Drifting apart from a friend

[HappyHiker]

Have you ever felt a growing distance from a friend for no particular reason? Maybe it's because you don't relate on a deeper level other than a rather superficial one. I'm there with a friend of mine. There's nothing particular I can point my finger at, but I'm finding I just don't enjoy my time with her and making conversation has become like wading through mud.

She mostly wants to talk about her recent purchases, house remodeling project, or latest cruise vacation...I'd prefer discussing...well, pretty much anything else, such as books, world events...or maybe I'm jealous? She's a spender, an uber-consumer. Me, it's more living in my head and not through possessions.

How do you end a blah friendship...just sort of drift, or with honesty? And frankly, I cannot think of how to express what I feel without hurting her feelings, and I'd not want to do that for the world. But yet, time is too precious to spend with someone who depletes you rather than enriches...

What have you done in a similar situation?

[Jemima]

I haven't got any solutions, but I'm going through the same thing, if company helps your misery at all.

My long-time friend is several states away and loves to both write and receive letters. We met at a meeting of the Libertarian Party in Illinois in the late seventies or early eighties and seemed to have a lot in common at the time, but now she's boring me to death with her focus on politics and money. At first I thought it was my fault because I'm not nearly as politically active as she (and couldn't be at the time she started harping on this stuff because I worked full time and she has been retired for several years), or maybe because I disagreed with her, but it seems that even her political interests center around how different laws and political candidates relate to her personal finances. Her focus on money, money, and more money is really getting to me. Several times while I was still working she sent me petitions to circulate regarding causes I didn't even believe in and didn't seem to understand that I didn't have enough free time as it was, nor could I circulate them at work as a state civil servant.

Now she's knocking the OWS movement, which I happen to support whole-heartedly. (If I weren't so sick with hay fever, I'd be joining the group that's demonstrating at City Hall in Philadelphia.) Even though we're only separated by two years in age with her being the older, I feel like I'm trying to communicate with a crabby ninety-year-old who's fully set in her ways.

It really is a dilemma, and I'll be following this thread in hopes that some relatively painless solutions will be posted.

[Stacy]

I'm going through a similiar situation, and it's hard, because she's a nice person. But we have nothing in common anymore, and when we talk, it's all about her. When I mention something from my own life, she acts like it's the dumbest thing in the world. Okay, maybe she isn't that nice after all.
I've been just trying to drift away. When we see each other, I'm friendly, but a little on the distant side. Even though I do talk to her sometimes, I rarely go make plans with her anymore. She's got other friends whose interests are the same as hers (I barely know these friends) and I figure she'll be just fine without me. Okay, maybe this is the coward's way out, but I'd rather not create drama where there is none.

[Lainey]

What about saying you need to take a long break from socializing because you have to focus on a) a major home project b) your sick parent c) your sick dog d) your etc. And then, you just don't reconnect. It's not the brutally honest way, but maybe passive is better?

Of course, if you're posting on Facebook during this "break" about all of the wonderful fun stuff you're doing, then the truth will out and this plan won't work for you.

[Karma]

I would tell this person the truth, be nice about it but tell her that your relationship just isn't working for you anymore and you need a break. I have bee on the receiving end of getting dumped without explanation and it hurt wondering what happened. I would have rather had the truth.

That being said I am stuck in a friendship that drives me nuts but I don't have guts to do anything about it.

[Marianne]

I've ended friendships with 'friends' that weren't really friends. Sometimes you just outgrow friends, IMO. Don't feel guilty about that, you can still be friends, just not close ones.
Other times the relationships are just so toxic you have to bolt - the 'it's all about me' types, or 'let me take advantage of you, over and over'. I took the kinder, more cowardly way of just slowly pulling back, not being available, not calling, etc.

Karma, I appreciate what you posted, about wondering what happened. I had one 'friend' that asked me that. She was shocked when I told her that the BS level was too high for me to handle anymore. That set off a string of denials, explanations, more lying, etc. and I think more hurt feelings. I guess it depends on what the relationship was to begin with...?

[goldensmom]

I've never ended a friendship, just drifted. People grow in different directions, interests change, locations change, etc.. I enjoy meeting new people and making new friendships as I enjoy the memories of the old, no more friendships. I subscribe to 'there is a time and a season' for some things in life, including friendships. Sometimes people come into our life for a reason, for a season and then move on.

I don't know how I would end a friendship as that situation has never occurred. I might do a 'this isn't working' chat but more likely would try and 'drift'.

[Float On]

I've ended friendships and I've just drifted away. Personally just drifting away is a bit easier because somehow there are less hurt feelings.

