View Full Version : Manners lessons for children
I have been thinking that when I get back from our trips I may have a fun little manners class for some of my kid's friends. Most of the neighborhood kids are pretty well behaved and would probably enjoy learning some of the more official rules and practicing. A few of them would probably come to be part of the group and really, really need a lesson on what is and is not polite. ;) I'll confess my hope is that these couple of friends can learn, both from the lessons and the peer pressure of seeing their friends happily engaging in good manners, what is and isn't appropriate. I'm tired of those couple of kids setting the tone when they are around.
I am thinking of asking a young woman I know and two neighborhood grandmas for help. The young woman is universally admired by the kids. She's beautiful, poised well-mannered and friendly. The grandmothers both have impeccable manners, friendly, warm and polite with an air of elegance. They have had tea parties for the kids before and I thought that the final lesson could be a tea party where we practice fancy manners.
What kind of manners would you teach? I was thinking a mix of both classic stuff, like how to greet people, and modern manners, like when it is and isn't appropriate to be on your phone texting and when it is and isn't appropriate to be talking on your cell phone.
Float On
11-11-11, 10:10am
What a good idea!
Table manners (no elbows).
Mr/Mrs/Sir/Ma'am - speak with respect.
To ask questions and not look bored or put out when around adults.
To 'be present' - put the phone/game/ipad/ipod away and experience where you are and what you are doing and who you are with.
Oh boy, where to start. So many manners to be taught/learned... :)
Please/thank you.
How to conduct oneself in someone else's home/vehicle. (Sitting properly, not touching things/stuff, etc).
Carrying oneself in a grown-up fashion.
Returning a friendly smile/hello.
iris lily
11-11-11, 11:33am
So far very good and appropriate ideas! Don't overwhelm the kids with adult stuff, but I really like the suggestions as child-appropriate! And I like to hear "you are welcome" as a response to "thank you" or even a nod of "yes" rather than the current "No problem!" but that is a minor complaint.
I would try to make it more fun for the kids. Maybe a once a week informal (for you) type tea party where each week concentrate on a different manner type. (or all of them as this progresses) I'm with Iris, don't overwhelm them. You could also add things like the proper way to set a table, and fun ways to fold napkins. It's amazing what you can do with a square of cloth, and introduces them to using a cloth napkin. (including fun little centerpieces they can make)
I like the idea of including the other women. This just might become a fun thing for you all, kids and adults!
This is a super idea. Let us know how it goes.
Mighty Frugal
11-11-11, 12:45pm
I find so many people these days-kids and adults alike-tend to talk over people. Manners teach us to wait a couple of seconds after someone is finished speaking to ensure they are truly finished-not to just start talking before they are finished. I'd also teach not to interrupt people unless someone or something is on fire.
Don't speak with your mouth full-this is dangerous too
Open the door for people or at least look behind you to ensure there is not someone there that you will smash with a swinging door
Wait your turn
Smile when smiled at
Great idea Stella!
If you haven't already read the book, "What Do You Say, Dear" by Sesyle Joslin with your kids, this would be an ideal time. It is a hilarious reminder of manners.
Great ideas everyone! Rosemary I will check out that book. I think this is going to be fun too!
Centering around a meal would make it fun and give context.
I remember being taught with memory phrases:
Elbows off the table, Mabel
The 4 Bs - Break Bread Before Buttering
One thing I haven't heard in a quarter century is 'may I be excused' before leaving the table - does that even happen anymore?
One thing I haven't heard in a quarter century is 'may I be excused' before leaving the table - does that even happen anymore?
It does at my house! :)
One thing I haven't heard in a quarter century is 'may I be excused' before leaving the table - does that even happen anymore?
It does at my house plus they say "may I clear your plate as well".
I love this thread!
