View Full Version : Birth of new baby. (Care/support afterwards)?
Was everyone lucky like me and had the support of family to help out with the new baby and all things domestic for a few days/couple of weeks after you were back home?
My mom was my saving grace when it came to helping and staying with the kids each time I went in to give birth, but even if I hadn't been fortunate enough to have mom, I know my oldest sister and SIL would have been quick to step up to the plate and assume the title/position.
At any rate, I have often though about this very thing, particularly during and after birth, as to all those who didn't have any support after. How did they do it? Being so worn and dragged out and all, yet still having to contend with everything on the home-front. Not to sound like a hopeless failure or anything, but I don't think I would have been able to do it without outside intervention.
Anyhow, would love to hear from you as to this.
I did not receive any help with my boys after they came home. They are adopted, one at 16 months and one at a year, but regardless of whether they were newborns or not, I would have not received help from my mother or sisters. Their thought process was that if we made the decision to have children, then it was our responsibility to take care of them 100% of the time (not because of the adoptions, biological would have been the same). The day after I came home with my son, I was on my own. My husband had to go to work, he had taken 3 weeks off for his part of the travel process. Thankfully neither my son nor I had jet lag (Not sure how I didn't after being overseas for 7 weeks). My MIL did start helping me out a couple hours a week on Fridays after my oldest had been home for 6 months. I really could have used help with my second, he had a hard first year adjusting. She was gone though when he came home, she was not happy that we adopted a second time. She felt we should have stopped at one. She is adopted, as are two of her children so I never really understand.
I have offered my niece any help that I can offer, but she lives a good distance away. We may be getting my nephew (14 months) for a weekend sleepover in the next month or so though.
i don't know . . . i guess you just figure it out. i mean, i was able to basically keep house, get it reno'd for sale, get a business plan together, work, do immigration paperwork, etc -- all in the first year of DS's life. I didn't have any child care, didn't have a lot of help with household stuff. the first two months were the toughest, and then -- i guess -- i just figured it out.
My mom came for 6 weeks when DD was born, but that was all the support I had for a very long time. I lived 2000 miles from my parents and had no relatives in the area. All of my friends were at my job and were not in the same stage of life. It was a difficult, lonely time. I finally made some mom friends with similar-aged babies when DD was about 14 months old - and then we moved, and I started over (still no family near). Moving was quite an experience with no help, too - selling a house, buying one 1800 miles away, packing our stuff, moving, unpacking, etc. But now I have fabulous friends and we do all sorts of swaps - for meals, date night child care, etc. And DD has friends she's known since she was 2, and it is wonderful to watch them all grow together.
Originally posted by Mara61.
Their thought process was that if we made the decision to have children, then it was our responsibility to take care of them 100% of the timeHow unfortunate. In our family we always pulled together for one another, particularly when it came to births. All of us taking turns helping each other. So nice to know you're open to helping your niece.
ZB. I know exactly what you are saying, but I still count my blessings for the help I received. On days where I felt weak or tired, I was able to crawl back into bed for an hour or so without having to worry about anything, and on days where I felt as though I had gotten up one too many times, my mom was there to take over.
Originally posted by Rosemary.
It was a difficult, lonely time.How sad. Being separated and so far away from family must be so hard. I've always lived close to family so just the thought of having no one, and being so far away from everyone makes me feel the pain.
i'm sure it was wonderful. i just didn't experience it.
i found that i was very lonely and often bored, i found that i was very tired. i went back to work because i needed to have some human contact outside of my son. it made it possible for me to continue and get a routine to my days. it was a real anchor.
by having a routine and rhythm to my days, everything seemed to get done. but i can't say that i wouldn't have preferred it to be otherwise -- i'm sure i did -- i just didn't have any expectation of it. or, for that matter, any real help, and therefore you just figure it out.
ZB. As much as one side of me felt bad hearing from you guys, knowing you didn't get the kind of help/support that I did, the other side of me (and my way of thinking) was like, "those moms are truly hero's, real troopers they are/were".