[HappyHiker]

Thanks...seems many of us are "drifters" rather than confrontational...

We had been doing Thanksgiving together with our spouses for several years running, but this year we've accepted another invitation. This will be the first of the drift...I'm going to tell her (if and when it's brought up) that this other person invited us last year but we didn't accept as we'd already made plans with the soon-to-be drifted away from friend, but said we'd do it this year instead..that should not hurt her too much, I hope...and, it's the truth.

For all I know, she may find our friendship has grown tired, too, and be relieved...

Funny if she were posting the same question on another board. Doubt she'd be here, being a major consumer and power-shopper.

[ctg492]

I do not know in my adult life if I ever "ended" a friendship, but sure have drifted away from many sadly. I attribute it (oh here I go again) to my moving. I have one friend I met living next door to 4 years ago, no longer neighbors now, but in heart we will always be. I will always treasure my visits or conversations with. Other then her, I fully know when I move chances are I will not see those people that I did whatever with more the a time or two again. The emails stop sooner or later.

[Float On]

For all I know, she may find our friendship has grown tired, too, and be relieved...

Funny if she were posting the same question on another board. Doubt she'd be here, being a major consumer and power-shopper.

I actually had that happen once. I was posting on a frugal board about a friendship I wanted to end and was trying to drift away from. I lurked on a reading forum to see if she was saying anything and sure enough she posted asking what to do about a friend who seemed to be moving away from the friendship. Thankfully she got some good advice to be thankful for what the friendship was when it was good and to allow it to fade.

[Charity]

I'm so glad I read this thread. I feel so glad I'm not alone. I recently ended a long friendship. Over the years the friendship became all about her.

She has a job in the city 140 miles away and stays with her daughter there and I'd see her when she came back on weekends. This job puts her in personal contact with major celebrities and I think it fundamentally changed her. As time went on we couldn't go anywhere without her cell phone front and center taking calls from work. Or she'd be talking about work and how stressed out she was. Although she never failed to take a call from from work or her married ex-boyfriend she talked to daily, I virtually never had my calls answered. I went to right to voice mail. Every visit became all about when she could tear herself away.

We took a trip together earlier this year to visit her parents even though I kept saying I couldn't go. I was planning my daughter's wedding and couldn't spare the money or the time off from work. She refused to take no for an answer and bought me a plane ticket for Christmas. Things occured on this trip that really opened my eyes. Things like she didn't rent a car as promised because her credit cards were maxed out and she forgot to renew her driver's license. So we couldn't go anywhere her elderly parents couldn't drive us to. She actually told her parents I was going to make a huge dinner for them and all their friends in their tiny trailer home without ever asking me if I wanted to. Thankfully they declined the offer.

I found myself dreading her weekend visits because she'd never tell me when she was showing up. She'd call when she was on the road and say "I'm on my way". I could never plan my time. On three occasions I talked to her about it. She'd just tell me I was wrong.

I finally flat out ended the friendship. I'm not sorry I did. If anything I'm sorry I didn't just confront it sooner instead of feeling simmering anger and dread for so long. I feel totally liberated. I realize that I haven't enjoyed this friendship for a long time. I have lots of terrific friends who show up when we make plans. I respect their time and they respect mine, even if I'm not Oprah, Russel Crowe or the Situation. So my advice is that drifting probably isn't doing much for you. If you feel strongly enough about it to post it here, you should probably do yourself the favor and set yourself free.

[daisy]

I have one of those friends and I've tried both the drift away and the "break up" method, but somehow I just can't shake her. We have finally settled into a mostly Facebook relationship, which probably doesn't meet her expectations, but is all I can handle with her.

[kitten]

It sounds like your values and your friend's values are opposite, and you're in a place where you want to be around people who share these things with you. It is hard to let go, especially if that person hasn't really done anything wrong.

The older I get, the less I seem to get out of my relationships with other people. I'm connected to my husband, but everyone else can go hang. I just don't have time for people's crap anymore.

I once ended a friendship because every time I had lunch with this one woman, let's call her Violet, she was in a bad mood. She had a pretty shiny life - a gorgeous husband who adored her, a sweet mother, a fabulous brother who was her best friend, and she had a pretty good job. But every time I was with her, she was just miserable. And she would take it out on me. We met for lunch near my workplace once, and I messed up and took her the wrong way. We had to walk about an extra block, and it was warm out, and she just gave me SUCH CRAP for making her go a few steps out of her way. And then she spent the entire lunch bellyaching about her mother, who was such an adorable person. And complaining about her husband. I'll never forget a birthday party she invited me to. It was Violet's birthday. Her graphic designer husband presented her with this giant framed artwork that he'd made himself. She just unwrapped it, stared at it, and said nothing. Didn't look at him, didn't thank him, didn't kiss him. She changed the subject, started talking about something else to one of the other women there. I was just aghast. I mean her behavior to this guy, who worshipped the ground she walked on, was so cringemaking that it was hard to be around.

