View Full Version : How Often Do You See Your Spouse?
I never thought I'd believe it, but I feel more relaxed since taking my new position where I do NOT work with my spouse. We used to get up at the same time, fight over the bathroom, get mad if one or the other was running 5 minutes behind or not getting ready fast enough, etc. Same thing at the end of the day, if one person had to stay late the other was ticked because the dog was waiting and they were waiting and then we were after each other about who was going to make dinner and no one wanted to because we were both tired and blah blah blah.
So far, just having "me time" in the car has been a blessing, and not having to be ready at the exact minute that he is ready, even though we have similar schedules. We're only a few weeks into our new arrangement, but I feel really positive about it.
However, I wouldn't want an arrangement like my mom and dad had for years - she worked days, he worked second shift, and they'd go all week without seeing each other except for when the other was asleep in the bed. That was hard for them.
I always thought that the more time with my spouse, the better. Now I'm seeing maybe not. How much time do you spend with your spouse or partner? Too much? Not enough?
Interesting, Kellie. In our first professional jobs, my DH and I actually worked on the same project, and in a manner of speaking I was his "boss." It was awkward, and it was VERY difficult to keep work at work and stop it from consuming our lives. That lasted about a year before I was asked to take on another role that meant we still worked in the same office, but on different projects. That was a better arrangement. But I think I prefer the current situation, which has us working for different organizations entirely, for many of the same reasons you cite. Slightly different schedules, more time on my own, etc. I usually leave the house for work before he and the kids get up, but I get home early. I'll usually check in with him when I get home (he works from home most of the time, travels on business about 1-2 weeks a month), then go work out or do errands before the kids get home. We have dinner together as a family almost every night. Then one or both of us will spend time with the kids (lately we've been swimming every night), oversee homework, etc. -sometimes we'll alternate our own computer/fun time with each other. We usually have some time to chat together and/or as a family in the evening. I go to bed with the kids around 9-9:30 (I'm up at 4:30) and he'll stay up later puttering on the computer. I feel like overall we have a good mixture of family and me time, though we both want to make an effort to have more couple time. That is something I put on my goals for this year that hasn't really happened yet. We used to have a "date night" but that stopped when we moved to Beijing. I want to revive that.
lhamo
I know 2 things to be absolutely written in stone in my life:
1) My husband and I are a perfect fit for each other and we are who we are meant to be with; and
2) I need some alone time every day, for my sanity.
However, and this is a big however, the most stressful thing for me for the past 4 years of his unemployment, going to school, underemployment, dialysis, kidney transplant, etc., is the fact that I very rarely come home to an empty house. Only during semesters when he has night classes do I get that absolute pleasure of coming home from work and not needing to talk to or do anything for anyone. Ahhhhh, I love Tuesdays this semester!
So, even though my husband has always known about my need and is very supportive and completely OK with me telling him that I need to be alone, alone time with someone else in the house just doesn't count. Also, for me, it only really counts (as far as recharging my batteries) if I am at home, not out and about. So, this has been a LONG 4 years for me (with at least 2 more to go).
All of that is to say that I would never willingly choose to commute with him daily and/or work at the same place. And this has nothing to do with the state of our relationship.
I think a big part of a successful marriage is figuring out what works for each of you separately and together and finding out how to avoid driving each other nuts. And if you are driving each other nuts every morning before work and every evening after because of logistics, it's time to make a change. Congrats on making that change! You can enjoy each other's company so much more now!
Off topic, but my need for daily alone time is probably the #1 biggest reason why I didn't want children.
Kara
I am absolutely wild about my husband, and have been for 11 years. But I would not want to work with him - not that we wouldn't work well together, but I just don't want to spend that much time, or that KIND of time, with him.
We see each other in the mornings, then go off to our separate tasks. In the evenings, we cook together, then hang out for a couple of hours, then usually read together in bed until lights out. Weekends we each come and go, spending some time together and some time with others.
I would like to find more things I could do at night so he'll have that pleasure of coming home to an empty house more often.
That said, I know some couples who work together who wouldn't trade it for the world. Each must decide how much togetherness is too much :)
P.S. Kara:
Off topic, but my need for daily alone time is probably the #1 biggest reason why I didn't want children.