Rosemary, thanks for the book read suggestion.
i don't go in for the "sir/ma'am" stuff, but i still think we can be respectful without that. unless you use that with peers? Like, do you say to a coworker, 'excuse me, sir, may I borrow that pen for a moment?" usually, no, so why we put kids through this heirarchy is annoying to me.
but i'm pretty extreme in my manners all over the place.
leslieann
11-12-11, 2:47pm
The "sir" and "ma'am" thing is regional, I think. I know that my kids sounded downright rude when we moved from the DC area to Louisiana. They would politely say things like yes, please and no, thank you, but the local kids included a name or "ma'am" when they responded. We had to work on it...it was obvious anyway that we were from New England (originally) but I didn't want to perpetuate any "rude Yankee" stereotypes.
My point is that some things that are "manners" are really regionalisms; but the fundamental definition has something to do with making other people comfortable, and I am very happy with that as a goal.
Great idea, Stella, and I bet the kids love it. We have a standing joke here, one that maybe Canadian kids all know about but was new to me.....what would the Queen think if she were to come to dinner? We spent a fun time talking about what to do with our napkins when the Queen arrives (my DSD, 14, isn't all that thrilled with proper management of her napkin, mostly because it requires actually sitting on her backside rather then with legs tucked up....yet another item that said Queen might have an opinion about....) (( then again, if the Queen has an opinion about my grammar I am in trouble, too.....))
Enough parentheses...they are probably not mannerly.
Seems to me that manners are a learned behavior that happens over time, and in lessons. Kids live what they observe. Keep us posted, I am interested to hear what you come up with.
mtnlaurel
11-13-11, 7:38am
I share with my kids the Why of Manners and How manners help them now and later in life.
In a nutshell -- most people do not like to spend time with or do nice things for boorish pigs. (with the kids I spin that thought more in the positive light)
Here's my most used statement to my 3 yo - "I do not respond to demands, I respond to polite requests." or "How can you change what you've said (barked actually ;P ) to a polite request?".... and she's getting it.
When she does get it without prompting, she puffs up and declares, "I love using my good manners."
Re: Ma'am / Sir that's the way we are raising our kids, as that's the way my husband and I were raised. We're both from the South. For us, it's a sign of respect to elders and those in authority and I still use it to this day very often.
Miss Cellane
11-13-11, 8:36am
I would have a series of short classes, say 15 minutes, followed by a half hour snack break where they get to practice what they've learned that day.
1. General behavior. Things like inside vs. outside voices, not interrupting, saying "excuse me," holding doors open for other people, how to act when introduced to someone, saying "sir" and "ma'am" if that's done in your area (I think this is more common in the southern US), how to carry on a conversation (I use the example of a game of catch--if someone drops the ball, no one can play. So when someone says something to you, you have to catch that and toss it back by saying something in return), taking turns with games and playground equipment, not saying mean things about people, that sort of thing.
2. Table manners
3. Tech manners
And maybe 4. Party manners.
Perplexa
11-13-11, 10:57am
What a great idea! I love the suggestions for specific manners to teach and don't have much to add there. I had some comments on *how* to go about teaching manners, especially if any of the kids are reluctant. In our classroom (I'm a Montessori guide and I teach 6-9 year olds...kids this age can be RUDE), we often teach manners by demonstrating entirely the *wrong* thing to do. The kids think this is hilarious, and after we do it wrong, we have a discussion about it and they brainstorm better ways to do things. I wouldn't do this with an entire tea party or with anything where the appropriate manners aren't common sense (i.e. it won't have much of an impact if you use the wrong spoon to eat your salad, because they won't know the difference), but it works very well for things like greetings, listening, cleaning up messes, etc.
I really like the idea of combining "formal" manners (like how to behave at a tea party) that the kids may never use but will enjoy learning and everyday manners like how to greet someone and how to show you're listening. I may try this with my class!
The sir and ma'am thing. We didn't require our kids to tack that on every answer, but did teach them the proper usage and situation in which you would use it. Like towards a stranger in public....Excuse me sir, would you hand me that please? Excuse me ma'am, you dropped this. I use this myself towards anyone over 20 when I need to address a stranger. Obviously if I know them then I use their name, and when my kids were young I absolutely insisted they use the respectful title towards adults. Mr. or Mrs/Miss. I never liked kids calling adults by their first name and it bothered me when other adults would introduce me to kids using my first name, although I didn't say anything. But if the kid asked me my name I'd say Mrs.----. Now, some people can take that to ridiculous heights. I remember one neighborhood we lived in there was a woman, the mother of one of the kids playmates, who insisted WE ADULTS call her Mrs.--- Mind you, this girl was many years younger than I (I got a late start with my kids) She never really got friendly with any of the other mothers (I wonder why?) and of course we all made fun of her behind her back. :laff:
when i was a kid, we moved from CA to AR. in CA, it's considered "rude" or "sassy" to use sir/ma'am. my mother really struggled with whether or not we needed to adhere to that particular rule when we were in AR, and i remember the first time that I ever encountered it was away from my mother.
