View Full Version : Regrets?
The threads on things missing from your life and career changes made me think of things I did that I regret. One: getting out of the Coast Guard earlier than I wanted. Two: getting married young - right guy, wrong time, should have waited until I was older and sown my (and his) wild oats first. Otherwise I'm somewhat OK with everything else - except wish I would have waited to sell my house sometime around 2006 or so :~)!
So any big regrets? personal, lifestyle, financial, etc..?.
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IshbelRobertson
8-4-11, 2:16pm
No, no regrets! (Hey, wasn't that an Edith Piaf song?)
I don't think so..... When I look around and see the stresses and hardships others are going through, i.e. failed marriages, hectic careers, unhappy living arrangements, etc, I'm grateful for the way my life turned out. There is an inner part of me (deep down inside) that calls out from time to time causing me to pause and reflect on my life, and the life I might have chosen had I pursued being the career type, but I'm content with being the stay-at-home mom/wife/homemaker/domestic goddess that I am. Being happy with who you are, what you are, and what you have, is, IMO, a most finicky balance. Find that balance and life is good!
chanterelle
8-4-11, 2:24pm
No, none. I was just 60 and realized that every decision that I made back then, even if I would do things differently now, helped shape me into the person that I am today. I am really proud of that person.
Hindsight helps me shape the road ahead.....but who know how I'll feel about my choices in the future?
I can just move foward according to my internal compass aqnd adjust course as I go.
1, did not go see my grandmother when she was in the Nursing Home before she passed away.
2, made a poor choice as a teen with guy...ended in even a poorer choice a few weeks later.
Both perhaps, I can attribute to youth??
Those are the two that I consider real regrets....everything else is just a choice I made at a given time in life that seemed so right at the moment and I accept all of my choices.
I don't think so..... When I look around and see the stresses and hardships others are going through, i.e. failed marriages, hectic careers, unhappy living arrangements, etc, I'm grateful for the way my life turned out. There is an inner part of me (deep down inside) that calls out from time to time causing me to pause and reflect on my life, and the life I might have chosen had I pursued being the career type, but I'm content with being the stay-at-home mom/wife/homemaker/domestic goddess that I am. Being happy with who you are, what you are, and what you have, is, IMO, a most finicky balance. Find that balance and life is good!
When I envision you I'm reminded of a weekly cartoon we have here called "Rose vs. Rose" or something like that. She is a stay at home mom who occaionally channels her inner leather clad biker chick wild child (in her mind). Very sweet cartoon.
"Rose Gumbo - Wife and mother. Rather shy in public situations, she makes the lifestyle of an everyday housewife appear adventurous and highly glamorous. She's witty, well read, sews sweet costumes for her son, bakes brownies, takes in a sunset almost daily, and teases her husband with her strawberry shampoo. She can hold a pleasant conversation with anyone, from her next-door neighbor to the birds living in the tree in her front yard. She's always there with a huge hug to comfort her husband and son, and never misses a night to tuck her little Pasquale in bed. Like Jimbo has to spiders, Rose has a deep fear of dust mites, derived from when she once saw a magnified image of one, and in her vivid imagination they tend to take on rather exaggerated proportions.
Vicky the Biker - Rose's alter-ego. The adventurous biker chick, with a leather miniskirt and a rose tattoo, who lives on the edge and takes all those risks that you can't quite get away with as a housewife. She loves jalapeņos and rattlesnake chili. Most likely to be seen riding her Harley into the sunset."
Spartana. You are my hero! I love it!!! I'm not one to toot my own horn or turn my lights on for anyone, but Rose Gumbo is me! Totally! (Or I'm her). Either or, she's a perfect fit. My alter ego smokes cigarettes, wears tight fitting pants, and wears her hair in an up-doo! She's sophisticated, yet trashy in a clean and classy sort of way.
I regret not getting back with my college sweetheart when I had the chance and married my first husband instead for five miserable years. But then, I wouldn't have met DH #2, and had 21 happy years. So, there ya go.
Mighty Frugal
8-4-11, 5:09pm
I regret the spiral perm I got in the 90s.
