View Full Version : Complaining
I am not sure how it happened, it was so gradual, but I've developed a real intolerance for people who seem to feel that the purpose of communicating with other people is to complain - about their job, their spouse, the weather, their car, their kids, that telemarketer, the postman, big business, small business, their health problems, the gubmint, and on and on.
I've become hyperaware of it, and find myself keeping a tally of the topics my acquaintances choose to bring up. Try it some time: You may, as I did, find that easily 50% of the things that come out of the mouths of ordinary folks are complaints about something, some of them subtle (the officiating at a game, the speed of service at a store or restaurant) some not so subtle (the old "can you believe what he/she did?" thing)
Nobody's life is perfect, but it seems we have really become a culture of complaint, where for many the primary mode of conversation is b****ching, gossip, and wishful thinking.
Flowerseverywhere's post on criticism brought this back to the top of my mind. It's an ongoing effort of mine to think before I open my mouth to gripe about something, someone. Are you a complainer? Could you make it through an entire day without uttering a single complaint?
I agree.. maybe it's because of all the "confession TV" shows that has enabled people to think that all petty feelings should be shared. I think there's a social grace that we've forgotten that dictates that we consider the other person when we're talking with them. No one likes to hear that negativity all the time.
Complaining is a kind of self-centredness that drains people around one. I usually try to turn the conversation around by finding something in the form of a question that that person can feel grateful for - "it is so hot/cold>isn't it great that we have this sunshine which seems to brighten everything? OR everything is so expensive> What a wonderful choice we have between stores, recycled and new, don't you agree?
It seems to stop people from complaining to me.
That is not to say that if someone simply wants to vent because life at that moment is filled with stress that I would not quietly listen and nod in support, give a hug to show I care and then we both carry on with our lives. That is a very different scenario.
That is not to say that if someone simply wants to vent because life at that moment is filled with stress that I would not quietly listen and nod in support, give a hug to show I care and then we both carry on with our lives. That is a very different scenario.
X2. You beat me to it! :o) In our family, there's a difference between complaining and venting. Venting is allowed. Actually, complaining is allowed (if you had a bad day, etc), but whining is not allowed.
For me, the worst ones are the people that go into detail when you casually ask 'how are you'.
That is not to say that if someone simply wants to vent because life at that moment is filled with stress that I would not quietly listen and nod in support, give a hug to show I care and then we both carry on with our lives. That is a very different scenario.
Absolutely. And it's sometimes a fine line there too -- does this person actually want to solve the problem? Or is it sufficient for them to continue to complain about the situation, never really doing the work to change anything? I'm a great friend and will listen to a point, but I'm always thinking those questions too. Luckily, most of the people in my life aren't content to just complain -- they will take the time and effort to fix what's wrong if it's fixable. Really great point, though.
And harmony, that's the oldest trick in the book, isn't it? "Do you think you could try to be less negative?" "YOU'RE the one who's negative! You're always picking on me!" :) The old turn-it-around-so-I-don't-have-to-take-responsibility trick.
fidgiegirl
9-20-11, 8:34am
For me, the worst ones are the people that go into detail when you casually ask 'how are you'.
An unwritten cultural norm in the US among many native speakers of English is that "how are you" is a frozen chunk really meaning "hello," NOT "how are you." I've heard that this is frustrating and offputting for people who speak other languages. Interesting to manage all these unwritten rules!
I am a complainer, at times. I am DEFINITELY a gossiper. I hate it about myself, and am trying, mainly through listening, to change the dynamic of many of these kinds of conversations (see my other thread) . . .
I do find that it is easier to tolerate when I don't have other expectations. Isn't that sad?! It strikes me that this is the very reason I don't call some of my closest friends (and have been feeling bad about it . . . ). It's because all EITHER ONE of us does when we talk is COMPLAIN!!!!!!! And if the other person is REALLY wrapped up in their own stuff, they won't even ask about anyone else. :( My in-laws are the same way. Some of them will genuinely inquire about me or others at an event, but several of them stand poised to recount every minor, dismissable customer service foible that happened in the last 20 years. I am not exaggerating. But now I just don't even expect those complainers to ask about me, really, and now I know that when they do, it's just because they know they are supposed to, not because they are truly interested, so I give some kind of shallow answer (cuz if I get deeper, say real feelings or real opinions I get judged!!) and let them move on to their next complaint. But now that I know to just expect it, I don't get worked up. It's how they are, and I sure ain't gonna change 'em.
