View Full Version : Family Feud (yes, the fun continues)
Hi, everyone: You may need a little background on what's been going on w/me lately. If you want to read this background, read my threads "Dreading the holidays" in the Holidays forum, and "Had a job interview today" in Workplace.
EDIT: I am editing this post. Mods, if there is a way to delete it entirely, please do so asap. I do not want it to cause problems in my family and there is a very strong reason to believe it will. Thank you, and I am sorry for the trouble.
((((ladyinblack1964)))) I have no ideas for you, but I wish you the best. Sometimes life is just hard. Someone said to me in the middle of my divorce. Where you are today isn't where you will spend the rest of your life. It will get better. I clung to those words.
Gardenarian
12-1-11, 6:58pm
First, remember, everything sounds worse in an email.
"Now I am really leaning toward a quiet Xmas with just my husband and myself. Who needs this other crap?"
What would be the things keeping you from doing this?
"At this point, I don't know who to turn to. I've had a terrible week--every day I fight suicidal thoughts, I had fallings-out with two friends (one of whom I've known since 1979!) and now this."
Yes, these kind of social/emotional crises seem to come in groups, like buses.
I'm thinking: what is the universe trying to tell you?
How many people are you trying to please?
How is that serving you?
Can you imagine a change in your situation that would lead you to a more serene place?
((((hugs)))) and blessings to you.
I am so sorry you are going through this. What really concerns me is your daily battle with thoughts of suicide. Please seek help. Call a crisis line...talk to your doctor or your spiritual leader. Keep on reaching out. We are all here for you too. (((hugs)))
As was mentioned on the other thread, there is more going on here than just a disagreement over gifts or how to spend the holidays. I can't encourage you enough to get the help and support you need in real life. The way I see it, the least of your worries is whether you should go spend Christmas with your family. You have mental health and financial issues to address.
I think you need to talk to someone. I didn't read all the back history, but is there a counsellor or mental health group you can talk to? Sounds like a lot is getting bottled up inside you.
EDITED: Please, mods, delete this thread. If you can.
...
To answer one poster's question, what would keep me from staying home with DH? I guess in one word: guilt. And fear that somehow I would miss a good time (how is that for irony?). Offend someone, somehow? Weird, I know. ...
nah, these things are complex so the fact that you feel a variety of emotions seems normal to me.
But for god's sake do NOT tell your DH what your sis said, there is absolutely no reason for that. And delete her email so that you do not keep reading it, rid it from your computer.
Hugs to you. Family of origin issues can be so hard to navigate. May I recommend the book Extraordinary Relationships, by Dr. Roberta Gilbert? She frames family of origin dramas so well, and in very non-blaming ways. This book transformed my life.
I encourage you to step back from it all... no need to make decisions now while you are so stressed. And please consider calling the local crisis clinic to talk with someone about your self-harming thoughts. Even if you feel embarassed, it's what they are there for. Please also identify one person besides your husband with whom you feel safe, and commit to calling them before you hurt yourself, and ask for their help.
Let us know how you are doing please!
Mighty Frugal
12-1-11, 10:55pm
ladyinblack. Some people (your sis?) have no issues with mental health or with holding down a job. For people like this, they just think you should 'go out there and get a job' or that people who stay home are 'lazy' and they should 'man up/suck it up/stop yer moaning/etc'
They can't see what the other person is going through. I don't know what she wrote but since you didn't tel her the 'real' reason your dh is not working (I'm guessing maybe emotional issues?) then she may think that finding a job is as easy as walking into the your local retail store and telling them you are available for any shifts. Was this the first time you opened up to her about how you are feeling? Maybe she is scared to delve into that..
I don't think she purposely meant to hurt you, but I don't know for certain.
I'm sorry you are jobless and broke. I am even more sorry that you have suicidal thoughts daily and finding help is challenging at best.
I wish I had some answers for you. Have you tried meditation or yoga?
As for Christmas I think you should go. With this email from your sister and this being the first year you are doing no gifts, if you don't go this year I fear you will never go back.
Mighty Frugal
12-1-11, 11:15pm
I just wanted to add that if you are up for it feel free to post snippets of your sister's email and your points. If you think that would be cathartic you should do it, but sometimes it's best to just delete it and forget it....whatever would make you feel better
domestic goddess
12-2-11, 12:50am
(((lady in black))) Hugs to you.