+1
DH and I met in school and worked on several projects together before we became more than friends. Once we began dating it was like some politeness filter was removed and we both became really hard to work with each other. So, we've kept ourselves apart since. We now work at the same place, but our offices are in different buildings and only rarely do we tangentially work with each other. Its nice though because we are on the same schedule, but DH goes in early so we don't have the bathroom fight too often. Since he goes in early we don't usually ride together. We've had the same issues about one spouse being ready to leave and the other one not and all that. But, we've also done an hour commute together and I actually enjoyed that time together...didn't particularly care for the commute, but we talked a lot. So, its good for us to have a bit of distance, but I think I would definitely be unhappy if we were on completely different schedules.
all summer i worked an opposite schedule from my man, which sucked. i'd take him to work in the morning, drop him off, and be like, "ok see you tomorrow." meep.
now i have a new tech writing contract and it's in the same building where he works. very convenient, and we're on the same schedule, which is much nicer.
all tht being said, we get along really well and have a great time hanging out together, but we also give each other a lot of space from day to day. it's a good balance for us.
and ditto on the alone time = childfree lifestyle thing. i love babies and kids, i really do, but i also like going home and having it be nice and quiet. so i'll just be an awesome aunt. :)
a lot more than we did in the US, so it's better, and I would prefer more time, but my husband wants more alone time.
when we lived in the US, my husband would get up at 5:30 am, leave the house by 7, get to work by 7:30, work until 4:30, go to the gym until 7 (two days a week) or go to a writer's or men's meeting (other two days a week), come home and take a shower, and then have some "me time" until he needed to start his bed time routine (around 9:30).
in turn, before DS was born, I would get up around 7/7:30, get dressed and such, go and teach yoga classes from about 8:30 until 1, and then have an empty afternoon until 5:30. On fridays (the day that DH didn't have an afternoon activity), I taught yoga at 6:30, so we often saw each other for dinner (out!) from 4:30 to 6. And then, we would see each other on the weekends, wherein DH often complained about not getting enough time to himself. He would also futz around a fair bit. :D
After DS was born, I was home with him all day, then until DH got home around 8 after the gym. He was leaving later because he would be with DS from 5:30 until 7:30 when I woke up. I started teaching 4 classes a week when DS was 1 month old. DS would be in the wrap, and one was hosted at my friend's house so that worked out as well. So, these were often in the evenings when he was at the gym, and then I would come home around the same time as DH, and wherein he would be with DS for a bit while I prepped for the next day (food for myself, clothing, cleaning up) -- about an hour -- and then he'd start his bedtime routine (which takes 45 minutes) while I put DS down to bed and usaully went that way myself. So, I didn't see DH often during that first year.
Once we moved to NZ, we are working at the same place, but we work a "split shift." In the first year and some, we lived about 10 minutes walk from the business (loved it). DH would get up at 6:00 in the am, and then we would have breakfast together at 7:15. DH would leave around 7:45, and head to the office to set up for the day. Most of the practitioners and first clients (back then) came in around 9/9:30. This gave him some time to do some work in the quiet, before the day really got rolling. He would come home around 1 pm, and we would have lunch together, and I would roll out to the offices around 2. I would work from 2 until 6:30, and be home by 7 at the latest (sometimes I'd take a long walk). I would put DS to bed (DH having done most o the prep of that routine), and then DH and I would have dinner together at 8 or so and chat, watch shows, etc. DH still wanted more time to himself, but overall we were happy.
Now we live in Seatoun -- so we commute. He is up earlier, takes me longer to get there, we lunch at the office as a family (we usually have breakfast and lunch together, and most days also dinner, but on Tues, Wed, Thurs, I work until 6:15 and on Thurs I have roller derby until 8:30 -- and THEN I bus the 30-40 minutes home), and I'm usually home around 7:30 and put DS to bed, and then DH and I have time together from 8-10/10:30.
So, it's nice.
I pretty much see my DH 24/7! We both work from home as writers. He takes breaks for bike rides and coffee breaks at the coffee shop. I go to the gym daily, have some volunteer work, go to a woman's weekly breakfast get-together, and a weekly yoga practice, but otherwise, we're together--in separate at-home offices.
Amazingly, we get along very well...we're lucky that we're best friends.
Hi ever since my DH had a stroke back in January,we have been together 24/7.He is trying to talk wich still is no very good,but his mouth never stops.24/7 is definity to much for me and right now I feel like screaming lol.I'm finally getting some body to come 4 hours every 2 weeks so I can go away wich will be heaven I'm sure.
Anita
The balance we share is just right. Mornings and evenings (7 days a week), along with weekends (entirety). DH does make regular business trips which sometimes last several days, and it is during those trips (when he is away) that I try and capitalize on all the small little things I seem to never find the time to accomplish while he's home. Helps keep my mind occupied.
