daughter's relationship

[Zoe Girl]

I have been struggling with this for 6 months now but I hate my dd's boyfriend and feel he has affected not just her but the whole family to some extent. I have tried really hard because honestly she has only one other friend but it isn't better. Okay he is less destructive so sometimes I have let him come over to the house.

In the middle of all this I have been trying to balance things like if I forbid him it will likely make him more attractive but also wanting to tell my dd that aspects of this relationship are pretty abusive. So I have told her specific things I saw that are not okay and have limits on him coming over based on concrete things like her grades being poor so no school nights.

My last straw a few days ago was waking in the middle of the night and hearing arguing on the phone through the vents, then the next day hearing it for the longest time in the house. My dd gets so mad she is yelling and then sometimes ends up throwing the phone but says if she doesn't talk to him it will be worse. So I have told her it is ok to take a break in a conversation regardless of who it is. She doesn't have to keep talking if it is that bad. Also he was pushing to have her drive down and see him in a snow storm. It is obvious he doesn't care that much about her safety.

So the goal this week is to not call his dad up and tell him off for having a crappy son who upsets my dd so much. I am pretty sure that will not go well. At least my dd is talking about things in terms of 'if we are still together' now.

[kally]

how old is your dd?

[mtnlaurel]

well - you're spot on on deciding not to call crappy bf's dad and telling him off -- that would make you look like a complete loon
And the issue isn't the guy, it's your daughter's acceptance of being treated poorly that is the issue.

If I could shake your daughter and scream "Life is too dog gone short to waste it on people not worthy of you. If the person you are with is not someone that you would consider marrying and having kids with (just as they are!) RUN. Seriously, slam all doors in losers faces, so the winners can come in."

I spent a good portion of my late teens, early to mid 20s with COMPLETE losers
Note - I also struggled with a very active alcohol addiction during that time that impaired my judgement and my upbringing in an alcoholic home seriously impaired my boundaries of acceptable behavior.

When I finally met a seemingly decent guy (meaning not a fellow alcoholic) - I sunk my teeth in and didn't let go. And found the hope of our future together and the prospect of starting my own family reason enough to clean up my life. Which I've been doing one day at a time for 13 yrs.
And now I am a person that wakes up in the middle of the night wondering how I will EVER get along with him and reading simple living chat boards to take my mind off my own troubles. (writing this at 2:30am)
I had both his mother and step-mother visit this past year and ask me -- is that how he treats to you? (and they are NOT meddling in-laws)
And we won't even get into how I talk to him behind closed doors.

So obviously, I don't know what the answers are - I just hate to see the prospect of another young woman going down the path of relationships that are downers not uppers. Life is too hard to have a partnership that brings you down.

Does your daughter have any hobbies/interests that you also enjoy that you could do together?
Open mike nights, take a cooking class together, a certain genre of film, hiking, political interests, a sport, art, travel
Maybe if she rediscovered (or shoot, just discovered) some things that she loved doing that were positive, she could see how much she doesn't need that guy.

I have a 2 & 6 y.o.- so I definitely don't have any experience with the painful teen years where they have no desire to spend time with you - so my suggestions may be pretty naive.

[redfox]

Oh does this EVER ring some bells! I think I have related this story before, so bear with me, or just skip this posting!

My step-daughter, at age 17, got her first BF, who was a few years ahead of her in high school. He was out but a teacher's aide at the school when they got together. He's 4 years older chronologically, but much younger emotionally. And an alcoholic. Sweet, but troubled...

She dropped out of high school to live with him, in the rent free apartment her mother offered them. Re-read that sentence slowly, and you will get a sense of how furious her father & I were. She of course jumped at the chance to have her first love nest since we did not allow him to spend the night at our house where she lived.

He was emotionally abusive, they drank way too much (any was too much at her age), and they lived in abject poverty. Mom kicked them out suddenly one day because - doh - they trashed her apartment while she was away living with her BF. So, in to a basement apartment in a super dangerous neighborhood they went, and there they moldered away for a long time - or so it seemed at the time.

We refused to rescue her - except that I paid for her contraception. I also once sent over some grocery gift cards, and she was always invited to spend the night, join us for a meal, etc. 8 months after moving out, she came back and asked to move back in. Here were her exact words: "I think I tried to grow up too fast and skipped a few steps." OMG. This was near midnight on a dark, cold, rainy winter night at the front door. Within 6 weeks of moving back home with us she had enrolled in a high school completion program and applied to two colleges. She is mid-way through her 2nd of 3 years in an intensive BA program as I type. her motivation became totally intrinsic based upon the hell she went through.

She continued to keep him as her BF for another 2 years, until recently. She broke up with him for good in the fall. I asked her, when she was home over the holidays, if it was hard to do. She said it was, and then said "I couldn't hear what everyone was telling me about how bad it was." I told her that she needed to understand it in her own time, and that the reason we never allowed him to spend the night was because we were providing BF free space for her to be in. She nodded solemnly, and I'm confident that she understands the boundary we set. That wasn't true when she moved back in and asked if he could spend the night. We said no, and she turned into a screaming teen. I'm very glad she gets it now.

So, my advice is this: choose your boundaries and stick to them. Does this mean no cell convos after a certain hour? Limited time out (with whomever) until grades are better? And, don't tell her how to run her relationship - she will not listen, and will be incredibly resentful. Further, when she needs to turn to you, she won't because of the resentment. I would suggest you tell her that you love her, you know she's struggling in the relationship, and that you stand by her no matter what - and mean it. It means having boundaries and sticking to them! Believe you me, it was incredibly hard for my DH & I to go to bed every night for 8 months wondering if my DSS was okay, had any food or heat, was being hit, was pregnant, etc. EVERY time there was another shooting in her neighborhood, I texted her a hello, just to make sure...

And it means she saw us as strong enough to come back to, to come home to redo what she had skipped. Some times, our kids choose pathways that are very painful for us to witness. Our job is to continue to love them with healthy limits, and always be open to the relationship and their return.

Good luck. She'll move through this, and one day he will be history.

[Zoe Girl]

thank you all, I am am hanging in there and not calling the dad and looking like a looney. She is 17 btw. After all this fighting and then a break from him due to snow I would not let her drive in and then school days she cannot see him on she turned to be really sweet for awhile. I got home last night after seeing my bf and told her she was supposed to shovel the walk while I was gone, I brought her dinner too. So instead of one argument she got up and shoveled the walk at 10 pm. I really like and need some of the breaks like this.

[ke3]

Well, redfox and mtnlaurel have said a lot of good things; so I won't go on with my own stories.

But I just thought I would mention one thing that helps me with my own teens when they're doing something foolish or dangerous: I tell them true stories of things that have happened to me, to my friends, to my cousins (the ones we're close to), to their cousins--anyone they know who has survived some pretty bad choices, sometimes only by sheer luck, or the quick thinking of others. Someone I know, for example, almost died of alcohol poisoning--was minutes away from death when the paramedics and police arrived.

If you don't know anyone who your dd respects who has been harmed either physically or mentally, how about making one up? Some "old friend" of yours who died after being beaten to death by a spouse or boyfriend?

Or print out a list of statistics about verbal and physical abuse, and the effects it has on people's long-term success and happiness. Anything that will show your dd that you're not trying to ruin her life--rather, that you are trying to help her, trying to save her life!

My heart goes out to you, Zoe Girl. I have all boys, so different issues going on right now; but parenting rebellious teens is the hardest thing I've ever done since said teens were babies keeping me up all night. Keep up the good work (I keep telling myself, too)!