I know we all differ in the way of stored energy and drive, and while some moms don't miss so much as a beat after they give birth, others (like myself) were drained/exhausted.
The other side to family care both during and after childbirth, was not having to worry about my other kids when I was in away. Everything stayed exactly the same as if I were still at home caring for them. Same schedule/schedules, same home (familiar) surroundings, etc, not like having to farm them out for a few days/a week as a result of the birthing process.
P.S. I admire you all here so, so much! Being as strong and sound as you were, able to cope and carry on so well after, and all on your own. Hats off to you.
i was definitely exhausted. and, we had the latch issue, so it was a lot in the first week.
i think part of it is, it is what it is.
i mean, think of it this way. say you had your baby, and you're exhausted, but your family doesn't come to visit, and neither do friends, and you don't know anyone really. you are just on your own. maybe your partner is with you for a few days or a few weeks.
you figure it out -- exhausted or no, you just figure it out.
and then, you know, you see the other side. like, if my family had shown up, had helped me out, I probably would have been like "i don't know what i would have done without that!"
part of it is simply what your experience is. :)
I have had a variety of experiences. When I had Cheyenne and Bella I lived far from my mom and dad and my sister just isn't the helping out type. I did have a couple of amazing friends though. One of them moved in with us for a while after her mom died (she was 18) and helped out a ton. She is the girl's godmother now and will forever be "Auntie Kat". I forget she isn't my biological sister sometimes. People even mistake us for sisters in spite of the fact that we aren't the same race and she is a foot taller than me. It's probably because of how we are with each other.
I had the most help with James. Zach wasn't working at the time, so he was home until James was about 6 months old. Dad moved in around that time, so then we had another pair of hands.
With Travis I had tons and tons of support, like crazy amounts of support, but I also was on bedrest for two months and people used up all their time helping before he came. I was alone with all four kids the day after I got out of the hospital. Luckily Zach's school gets out relatively early. Everything about Travis' birth was miraculous. I had a pain free labour and delivery. I spent most of the time sipping tea and watching HGTV or napping and I napped until I was fully dilated and then pushed for 10 minutes and he was out. As you may remember from my posts, I hit the ground running like I was shot out of a cannon after I had him and within a week I was pretty much my normal self, cooking, baking, cleaning, taking the kids fun places and feeling good.
ZB. There's a lot to be said about facing whatever challenge/challenges one is faced with and doing ones best to get through it/them, with or without help/support. Typical fighting and survival spirit!
Stella. What a special friend you were gifted with and to be able to share such a close relationship with one another. Sometimes it wasn't even about having help so much as it was the company. Just having a tea or coffee mate to talk to helped comfort me and make our home feel that much more homey.
Re: your last pregnancy, it still amazes me. Just how one day you were in the hospital and the next, you were right back here! I wish I could have experienced the comparable just once.
My mom came to help for several weeks - what a blessing (didn't hurt that she is a registered nurse).
bagelgirl
9-19-11, 11:34am
No help whatsoever here. My mother had died when I was a teenager, mother in law didn't live near us. I couldn't get the baby to nurse so the day after I came home from the hospital I loaded him in the car and drove us to the store to buy formula. Husband was a commercial fisherman out at sea, so I was really alone.
Wildflower
9-19-11, 11:02pm
No help other than my DH with our first. He did the best he could considering he was only 20 years old and working a physically grueling job with overtime. The second baby was so much easier. I was organized, felt better overall, and she was an easy baby, slept and ate well.
Float On. Talk about being gifted with the best of both worlds! I sometimes think of myself as being as much a nurse as any amount of schooling could ever have taught me Re: baby/child care, but then, just when I'd think I knew everything (which I've never had that sort of arrogance about me) something would arise and I'd say to myself, "wish I had a real nurse here". LOL!
Bagelgirl. I can't imagine, but after reading through all the posts in this thread I understand, now, the pale, washed-out looking moms I occasionally see while I'm out shopping. Shouldn't be that way.