Also I agree that the internal judging/criticizing is less easy to change than the words that come out of our mouths, though I find even that is super hard.
I feel the same way! I mostly like to talk about positive, happy things and then I feel like I'm bragging or being irritatingly cheerful.
For example, a lot of my friends complain non-stop about their husbands and kids. I like my husband and kids. Sure, they have their moments, but they're sweet, cute, funny, interesting and lovable and I genuinely enjoy their company. Yes, my husband leaves his shoes in the living room and tracks dirt in from the jobsite, but he also brings me flowers every week, takes me out on dates all the time, tells me he's attracted to me and loves me a million times a day, loves our kids and does a lot with them and has deep, interesting conversations with me. Complaining about the shoes feels petty. As a consequence I know a lot of people have developed the viewpoint that I have some kind of perfect, carefree life, which isn't even remotely true. I just think there's so much more interesting stuff to focus on than complaining. Even in talking about problems I think it's more interesting to think about ways to solve them than to complain about them.
In complaining about people I think there's an element of self-fulfilling prophesy there too. Using the husband example, I'm sure if Zach thought I was running him down all the time and focusing on his flaws he'd be much less inclined to be loving, thoughtful and romantic towards me. Even with strangers, if you approach people as though they are irritants in your day, they are more likely to be so. If you smile and are friendly and accessible, I've found most people respond in kind. Sometimes they'll even go from feeling crabby and down to being cheerful.
I love it! We now have a thread where people are complaining about people who complain.
catherine
9-20-11, 10:47am
I love it! We now have a thread where people are complaining about people who complain.
I think we're just venting. ;)
I think we're just venting. ;)
Or just discussing.
General complaining doesn't bother me all that much because we all do it to a certain extent. The one case in which it bothers me emmensly is when my sister does it. She complains about things that most people only wish was happening to them.
She doesn't work and hasn't for at least thirty years. She has no kids. Her husband has a great job with involves domestic and international travel. She goes on many of his trips free of charge. She lives in a huge historic home which they've lovingly restored. Tomorrow she leaves on her free two week trip to Italy which her husband won for being employee of the year.
So what does she complain about? Everything. She hates the house, she hates cleaning the house and she hates that house doesn't allow her to do what she really loves, which is painting, which she didn't do for at least 20 years before they bought this house anyway. She hates dealing with contractors or anything else related to home ownership.
Everytime she has to go on a trip with her husband and there are other corporate wives along, she complains about most of the other wives, complains about what they did and complains about at least two or three aspects of the trip. (The last one was San Fran and Napa Valley, poor dear)
For weeks she has been complaining about how stressfull sitting at her computer planning every detail of the Italy trip has been. She is positively obsessed with planning every last detail of trips, not just hotels, restaurants and museums, but bakeries, delis, shops, and everything else planning out each and every walk, train ride, and car route for each day. I'll stop by after working all day at my computer and she'll repeat over and over how horrible it was to sit at a computer all day planning the trip of a lifetime. When she closed her computer without saving the "Tuscany" document she made everyone miserable for days because she had to reconstruct it. It never remotely occurs to her that other people work at computers all day doing stuff they don't love because they have to eat and pay bills.
Then there are the clothes buying trips, which she also hates. Everytime she goes on a trip, and we're talkin 3 or 4 a year, she has absolutely nothing to wear. I swear there must be a vortex in her closet (the giant new walk-in one they had built this year) that's sucking all her clothes to the great beyond on a regular basis. She says they're stained or not right for the trip. Off she goes to buy more. This time it was to a larger city that they stayed in overnight so she could get the right clothes for Italy. Shopping is just so damn stressful, so it requires staying at a nice hotel and eating in nice restaurants.
I'm sooooo glad she's leaving tomorrow. My single homeowner, not rich, non traveling, hardworking, dumpy clothes wearing self who is taking care of her pets while she's complaining her way through Italy needs one hell of a break. I did get the nerve to tell her yesterday that when she decides to give any of the stained, not right clothes to Goodwill, I want right of first refusal. I have detergent. I can get out stains dagnabbit! And we're identical twins. They'll fit me.
I feel better now.
treehugger
9-20-11, 12:35pm
For example, a lot of my friends complain non-stop about their husbands and kids.
