Mom sick, travel anxiety, eek!

[Gardenarian]

My mother has been in declining health for a long time, and after speaking to her yesterday I made a split-second decision to go visit her. She lives on the East coast, 3000 miles away.

We have never been close and I'm going out of a sense of duty. I am feeling a lot of anxiety about this trip. I'll be leaving in a couple of days.

My brother, who lives near by, is fairly hostile to me, and will indulge in juvenile behavior such as waking me up at 5 am (2 am my time) and bringing up embarassing incidents from my adolescence.

Any advice on how to rid myself of this tension? I'm feeling tightness in my chest, and like there is a board between my shoulders. I tried making a list of all the things I was worried about but it started getting so long that I was more worried!

:help:

[CathyA]

(((((hugs)))))

Keep your focus on why you're going. Perhaps it will be the last time you see her? Maybe to resolve a few issues? Maybe a reminder of why you aren't close with her? I "divorced" my mother about 20 years ago. I hadn't talked with or seen her for over 13 years, when the police called one night and said she was pulled over, driving erratically, being very confused far from her home. I absolutely hated having to suddenly be around her. I had to find her a nursing home and clean out her house. I just hated it. But I sort of turned my mind off, and did what I had to do. Quit writing down all the things that you're worried about and write down 1 or 2 things you're going to focus on. Try not to let either your mom or brother push your buttons. You have the life you want far away from them. View this visit as strictly to assess what's going on with your mom and maybe seeing her for the last time.
And remind yourself often that you'll be back home soon.
I think that even though you're really dreading going, its something you feel you really need to do and no matter how it goes, you'll be glad you did it. Good luck! I'll be thinking of you!

[goldensmom]

I agree with CathyA, keep your focus on the reason you are going and know that you are doing the right thing. Be the adult, let your brother's behavior be his problem and remind yourself that the visit has an end date. Toss the list of things to worry about and make a list of things you are grateful for. Travel safely.

[flowerseverywhere]

You cannot change your brothers behavior, but you can change yours. Turn your phone off at night, or get a prepaid cell whose number you give to your kids or someone who absolutely needs to reach you if necessary. What can't wait until morning?

If your brother starts bringing up embarrassing incidents you have several choices. You can ignore him. Say "that was silly, wasn't it." Or ask him why he is bringing that up. Or say "I am here for mom so is there anything helpful you have to say? I don't think I would get into a hassle but if it might help you maybe that is what you need to do.

Keep your focus on why you need to go. When my mom got sick I pulled my kids out of school and went to visit her. I have no regrets. The eventually found out she had a congenital medical condition and she lasted a very short time. So I felt that I did the right thing.

One thing I would recommend is to make sure that you pay particular attention to eating right, getting exercise and sleep. Because you are an important and good person and deserve to be treated with kindness, love and respect.

[Geila]

(((gardenarian)))

Sorry that you're feeling so stressed and anxious at seeing your family. I've found guided meditation and imagery to be very helpful for dealing with anxiety and stress.

Here's a link to a Kaiser website that offers it for free. I download tapes to my ipod and listen to them whenever I feel the need to connect with myself. There's quite a few so you might have to try out several until you find one that clicks for you. Hope it helps. Best of luck on your trip.

https://members.kaiserpermanente.org/redirects/listen/?kp_shortcut_referrer=kp.org/listen

p.s. I saw that you're feeling tightness in your chest. You might like the tape for panic and anxiety. Whenever I'm feeling really anxious I listen to that and it calms me down pretty quickly.

[Float On]

I think I'd rehearse a statement to say to the brother the first time he says something and then follow through with what your plan of action will be towards him, that will let him know that you acknowledge the problem and have made a rational decision and whatever happens after that is completely on him.
Something like...... "Brother, I am here for mom, whatever anger and frustrations you have with me I would like for you to put aside for 3 months. Think about it, organize your thoughts and feelings and please call me in 3 months. If you persist while I am here dealing with mom I will have to ignore your calls. It's up to you but I would like us to be able to work as adults while dealing with mom's situation."

[Mrs-M]

As difficult and challenging as it may be, try putting any/all tension you have off to the side and concentrate on the soul purpose behind your trip. To visit your mom. Make it a good trip for both you and your mom, Gardenarian. Make your time together count for everything and trump everything.

[Gardenarian]

Thank you all so much! I feel calmer just reading your replies. It helps so much to hear about your experiences and know that I am not alone and that you guys totally get what I am feeling. Yes, there is a lot of baggage here. I know I'll regret it if I don't go - but this I need to do. I am so blessed in so many ways, and that is what you are telling me and what I'm going to focus on. And when my brother comes over at 5 am with the leaf blower I'll just put in my earplugs.

And now I'm going to try downloading some of those tapes. I hope I can save them on my netbook - I have a feeling I'll be needing them A LOT.
((((hugs)))) back to you!

(I also have to add that I very rarely drink, but last night I had 1/2 glass of wine and it did help dissipate some of this nasty tight feeling. Not that I'd make a regular habit of it or anything :-)

[jp1]

Lots of good advice here. And since I actually like my family for the most part I don't know how much I can add, but I will point out one minor thing. At least when you're there, in the same time zone, your brother's immature 5am annoyances will be 3 hours closer to a normal wakeup time! :) But seriously, just keep focused on why you're there and what you hope to accomplish with your mom and you should get through it ok.

[Gardenarian]

Well, it turns out that it was the most uneventful trip I've ever had. Everything went like clockwork, I adjusted to the time easily, and the weather was beautiful (in Boston! in November!) My mother is in much worse condition than I expected and it is a very sad situation. She told me some things that were important for me to hear, and I did some work toward making my complicated sibling relationships a little easier.
And I said my good-byes in my heart.
She is back in the hospital today, perhaps for the last time. I'm very glad I went.
Thank you all so much!!

:thankyou:

[CathyA]

So glad to hear that Gardenarian! I'm glad you went and put some things to rest, in your heart.

[iris lily]

I am so glad to hear that, OP. Wonderful. Sad, but wonderful.

[razz]

Having now done this trip, when she does pass away, you will find that you will cope much better for having worked out so much of the emotional turmoil in advance.
I am really glad that you had the opportunity to actually talk with your mother and get important things covered that needed to be said.

Be at peace with yourself and your family in the days ahead.

[JaneV2.0]

I'm glad everything worked out just the way it needed to. My mother and I were often at odds--due to having very different personalities--but I was able to be there with her toward the end and we made our peace. At one point, she looked at me and asked "Why didn't we get along?" And really, there was no important reason we didn't.

[Anne Lee]

Good to hear! And good on you for going. Wishing you all the best as you and your family navigate this stage of life.