on being less critical

[flowerseverywhere]

I have noticed lately that I have become more critical of others. In subtle ways I find myself making negative comments about things. Like one of my kids told me most of their friends haven't started any retirement savings, even those in their 30's that have access to 401k's with matches. I found myself repeating that to a very old and dear friend who made a comment that I did not know their circumstances so should not be so judging, and it made me realize that I was being critical about something that was none of my business. I started paying attention to what I said and realized I often say negative or critical things without even realizing it. I see it here all the time however this is an anonymous internet forum and as we all know, not real life and some people intentionally try to pick other peoples statements apart. But in real life with real people I don't want to be a crabby old critical lady.
Anyone have any hints, or noticed themselves dong similar things and how did you correct it.

[goldensmom]

Not sure if this will help but this is what try to do. First, the best thing is for the thought that precedes the words to not be there but if it is then I take time to think before I speak. I consider, what is the purpose of what I have to say - is what I have to say helpful, edifying, or necessary? Sometime no response is the best response. My credo is this area is: “Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue” (Proverbs 17:28). I’m not always successful but I’d rather appear wise than otherwise.

[bagelgirl]

I absolutely will cop to this fault. I feel it's one of my worse traits.

Having said that, I'm not sure you were totally out of line to remark on young people who had not started their retirement savings yet. I think it could have been a discussion with your friend about how we see things differently at different ages, and how it's a bit of a shame that it's difficult to get across the message of retirement savings to the young.

Also, the current economic climate might have really changed people's plans so they are prioritizing other basic firsts.

And you might have discussed your own priorities at that age and your own monetary relevations.

In other words, it could have started an interesting conversation with your friend had it not been perceived as criticism.

[jania]

I think it is very hard to tell ones' self to stop being critical and judgmental....but, it is easier to begin censoring ones' self. I can be very judgmental but I have found I don't have to voice my opinion all the time. Most of the time the things I'm critical about have no bearing on my own life. I've found as I've learned to stay quiet I've also become less critical. It seemed for me there was a loop of voicing my opinion reinforcing my critical mind, then the more criticisms I thought of the more I wanted to voice.

I think it's good you already know you don't want to become a crabby, old, critical lady. You've already taken the first step in changing a habit, recognition.

[leslieann]

I've noticed that when I stop judging myself I tend to judge other people a whole lot less, too. YMMV.

[Zoebird]

it's good to observe about oneself. i'm in that process as well -- and trying to work out my own feelings and fears around the criticisms that i "lob" at others.

my ILs are continually critical of how we manage our money, but the truth is that they really don't have the same realities that we did/do. When they got married, her father let them live in his rental rent-free, and when DH was 4, they inherited the house. So, they never had a house payment. They never paid a mortgage. Only tax and maintenance once they owned it via inheritance. Likewise, their first cars were gifts. FIL was given a pension automatically, and MIL worked for a bit -- all of her income going into investments and savings -- and when she didn't and was a SAHM, FIL worked a second job part time and all of that went into savings.

So, they really don't understand why we don't have tons of savings like they did by the time they were our age. first, DH never had a pension plan, just the 401k. we always put in the max and got the max match, and still paid a mortgage, paid for our cars (nothing fancy), paid our bills, had no credit card debt, and so on. We never managed to get an emergency savings beyond $6k, because normally there would be a series of emergencies that ate it up. We would put DH's bonuses into that savings, and half of my income (after expenses), and the other half of my money went to our entertainment and travels (plus my student loan debt -- another thing my ILs never had -- and that DH and I did have).

So, it is true. A lot of the financial pressures that we face(d) -- they never had to. Now, they are retired, on FIL's pension, their investments, and social security. They still live frugally -- as they always have -- and they live well overall. They are still critical of us -- of everyone -- but it was our retirement that let us do what we are doing now.

and to be sure, the plan with this business is to break really, really wide open, to pay ourselves back and do very well. I know that it is already happening -- but they can't conceive of that either, and want us to get "real jobs" and "be realistic" and "save for retirement" and so on.