I find this to be pretty standard among the average woman, too, and it bothers me. I often want to stop them and ask, "Is there anything you do like about your husband/kid?" But of course I don't since that would come off as pretty antagonistic.
An unwritten cultural norm in the US among many native speakers of English is that "how are you" is a frozen chunk really meaning "hello," NOT "how are you." I've heard that this is frustrating and offputting for people who speak other languages.
Well, I think it's cultural within different areas of the US, since I was not raised to say, "How are you?" to everyone I meet and not expect an answer. I just say hello. Or I ask good friends how they are because I really want to know. And yes, I realize I am in the minority with this, but I find it odd for strangers to ask strangers, clearly not wanting to hear anything but, "Fine," or nothing at all. So, if you don't want to hear a real answer, don't ask! :}
Smiling and saying hello is sufficient. Truly.
But what I really want to complain about are the weather complainers. For some reason, this is the regular complaining that annoys me the most. I mean, it's weather, we have some every day, and we can't do anything about it (clearly, I'm not talking about being upset about hurricaine damage or the like). Why waste time bitching about it? I work with people who complain every day (it's too hot, too cold, too windy, too cloudy, to sunny, too grey). I guess some of this has to do with just needing something to talk about...but truly, silence isn't a bad thing.
OK, that's my complaint for the complaining about complaining thread. :)
Kara
"For example, a lot of my friends complain non-stop about their husbands and kids."
This baffles me, too. I expect more loyalty than that from people. I would think if your spouse is truly horrible, you would do something about it; otherwise keep it between the two of you. Not complaining--it's no skin off my nose, and really none of my business. But it happens often enough to be notable.
I've mentioned before that, having worked in both all male and all female groups, and in my experience women complain about their partners way, way more than men do. FWIW
catherine
9-20-11, 12:52pm
I've mentioned before that, having worked in both all male and all female groups, and in my experience women complain about their partners way, way more than men do. FWIW
Interesting. Are women more passive aggressive? Are they more into control issues? (So if their SO doesn't do things exactly they way they want, it's an issue?) Are they more judgmental? Do they feel LESS empowered in the relationship so they have to release pent-up frustration by complaining?
loosechickens
9-20-11, 2:45pm
When I have to be around complainers, I always think of how much I wish they could have known my husband's late Aunt Marian, who was such a positive person that when we visited her for the last time (actually the day before she died, unexpectedly in her early nineties), she had just been moved to a nursing home from the hospital because she had broken her hip, as we entered the room, we were greeted by the following:
"Oh, I'm just so glad to see you! Look, look, aren't I lucky?" (as she gestured toward the window in her room). "They've given me a room where I can see a bird feeder! Look at all those beautiful birds".
At her funeral, her son-in-law said, "that Marian......she could find something positive to say about spilled paint", and it was true. She was the happiest, most contented, positive person I ever met. People were drawn to her, everyone loved her, at her funeral, even the waitresses from a coffee shop she had frequented years ago, showed up.
She had an ordinary life, lost her husband suddenly, had to move from her beloved home, lived on a small income, had health problems, etc., just as anyone else, but somehow, while she acknowledged troubles, she never dwelled on them, and focused instead on all the ways of finding contentment where she was at that moment.
What a lady.......when I hear so many constant complainers, who often have much smoother lives than this aunt had, I remember her SO fondly. May she rest in peace. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her, and try to at least TRY to look at life the way she did. Aunt Marian....long gone, but certainly not forgotten.
I saw a talk once where the speaker took a very large piece of white paper, and carefully put a tiny black dot in the middle of the paper, then went on with his talk. In a bit, he gestured to the paper and said "what do you see". Of course, everybody said "a little black dot".
then he said, "Isn't it interesting that this black dot takes up only the tiniest percentage of this paper, but not one of you noticed the huge expanse of white paper, you zeroed right in on that tiny dot. That's how we are in life.....we zero in on our troubles and problems, without being conscious of the huge piece of white paper that is our life in general, and should be noticed as well.
I try, not always successfully, whenever I complain about something, to pair with it, something positive, often about the same thing. Because every cloud really DOES have its silver lining, and every situation carries within it some positive elements, if we only seek them out. I try to remember Aunt Marian, and I also remember that sheet of paper, and make an effort to see that big expanse of white paper instead of just the tiny dot.