DH and I fit together really well, like a comfortable sock or well-formed shoe, so even when we're around one another (a lot), it's all good, but I do believe a well-balanced relationship definitely consists of separate interests and hobbies, even just simple little outings, away from each other. I think that makes for a healthy relationship.
we get along very well too. but i don't know why i'm wanting so much more time than DH is these days. but he says that he feels "torn." he both wants to be with us AND have more time to himself. very confusing. :D
I'm used to DH being gone a lot. He travels with his job, so he'd be gone all week, then home on weekends. At first it was hard, but I got used to it. He isn't out over night nearly as much now.
A couple months ago, he was sick and home for three weeks. Honestly, I was quite ready for him to go back to work...I think he felt the same way! :o) I love him, but I don't like the 'joined at the hip' feeling.
My partner and I worked together, from home, in a family owned business for 15 years. We essentially spent 24/7 together, although I played a larger role of the "face" of the business so was regularly out at meetings or appointments. When I gave presentations in the evenings or on the weekends we would often drive me and hang around while I was "doing my thing". It was awesome set-up in many respects. A year ago we moved on from that endeavor and it's been a bit rocky as we're both trying to figure out what is next. At first we were both fairly certain that we didn't want to work together, so I became an academic and he began working in urban agriculture. This has resulted in schedules where our time together is very limited and even when we are together one or the other is often still working in some capacity. So we are rethinking our plan and will likely begin working together again in about a year. As much as I love my independence and doing my own thing, I miss spending almost every waking hour with him.
Dinner most nights a week. A little bit of time most evenings. Sometimes in the morning. Several hours on the weekend, sometimes more, sometimes less. Fortunately, we both need about the same amount of alone time.
we get along very well too. but i don't know why i'm wanting so much more time than DH is these days. but he says that he feels "torn." he both wants to be with us AND have more time to himself. very confusing. :D
Classic introvert behaviour, I think. Us introverts don't necessarily dislike being with other people, but we find it very draining. I can have a great time at a party or something, but then I need a fairly long stretch of really concentrated alone time to balance it out and recharge my batteries. It is like your circuits have been overloaded and you need time for them to cool down. For me that means as little interaction with other people as possible for several hours. My family has a hard time understanding it, too.
lhamo
It's feast or famine with us. In the summer when he works he's not home until late. We do carve out time together, though. We have date nights several nights a week, usually just going out for coffee or something like that. I love spending time with him. He's fun.
In the winter when he's off of work we've been together most of the time, although the last two years he's been back in school, so he's been out until about 2PM. We do pretty well when we are together all the time, but we do find ways of carving out alone time then too.
On the kid thing, I've been surprised at the amount of quiet alone time I have with my four little ones. There are a lot of times when everyone is asleep (after 8PM daily) or the boys are napping and the girls (who are older) are out running around the neighborhood or over at a friend's house. Even when the boys are up they are often just kind of doing their own thing, James playing with his water table, cars or trains and Travis working on trying to crawl or just playing with a baby toy. James, my two year old, seems to need some alone time everyday and shuts himself in his room for a while.
fidgiegirl
9-8-11, 10:28pm
Classic introvert behaviour, I think. Us introverts . . .
OT here, but isn't it interesting that I never would have considered you an introvert? Don't know why, there's no good reason, really. People who post on Internet boards could be either extroverts or introverts. Just interesting, that's all :)
I see my DH pretty much 24/7. We are retired. It's been great though - we enjoy each other's company and spent so many years barely having any time together due to work schedules. He worked night shift, me day shift. We do spend some time apart daily, with each of us doing our own thing. He's a woodworker and makes beautiful furniture. He spends alot of time in the garage working on that, while I'm cooking, reading, or online. We spend lots of quality time together too - walking the dogs, gardening together, enjoying a glass of wine on the front porch, playing with the grandkids, etc. Life is good.
OT here, but isn't it interesting that I never would have considered you an introvert? Don't know why, there's no good reason, really. People who post on Internet boards could be either extroverts or introverts. Just interesting, that's all :)
Yeah, it's funny. I think I'm what you would call an extroverted introvert. I do enjoy interacting with people, but more on a one-on-one, deeper basis rather than in large groups. So when I go to a party, I will often end up having lengthy conversations with 2-4 people and that is really fun for me and I'll consider it time well-spent, but I hate it if I get pushed into moving around the room and having casual small talk with people who I don't know well or have much in common with. I also love helping other people network -- one of my favorite things about my current job is that I get to help cool people meet other cool people. But there too, the reason I am doing it is not to help people schmooze in general, but because I know them pretty well from different contexts and I think they have important things in common. And that is something that I do much better in virtual space/time than in reality.
