View Full Version : Internet lotharios...and me
This is embarrassing - I know I'm not handling this situation correctly, but again that's why I'm turning to the wisdom of this community (and I'm counting on your being gentle with me, lol)! So - I have a weird problem that by rights I shouldn't have. I'm way too mature for this kind of issue, and it's not even that big a problem. It's mostly a mental thing for me, something that's sapping me emotionally that really shouldn't be.
I know I'm not the only woman who exists online that gets propositioned by Internet players. I don't think there's anything about my Facebook page, for instance (which states I'm married btw), that is attracting these guys in any greater proportion than happens to others. But I've got some negative tapes in my head around this kind of thing from way back, and the self-hate is coming back to haunt me.
My parents condemned me for attracting creeps when I was younger, and I grew up believing that I had some kind of sign on my back that invited men (and other people) to victimize me on sight, emotionally, sexually and otherwise.
Nowadays, I think my parents were wrong about that - the world is full of wackos, and most of that crap wasn't my fault. Predatory nutjobs will try every door. I just didn't slam it shut again fast enough.
So recently I've been receiving messages on Facebook from a guy I knew only because we'd both posted art on the same site. I liked his art and was intrigued by his personality, and I was also flattered by his attention.
So - flattered by his attention - I hope you noticed that sentence, because I realize that's the crux of my problem. I didn't shut this guy down right away, because I was interested in the fact that he was interested in me. It made me feel desirable. This was the case even though I'm married, and really have no call to be flirting with guys, even harmlessly (they live far away, I'll never meet them) on the Internet or anywhere else.
When the guy stopped writing to me. I was crushed, and I've been down about it ever since. WHY should this bother me, though? What is WRONG with me?
And, because figuring out what makes people tick has always been a pursuit of mine - I'm obsessed with questions about these guys' motives. What do people like that get out of it? Why do these weird guys want to ensnare women from a distance, when it's all virtual? I mean, they're not even getting laid. Is it a power thing?
The whole dance that gets repeated over and again, being approached a lot with this kind of thing, and then being dropped like a hot brick, is so weird and exhausting. Just feeling self-hating, sad and weird around this whole thing.
I think that you being erroneously blamed for attracting these types when you were younger is definately what is clouding your judgement a little. First of all, the real problem here is that the internet has opened up a whole new avenue for people, male or female, to behave badly if they have a disposition to do so. Mostly because it is long distance and anonymous. It's not just frequent on your part.
While not on facebook, because for all the things you describe above I refuse to have a facebook page, I was caught up in a game of flattery by a married man who lived in my community. What started out with my email complimenting a column he wrote for our local paper turned into the very flattery by him that you describe. While I would respond to his emails on a professional basis, I was very careful never to return the kind of personal flattery he was directing at me. He was married and having had my marriage destroyed by infidelity, I never go there. Did it feel good. Yep. But feeling good can cause other people a world of hurt. There are other ways I can make myself feel better.
I'm single and have been for a long time. Flattery and attention that makes us feel like a woman is a very powerful drug. It's very easy to sucumb to that when you don't feel particularly appreciated at the moment. I guess I've learned to look at this way. Cocaine is a powerful drug too and I resist that. So are painkiller or heroin and I resist that. I can certainly resist flattery. Instead of feeling sad about turning it away, you should turn it into a positive by giving yourself credit for not sucumbing.
What is WRONG with me?
I totally agree with what Charity says....but also, what you say in the above quote really stood out to me. Maybe part of what bothers you is that lingering question, "what is wrong with me?" Your parents criticized you, you've been treated poorly in the past, and now you're feeling rotten. No wonder.
I would absolutely look for the positives in this. You dodged a bullet. You've remained true to your spouse. You've learned something. And you CAN get past it.
You've remained true to your spouse.
Well, not to put too fine a point on it, if a person is flirting with someone else to the point that they are emotionally invested enough to be "crushed" and "down" when the flirtation ends (and the pre-edit version of the post suggested some non-innocent flirtation...), they have crossed the line of being "true" to their spouse in some important sense.
Bae, I agree with that too. In reality, there is no such thing as harmless flirtation when one or both of your are married because it often leads to non-harmless flirtation. And while it may not harm you, it will definately harm the spouse.
Several months ago I had this conversation with someone who used to be my best friend so this subject stikes a cord with me. We used to go on vacation together sharing a room and over a three year period I wondered who would call her every morning at 6:30 or 7:00am. She'd always take the call, even if she just came out of a dead sleep. Quiet, giggly conversation ensued. I finally asked her if she had a boyfriend and she told me it was just an exboyfriend whom she remained friends with who lived several states away. I happened to know from our conversations that this exboyfriend was engaged and then married and the calls continued.