One thing that I notice about chronic complainers is that it really IS a habit. Most of the time, they aren't even aware that they are doing it, and are clueless as to why people often avoid them, or show signs of wanting to escape. Sometimes, I joke and say something like "Well, enough of all the sunshine and rainbows....isn't there anything WRONG in your life right now?", but.........
Lovely story, LC. Wish I had met your Aunt Marian.
Loosechickens....I really wish my sister could have met Aunt Marian. And the "rainbows and sunshine" line is a great one. I think I'll try it on her. Then I'll duck just in case.
I love people like Aunt Marian--so refreshing! I remember being in a conversation with a "black dot" person and after listening to one tale of woe after another, I finally asked "Has anything good happened to you lately?" I try to maintain the mindset that everything usually works out for the best; not always easy, but usually possible.
"Are women more passive aggressive? Are they more into control issues?"
Traditionally, women gossip/talk about people behind their backs more than men (not that men don't gossip), and I suspect passive aggression and resentment brought about by economic dependence may also play a part. Probably Deborah Tannen knows.
I also LOVE your story LC! Very inspirational. You've written a great tribute to her. I was lucky to have a couple of women similar to Aunt Marian as role models in my life and I know what a positive aura they transmit.
One of my favorite lines by Thicn Nhat Hanh is: "When we have a toothache, we know that not having a toothache is happiness. But later, when we don't have a toothache, we don't treasure our non-toothache."
I wish I had met Aunt Marian too. I strive to be an Aunt Marian. Maybe by the time I'm in my 90s I'll get there.
I'm not a complainer per se, but do catch myself (every so often) being negative and derogatory about something or another. A little is healthy IMO, a lot is not.
I know this is an issue with me. I really really work at finding the other side of things however I tend to have a lot of drama. I have rightfully been called a drama queen, I just don't know how much is me creating it or me reacting to what things are happening around me. I don't tell my life story with a 'how are you' from just anyone.
I am not sure what to do with this. I feel like some days if I don't say anything then people just think I am the saddest or the most spacey person ever rather than knowing my daughter refused to come home for days. I actually don't want everyone to know that, I just pulled aside my supervisor and told her the basics and then at work keep it to myself.
Does anyone have this thing, it seems from the midwest, where saying positive things or praising are REALLY not okay. The best in my family was silence. So you cook this great dinner and my parents would visit and they would be totally silent. Then I started 'modeling' by praising myself honestly and they seem to do better. But around the women in my family if you start saying too much positive then they get really uncomfortable. They used to pretty much tell you to stop in so many words or actions. Now I find I am better but job interviews are hard, it feels like breaking a huge bragging taboo. They are all much more comfortable complaining and it is hard to break that when you were raised that way.
I have a close friend who is generally even more positive than I am, but she has a wicked sense of humor.
I've watched her in a social gathering sit and listen to a complainer, nodding through a story about how married life is terrible because her husband loads the dishwasher wrong or something equally horrifying, and then she'll lean back, whistle, and ask them, "Wow, what's your name? 'Sunshine' ?"
I'm not that mean. And I'm no pollyanna - not rainbows and sunshine here. But, like with flowerseverywhere's thread, and fidgiegirl's thread about listening, I'm seeing what kind of person I DON'T want to be by watching the people around me, and crafting myself into a better person as much as I'm able.
I Does anyone have this thing, it seems from the midwest, where saying positive things or praising are REALLY not okay.
Absolutely! And saying even small positive things about yourself, even if you've busted your butt, was always verboten in my family. Awful way to raise a kid, isn't it?
I'd rather listen to a complainer than someone faking being positive.
From my experience, constant complainers are insecure with themselves or don't have many constructive interests. Some times I can remind myself of that and understand. Some times not.
Insecure with themselves or suffering from depression. Yeah, I remind myself of that, too.
One of my favorite lines by Thicn Nhat Hanh is: "When we have a toothache, we know that not having a toothache is happiness. But later, when we don't have a toothache, ww don't treasure our non-toothache."
Boy, I sure do. I hate, hate, hate, hate being nauseated. Every once in a while, I take a moment and take a deep breath and am just so incredibly grateful that I am not feeling like I am going to throw up. Or have a sore throat. I really hate those too.
I'm very very thankful that most of the time I feel pretty good.
fidgiegirl
9-20-11, 10:45pm
Maybe one solution is to look to the gratitude thread more often. I know I've been neglecting it, even though I've been feeling very positive lately. Lots to be grateful for, and expressing it encourages me to look for it more often.