I think we have discussed this before and there are a lot of introverts on this and other discussion fora. It is a "safe" place for us to be extroverted, because we can retreat into our private spaces pretty much whenever we need to and people won't feel offended because that is just kind of the nature of the space.
lhamo
I'm not sure I could work AND live with my partner! At least that's something you can now add to your list of 'interesting' experiences and hope never to repeat ;)
My other half only works three days a week at the moment, but in a town that's three or four hours away. He stays down there during that time, while I work four days a week and live in our rented flat. So we normally see eachother all day Friday, Sat and Sun, as well as Monday evening, then he's gone for work. Since we're both working part-time, it works out ok, especially having that extra free Friday. But I do sometimes feel pressure to spend ALL our free time together since we don't get to share those little after-work evening routines and dinner, etc. That's something I desperately miss :( There have been some weeks where we've only seen eachother for a couple of hours because I've been away visiting friends for a weekend. It's not always an ideal set-up.
dh loves being with me; close to me; his family was/is emotionally and physically enmeshed; i think the only time they spent apart was going to the bathroom
i grew up in this huge house where everyone did their own thing; even as a young one; i could be gone for a couple of days at a time; once paternal grandmother came to visit and must have said something to my dad as when i stopped by:) he said i had to stay home; that worked out for about a day or so
i dated early and had boyfriends all through undergrad./ i always waited by the phone for them to call; sat or did things they wanted to do; this guy; dh was the only one who wanted me by him; used to sleep in his dorm room;
crazy stuff; but we are working on seperation as i have to have my own space; he is getting better
but we are best friends; because of my health issues he has to do more and never complains
so if this is the worst thing in our relationship....oh and he is the romantic; loves to leave love notes; loves to celebrate when we met which will be coming up on 30 years
i know many women who would love having dh in their lives; all in all i feel very fortunate
DH and I are also together 24/7, as both of us are now unemployed. Before we left Nevada to move here, we worked at the same place and commuted together, so it was the same deal but with the extra stress because we worked together and I was also his supervisor. I'm VERY glad we don't work together anymore, and don't want to do it again unless we run a business together...and I'm not too thrilled about that idea, either.
Having said that, I genuinely prefer his company to any other person's. When I need alone time I just meditate in my walk-in closet (!) or say I need to do some self-hypnosis and go into the bedroom. I have to admit, sometimes that "self-hypnosis session" is really just me lying on the bed, peacefully being alone and not talking...just breathing in my own private space! :)
could not handle being with my spouse constantly or anyone for that matter. I guess I like variety when it comes to company. I also need to be alone at times.
Yeah, it's funny. I think I'm what you would call an extroverted introvert.
I'm the same way. I call myself an "on-demand extravert" because I can turn it on when I need to, but often need a longish recharge period afterwards. When I used to travel for conferences, even if I were coming home from Europe, I would literally fall asleep as soon as I fastened my seatbelt and often wouldn't wake up until the wheels hit the tarmac at the other end.
I too like "quality" rather than "quantity" when interacting with people. I have 2-3 very good friends and a lot of acquaintances.
Right now DH moved to 2nd shift, so we're sort of ships passing in the night which sucks. When he's on 1st shift it works out OK, because we both get up early. He also works every Sat while I have a "regular" work week more or less. I sometimes like the free time on Sat but would prefer if he worked Sat like one day per month or something rather than every weekend. When I was working and he was unemployed I felt like I wanted a little alone time to putter in the house so that was not ideal either. What would be ideal is we'd do most evenings/weekends with maybe 1 evening during the week out or with the other gone. We're both introverts but I'm a little less so, and I like to have a bit more social life than he does, so it would work out great for a structure like that.
After 30 years of marriage we've been through a lot of different work schedules. When we first met and married I worked retail and he drove long haul truck. We saw each other maybe 2 days a week, which meant we hardly ever argued, I thought with such few hours together who wants to fight over the small things. Then he was hurt in an accident and was home 24/7. YIKES!! He became Mr. Mom which was nice, then he went to school, and I stayed home.
I can say after raising two of my own children and quite a few others, I love the quiet times. I love when everyone goes to work or school and I can just chill in silence.
We are blessed to have a house that is large enough to provide private space for both of us.
Plus neither one of us really needs to be entertained, but I do wonder what our retirement years may look like? Of course unless this Depression turns around we will never get to find that out!!
Mrs. B
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