About a year ago she told me she no longer talked to him and was hurt, mad and crushed that he called her and said he couldn't talk to her anymore. It seems his wife finally found out these daily calls were occuring as soon as he went out the door for work. She wanted it stopped and made him get on the phone and tell her it wasn't going to continue. My friend felt betrayed and that this man's wife was insecure and needy and he should have stood up to her and he deserved better than her. She wanted me to agree by saying I wouldn't be so petty and insecure because I would have enough faith in my spouse to let him have female friends. I did not agree. I asked her if she had ever befriended his wife if they were good enough friends to talk every day. She hadn't. I told her that said it all. In hindsight, that was the beginning of the end of our friendship. She didn't like my answer much. Last I heard his wife had left him and he was trying to fix it. I guess it wasn't such harmless flirting after all.
I'm not trying to be judgemental, and I remained her friend until she slowly froze me out. But I think we all need to stop candy coating emotional cheating. I also think it's best to avoid avenues for this sort of thing. Hence my refusal to have a facebook page. Having been single for so long I know I'd be an easy emotional target if engaged in on line flirting. Why go there.
Feeling like you still have "it" is powerful for a woman, especially if you've never experienced much of that particular form of social power - and make no mistake, it feels like power even though it isn't. Not really.
I suppose men still like feeling they can pursue and get a woman too, even if they don't really want her. I don't know, I'm not a man.
Anyway, what's done is done. I suspect that you aren't really missing the guy as much as you are the attention. This may be a sign that your marriage needs a little TLC. Or maybe you need to ratchet up the self respect some. Honestly, some guys really do have a 6th sense that can suss out and play a woman's vulnerabilities. (For the record, women do this too, probably more than men, though I have no data to support that).
I'm just amazed that strangers are reaching out to you on Facebook. That has never happened to me. But I have my privacy settings set pretty high. If you really don't want to be approached, there are ways to handle that. And there's no law that says if someone writes you, that you have to write back.
fidgiegirl
11-28-11, 8:02pm
And there's no law that says if someone writes you, that you have to write back.
Yes, if I recall, this was also an issue with the unwanted attention from the gentleman through your radio station. Cut 'em off. I am sorry you are feeling icky about this. It is one of the chief reasons I love being married - no more of that "dumped" feeling, only love and acceptance and always feeling desired. I, like Anne Lee, wonder if there is some repair or strengthening of that relationship that needs to be done. Hard to give feedback without sounding judgmental, so hopefully you take the message with the care it is mean to carry.
iris lily
11-28-11, 9:59pm
...And, because figuring out what makes people tick has always been a pursuit of mine - I'm obsessed with questions about these guys' motives. What do people like that get out of it? Why do these weird guys want to ensnare women from a distance, when it's all virtual? I mean, they're not even getting laid. ...
Oh honey, what is the biggest sex organ? You know it: it's The Brain. Everyone can exercise that virtually. That's why this kind of stuff is so popular.
You get hit up because you are in showbiz and you've probably got looks to go with that. I hope your post was cathartic, and now you can put this behind you. You know what you've got to do!:)
Thanks you guys! I agree with those who said that what I've been doing is cheating emotionally...that's why I've been feeling bad enough to post about this. I'm in a place where I don't have a a lot of people IRL to turn to right now, so your input helps a lot :)
Yeah, my own insecurity feeds into this stuff quite a bit - I was an awkward adolescent, and also pretty fat until recently - my head is turned by the kind of attention I rarely got when I was younger. And I'm in a public facing job, which means I deal with - the public (lol!). I need to get better at this, which I knew, but your support makes a difference to me. Thanks!
Kitten, I wonder if re-framing this thusly would help:
You are like everyone else... We all want and need connection with others, it's how we're wired as human beings. You turned towards an interesting, juicy offering of connection. Ultimately, it wasn't in keeping with your integrity, so you questioned it. Please don't beat yourself up for being human!
Now is a great time to turn towards your partner, and tell him what happened, that you've been missing deep & meaningful connection, and you want to renew with him. (If in fact this is true. If not, I hope you consider the implications for your marriage.) The jewel in this is it's a fabulous opportunity to renew your marriage... turn towards your spouse and redirecting the life energy you got from your flirtation. Your partner may be hurt by your flirtation. Have some patience with him... and know that this is exactly the opening you can use to make your marriage sing in a whole new way.
Good idea, Redfox. Yes, the marriage thing is complicated - we have issues on both sides, but I agree that he deserves more honesty than what I've shown so far.