i was at a neighbor's and we were playing in the yard. her mother came out and asked if we wanted something to drink. I said "yes, please!" and she say "yes, what, please?" and I looked at her probably very confused, because she wanted "yes, ma'am, please." or some variation thereof. And I looked at her and said "yes, very much please?" and several other things as she kept repeating her "question" at me, and finally, exasperated, said "yes, ma'am, please." And I looked at her because i'd never heard anyone use ma'am in my life, and had no idea why it would fit into that context.
i was 9.
and i have always been well known for my manners. :D it is written all over all of my report cards until i moved to AR. LOL wherein, "disrespectful to adults" was often cited in response to the fact that I didn't use sir/ma'am, and had a real hard time getting into the habit of it. It was so bizarre for me. I couldn't figure out why "no, thank you." and "yes, please" and "excuse me" and so on were not enough.
And, besides, i felt that most of those adults didn't deserve any more respect than anyone else, and those who did, I would really treat deferentially.
You kinda have to earn my respect -- and always have. I'm rather egalitarian, too, so even if you DID, it doesn't mean that I would be sir or ma'aming. LOL
(i am also stubborn)
I would teach the proper use of a fork and knife for cutting food, switching the fork to the other hand, etc. My son never got the hang of that because the meals we have rarely require it. Even without a slab of meat, you could practice with pancakes or something like that
I think Perplexa's idea of adults demonstrating bad manners is a good idea and kids will get the point. One thing that would work well for that is teaching how to react when you don't like something (politely saying, "No, thank you" or just passing the serving dish rather than saying "Eww, yuck!" or making a face or describing in detail the allergic reaction you'll have if you eat that. Along with that could be nice things to say when you don't like something, like when Auntie says, "How do you like the casserole?" instead of saying, "It's gross" they can say "I've never had anything like this before" or "it's very colorful" or something polite and neutral.
Thanks for all of the great ideas! I asked some of the kids I know if they would be interested and they seemed to think it would be fun too. It's going to have to wait until after the holidays, but I think it could be a success.
My hope is that by having a good background in what is considered polite in various situations the kids might feel confident when those situations come up. I rememember feeling awkward sometimes when I was in a new situation and wasn't entirely sure what was expected of me.
I also think that because good manners focus on treating others with respect and being aware of their comfort, good manners can go a long way towards smoothing over and eliminating conflicts and bridging age gaps. Adults are more comfortable talking to well mannered kids and kids are more comfortable talking to adults who are comfortable around them. I think it can give them an edge in the future too for things like employment, interviews and maybe even dating.
Oh, can I say one more thing about the ma'am/sir thing. This really bugs the you-know-what out of me, but have you noticed lately, especially on 'certain conservative' tv 'news' stations, how they use 'sir' only when they don't like/believe/agree with their guest? Rather it's spat out in a way to BE disrespectful and this is the clue to their audience that this person is someone to NOT respect. This just gets me. All the good little conservative kids will grow up thinking you only use sir when you disrespect someone. How backwards is that?
that's how it's been used in CA for ages, which is why my mother had such issues with it. And, kids in AR "sassed" with it, too. she didn't see it as respectful at all.
and yes, it is bothersome. whether it's 'sir/ma'am' or the way someone says a name, or what have you.
When I was in high school, our guidance counselor offered a unit on manners. One thing he covered was how to properly shake someone's hand (firm and webby to webby--ha!). I can't tell you how helpful that has been. It has given me confidence when meeting new people and attending job interviews. Online manners--like not typing in all caps--might also be helpful. "Netiquette," so to speak.