Wildflower. Things do, definitely, become easier don't they. I had handled some pretty tiny little babies in my babysitting days, and although I was fairly comfortable with it, I grew to be way more comfortable with it as each of my kids came along. More confident and less finicky as to how I handled them. I'd sometimes remind myself of the fact and then say to myself, "they won't break"! LOL!
With my second child, we were living far from all of our family and my mother had just died only a few weeks before my son was born. We were lucky enough to have a "post partum doula" who visited a few times a week. She was an expert on lactation AND massage, but also would just do anything that needed getting done, such as whipping up a hot herb bath (to soak the sore parts) and watching the baby and/or my older daughter while I was in there, giving advice on breastfeeding, folding laundry, making a healthy snacks for me, my husband and older daughter, washing a few dishes--basically whatever was falling through the cracks at the time she came by (and there was always something!). I think she came around for about a month, after which we were able to go it on our own again . . . She was an absolute Godsend!
mamalatte, that sounds wonderful! If you don't mind my asking, how much does a service like that cost? I know some people who could probably use something like that.
Mamalatte. Talk about getting the royal treatment! :) Often, the smallest/littlest of things related to help/support turn out to be the biggest of all. Helps revive ones hope and energy again.
yeah, i'm working through my post-partum doula training now.
there is an organization (http://www.pepsicles.co.nz) here that charges $22-24 per hour, but it's considered a non-income job (no tax registry) for the people who are part of the organization. you work 2-3 hours a day 5 days a week for 3-6 weeks. The minimum, I believe, is 10 hours (2 hrs a day for one week).
these women are, technically, not doulas -- which requires a lot more training -- but simply people who want to volunteer their time. this covers their time and travel costs, usually.
doulas are a lot more involved, and generally do this as a career -- so they are paying tax on their income and usually providing more services (eg, not full on lactation consulting, but you know a fair bit more about it than the average 'mum,' plus having several other skills to bring to the table), and so here it costs about $50-60 per hour, with a minimum of 10 hours to engage the doula's service.
i think there's a big need for it here -- in general -- so i am considering joining that organization, btu then I remember that i already have more than enough work to do, so there's no need to get too involved. I mostly do things casually now. :)
Thanks for the information Zoebird!
I seem to remember the cost being about $22-24 per hour. Also, the way my particular doula worked, you had to commit to a certain minimum number of hours (I think 20?) and pay some or all of it in advance, the reason being that she felt she really needed to check in quite often right after the birth in order to do her job right, and you might forget to follow up with her if you hadn't already committed, etc. This was four years ago and I remember feeling a little guilty that it was rather expensive, but what with my mom having just passed away and what a hard time it was because of that generally, it was worth every penny.
Re: Doulas, and the cost factor attached to such a specialty service, the cost in NZ at $50-$60 per hour with a minimum block of hourly help/support, seems unrealistic to me. How can people (new parents) afford that?
$20 per hour seems more in line with and in tune with an average families means, particularly as Mamalatte mentioned, when a mother is up against it, the overall cost can prove to be worth every penny, but $50-$60?
Different people have different incomes, though, so "it is what it is." It's like, not everyone can afford a nanny either, but some people can and do, and it's a help to them.
The difference in the services may not be great, but the training is. The training costs $700 up front, takes a year, and then from there, you have to do continuing education. What you actually know how to do is greater -- it's not medical stuff, but you know the basics for lactation consulting (but are not an LC -- you can recommend when an LC may be necessary), and you also know a lot more about baby and maternal care (eg, different ideologies, perspectives, and options), that an "average mom" may not know.
So, while it looks like all a doula is doing is the dishes, the training behind doing the dishes is different.
And, the $50 includes the 15% tax, which means the base price is $43.50, and from there, if it's a profession, you're looking at the travel and training expenses (as well as whatever kit she may have) as business expenses (not provided by an organization), and so she may only be earning $22-24 per her hour, just as the volunteer would be (because the volunteers are tax free and get a kit and get free training).
It really is a different order.