All marriages are complicated! Check out Dr. John Gottman's books about marriage. I also recommend one I am in hte middle of... Attached, the New Science of Adult Attachment, by Amir Levin & Rachel Heller. Very interesting, even for those of us in a long term relationship.
Yes, he deserves more honesty... and YOU deserve to be seen and loved by him for who you are. He won't be able to do that unless you are honest... all relationship improvement begins unilaterally.
I sympathize with your situation - I too have felt unnaturally drawn to situations that I knew were bad for me and/or the other person.
I would only add that I recommend you do NOT underestimate how dangerous these insecurities of yours can be.
A few years ago, I heard an "expert" on infidelity on a radio show. Her main point was that few people who cheat on their spouses intend to do so. Instead, cheating happens often after what seemed like an "innocent" flirtation escalates. You are playing with fire, and that fire could destroy your marriage, so please continue to look at it honestly now before it is too late.
I may or may not get crucified for this, but I'm not sure complete honesty is always called for. If you love your husband and want to remain faithful with him I agree this would be an excellent opportunity to let him know that, to share your feelings of distance, to ask to work together to make things better, etc. That would all be positive. Sharing details of your temptation...maybe not so much. Human beings have sad times and weak times and face temptation and sometimes lose the strength they need. You are not alone in that. What happened isn't necessarily cool, but no real harm was done. Learn from it, figure out what was REALLY missing from your life, fill that void and move on. Giving your husband a reason to feel vulnerable every time you go online won't help with that. I'm saying this as much as is possible thinking about what I would want my own wife to do in this situation. YMMV.
Yeah, I think I agree with Gregg.
I've been analyzing my own need to get male approval throughout my life and just recently realized that it is most likely due to my dad disappearing from my life when I was 8. I would think any betrayal or bad behavior by a male we look up to during our formative years helps to explain this need we feel to do these kinds of things.
treehugger
12-14-11, 8:25pm
I've been analyzing my own need to get male approval throughout my life and just recently realized that it is most likely due to my dad disappearing from my life when I was 8. I would think any betrayal or bad behavior by a male we look up to during our formative years helps to explain this need we feel to do these kinds of things.
Classic "Daddy Issues." Now, I am not making fun of that; I have them myself, times 2 (inattentive/absent/drunk biological dad and step-dad). But I do sometimes wonder why I can't get over it, you know? Well, life is a work in progress.
Kara
I would agree with Gregg up to a point. Sometimes, confession is more about us wanting us feeling better than admiting a wrong to make it right. If you can Cut It Off and Not Look Back there really is no reason to bare all. Just hunker down and focus on your marriage and your own internal housekeeping.
And never, ever do it again.
If you find it actually happening again, first line up a marriage counselor, then admit all and insist that you go for counseling. I might even have a few sessions with the counselor beforehand. Once is a mistake. Twice is a habit.
But based on what was written here, I am guessing this was more of a close call than an actual wreck. It's hard to say since so much is projected by the reader. A close call can be a wonderful thing regardless of the context because it can make us realize that we need to slow down, pay attention and make some real changes to how we do things.
loosechickens
12-14-11, 9:27pm
I agree with Gregg.....close calls are wonderful learning experiences for US, but unnecessarily traumatic and hurtful to others. I would certainly talk to your husband about feelings of distance and how you can bring more intimacy and caring into your marriage, but I'd just use this as a great big warning call, myself, and not burden your husband with knowing it, and then feeling vulnerable and even less likely to reach out in intimacy with you.
Since no real harm was done, no actual affair occurred, probably best to keep it to yourself, learn from it, make sure it doesn't happen again, and move on.
I have to say that I agree completely with Gregg on this. Sharing with your DH your needs and desires is helpful to the marriage, but sharing with him your lustful thoughts and yearning towards another man (men) can be extremely detrimental to the marriage. How would you feel if DH told you he needed/wanted something more from your marriage and he wanted to talk about it and work together to improve things? You'd probably be feel pretty good and positive about it. Now how would you feel if he told you he was having an online or IRL flirtation with someone and had become attracted to them in a romantic or sexual way because you, his spouse, wasn't meeting his needs? You'd probably feel pretty darn crappy - and deeeply hurt. You can get to the same end - discussion about what you both want in the relationship - without hurting the relationship and your spouse by too much honesty. As every man knows - the only (often less-then-honest) answer to the age old question asked by their spouse is "No honey, those pants don't make you look fat" :-)!
Yeah, I think I agree with Gregg.
I agree with Gregg, too. Hugs, kitten.
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