Article: How to Save Marriage – The Most Critical Ingredient in Saving a Marriage

[frmeital]

Thoughts this would be interesting to some of us here:

"
Even if your marriage is in crisis and instead of a happy union it feels more like unpaid, overtime work, you can probably still remember how it used to be. It used to be butterflies in your stomach; it used to be full of romance and laughs. You were once deeply in love. Sometimes it’s hard to understand how your relationship got to where it is now and what exactly happened over time.
There isn’t a way to not do the work when you are searching for how to save marriage (http://how-to-save-marriage.org/). But it doesn’t have to be all hard work and serious conversations. There is one critical ingredient in saving your marriage that is probably missing for a long time. This guide will reveal this one crucial peace and how to implement it right away.
How to Save Marriage With These Critical Elements
When couples talk about saving a marriage, this is what they think it means:
Tense discussions about problems in their marriage; awkward silences; negative thoughts and emotions; hard efforts to develop communication; accusations and fights.
Does this motivate you to saving your marriage? I’m guessing NO.
It’s true; all of these are critical elements if you want to save your marriage or relationship. But – there is one critical element that is missing here and without it will be almost impossible to succeed. The good news: This crucial peace of the puzzle is actually not exhausting at all!..."


To read the rest of it, go to:


http://www.how-to-save-marriage.org/how-to-save-marriage-%E2%80%93-the-most-critical-ingredient-in-saving-a-marriage/

What do you think?

[jennipurrr]

I'm sorry, but I can't tell if this is spam or an actual post??? The other posts by this poster also just seem to be shills for his/her website

[frmeital]

Hi there... jennipurrr

The website that I have taken this article from is not mine...

I'm not trying to spam, just thought this was a good article. If I have offended you in any way, I'm sorry!:)

[reader99]

If you tell me what the "critical element" is without making me go to the website, I might have an opinion. As it is, it reads like a teaser ad more than like a post to start conversation.

[loosechickens]

Mod Hat On:

Frmeital, we appreciate your interest in posting things you find interesting. However, it IS against forum guidelines to use the forums to drive traffic to your website, etc., so while we do allow signature lines to members' individual blogs, if it appears that the person is using the forums for their own gain, i.e. driving traffic to a website, attempting to sell a product, etc., it isn't allowed. You have only posted a few times, so may be unaware of this, but this thread has the "sound" of an inappropriate posting, which is why members are reacting as they are to it. If this is not your intention, this should explain the reaction of others to this thread.

So.......just be careful about motivation, intention, etc. We welcome new members and are always interested in folks posting things they find interesting, but there is a line, and we all have to be careful not to cross it.

Perhaps you could simply post the information here, without requiring folks to click through to your website. That would help.

Lots of times difficulties arise because people have an imperfect understanding of what posts are appropriate and which are not. So, with this advice, perhaps you can differentiate between what would be useful to post here, and what would cross the line. If the intent is simply to share information, no need to drive traffic to a website. Which is not appropriate.

Thanks for your cooperation.

[jennipurrr]

The critical element appears to be a book that costs $197. I still think this is spam, sorry. If you guys want to have a conversation about strengthening marriages then I am all in, but I would like to hear frmeital's personal opinions on this topic not be led to a website to buy a (super unsimple priced) book!

[reader99]

Wow, $197. And not even a "real" book available on Amazon. My scam alert went off at the layout and formatting on the website. I also didn't see any ideas that were especially original or interesting.

Now, as someone who has been divorced a time or two, I;d have to say that the main thing to saving a rocky marriage isthat both people need to WANT to save it. If one has already emotionally abandoned ship, it's pretty much over.

[leslieann]

I'll go along with reader99. And jennipurr...a good discussion on this topic might be interesting.

So...if both people WANT to save it, then what? What has worked for you? My marriage disintegrated because I waited far too long to start doing anything about anything. I had gotten to a point where I couldn't see any way that things could possibly work but I realize now (long time later and a lot of therapy completed) that I didn't take responsibility for saying that things were NOT OKAY the way that they were. Instead, I waited until things were so NOT OKAY that I couldn't see any hope and then said that I wanted out.