I regret all the fattening food I ate in my 20s
I regret slacking so much in high school
I regret not going to Paris when I had the chance (now it'll be years before I can go!)
I regret that crazy 'nicky nicky nine door' night when I broke my front tooth (many thousands of dollars and trips to the dentist because of it-but I still play it-ha ha)
But, like others, I am happy with my life, happy where I landed and I realize everything I did in my past has led me here. No real complaints or regrets.
dado potato
8-4-11, 5:28pm
Ishbel nailed it... Edith Piaf's swan song can be seen on Youtube. ...je ne regrette rien...
No, none. I was just 60 and realized that every decision that I made back then, even if I would do things differently now, helped shape me into the person that I am today. I am really proud of that person.
This is exactly how I feel, even though I am not 60 yet (I turned 37 yesterday). I feel this way (no regrets) even on the days that I am not particularly proud of myself. I feel that I am very self-aware (I can list all of my faults, instantly, upon request); I know myself. I am my past mistakes, and I'm OK with that.
Kara
As I get older, I have only two real regrets-that I smoked cigarettes for 30+ years and that we didn't move back to Colorado some 20 years ago when the opportunity arose. I could have all other kinds of regrets but life is too short to stew about what has already happened...or not. In the end, I am content with my life most days and try to keep things in perspective.
Sad Eyed Lady
8-4-11, 6:52pm
I mostly regret not being a better daughter/granddaughter/niece and appreciating my family when I had them.
I wish je ne regrette rien. Mais, en efect, je regrette beaucoup.
I regret putting my needs on the back burner. I regret not talking to my mother more often when I was busy with my own family--and I regret not standing up to my husband when he discouraged her visits and phone calls. I regret being embarrassed by her even though people loved her nutty behavior. I regret not telling my husband that it was more important to me to see my mother on her birthday than go on a family ski trip--turned out it was her last birthday. But I was just being wimpy at the time.
I regret not keeping a more organized house when my kids were growing up. I regret accepting the unacceptable. I regret giving up hobbies like drawing and needlework; I regret giving up acting because I was afraid.
I regret allowing myself to say "yes" too often, resulting in financial disaster.
I know this sounds like a lot of regrets, but it's not that I'm not able to look past them. I have to, don't I? What's done is done. But I can't say I have no regrets because the truth is I would have like to have treated my mother better, and there's no spiritual learning to come out of that other than I should have treated her better. I can't say, well, I can't regret being disorganized and flaky when my kids were growing up because they probably suffered from that. So of course I regret it.
But I know that God forgives sinners, and I've asked for His forgiveness. I've asked that I can take these regrets; take the pain from them and weave them into a better me, but I'll always regret having to learn these lessons by hurting people I love.
Oh, my, Catherine. How well put.
I like to believe that I have no regrets and I have none of the suck-your-soul-out guilt-filled regrets that I had in my life before therapy. But in reading Catherine's post, I realize that there are still things about which I feel regretful...maybe not remorseful because I have done my amends, over and over. But I do regret, for example, that I had to get divorced after 26 years of being married, and that I didn't figure out how to stand up for myself and claim space and the right to have what I needed within the marriage..that I had to learn how to do all of that afterward, and that all of us, my husband, children, and me, were wounded by the divorce. I don't regret it in the sense that I wish I were not divorced because my life now is pretty rich and full and enormously different to what it had been, and my children do not seem damaged but resilient (they were adults at the time) but regardless of that, regret is part of the whole picture. My whole picture. Thanks, Catherine, for that frame that helped me to experience this more fully.
And of course I regret that I haven't yet won the lottery. But you have to play to win, as they say in New York. A minor regret....
What Catherine said about being made a better person. I'm intensely thankful that I was able to not self destruct, taking people I love with me.
One: student loan debt. That's it! And, it's only money, not people.
I have no regrets over the major forks in the road I've chosen such as education and career choice, marriage who & and when, children or no, moving around or staying put.
There are many smaller things I'd like a do-over on, however.