And, families who can afford it do pay for it. Or, in some cases, budget for it ahead of time. I know that a lot of people in the US want midwifery care in their homebirths -- something that insurance etc doesn't cover. so it's $4-5K out of pocket. People figure it out, if that's what they want.
And, I might note that my sister had a doula, a nanny (still does), and a cleaning service -- all of which are provided by my parents or her ILs. this is so that my sister is "less stressed."
knowing my sister's earnings, she could afford a doula/nanny/cleaning service on her own, but my parents and her ILs pay for it.
knowing my own earnings, I cannot afford these things -- even at the $22 per hour price from the 'volunteers' (the $22 meant to cover their travel costs). Nor can I afford a cleaning service, nor a nanny -- and in fact, I'm looking to trade for child care because we couldn't afford it otherwise.
'it is what it is."
domestic goddess
9-22-11, 9:49pm
My parents came to help the day after we got home, and I don't think I would have made it if they hadn't. I had had pre-eclampsia, my blood pressure was still high, and I generally felt pretty "out of it". They wouldn't let me out of bed in the hospital because my blood pressure was so high, so when I finally got home I began passing large clots and thought I was going to bleed to death (yes, I can get real dramatic sometimes!) Of course it was really nothing like that. When my parents arrived, Dad took over all the cooking; I was on a low-sodium diet and he was a stickler about that. Mom did laundry and kept after me to rest. I think they only stayed a week, but I felt strong enough after that to carry on with DH's help after work, and for a while he did much of the housework. For all I think I'm pretty tough, I guess I'm not the "give birth in the field, then get up and work" type!
i'm not sure it is a type. :)
people's births are different -- and pre-e and all of that makes a huge difference in the pregnancy, birth, and aftercare. it's hard on the body! So, i think that even in a traditional culture where the norm would be to get back to work right away, a woman with a unique circumstance wouldn't necessarily be expected to do that, or considered "bad" or whatever for having to have some more rest.
i might also note that while there are cultures where the norm is to just 'have a baby and get back to work' -- there are also several cultures that are the opposite. having done a fair bit of research on it, there are some cultures where the woman does nothing but snuggle and feed a baby for 30-90 days while friends, relatives, and elders of the community do *everything* else -- taking care of other children, cooking, cleaning, baby care so that the mother can rest, and even feeding the mother by hand (in some cases it's taboo for the mother to do ANY work other than cuddling and nursing). and this is for ANY mother -- whether the birth was normal or a unique, health circumstance!
I think it really speaks to the diversity of birth and mothering itself. I don't think that i could ahve just given birth and worked in a field on account of the fact that my hip was out of wonk for several days. LOL it was difficult to walk, until that started to realign properly after several weeks. On the flip side, though, i don't know if i could handle having several people in my house doing EVERYTHING, though it sounds really nice.
maybe i just don't know what i want, and i'm happy with what i experienced overall. :)
ZB. All the power to those who can afford such services. I just cant imagine (or relate to) having that sort of disposable income. Such a staggering amount of money...
Domestic Goddess. I honestly believe there's a psychological benefit to having close family around after a baby's birth, them helping and aiding where they can. Just knowing one has help and support IMO promotes quicker recovery and an energized spirit.
I'm thinking back to when I was settling in our two boys (early beginning stages). I had been running on empty for an extended period (so much to do), i.e. the lead-up to moving the boys in (prepping our home), settling them into our family/home environment, and caring for them, and, not missing a beat caring for my four other children. It was a handful.
Nevertheless, I recall there being one afternoon where I was really feeling it, dragged-out, washed-out, and stressed, and wondering if the turmoil would ever end, and just then, there was a knock on the door. It was my mom and SIL. What a blessing it was to see them standing there!
With few words spoken, my SIL picked up the older baby from the floor, my mom grabbed the littlest one from my arms, and the rest is history. It was a surprise visit of sorts that the two of them had quietly planned, and what a pick-me-up it was! Over the course of the next month or so, they did regular repeat visits, sometimes seeing me out the door so I could get out and away from it all for a stretch. What a godsend!