Hope it is clear that I am NOT recommending that as a way to save a marriage. Just wondered if it might get some conversation going...

[reader99]

Leslieann - early intervention really is important, It's easy to let things slide and focus on the every day tasks and roles and not get around to protesting until the negativity is so entrenched it's that much harder to do anything about it.

[Mrs-M]

Initially, as of this morning, when this topic was first posted, I replied with an entry, but chose to delete it afterwards, however, after seeing everyone's responses, I'm back again to join in on the conversation.

Three things I'm seeing today related to marriages (detrimental things), is far too many people take their marriages for granted, way too many couples put their own personal lives and careers ahead of (first), before the marriage, and a lot of people are getting married for all the wrong reasons, and in addition to all that, many couples involved have little to nothing in common with one another. All critical mixes and factors with failure anchored to them...

I read the article and it does touch on a number of things I view as being beneficial to improved and better relationships/marriages, but a majority of the time, when marriages begin to crumble, couples involved wait too long to act. The old, "too little, too late" scenario.

In my experience (watching and observing struggling couples in relationships/marriages), once that fateful point of no return has been reached, no amount of counselling or fresh ideas related to creating spark and fire seem to penetrate.

[redfox]

I love Dr. John Gottman's research in this area! Ask the Google about it... Check out his website! Marriage for me has been the container within which I have been more challenged than in any other relationship, and in our 15th year, I am still understanding how to be a good partner. I imagine it will take a lifetime!

[RosieTR]

I think one key is saying Thank You a lot, even for small things, even for things the person "should" be doing and not saying it sarcastically.

[Zoebird]

i agree with Mrs M et al that it's really about speaking up early and working on it, rather than getting caught and resentment building up too high.

i worked really hard on this aspect this week. it's been a struggle. but i think we are moving to a new stage of our relationship that is much healthier.

i'm giving up codependency, and DH is giving up projecting his anger/etc onto me.

[Zoebird]

and i'm with redfox, too.

for me (and i dare say 'us'), relationship is a healing discipline.

[iris lily]

I guess that I am basically pretty lazy and very independent, because if this marriage thing was really a lot of "work" I 'd have bailed a long time ago. I will say that DH probably "puts up" with more crap from me than I put up with from him, but also, he's the one who wanted to get married.

[Zoebird]

i would say that, for me, a lot of our marriage was not work, because we were in a dynamic where each of our needs got met, and when it became clear that the dynamic wasn't going to work anymore, or be healthy for one (and really both of us), we had to work -- on ourselves and as a couple working together.

so, it is work, but it's also ok because it's what we want in the end.

[Mrs-M]

Whether it be marriages, friendships, relationships, all need a balance of give and take to thrive and stay healthy.

[jp1]

I guess I fall into the Iris Lily camp on this one. Any relationship that requires too much "work" isn't one that I want to be part of. Whenever something pisses me off my natural tendency is to lash out at whoever is around, which is most often SO. I've worked hard over the last several years to stop that. No one enjoys being snapped at, so I've gotten much better at not snapping at SO unless he's done whatever has caused me to be pissed off, which is not very often. So I guess now that I think about it I have done a fair amount of work, but it's more work in adjusting my reactions to people generally, not just work on my relationship with him specifically.

I've also gotten good at figuring out what kind of mood SO is in and dealing with him accordingly. For instance, when he gets home from work I can tell how his day was based on how he says hello to the cats. If he's all gregarious with them "HI BOYS! DADDY'S HOME!" I know it was a good day. if he just gives them an annoyed-sounding "hi boys" it was a mediocre day and if he ignores them completely then I know to stay in the den for a little while because it was a total crap day for him and he needs to decompress before interacting with me.

