Parent/travel issue

[Jessamyn]

Hello,
I'm mostly a lurker but I needed some sensible advice from people slightly more distant to me than my family.

Tomorrow, my boyfriend and I are supposed to drive from Denver to Albuequerque to spend a long weekend with some family. I do this trip every year, this is the first year the boyfriend is going and he is going to ask my dad for permission to marry me.

When I go every year, I stay at my dad's wife's parents house. My dad drives in from Oklahoma and it's a big group thing. This year my stepsister (who is the actual grand-daughter of the houseowners) is coming with her husband. Until today, I assumed that I would be staying at the house and no one said any differently.

Today I get a text from my dad's wife asking me what hotel I'm staying at. I have no hotel reservations because I assumed I was staying at the house. I assume that my stepsister is getting the room that I usually stay in. A hotel is not in the budget since we're saving for a wedding and a new house that we're buying if February, especially since it's a last minute reservation if I book it today for tomorrow night through Saturday night.

I guess my question is, do I cancel the trip or do I suck it up and pay for the hotel?
Thanks in advance,
Jessamyn

[Charity]

I'd suck it up and stay in a hotel. I doesn't need to be a fancy one since you'll spend all your time engaged in family stuff. My opinion might be different if not for the fact that your boyfriend intends to ask your father for permission to marry you. That's a wonderful thing, and you're lucky to have extended family around to share in the moment. I'll never forget when my daughter's husband asked me for permission to marry her. I about fell off my chair. It's a great memory I cherish. And in the grand scheme of things years from now the money spent for the hotel won't mean a whole heck of a lot. The memory of that moment will.

That being said, your family should have told you sooner that the traditional arrangement had changed. Live and learn. Next time you can ask them in advance now that you know others might already have your room.

[herbgeek]

Can you ask if you can stay on the couch? Or offer to buy an inflatable bed for the floor somewhere, which would still be cheaper than a hotel room? If neither of these options work for you, then yes, I would suck it up and get a hotel room.

[Mrs-M]

If it were me in your shoes, I'd cancel. It's not as if the weekend has been planned solely around you, it's simply a family get-together, and if in past years accommodations have been provided to you and now suddenly you are expected to foot the bill for a series of overnight stays, I'd say "thanks but no-thanks".

[Mighty Frugal]

I'd research inexpensive B&Bs in the area. The granddaughter has every right to stay at her grandparents home. It's a shame they can't accommodate everyone, but I wouldn't let this sour my trip. On this forum we get sooo many posts about 'I love my family deeply but how can I let them know, next time they come, they can't stay with me?'.

[loosechickens]

I think I come in also with the "suck it up, get the most inexpensive motel you can find, let it go, and enjoy the time together with your family, and this special moment of your boyfriend asking your dad for your hand). Long after the motel bill is paid and forgotten, you'll have had this good time.

because, after all, just because your stepmother's (father's wife's) parents have hosted you before, it's reasonable both that they would want to have their granddaughter there, and really, just because they have offered you accomodations before doesn't obligate them to do so when it's not convenient for them.

Yes, since you've always stayed with family before, somebody should have alerted you long ago to the fact that there wouldn't be a free family place to stay, so you could be better prepared.....but that has happened, probably no one was deliberately doing it, and life is short. Far better to spend a little money, graciously admit to yourself that nobody "owes" you accomodation, and granddaughters trump one's daughter's stepchild for free family beds.......

my advice.....don't worry, stretch your budget a bit, go and enjoy yourself WITHOUT simmering hurt feelings, and next time, don't make assumptions about how you think it's going to be, rather than waiting until the last minute to find out that what you assumed just isn't true this trip.

Hey, also best wishes for your plans for your wedding.......

edited to add: maybe I'm reading more into this than is there, but using the term "my dad's wife" instead of "my stepmother" makes it sound as though your relationship with her is more distant than many. So, there may be vibes at several levels going on here........and if there is some distance in that relationship, it may have affected the granddaughter being given "your" bed....... ;-)

[Jessamyn]

I appreciate all your input!

We are going to go, and we have a hotel room, which in the end will be much more pleasant than staying at the house, and when I said we were contemplating not coming because of the cost, which was true, my father paid for the room. There was a lot more going on emotionally than I included, which is why I was asking you! There are strained relationships involved, as we as past behavior that suggested it wasn't quite the accident it seemed. In fact my brother had decided to bow out already because of the drama. So again, thanks!

[treehugger]

Ah family drama. I am also a step-daughter and step-granddaughter, by the way, and while things are fairly harmonious, I have learned to accept that blood is thicker than water in many cases. So, sounds like you are better off in a hotel for lots of reasons. A bit of distance and privacy is worth paying for.

Enjoy your trip and congrats on your near-future engagement!

Kara

[KayLR]

ITA with MightyFrugal

[Zoebird]

i'm glad that your father offered to pay, and that you're able to attend. :) i hope that you have a wonderful time. :D

[chrisgermany]

One thing I try to do to prevent family drama (more than necessary). I try not "assume" but to ask and explain.
Assuming leads to misunderstandings, even more so it it is done on both ends of the conversation.
And sometimes, to cool of drama, at the end of a dispute it works well for me to say something like "ok, we seem to have a different standpoint on this subject, so let's agree to disagree. Is there a way to move on from that?"

[Karla]

If there is as much family drama as you say there is you will be very thankful for your own space. It sounds like things worked out the best way that they could've. Just remember, don't let others ruin this nice weekend for you, your soon to be fiancee, and your Dad. Have fun!

[razz]

Perhaps I am not correct in my understanding but formerly, it was just one person, you, for the stepmotehr to accommodate but now there are two with your boyfriend. That may be just too much especially if they don't know the BF very well.
Glad that the hotel room worked out.

[bagelgirl]

I could be WAY off track, but is there any chance the step grandparents were also uncomfortable with you coming and sleeping in a room with a man who was not your husband yet? I'm guessing they are from a whole other generation.

[catherine]

maybe I'm reading more into this than is there, but using the term "my dad's wife" instead of "my stepmother" makes it sound as though your relationship with her is more distant than many. So, there may be vibes at several levels going on here........and if there is some distance in that relationship, it may have affected the granddaughter being given "your" bed....... ;-)

Just an aside to LC: Not knowing anything at all about Jessamyn's circumstance, I feel that if the dad married the "dad's wife" after Jessamyn was 18 or so, "dad's wife" is entirely how I would think of her as well. My mother remarried when I was in college and there's no way I would have considered him my stepfather--he never fathered me. He was my mother's husband as far as I was concerned. Then when he ditched her when she was very sick, I called him something else. >:(

To Jessamyn: I'm glad it worked out for you, Jessamyn--great that your dad paid, and that you get to go on this vacation. Enjoy it!