But i don' t. we feel comfortable having end-of-life insurance for ourselves (in case we need care), and from there, just keeping ourselves young and fit as possible, doing our best, and keeping this business going until we are very successful. Which really, is mostly a matter of determination and time.

I try not to take their criticism so seriously, and I also try not to defend myself (because they want to manage our affairs and any information is too much information that just comes back as criticism), but it can be tough not to take that stuff on!

[Wildflower]

I hate how the younger generation constantly has their nose stuck in an electronic device. It really bugs me. And those little kids that have to watch a video to be content in the car until they arrive at their destination, however short the trip is. I feel like they are missing so much by not having a real book in their hands and reading, or interacting with others in a real conversation, or watching the scenery and daydreaming instead in the car whilst traveling. I can really get going on this kind of stuff and realized just the other day what a critical, grumpy old lady I have become! LOL I guess this is progress and I need to let go of the good ole days. I remember my Grandparents grumbling about alot of things they didn't like back in the day. I remember how much it grated on my nerves and now I am them! ;)

[puglogic]

This is a constant struggle for me too, flowerseverywhere. Some days I do better than others. But it's not someone I want to be, and so I keep on working on it.

[flowerseverywhere]

I am so thankful for all the support and comments. The other threads related to this (listening and complaining) are very interesting as well. I am determined to not be crabby so I welcome all insights, criticisms and comments on this matter.
zoebird, thank you for your insight. Life changes with each decade, each generation and with all the bombardment of the present day media and life circumstances we all need to be comfortable doing the best we can.

[Zoebird]

nah, wildflower, that stuff bothers me too.

hawk is definitely comfortable with technology -- it's all around us. but we are clear: "computers are tools; cell phones are tools." they are not gaming devices. He also knows that tools are tools. And, he doesn't get much media (perhaps one show per week, and that's usually a cooking show!), and we are pretty staunch on it. it's also why we want to send him to steiner schools -- so that he's in a media-free, electronics free environment growing up, learning to work with his hands, heart, and head -- not just his head like his father and i were raised.

we are also considering seeing if we can start a suburban camphill village and work/live there, but you never know how those things pan out. lol see what we can do, anyway.

[flowerseverywhere]

nah, wildflower, that stuff bothers me too.

hawk is definitely comfortable with technology -- it's all around us. but we are clear: "computers are tools; cell phones are tools." they are not gaming devices. He also knows that tools are tools. And, he doesn't get much media (perhaps one show per week, and that's usually a cooking show!), and we are pretty staunch on it. it's also why we want to send him to steiner schools -- so that he's in a media-free, electronics free environment growing up, learning to work with his hands, heart, and head -- not just his head like his father and i were raised.

we are also considering seeing if we can start a suburban camphill village and work/live there, but you never know how those things pan out. lol see what we can do, anyway.

I agree so much with the media stuff too. I am so thankful that my son and DIL don't have the TV on when the kids are around. It would be hard for me not to say anything- I am positive and complimentary to my kids at least. I think it makes children so much more thoughtful and creative if they learn to play with toys, draw and read books rather than have images bombard them.

I had never read about Steiner schools, thanks for the info. Interesting.

[Marianne]

Agh, I fight this almost daily! I usually apologize and then add that I don't know when I turned into my mother. Our family understands this.

[Selah]

I also fight this very bad habit, not always successfully. The judgments and criticisms still arise in my mind, but when I am aware of it, though, before opening my mouth I try to ask myself "do you really have all the information here to make a call like that?" Or, "did anyone actually ask you what you thought of this?" The answer is always NO! :) It's a good fight worth having, though... it's a very bad habit, and very much worth all the energy you put into breaking it!