And that day at lunch, something snapped. I'm thinking, why the hell am I doing this again? There are so many positive, creative ways to spend my time.

That was the last time I saw her. She contacted me a couple of years ago by email, wanting to have lunch again! I ducked out of it. I go back and forth about how much you need to tell people about why you're rejecting them. It could be a learning experience for her, maybe, but it's also possible that it would just hurt her. I don't know how much she's capable of learning anything about herself.

Gosh I sound like a b!tch on wheels! I'm a nice person most of the time, honest!

But every time someone asks me for any kind of social commitment of any kind these days, I'm thinking: What am I getting out of this? Maybe it sounds cold, but I don't have time to waste anymore. I really am busy. I know that if I were balanced, I'd have more friends. That may or may not be something I need to work on. I'm in a place where I'm feeling that most people suck and they waste my time.

OTOH, I met a super charming guy at a gay Halloween party the other day who just lifted my spirits. He had this pure gaze, and something about his expression just made me feel better. We only exchanged a few words, but I thought he was one of the most charming people I'd ever met.

If we were to sit down together and actually have a conversation, I'm not sure what we'd talk about - although we discovered that we both like classical music. It's not really about common interests. He just struck me as a person who would be worth getting to know. But I'm such a clutz, I wouldn't know how to go about it. Our social circles are different - he's a gay guy married to another guy, I'm a married straight girl whose husband tends not to enjoy the people I end up connecting with. We live in different towns, don't work at the same place. So I'll probably never develop a friendship with this man.

But I like to think I'm still capable of friendship. It's just that a lot of externals would have to fall into place. Still working on that - I want to stay open to it! :)

[KayLR]

Kitten---your post really resonates with me. I've had sour experience with friendship, too, and sometimes wonder if I'm still capable of forming them. But, here, after reading this I think, "Hey, she'd be a cool friend, I bet."

[lizii]

.

[goldensmom]

While on face book last night, I was thinking about people I haven’t seen for a long time and came up with an example of a friendship for a season. A co-worker and I shared a similar situation at work and became very close during and outside of the workplace. There was absolutely nothing negative about the relationship but as circumstances changed and as our lives took different paths we have drifted apart. We are both okay with it. Thinking about it, I’ve had many of these relationships in my lifetime and really, really appreciate and value seasonal friendships.

[HappyHiker]

Yes, Kitten, your post makes a lot of sense. It's much that way with me.

As I value my private time and time with DH, and as I am also very content to be alone with a book, working in the yard, cooking, researching, writing--or here on this board, I do look for kindred spirits to be friends with.

As I grow older, and who knows,maybe a tad wiser, I tend to want to be with people who fulfill my laugh factor--how many times did we laugh during our time together versus how much time did we spend bit*hing? Problem solving is one thing, friends do that for one another, but your perpetually unhappy friend is an example of the never happy, draining friend.

Toxic people, people not on a spiritual path trying to move toward their higher self, those not loving nature, those without empathy for those less fortunate..those who spending time with is like walking through mud. Nope, not gonna do it any more.

My friendship list has been whittled down to about six tried and true, beloved friends. They're my tribe, my adopted family (in addition to DH, natch).

Life's much easier this way. And I have more energy for that which I care about...

[kitten]

KayLRZ - I think you'd be cool to know too!

I do enjoy the people on this board, too bad we don't all live in the same neighborhood :)

HappyHiker - the Laugh Factor! YESSS!!!

[Simplemind]

I ended a friendship a few years ago and it still pains me to this day. We were as close as close could be. We were friends in and out of work and often joked that one day we would end up living like Kate and Ali. We shared everything or so I thought. I can forgive almost everything but dishonesty. Addiction came between us both in and out of work. I left the door open in case things changed in the future but they have only gotten worse. I miss her every single day when I run across something that I know we would both laugh and talk about.
The other types of friends are a dime a dozen. I have one that I still straggle along. We were closer when we worked together but through the years we are down to emails and a dinner once or twice a year. She is as fascinating as ever but I have so little time between taking care of my parents, working and my own family. I don't want to drift but truth be told we drift a little each year. Friendships do take some effort but as many of you have stated, they should fill you up instead of drain you. I have always envied those with close female friends through thick and thin. I sorely miss mine but the thin got waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too thin.