Discomfort with Relative Posting Pictures of Our Baby on You Tube

[ejchase]

Hi All,

We have a wonderful relative who has been a huge help with our daughter since she was born six months ago, providing endless amounts of support, which we really appreciate. Unfortunately, this relative also takes lots of videos of our girl and posts them on you tube, and for reasons that are probably not entirely rational, I am uncomfortable with this.

How do I explain to this relative I don't want him to post any more videos of our baby on you tube?

I have a private picture sharing site which I share with dozens of our relatives and friends, but I just don't like pictures of our baby out there for anyone to see and I can't quite explain why. I did have a stalker years ago, which probably has something to do with it, but only the baby's first name is on any of the videos, so nobody would be able to link them to me. I think I just sort of feel that our baby's image belongs to her, and nobody should be plastering her picture all over the place for strangers to look at unless that person is her when she's older.

I already sort of have a reputation in the family as a control freak (which I am about some things), but I also know it's okay for me to set boundaries about my own child.

Any ideas about how I might handle this?

Thanks in advance for your help.

Elizabeth

[Rosemary]

I don't have suggestions other than just politely asking him/her not to do this, but can say that you are not alone in being uncomfortable with this.

[Tradd]

Tell the relative that they are not to take any videos/pictures of your daughter.

[CathyA]

Just explain to her that you feel very uncomfortable having pictures of your daughter on sites that are open to the entire world to see and ask her to please not do that. Can she remove the ones that are already on there? I totally agree with you.

[loosechickens]

From my point of view, if your daughter is not identified, I would have no problem with it, but MY thoughts on it, as well as your relative's thoughts about it are not important. YOUR feelings about it are. My advice would be to go to your relative and say just what you've said in your opening post here, acknowledge that your feelings may seem over the top, and you can't even quite explain them to yourself, but you DO have them, and unless the relative stops putting the videos out there in public, you are going to have to ask them to refrain from taking pictures of your child at all.

It might help to just sit down and examine your feelings, what you fear, why exactly it makes you uncomfortable, so you have a better understanding of your feelings for your own information. It may be a control issue, but so what? It may be an unreasonable fear, but so what? It's your child, you are responsible for that child's wellbeing, so if you are uncomfortable, your feelings should trump all others.

I'd just speak to the relative calmly and kindly, and if he or she won't agree to refrain from posting the videos, see that your child isn't available for photographing. JMHO

[razz]

I am with you on this EJ. Just because technology enables some action seems to mean to some people that it must be done, ie., your relative. It is no different than someone coming into my home and taking an entire series of pictures of the interior and posting them for the world to see. This invites all kinds all kinds of issues including theft, vandalism etc. To say that one does not have the address of the house so it is no problem makes me shake my head.

I am amazed that anyone would think that available technology dictates what is acceptable. Technology is a tool, no more, no less.

Pictures can be modified and attached to other bodies in all kinds of horrible circumstances that will circulate for years and impact for years without one's knowledge.

When I was in the Bahamas years ago, I tried to take a street picture of the palm trees, street, etc, some residents were upset that they might be in the pictures and protested. While I had no intention of offense in that situation, I learned that to take anyone's picture, I must ask permission first. Many cultures believe that taking a picture of them is disrespectful - http://pittsburgh.about.com/cs/pennsylvania/a/amish_country.htm.

EJ, you have every right to request that any pictures of your family must require permission for taking and their use. It is a legal privacy issue. Technology is a servant not a master.

[Mrs-M]

The proper way of approaching sensitive issues such as this is asking first, before acting upon. (No explanation is needed on your part, other than being honest and nice and expressing your views and take on the matter as to your dislike).

[Bastelmutti]

I would just politely ask for them to be taken down. A friend once revealed my location on Facebook while I was on vacation, so I asked her to remove it as fast as she could! It wasn't really an issue - she just didn't realize how I felt about it.

[Miss Cellane]

You have every right to control what images of your daughter are put on the internet. I'd ask the relative first to take them down. If he doesn't, then you have to decide how far you are wiling to push this. You can try to prevent him from taking any more pictures, or you can severely limit his access to your child. That might be what it takes for him to realize how serious you are.

Try to offer an alternative when you make your request. I have to admit I have the image of a proud grandpa, bursting with pride about his grandbaby, posting videos on YouTube of the most beautiful baby in the world. Could you offer to set up a private site for him as well? Or offer to share yours? so that he can still share the videos with his friends?

My SIL feels exactly the same way you do. Relatives were putting pictures of her kids up on FaceBook. She asked nicely for them to be taken down, and explained a little why she doesn't want their pictures on the internet. As far as I know, everyone willingly complied. SIL has allowed a few videos of the kids to be put up on YouTube recently, but they are of sports activities and you never really get a closeup of any of the kids, and only first names are used. She's still not real happy with this, but my brother really wanted to do it, so it's a trial run.

[IshbelRobertson]

Explain that you uncomfortable at images of your child being put up on Youtube.

It is your prerogative as the parent to set the parameters..

[AmeliaJane]

I would also just observe that although we assume everyone is up on things like Internet safety, not all folks are familiar with the ins and outs of the Internet. I was just reading an unrelated article on how everyone expects today's teens and college students to know how to do Internet searches but many are unfamiliar with the basics. Almost everyone learns by doing, so people often have big gaps in their knowledge. You don't say what generation this person is, but it's also possible that they may not understand the difference between you putting pictures on a private site and them putting public video on YouTube, or what other, safer alternatives exist. Also, it's been a long time since this came up for our family (we share videos other ways now) but I think there may actually be a way to make YouTube videos private.

So not having any context, my solution would be to start with educating and working with the relative to help them do what they want (post videos) in a safe way that you are comfortable. Now, if they can't seem to cooperate, you can always escalate from there by putting limits on photography etc.

[Bastelmutti]

You can even start a private group on Facebook. My DH's family did this. Then share photos and videos only among the people you let into the group.

[mira]

Definitely ask politely for them to be taken down.

Photos I take of my friends' kids get sent to them via email, so they can do with them what they will. I would feel uncomfortable posting photos of someone else's kid somewhere so public.

One friend has a password-protected photo album hosted at http://www.dropshots.com. It could be an idea.

[ejchase]

Belated thanks, All, for for your input. I haven't decided exactly how to handle it yet, but your responses are helping me think it through.

[Mrs-M]

Just go with your heart EJ.

[Sissy]

As the parent, you have the control. I know this is a sticky situation, but the child and it's images are your call.

That said, my DD (the aunt) has taken 100's of pictures of my GDDs from the very first day. DD didn't want them on facebook, but sis finally got her to allow it. I still didn't like it, but really, baby pictures look a lot alike as far as stalkers go, so I don't think I will worry about that. But as they get older and actually develop their own distinct features, there is no way I would allow it even if I had to make someone angry. I hope you don't have to go down that avenue!

I hope you can work things out amicably since this friend seems so wonderful with your child.

Sherry