[pinkytoe]

Being aware of it is half the battle. I think like everything else, being judgemental of others becomes a habit. On the kids and gadgets theme...we were at a restaurant yesterday with family when a group of teens came in and sat down at the table next to us. Every single one of them pulled their phones out and began texting and there was total silence for about five minutes before any of them spoke. It truly looked bizarre. I know I'm from some other generation...but I just don't get the need to be connected continually.

[Gardenarian]

I have also found myself being hypercritical, and of course this causes friction. I have found that making a concerted effort to smile and be cheerful actually works, and I find that little peeves bother me far less.

I'm not a naturally merry and optimistic person, but I'd like to be! This is something that I keep coming back to in my life - making the choice to be happy.

My parents were both very critical, and what I think is more important, they would give us kids more attention when we were grouchy or sick. When I was a teenager I actually thought being depressed made me a more interesting person. I had the crazy idea that happy people were somehow shallow; they weren't as real and deep as I was. I think that idea still has currency (Goths and others.)

It can be hard to change an ingrained habit of cynicism and complaint, especially when it seems like people have more respect for those who are arrogant and disdainful, but when you think of it as a choice to be happier, or not, it's pretty simple!

I know I've got off your topic here and maybe this doesn't apply to you at all, but it's something I think about a lot.

[mira]

It is easy to get blinkered by your own individual ways of thinking, standards, way of life, etc. It's sometimes difficult for us to climb outside the four walls of our own mind and see from other perspectives.

I have found that encouraging myself to understand others and offering alternative explanations for their behaviour has really lessened my previous tendency to judge and criticise.

[babr]

I deal with depression daily and I think that is often what is behind my words; also i notice that when i am feeling especially down i start talking about others; i feel better knowing that i don't want to spend my time focusing on other peoples lives/decisions etc.; none of my business

one thing that bothers me and i am not sure where it comes from but i often find women putting men down; oh you know how men are; and you fill in the blank; i know hating women is masochism? but what is hating men?

anyway i think it is a bad trend; and i don't engage in the conversation or i say well my husband isn't like that

[JaneV2.0]

Misandry.

[Fawn]

I think it is somehow in human nature to divide people into us and them. People who are like me (pick your category: race, saving habits, media use, etc) are OK, normal, rational people. Those other people over there, who are different are just wrong.

I try to counter this way of thinking in myself by being an appreciator of diversity. I like many kinds of flowers, I like different things about different personality types.

I look for the positive in everything. I am much more joyful this way.

Just so you don't think I am a blithering Pollyanna idiot.....I do spend my workday in the constant presence of sickness and death and my free time with teenagers. There is conflict and injustice in the world. But, being an opinionated, sad, grouch does not serve any of us.

I chose joy. !Splat!

[fidgiegirl]

I chose joy.

I had a coworker who worked in a different part of the building, then left for a year, then came back and worked much nearer to where I was. I didn't like her when she worked afar, but got to know her and her family and circumstances much better when she worked physically nearer, and learned that "Choose Joy" was like a personal motto of hers. She held people accountable, but was always caring, loving, often funny, resourceful, and basically JOYFUL in the midst of all the crap that was her life at the time. I really admired her for it and love this saying to this day.

[Fawn]

I had a coworker who worked in a different part of the building, then left for a year, then came back and worked much nearer to where I was. I didn't like her when she worked afar, but got to know her and her family and circumstances much better when she worked physically nearer, and learned that "Choose Joy" was like a personal motto of hers. She held people accountable, but was always caring, loving, often funny, resourceful, and basically JOYFUL in the midst of all the crap that was her life at the time. I really admired her for it and love this saying to this day.

I do think that people often coast or take the nice things for granted. It may be that a person has to get to a difficult place before they say to themselves, "I don't like it here. Since it doesn't seem like anyone is coming to rescue me, how am I going to get myself out of this?" And then begin the difficult work of digging out. Choosing joy can be that difficult work. Isn't it easier to feel sorry for ourselves and blame others?

Choosing joy is about making each moment the best it can be.