One problem area that plagues me (always has), is constantly reminding myself that, "I can do it", or, "no, let me do it", or, "no, that's my job, here". It's as if there's an electrical short or pre-programmed formulation inside of me that disengages me from allowing myself to let go and relax every once in a while. Somehow, I have this crazy idealism or concept inside of me that tells me "only I can do it". Maybe it's just my good old-fashioned pride coming out, I don't know...
yeah, it's a lot more money than a lot of people can dream of. . .
Mrs. M I had a hard time asking for help for most of my life too. I think, as much as it drove me completely bonkers, being on bedrest with Travis really helped me learn that it was OK to let people help me. Oh was it painful at first, though.
yeah, it's a lot more money than a lot of people can dream of. . .Ditto on that.
Stella. It's got to be a pride thing with us. Painful is right! That's exactly how I feel whenever I have to resort to asking for help. So ridiculous isn't it.......
I had nuthin. My parents and family were on the other coast, as were my spouse's family.
Luckily, my husband was able to take 2 weeks off. I don't think I changed a diaper for the first 2 weeks.
And two of my friends made dinners. My best friend dropped off enough food to feed me for a week. She couldn't stay (her son was sick), so I don't think I SAW her for 6 weeks.
I didn't have a lot of help as I was far away from home for my first DD and was very independent. I was back home for my second DD, but was that stubborn wonder woman and didn't even think of asking for help. How silly.
I am so very proud of my 2 daughters. They are are both having babies (3 within 2 years between them)and have been there for each other at all times. They don't work, so can go back and forth and do. Neither one of them had or are having easy pregnancies and definately need each other. I am loving seeing them become so close (I always wanted a sister!). My oldest is now pregnant with her first, but she is almost a mother to her sis's girls. I am so very proud of them both.
I am one lucky, proud Gammie!
I had no help. Part of the reason was unfortunately, three weeks before my first son was born my mother had a devastating brain aneurysm which left her completely disoriented for months and months. I remember calling the hospital after I had my son and asking the nurse to tell my mom that she was a grandmother, but I know she couldn't comprehend. It was pretty sad.
And I was clueless. My son was a cryer for months, and all I could do was hold him, rock him and feed him. I got hardly any sleep. Then a couple of months later my MIL came to visit. She was a meticulous housekeeper who took pride in telling people how when her son was a baby, she would prop the baby bottle on a blanket so she could clean the house. So she took a look around MY house and asked me, "What do you do, play with the baby all day?"
My subsequent three babies were a piece of cake after that experience.
I had c-sections with both of my boys, and my mom came and stayed a week both times. It was especially wonderful the second time, as son #2 had his days and nights mixed up. He would sleep all day and then wake up around 9pm and be wide awake until about 7am. So the three of us, my mom, my husband and me, would sleep in shifts.
My mom did laundry, baked my favorite cookies, and brought me meals in bed. It was absolutely wonderful. I didn't change a diaper on either baby until after she went home. I have the best mom!
Mm1970. I wish my husband would have been more baby-friendly, but he just doesn't have it in him. On the occasion when I'd pass one of the kids off to him for a few minutes, he'd sit there, frozen, like a marble statue, both him and baby looking most uncomfortable.
Sissy. Congratulations on your two wonderful daughters, and on being a grammie! I'm not ready to become a grammie yet, but maybe in another 5-10 years I'll be there. It does excite me although over the prospect of my own babies having babies! There's just something about that that hits me a different way. Surreal like...
Catherine. So sad about you not being able to share your new baby happiness with your mom. Ah yes, the old baby bottle prop. I know it! Don't know what mothers and experts have to say about propping baby bottles nowadays, but I know back in the 70's, propping a baby's bottle was par for the course! Or as I often say, all in a days work!!! P.S. So happy to know you let your housework lapse for your kids! Good on you!!!
AnneM. I cannot imagine dealing with a baby with an internal clock issue. I found it bad enough when one of my kids would wake up during the night, but to contend with a bundle of crying fussing fret around the clock, whew! Tires me out just thinking about it.
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