I'm 42 and never married. I wish I had met someone years ago, so I could have had the chance to be a stay at home wife and mom, which I always wanted to do. I'm pretty OK with no kids now (severe endometriosis). I realize that if I do get married, I'll be a harder nut to crack, in a sense, since I've lived on my own for so long. On the other hand, being still single has allowed me to purse an intensive course of theological education (I seriously don't know how the guys with a family do it!), be very involved in choir/work on my music, be president of a local denominational organization. I've not been particularly fond at times of being prez, but it's been a very good learning experience.
I do wish I'd been better with my finances and saved more.
WorldFoodie
8-5-11, 4:20am
I recently read Regrets-of-the-Dying (http://www.inspirationandchai.com/Regrets-of-the-Dying.html) done by a pallative care nurse and found it interesting.
The points are:
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I didn't work so hard.
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
For me, a versoin of number 1 is a disapointment of myself, but it is not the path that was to be...
Cheers,
WorldFoodie
Actually, one more: not developing the habit of exercising early in life... at age 56, being overweight and hating exercise is a drag. Now that I live in the city and drive a computer for a living, I barely get any exercise. When I lived rurally, I walked so much more, split firewood, etc. I frankly hate exercise, and my knees hurt; a result of less movement & extra weight... it's really hard to interrupt this cycle.
Moving to Phoenix. Buying a house here. Not going back to school earlier. I am hopeful that in time these things will make me into some better person down the road and I do think about how to make that happen. Time will tell.
I regret not spending a college year in Pavia when I had the chance. Lately I regret not emigrating--then or later. I wish I had studied harder, learned more languages, used my talents better. I regret ever getting caught up in corporate bondage. I regret not "getting it" re what's best for me long ago. Geez. Now I think I'll go hurl myself off a parapet...
ETA: Oh, and ever buying this house.
I have no regrets over the major forks in the road I've chosen such as education and career choice, marriage who & and when, children or no, moving around or staying put.
There are many smaller things I'd like a do-over on, however.
Yeah, if I could just have one do-over (a big one - not to get married) I think I'd be better contented with the direction my life took. Again, great guy, great relationship, EXTREMELY supportive of my crazy career (of which his was the same) but too many sacrifices made by both of us that we shouldn't have made. Not that my life isn't great, but I do wish I had taken the "other" fork in the road even though I was told it was the wrong one to take by others. Should have listened to myself rather than others. Lesson learned!
I read this one and then put it off, but kept thinking about it. So figured I should get something down.
I actually don't think I have many regrets. Live so far could have been better, but has also been very generous. I had some wild oats to sow also, so never married, but have some great adventures both socially and in the out of doors. Sometimes I find myself humming that Eagles Desparado song. Then I look around at friends who have been ruined emotionally or financially in a bad marriage. Of course there are those marriage success stories. So it's hard to say how things might have turned out in a different path. Maybe regrets, maybe not.
I probably could have made some wiser health choices in my younger days, but I'm trying to make up for it. I've had two diverse and interesting careers and then a fairly early retirement with few real money needs since I've always been satisfied with simple things. I wonder about that job a person is born to and never tires of or never wants to retire, but am not sure what that might have been for me.
I guess those are the big three when you go to the fortune teller...health, romance, and money and career. So no huge regrets.
One thing I've often thought about. When my folks were in their declining days they had a rought time of it. I was still working and only able to provide limited support. I sometimes wish I would have figured out a way to have made their later days easier. I've thought of a few things that might have worked out. As long as I could recall they had always siad, "when we get old we don't want to be a burden on you." I don't know if I would have considered it a burden, but maybe things turned out like they wanted.
I read this one and then put it off, but kept thinking about it. So figured I should get something down.
I actually don't think I have many regrets. Live so far could have been better, but has also been very generous. I had some wild oats to sow also, so never married, but have some great adventures both socially and in the out of doors. Sometimes I find myself humming that Eagles Desparado song. Then I look around at friends who have been ruined emotionally or financially in a bad marriage. Of course there are those marriage success stories. So it's hard to say how things might have turned out in a different path. Maybe regrets, maybe not.
