Ill Coworker

[fidgiegirl]

A coworker of DH's and mine has recently had a stroke and has been in the hospital for over a week now. She is expected to recover fully, but isn't even forty and has two small children. She and her DH do not have family in the area. I keep thinking about her DH and kids. I heard a friend of hers is helping to take care of the kids, but I'm thinking, who is cleaning the house, or doing the laundry, or washing the dishes? The DH? I would like to be able to offer to do some of these things for them but not sure how. Someone suggested paying for a housecleaner instead and that it would be too weird to have someone clean your house that you are not close with. (We're work friends, but not close friends - I've never actually been to her house). This other person suggested meals. Then still others say, no, don't do meals, you don't know what people like/allergies/dietary restrictions/etc.

I don't know . . . anyone? Anyone been on the receiving end of this kind of situation? I never know how to help in these situations, so then end up doing nothing :|(, even though I know the family needs support . . .

[Kestra]

I had a work friend who had heart surgery recently - also with two kids and a husband. Once she was at home and I recovering I got her home email address from a co-worker. I prefer email since I hate the phone and with email you can respond whenever you like so I wouldn't be interrupting her. I offered a list of a few things I'd be willing to help with - walking her dog (since I knew she had a hyper one), cleaning her yard (it was fall and she gardens) or general cleaning. Just threw a few things out there. She said I could help her clean up the apples in her yard and I said I'd walk her dog too. I hadn't been to her house before either so she just let me know what times were ok and I showed up. We had a little chat - she was quite normal (probably different with a stroke) but just couldn't do that much physically yet. I helped her with the apples and kind of felt like I was making her work too since she found me bags and such. Then I walked her dog so she got some time without barking. Walked the dog for close to an hour (longer than I'd walk my dog).
I only helped the one time since things seemed under control and she had other people to help out too. I really don't feel like I helped out that much but I think she appreciated the gesture. I think loneliness was the biggest thing since she was used to adult company while working and being at home for 6-8 weeks just with two kids was hard.
I couldn't really offer to cook since I don't know how to cook meat, but I could have cooked at her house with supervision. Just hard to say what the line is between helping and being a nuisance since everyone has their own way of doing things. I think the casual approach worked well with just offering random suggestions.

[flowerseverywhere]

I love the e-mail idea. You can also call the husband and ask what would be most helpful. Meals? Money for housecleaning or child care? If he says money then go ahead and take up a collection at work and say why you are doing so. If he says meals then find out if there are any allergies and send some food over. Tell your co-workers what you find out.

Also, I agree that after such a major event just calling her or visiting to talk to her might be the biggest help. when you have a major life change depression can quickly set in if you think no-one cares.

I had a recent event happen- a fellow person in a craft guild had a fall and subsequent surgeries and hospitalization. I called, then showed up with a veggie- beef soup, which went over great. I think most of all she liked the human contact as she is months away from driving and getting back to her normal life.

[Simplemind]

Fidgie sometimes it is hard to think of what to do and then as you said, people talk themselves out of doing anything. first take that awkard step of calling and saying that you want to help. You could then ask about food favorites or restrictions. If you are worried about cooking then there is always grocery shopping and errands. Everybody needs staples. There are gift certificates for local restaraunts with luck some will deliver. If the friend that is watching the kids is closer, maybe you could give her a break, watch the kids and she could help with some of the housework. Maybe she will need rides to physical therapy.
Often the person who is recovering has a hard time articulating what is needed but they spouse might be able to offer several suggestions.

[Float On]

It's simple, Call and ask.
We've provided meals, childcare, housecleaning, catching up on laundry, grocery shopping, and just sitting with the patient while the spouce got a few hours rest.

[fidgiegirl]

Thanks, all. I did find out her mom came into town, so that's good for the kids to have Grandma.

I contacted her direct coworker and they are working on putting something together. Funny thing is that when I put this out and a message to this other coworker of mine, I got an e-mail from my friend! She is super conscientious about work and was trying to cancel and appointment since she wouldn't be there. Oh well, I guess you have to know her to get a smile out of that. But basically, I see it as only a good thing that she was able to send an e-mail. I did shoot her some love back and some offers to help. I don't expect to hear back, really, but at least her other coworker will involve us in whatever they put together.

[iris lily]

I would think that meals are always appreciated. It's easy to find out if they are vegetarian (mutual freinds would know that) and the other stuff isn't very important, I'd thin. I always take meat loaf meals and noodle meals.

[RosieTR]

I agree that asking would be best. When my FIL died some friends sent over fried chicken...which MIL was also planning to have served at the memorial (b/c it was one of his favorites). Unfortunately it was not one of her favorites so she was very done with any kind of chicken after all that. And when my close friend's mom died, they had so much food I think a fair bit got thrown out because they either couldn't eat it fast enough or at all (dietary issues or just preferences). Whereas they may have needed someone to drive Grandma to and from various places or loan a car for out-of-town relatives. Other times, people are private and would feel weird with a cleaning person or random coworkers just showing up. Glad to hear there's someone who is a close friend coordinating and hope the coworker gets better.

[larknm]

Asking can be tricky because the person or partner may not know what you're willing to do, or what's appropriate to ask for. When I was in this situation, two friences came to the hospital and observed what I needed (eg a steno size notepad to write down things I needed to ask drs or things they told me). When I got home, one would call awhilte before mealtime and ask if I'd like some soup from The Bistro and if I said yes, she'd bring some for her and me. The one with the steno pad went right out and got it for me within about 30 minutes, and a pen. When she visited me at home, she asked what would I like someone to do for me if I could have anything, and I said, that shelf moved by me, put the phone on it and a few other things I needed (I couldn't walk independently). Then she offered to take my injured dog walking twice a week.

Quakers often have lists of what you can do for people who need help. You can call your local Quaker meeting house and ask them--am a Quaker and we are big into this. Manhy of us have lots of experience, and the one thing I've noticed that's consistent is the person comes to your (injured/sick) person's house, even unannounced.