I also have a prayer journal that I mean to keep up. There are many specific individuals I'd like to pray for and I started this journal for that very reason, but haven't been at all consistent. I think I made two entries. I was inspired by Abilene (sp?) in the novel "The Help." Should pull it out again.
I have mentioned it before, but I really found the book "365 Thank Yous (http://www.amazon.com/365-Thank-Yous-Gratitude-Changed/dp/1401324053/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1316572914&sr=1-2)" to be extremely inspiring. Really a testimonial to the power of gratitude. However, it's easy to forget about this power in the midst of the daily grind. It was an easy read, but impactful. I'd encourage anyone to check it out.
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41tHQlU65eL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA300_SH20_OU01_.jpg
I'm reminded of the line by Lily Tomlin: "Language was invented by humans because of our deep-seated need to complain."
But I'm like other posters in that I'm astounded by the stuff some people complain about in their otherwise cushy lives. I know one term for that is "high-class problems", e.g., if the food speciality shop is out of their favorite jam and they have to wait til next week when a new shipment comes in and this is cause for many minutes of teeth-gnashing - really?
Finally, I'm also a fan of Kralik's book "365 Thank Yous" and have put some of that into practice, especially giving positive feedback to companies which, I'm sure, get mainly the complainers on their survey sites. Need to remember to give credit where credit is due.
iris lily
9-21-11, 12:18am
I said so many stupid things at social interactions last week, I can barely stand myself. I didn't complain, but I said something exaggerated and sarcastic, and then at another party just blithered about stupid things.
Really, DH should stop taking me any place.
This thread reminds me of an old joke.
A man entered a monastary where the vow of silence was observed. One day a year, they were allowed to say one thing to the abbot.
The first year, on his day of speech, the man said "The bed is hard."
The second year, "The soup is always cold."
The third year, "I quit."
The abbot said "Good. All you've done since you've come here is complain."
Iris, I find myself blithering too. You know it's bad when you annoy yourself. I try to just steer clear of people for a little while.
This thread is a good reminder to speak words of life and gratitude, blessing and not curse and all that.
Well, at least Rep. John Flemming has a right to complain, poor soul
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HW2VW-Z1M94&feature=player_embedded
someone mentioned lately that people who complain a lot are depressed. Maybe true.
loosechickens
9-21-11, 2:16pm
I do think that it may have a root in depression, but also quickly becomes a habit, and once that habit of negativity and complaint takes over someone's life, it's hard to spiral back out of it. The mind kind of forms "ruts" of thinking in negative patterns, and makes a self reinforcing feedback loop.
Which makes it extra important if you listen to yourself and hear those patterns, to make special efforts to catch yourself, try to find ONE thing about the situation that you can frame as positive, and if you can't do that, at least look around you at other facets of your life, to try to find some positives to balance against the complaints.
As I used to listen to my mother and her dinner companions at the very luxurious retirement center they lived in, complain about the service, the food, too hot, too cold, slow service or being hurried, too many spices, not enough spices, on and on and on, in a place with gourmet food, luxurious linens and comfy armchairs for dining, attentive service, often live music, and much attention paid.........I used to amuse myself thinking of them being transported somehow by the gods, to some inner city nursing home and dreading the roaches that often would crawl out from under their plates......... hey......it made ME smile..... ;-)
Well, at least Rep. John Flemming has a right to complain, poor soul
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HW2VW-Z1M94&feature=player_embedded
Wow, somebody bring that guy a casserole. Poor fella!!
From my experience, constant complainers are insecure with themselves or don't have many constructive interests. Some times I can remind myself of that and understand. Some times not.
I agree with you here.
I used to be a huuuuuge complainer, but once I started feeling more confident in myself, it tailed off. I'm now more likely to point out the positives or only criticise when I have the ability to change the situation. That's not to say I never complain, but I do tend to stop myself short when I realise the futility of it.
We are going through a lot of restructuring at work, so everyone seems to have something to complain about. I therefore avoid going to lunch with groups of colleagues. It's a depression-fest...
Wasn't there also a minister who decided to do an experiment by putting a rubberband on his wrist and then every time he complained, he'd have to move it to the other wrist? His parishioners got into it also, and most everyone noticed a real decline in complaining because of that physical reminder.