I probably could have made some wiser health choices in my younger days, but I'm trying to make up for it. I've had two diverse and interesting careers and then a fairly early retirement with few real money needs since I've always been satisfied with simple things. I wonder about that job a person is born to and never tires of or never wants to retire, but am not sure what that might have been for me.
I guess those are the big three when you go to the fortune teller...health, romance, and money and career. So no huge regrets.
One thing I've often thought about. When my folks were in their declining days they had a rought time of it. I was still working and only able to provide limited support. I sometimes wish I would have figured out a way to have made their later days easier. I've thought of a few things that might have worked out. As long as I could recall they had always siad, "when we get old we don't want to be a burden on you." I don't know if I would have considered it a burden, but maybe things turned out like they wanted.
My Mom always said the same thing "I don't want to be a burden to you kids when I grow old'. So she planned accordingly as well as she could on her VERY limited resources. But I was happy to be able to be work-free and retired when she did need some care so that I was there to be able to provide it to her - not financially but physically. Made the decsion to live frugally and retire early a real blessing.
Yeah I hear you about the marriage thing. I know friends who have been absolutely shattered by both their marriages and their divorces. And many continue to stay in a marriage even though it has devasted them in many ways. I am fortunate that I wasn't one of those. I actually don't consider my marriage a failure, but a great success - even a great (epic?) love story. I view the relationship as a wonderful, loving experience in that we cared for, nurtured and derived great joy from it. I never under stood why the longegivity of a marriage was what made it a success or failure. I mean, we don't judge a life well lived or a job well done to be a failure if both are short lived. But why is a marriage a failure if it is short lived? Althought at 17 years of marriage I guess it wasn't TOO short lived :-).
But I do know it probably sounds harsh to people to hear me say "if I could have a do over I would't marry that person again". But I think alot of people would say the same even if their marriages where wonderful but, because of that marriage, other aspects of their lives were lacking. Take someone like Mrs. M here, a woman in a wonderful marriage with 6 (SIX!!!) wonderful children (hope you don't mind me using you for my example). She's in a wondferful marriage to a great guy. They're madly in love and she couldn't imagine a more perfect guy or perfect relationship for her. But if, after years of putting off having kids for one reason after another, her hubby announced that, while he adores her and couldn't imagine life without her, he decided he absolutely didn't want to have children - ever. She would then have to make that tough choice - stay married to a wonderful person but never have children or granchildren, or leave and hope that the biological clock doesn't run out before meeting and marrying another "maybe not as great" guy, but one who wants to have kids. A heart breaking decsion. Lets say she opts to stay with DH and find other things in life to fill the void of no children. maybe happy but never fully satisfied with her life. Watching friend after friend have babies and raise children and grandchildren. Then years later, for some other reason, she and dh divorce. Now she finds herself alone, childless and too old to have children of her own and not in a financial position to adopt. So if she had known then that marrying wonderful DH and having a fantastic marriage would mean she'd never have children or grandchildren, well she might be here saying she'd want a do-over too! So while I think alot of people can find fulfillment in marriage alone, often timnes it's not enough. The desire for other things (kids, careers, activism, etc..) may be something someone needs no matter how great the marriage is. Sorry for my rambling. Been scanning the old wedding pics this week and feeling a bit maudlin I guess. I want my do-over gosh darn it :-)!!
Regrets, I've had a few...some things I wish I would have done differently. But if I had done them differently I wouldn't be where I'm at today. I've learned so much along the way from my mistakes and some of my mistakes turned out to take me where I needed to go. I am happy and content today. Happy with my marriage, my family, my home, and life in general. It's all good.
I don't have many regrets. I usually have instant regret when I say or do something that affects my conscience and always, always apologize. I just move on and hope to do better the next time.
I sometimes think I might have served my DW better had I not wanted to move to the country. I kept working in Austin while she stayed at home and worked around our place. She was essentially a city girl but over the years became a wonderful gardener and country girl. I think the isolation and lack of people around has made her more of a introvert. After retiring 8 years ago I also have had the tendency to become less interested in socializing, etc, and am quite content with less social exposure. I'm not sure if this is the natural aging process or just a matter of choice? But I like it!