[madgeylou]

in my relationship, the thing that i think keeps us so strong together is the fact that we each take responsibility for our own selves.

like, if my man is in a terrible mood, he doesn't take it out on me -- he removes himself until he feels better. of course it's no fun being around someone in a bad mood, but i've learned that it's not about me, and i don't take it personally or demand that he snap out of it and be sweet to me when he doesn't feel like being sweet. i just leave him alone until he works it out.

same thing on my side -- when i'm hurting or in a bad emotional place, i try my best not to take it out on him. i know that when i'm like that, i get annoyed very easily by stupid little stuff, but i make the decision NOT to pick a fight about it. i take responsibility for my own emotional state. if i need help, i ask for it ... but i don't use him as a punching bag to work out my stuff.

we view our partnership as something we are building together, and when there's a piece that's constructed in a way one of us doesn't like, we talk about how to do it differently. it's not about pointing fingers about "you should do this" or "you never do that." i see soooo many couples who struggle because they focus on improving their partner instead of improving themselves.

no one is closer to their partner than i am ... but fundamentally, we are each alone in this world, and no one can take responsibility for my actions and my mental state but me. we can and do help and support each other, but the person i am is up to me, and the same is true for him.

this keeps us from pointing fingers at anyone other than ourselves when we find ourselves in situations we don't like.

[puglogic]

The thing that probably keeps our marriage healthy is this: We treat each other as we would treat strangers.

Sounds weird, huh? But think about the things that many married partners foist on each other because marriage gives you the "right," or because you've been together so long you take each other for granted. Would you take pleasure in telling a stranger or your boss or your best friend that their way of doing something is wrong and yours is right, and here's why? Would you feel you had the right to yell at a total stranger just because you'd had a bad day? Expect someone to be nice to you even if you aren't nice to them? Pick fights because you have self-esteem issues? Criticize them in front of family/friends? So many things I see some married people do, and I just think to myself, "If I were treated like that by my spouse, I would've been gone in a day."

My husband and I are polite to each other, and kind. I hold the door open when he needs it. We let each other know when we're going to be late, so no one worries. He doesn't leave messes and expect me to clean up after him. And I always think, when we're in a difficult spot, "How would I behave right now if I were talking to someone who WASN'T my husband"? It helps - we respect each other as friends and partners, perfectly capable of functioning without the other, but wanting the benefits of the partnership. Works for us, at least.

[madgeylou]

i like that, pug. politeness is definitely underrated in long-term relationships. i have to say that, given the choice between someone being "authentic" and expressing every thought/emotion that comes to mind, or being "polite" and expressing only what's positive/supportive/necessary, i would go with polite every single time.

[Zoebird]

yeah, i agree it's about taking responsibility for yourself, and that -- imo -- takes work. it does, often, take a lot of work for me to identify and work through some gar-bage in my brain (reactions, personality, whatever). And, DH and I are in a dynamic with each other -- some healthy, and some unhealthy. When we are in an unhealthy dynamic together, we can actually work together to get out of that dynamic.

it takes effort and work, and each one taking responsibility for their part, and holding each other accountable when we are falling back into the negative pattern, but it's "good work" and nothing that I would consider an undue hardship.

and, it is actually fun to discover and work through things too. so long as you do it in a timely fashion, before either party looses hope over it or whatever.

[razz]

Zoebird raised a point. Is it work or team work? If you have a joint goal of creating a comfortable home when courtesy and respect are important values, to call it work casts a negative light on the effort. If one shares the goal and there is a joint striving toward that goal, it is teamwork and that is marriage, IMHO anyway.

Is it work to work to pay off debt in order to do the shared dreams or team work to a joint goal?

[ke3]

Wait, I just skimmed the thread, and still don't see what that one surprising thing is that saves the marriage, and I don't want to read the article. Can someone just name it?

[Zoebird]

i haven't read the article, and the OP hasn't named it, assuming s/he knows.

so, we decided to postulate our own theories.

and razz, i often liken it to "doubles tennis." you play against each other to practice, and you play with each other when playing against other teams. and you practice on your own as well. it's all fun, but it's also effort or "work." and that's ok. :)