still loves her, but frankly, the kids were the ones that went to their dad and asked him to have her leave. Of course he didn't do it just because they asked him to, but it was definitely a moment of truth for him.

And, I feel bad for her in the sense that she's a human being, and I had a relationship with her, and it's sad to see the past 11 years become a "back then before the divorce" time period. I feel terrible for my son who has bent over backwards to make it work, but in the end, there will be peace.
Here is where I would like to gently point out that this is a good example of why you don’t put your children on the deed to your home in order to avoid the government confiscating it for nursing home costs. I’m not a lawyer, but your son’s wife has SOME legal interest in his assets and property. I would not want her hands in my primary and only home. I don’t know what those legal interests are and I would not want to find out.

[frugal-one]

So sorry for all you are going through, Catherine! I, too, am hoping 2026 is better!

[ToomuchStuff]

January 23 my DD was diagnosed with breast cancer. Thankfully it is only "locally" advanced, but she is undergoing very aggressive therapy starting next week and she won't be finished with the core part of it until around next November. TooMuchStuff, if you have words of advice you can give me to help her get through it, I'd love to hear it. You can DM me if you want.



Well, not knowing her personally, I must say, everyone is a bit different. After childhood things I was always more serious. It wasn't until I got cancer that I felt I could lighten up. Humor is a great way to deal with it, when one is ready. A gal at my Chemo, has a shirt that reads, "Yes they are fake, my real ones tried to kill me". A friends wife, who went through it years ago (and had a crush on me), always felt bad, until she did the cosmetic thing (something for her benefit, not the mindset of others).
Having a good support system helps. What helps even more is if she can connect with someone who has been through it and come out the other side. That provides hope, and real life experiences she can learn from. A friend of mine went through it years ago, and I was in his support structure when he did, before the general public found out. I got to learn from him about the issues that I would deal with (Ostomy), much more then the doctors went over. My mothers nurse group (she was one), had experience with another thing that panicked us both early on. (nobody mentioned, disgusting medical thing, everyone does)
Something you don't want to hear, but helped me, is more morbid. I've known kids, dying from cancer or other issues, a friends 14 year old daughter was days away from dying when she got a heart transplant. Everyone is mortal, but I don't feel bad getting it at my age, because I have had a chance to live, kids haven't. Seeing sick kids makes you snap out of your pity party real quick. You only scar if you survive, and then they only show where you have been, not where your going.

Anything else I can do to help, I'm dying to know;)

[rosarugosa]

Catherine, I am so very sorry for all that you and your family are going through. I know your DD got married relatively recently. I hope her DH is a good source of support; that will make an enormous difference for her.

[happystuff]

Oh, my goodness! Catherine, you and your family are all in my thoughts and prayers. Sending positive thoughts and energies to everyone who is dealing with the effects of Kali!

[catherine]

Well, not knowing her personally, I must say, everyone is a bit different. After childhood things I was always more serious. It wasn't until I got cancer that I felt I could lighten up. Humor is a great way to deal with it, when one is ready. A gal at my Chemo, has a shirt that reads, "Yes they are fake, my real ones tried to kill me". A friends wife, who went through it years ago (and had a crush on me), always felt bad, until she did the cosmetic thing (something for her benefit, not the mindset of others).
Having a good support system helps. What helps even more is if she can connect with someone who has been through it and come out the other side. That provides hope, and real life experiences she can learn from. A friend of mine went through it years ago, and I was in his support structure when he did, before the general public found out. I got to learn from him about the issues that I would deal with (Ostomy), much more then the doctors went over. My mothers nurse group (she was one), had experience with another thing that panicked us both early on. (nobody mentioned, disgusting medical thing, everyone does)
Something you don't want to hear, but helped me, is more morbid. I've known kids, dying from cancer or other issues, a friends 14 year old daughter was days away from dying when she got a heart transplant. Everyone is mortal, but I don't feel bad getting it at my age, because I have had a chance to live, kids haven't. Seeing sick kids makes you snap out of your pity party real quick. You only scar if you survive, and then they only show where you have been, not where your going.

Anything else I can do to help, I'm dying to know;)

Love the gallows humor, TMS, and the boob T-shirt. That's hilarious! Thank you so much for this. In my job I have interviewed many, many doctors and patients and caregivers, and you think you know a little until it personally hits you. I'm trying to share what I know with DD, but this is going to be her journey (one I wish God would take from her and give to me). I agree with you on hearing from people who have been through it. We know one or two people in the islands we are encouraging her to talk with, but right now she's so in the weeds with overwhelm she's not there yet. I'm sure that opportunity will come along. Since she is still considered early stage, I am optimistic that she will be fine for a long time, at least once she gets chemo/surgery/radiation behind her, but as you well know, from this point on, it's never really behind you. We are now embarking on what "new normal" will look like. Thanks again. Your advice means a lot.

[iris lilies]

I am so glad your daughter has your strong family behind her. That will help her so much. You may think you aren’t doing much and will want to do much more, but rest assured you are giving her much support.

[catherine]

I am so glad your daughter has your strong family behind her. That will help her so much. You may think you aren’t doing much and will want to do much more, but rest assured you are giving her much support.

Thank you, IL. I do feel lucky in that regard.

[happystuff]

Your the mom. If you are anything like me, you want to fix everything for your kids. Please know that you are probably doing more than you think! Continuing to send positive and healing energies.

[catherine]

Your the mom. If you are anything like me, you want to fix everything for your kids. Please know that you are probably doing more than you think! Continuing to send positive and healing energies.

Thank you, happystuff.