(of course, you could still be grumbling in your head, you're just not voicing it to everyone ..!)
mschrisgo2
9-21-11, 9:05pm
http://www.acomplaintfreeworld.org/
We've been working on this at my church (Unity) for about a year and a half now.
At first, I found myself getting very annoyed with the people at work who complained all the time. I had to detach for a while. Funny thing, all of those people have left the job in the last year!
in our household, wiht my husband at least, complaining is a way of trying to push off his anxiety as well as his responsibility for himself. This magically happen to him by no fault of his own, and if they don't get fixed by someone else, then that's not his fault either. And, it's usually directed at me.
About a year ago now, a counsellor suggested that I simply make a boundary. No more complaining. When we are hanging out, no complaining about anything -- not work, not your health, not anything. If he started complaining, I was supposed to say "I'm not interested in hearing your complaints." Which made him angry, but I spent YEARS listening to nothing BUT complaints (literally, every time we were together, it was all complaints all the time) and he told me then "you never listen to me! you don't care!"
Well, the truth is that you can really only listen to someone complain so much. i mean, i would pick him up from work, and the whole drive home would be complaints. then dinner, and so on. never sharing about our days, never talking about "stuff" and so on. It was really quite annoying and sad. It wasn't relating, it was all anxiety all the time.
And it was hard, because my nature is to fix and take care of things. So if he was complaining about a back ache, I would recommend some stretches and book him a massage, whihc he would complain about because he shouldn't have to do these things, his back should be fine, and then he's complain about when i'd booked the massage because he wanted to go to tashi station to get power converters then. I used to manage all of his appointments, and he complained that I never did it right, and that I didn't care about the details, and so on.
You can imagine that this built up a fair amount of resentment, because obviously i do care, but he was pushing away responsibility, and i was taking up that responsibility, but there was no way i could "win" because it wasn't mine to do, so of course I couldn't do it right.
So for the past year, we have had this boundary. He's not always great at keeping to it, but I am. I simply cannot tolerate his anxiety -- he needs to manage it on his own. With this, whatever is bothering him, he needs to take responsibiity for it. And, it's amazing how -- after complaining that I don't care and dont' listen -- he will actually act.
and because of that, he's getting physically healthier, and emotionally healither, which means we can relate.
Zoebird...I'm impressed with you. Not alot of people are confident enough to be able to simply draw a boundary with someone they love and stick to it. I'm trying to do this with my twin sister and it's not easy for me. She's the only family I have really, and in the back of my mind I'm afraid that if I change the dynamic I'll lose her too. Your scenario seems to be exactly what goes on with my sister, and I largely blame my wonderful brother in law for it. The more upset she gets and the louder she complains, the more he stands on his head to give her what she wants, not matter how unreasonable it is. Her negative attitude works for her.
I will say the timing of this thread was perfect. It bolstered my resolve. The evening before she left for her fabulous trip to Italy she said "The horrible thing about trips like these is the amount of time you have to spend in airports". To which I responded "Cry me a river." She was clearly shocked at my response. It occurs to me that she doesn't really hear how she sounds.
catherine
9-22-11, 11:28am
Yeah, Zoebird, GREAT work on your part! And so applicable in so many situations--whenever you have a needy person and a person who needs to be needed.
Thanks for the inspiration!
jennipurrr
9-22-11, 11:54am
I've always thought of myself as a fairly negative person...maybe that's too strong of a word...perhaps, worrisome with a tinge of melancholy? I don't know. I can have a little internal grey cloud sometimes, but I have consciously worked for the past several years on expressing gratitude and finding contentment with the life I have. And you know what, its made a huge difference. My Mom told me recently she would never have thought I would grow up to be such a positive, even keeled person...I took that as a major compliment! I was fairly neurotic even as a child.
So, now I loathe complaining. I guess it is a bit silly to be complaining about the complainers but serious griping is in direct violation of everything I have been working on in myself! When it starts (mostly my office and a couple of family members) I remove myself. I can't handle it. Everyone I hear complaining has such abundance, it seems almost absurd when removed from the situation. "I had to walk three blocks to the office"...through oak lined streets on a sunny day??? One coworker who was nearly in tears, was ready to quit because she received a seven percent raise this year! She was upset because a particular person received more. Seriously? I can't live that way. I try my best (not always successful) to really appreciate the things I do have. I just can't handle the complaining.