Peace
Spartana formerly She-Ra, I read your comments and response with interest and understand what you are saying. I think a good or even decent marriage is the ideal state we would all desire somehow or sometime and it involves a lot of compromise and to make it work. Though what do I know never having been there.
I had some good friends a while back. George and Susan. They got married soon after high school and George went to work in construction and Susan in retail. George was ambitious and did good work and after several years was a well paid general contractor. They bought a really nice home and I thought of them as the perfect couple with the perfect marriage. George, in his 30's, became dissatisfied with construction work and started bringing home world history books from the library and eventually became obsessed with becoming a lawyer. He started college, keeping his day job, and going to night school. At some point George, as he would tell me, would come home and want to talk world events or politics and Susan would not understand what George was talking about and want to talk about her day at Sears. Susan couldn't understand why anyone with a good job and nice home would want to go to college and study law and George couldn't understand how anyone could be satisfied stuck in retail.
So it wasn't so much like one wanted children and the other didn't, but they began to have different interests and ambitions and no longer were the same two people that fell in love years before. They lost the ability to communicate, understand each other, and enjoy each other's company. So they had an amiable separation and divorce and moved on. Maybe better people would have made it work and been happy. I don't know. Maybe they would have lived lives of quiet desparation. Like I said, marriage is sort of a foreign realm for me. But it's a story I think of sometimes.
Spartana formerly She-Ra, I read your comments and response with interest and understand what you are saying. I think a good or even decent marriage is the ideal state we would all desire somehow or sometime and it involves a lot of compromise and to make it work. Though what do I know never having been there.
I had some good friends a while back. George and Susan. They got married soon after high school and George went to work in construction and Susan in retail. George was ambitious and did good work and after several years was a well paid general contractor. They bought a really nice home and I thought of them as the perfect couple with the perfect marriage. George, in his 30's, became dissatisfied with construction work and started bringing home world history books from the library and eventually became obsessed with becoming a lawyer. He started college, keeping his day job, and going to night school. At some point George, as he would tell me, would come home and want to talk world events or politics and Susan would not understand what George was talking about and want to talk about her day at Sears. Susan couldn't understand why anyone with a good job and nice home would want to go to college and study law and George couldn't understand how anyone could be satisfied stuck in retail.
So it wasn't so much like one wanted children and the other didn't, but they began to have different interests and ambitions and no longer were the same two people that fell in love years before. They lost the ability to communicate, understand each other, and enjoy each other's company. So they had an amiable separation and divorce and moved on. Maybe better people would have made it work and been happy. I don't know. Maybe they would have lived lives of quiet desparation. Like I said, marriage is sort of a foreign realm for me. But it's a story I think of sometimes.
Well I sometimes think single people actually have a better "view" about marriage then married people. You aren't dealing with emotions and can sort of cast an analytical eye on the ups and downs of marriages with a clearer view then those living them. Plus you don't ever have to worry about saying something that will get your spouse mad at you :-)!!
I think your friends situation is a really common scenario - especially with people who are in long term marriages or get married really young. You change, you grow, you have new interests. Sometimes you grow together, sometimes you grow apart. It happens. I see many people who are in long term marriages - marriages that many would consider "successful" because of the longivity - who haven't said a kind word to each other in years. There is no love or joy in the marriage but it is "successeful" because they are still together! Very sad to me but it is hard to know how you'll feel about your life 5, 10, 15 years into the marraige. In the beginning you may both think you want the same thing but as the years pass, and many compromises take place that leave both people wanting more, you may find yourself wanting a completely different life than the one you wanted when first married like your contractor friend. He probably never in a million years ever thought he's want to study law. But things change and usually the best marriages are the ones which change in the same direction - or at least where one person is happily willing to give up their dreams to accomadate the other.
Mostly I'm pretty happy with the choices I made but if I had it to do over
1. I'd homeschool our daughter. She hated school and I think she would have done very well with homeschooling.
2. I would not have voted for GWB.
That I didn't get out of a soul sapping marriage 19 years sooner.
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