What a great idea, Stella!
I. Using the conversational ball analogy---Encourage kids to lob back a positive ball that their conversational partner(CP) can work with.
CP: How was school today?
K: Fine.
CP: How was school today?
K: Great. We are doing a unit on the middle ages. Today we learned about how people mostly only ate local food in season. Also they didn’t have some foods we have today. I think I’d like all the soups and bread from the wood fired oven, but I think I’d really miss spaghetti and pizza. What do you think you would like most about eating back then?
CP: If I lived on the coast, I think I’d like going down to the docks several times a week for the variety of fresh fish. I think I’d miss pizza and bananas the most.
II.When the CP asks a question that could have many answers, as often as possible select a positive answer that builds up the community.
CP: What happened at school today?
K: Kelly tripped during PE and fell on her face. She looks really dumb with a bandaid on her nose.
CP: What happened at school today?
K: We did the quarter mile run test again today during PE. Sally’s been training at home on the treadmill for the past month and shaved 14 seconds off her best time. Kira’s been doing well too. The coach thinks she might set a new school record before the end of the year. Do you like to run?
CP: Sounds like your classmates’ hard work is paying off. Yes, I like to run. I’ve been looking for some different outdoor places to run. What are some of your classmates’ favorites?
III. Once they can do the positive response fairly well, then they can do more advanced responses such as selecting from among their available responses some of the topics that would be most interesting to their CP. Or if their CP is new to them trying to offer 2-3 responses that are likely to interest the CP based on what they know about other similar CPs.
I think when teaching manners(and morality), it is important to emphasize why we have the manners. What is the reason? It makes people feel good. Being rude makes people feel bad. Discuss different ways this is true and why and have kids give their own examples and reasons. Otherwise, it just starts to be so much adults doing the Charlie Brown adult voice over thing.
brilliant amaranth.
another component of teaching that method is about choice. a lot of kids answer "fine" because they want a measure of privacy. you can still politely engage (or disengage) while maintaining privacy.
an example:
How as school today?
It was good, but I really would just like some quiet now. Can we talk about it later?
---
as an introverted person, after school was necessary decompression time for me. a lot of questions from my parents or other care givers was tough, because i wanted to be polite and engage with them, but i was also exhausted from a full day of socialization. i had to learn to say "thank you for asking, but i really need a break right now." and about an hour or two later, I would talk about my day.
Zoebird, a good reminder about the interrogating style of questioning.
For me, a similar example is when people you don't see every day will come rushing up to you saying "hello, what's going on, what's up with you, what's new??" It makes me feel put on the spot to come up with something at least mildly interesting. If you simply reply "not much" it's like they're disappointed, like they were hoping to be amused or entertained and you didn't come through.
I don't mind an occasional "so how was your vacation?" or "do you have plans for the holiday?" but I think my point is that many people rely on others to provide their conversational starters "on demand" as it were. I prefer a simple "good to see you, we just came from the movies and saw [film title], have you seen it yet?" or "you're looking well, did you knit that scarf yourself?" or similar, more relaxing verbal interaction.
Am I sounding curmudgenly (sp?) ??
I think it would be interesting to teach kids how to behave in restaurants. After you teach them table manners at home take them on a field trip of sorts to a restaurant. The expectations of politeness when sitting around the family table differs from the restaurant experience because there are other unrelated people there with expectationd of their own. For instance what might be an ok speaking volume at home might interfere with the conversation going on at the next table when you're in a restaurant. How you speak to a server is something that kids need to be taught as well. Alot of kids have an image of snapping your fingers and yelling "Waiter" because it's what they've seen on a TV show. They might not make the connection that what's being portrayed is what you shouldn't do.
I think a lot of well meaning parents take their kids out to fine dining restaurants and expect them to just know how to behave. Kids get thrown into an unfamiliar situation without the tools they need to behave well which is unfair to them as well as the other diners in the restaurant. I think the tea party idea is great, but a restaurant lesson would be very useful as they are more likely to eat in a restaurant than attend a tea party. Actually, when I think about it, I've met a lot of adults that could benefit from such a lesson as well.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2025 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.