Edited to add...I know I do complain about a couple of things that really push my buttons. When someone has an especially poorly behaved child in public watch out. That will keep me griping all day. Maybe that is something I need to work on.
bagelgirl
9-23-11, 12:02pm
Charity, I really related to your post, not because of a twin sister, but I have noticed the more we give in to any self indulgent behavior the more it is reinforced. I always doubted the advice to "make nice" to people who were being obnoxious/rude/selfish/whatever.
Your sister's husband has taught her that if she isn't getting her needs met immediately she should just "cry" louder. If she should become tragically widowed, she will be at a total loss at functioning among others who don't care for her like her husband does.
You are so right to pull her up short occasionally. You may end up being her only friend someday.
Zoebird, fantastic response on dealing with negativity and self absorption.
"If she should become tragically widowed, she will be at a total loss at functioning among others who don't care for her like her husband does."
I can attest to the truth of this statement. A relative of mine was the pampered consort of her husband until he died in middle age. She never recovered, not having learned how to live as an independent adult. That's one dreary end I won't have to worry about.
I think about what would happen if she were widowed alot. The fact of the matter is I would inherit the situation which I would surely step to the plate for because they both have been extremely good to me when I needed it. What has reigned some of her behavior in is that her husband travels a great deal on business and is usually gone for two weeks at a time, and sometimes he has to be in Chicago 140 miles away for several days. She is slowly being forced to be more independent but she complains about it ad nauseum as though her plight is unique in it's cruelty.
To put her complaining in perspective, once when her husband invited someone over against her wishes for 1 1/2 hours, she pitched such a fit about how it ruined her weekend over the next three days that he had to drive 140 miles back home to deal with it. She was calling him at work and screaming at him so loudly that everyone in the room could hear her so he finally came home.
Until very recently if something would break down in the house, she wouldn't call the plumber or electrician. She'd call her husband in China or Australia and have him call the contractor, no matter what time it was where he was. Or she'd call me at work and tell me to call them. That part has gotten better. She calls mostly now if her husband is out of town. But then she'll complain for days about how stressfull it was. She is completely blind to the fact that ordinary people deal with all the same things every day.
ApatheticNoMore
9-24-11, 1:27am
How is office complaining any worse than any other discussions you may find you have to avoid at the office? Abhorent political positions - yea there's discussions with those and people arguing them. Boring topics - oh my so many of those. Etc.
It upset me once when there were complainers at work for awhile. They all left, almost certainly for what they considered better jobs which probably came with higher salaries. I always felt a little "less than" when the complainers were around at work, like there must be something wrong with me for sticking with and not minding my job, maybe I lacked ambition, as I wasn't trying to leave nor lead a revolution at work.
I love it! We now have a thread where people are complaining about people who complain.
:D :D :D Thanks for the laugh. I needed that.
I've found "reverse" pyschology works well. In my previous life as a salaried employee, there was a woman at our main office that everyone tried to dodge because once she latched onto you, she didn't let go and mostly all she did was complain. She talked non-stop so I figured it was fair to interrupt her, at which point I started whining and complaining back. That technique got rid of her fairly quickly. Evil me. >8)
I've been at my current job for just under 3 years. About 6 months into it I was talking to a friend and commented that I really really liked everyone in the group of people in my immediate team. When asked what it was that made them all so great I thought for a moment and responded "No one complains. No one gripes that someone else is slacking off or cutting out early or anything like that. We all just do our jobs, seem to enjoy them for the most part, and then go home at the end of the day." Before this I've never had a job where I felt this way. Although I know it can't last forever (if nothing else I expect my boss, who is great in many more ways then this, will get promoted) I go to work each day praying that this group of people will remain my coworkers for at least another day.
ApatheticNoMore
10-10-11, 11:15pm
Recently I was at a gathering where I got into a convo with someone who wanted to talk about how much they have hated being here since they moved here. Um, it frustrates me at times too for sure, but they were SO negative. It kind of killed the conversation as I really had nothing much to say to that.
Sometimes I think people complaining are just fishing for some idea that will change their lives. The thing is NOBODY HAS THAT! You hate your job say, ok very well, NOBODY ELSE KNOWS WHAT YOU SHOULD DO ABOUT IT EITHER! If you're lucky someone might have an idea and complaining may fish it out (we're so seldom allowed to ask for these things directly), but most of the times noone else knows either.
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