I have no suggestions for you; I'm just empty in that department. But if you are having suicidal thoughts, please get help now! I don't know what might be available to you in your area, but this would probably be well worth the expense, even though money is tight. There might be a time when it is less likely there would be street people at the clinic, but it might be possible to get help at your local hospital. If you know or hear of a minister at a local church, many will meet with you even if you are not a member of their congregation. If you want to celebrate quietly with your DH at home, then go ahead and do it. Just make sure it doesn't turn into a time when you both wallow in depression.
redfox, thanks for the book recommendation; i'm going to check it out!
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ladyinblack,
as others have said, definitely seek some outside help. picking out a friend or connection whom you trust that you can go to if you feel particularly desperate or upset is very important and helpful.
calling a crisis line can also help set you up for counseling. they often have a lot of resources at their disposal that can help you. Also, sometimes it is just helpful to have someone listen (i worked at a line in university). it's ok, really. that's why those lines exist. :)
i'm so sorry that your sister's email wasn't pleasant and that it upset you so.
it is true that no one knows or understands your situation. it's also ok that they don't or can't. it really is. it just means you have to do what is right for yourself -- no excuses for them. I know, all too well, how hard it is to get to that point.
chrisgermany
12-2-11, 6:15am
Just sending some hugs and good thoughts.
If there is a support center available to you, go and try to get the help you need. If the other clients there frighten you, go anyway, but take DH with you.
Crisis line can also be a good source of support or allow you just to vent to a neutral and trained person.
shadowmoss
12-2-11, 9:27am
Back in the day I lived in a University town. The graduate students in Guidance and Counseling gave free group counseling and very cheap individual counseling. It is what it is, and was helpful for me to get a 3rd person to talk to and get some perspective. The upside/downside is that the people change every semester or every academic year, but it can be helpful to start over every once in awhile anyway. Something to check out. Also, if you can find a 12-step Adult Children of Alcoholics group, that is the group that finally made my life make sense, and when the couseling finally started to really help.
Miss Cellane
12-2-11, 10:36am
I have to explain that she does not really know my husband's situation as to why he does not work. Or that I was (ahem) "let go" from my last four (yes, you read that correctly) jobs.
In your sister's defense, based on the above, she really doesn't know the whole truth about your situation. She's writing about the situation as she thinks it is, not the situation as it really is.
Now, that doesn't mean that she gets to be mean and toxic. But if you aren't willing to tell her the whole truth, then you have to expect that she won't have the correct take on what's really going on in your life. Don't tell your DH about the email--I don't see how it could possibly help you, him or your sister to have him read something that is based on false assumptions.
I think you need to find a safe place to vent, one where you are comfortable telling everything that is bothering you. Your sister clearly isn't that place. Please do look for someone/somewhere that you can go for help.
Sending lots of cyber hugs.
Dear LIB, you have value and merit way beyond what you feel right now. Do you have a crisis line that you can phone for a safe place to vent. Those answering do have some crisis training and know what options are available.
FWIW, I would not post any emails from anyone online as it is simply wrong to do so to another. You would feel deeply wronged if anyone did it to you.
You have and know that you have intelligence, strength, love, insight, wisdom, persistence, hope, tenderness, knowledge of right and wrong, kindness, understanding, and so many other wonderful qualities that make you a truly unique, valuable and important person. Claim them as being you and no one else's opinion will hurt as much.
I encourage you to stay home with your DH for Christmas this year. As far as the guilt is concerned, treat yourself like you would a best friend and be good to yourself. It's okay and necessary to put yourself (and DH) first sometimes and this sounds like one of those times!
In your sister's defense, based on the above, she really doesn't know the whole truth about your situation. She's writing about the situation as she thinks it is, not the situation as it really is.
Now, that doesn't mean that she gets to be mean and toxic. But if you aren't willing to tell her the whole truth, then you have to expect that she won't have the correct take on what's really going on in your life. Don't tell your DH about the email--I don't see how it could possibly help you, him or your sister to have him read something that is based on false assumptions.
I do not think my sister meant to be mean and toxic. But her method of what I should do to "make" my husband get a job--i.e., threaten him with a divorce...well, that's not the kind of life I want to have.
I should make a few points clear here:
1. I think she does know I was fired from my past four jobs, but somehow might have forgotten. Being my sister, she might also be slightly prejudiced in my favor.
2. In addition to emotional issues, my DH now has physical issues that will prevent him from working in his former field. It's very hard for him to come up with something he thinks he can do. The two sets of issues play on each other.
3. If my sister thinks I have never actually tried to say to him, "enough is enough; get a job," well, she's short-sighted. I'm not a moron.
4. We were in counseling together, addressing this very issue, and he kept telling the counselor he would get a job. That was in Feb. He has been saying this for years. As I mentioned earlier, I was in individual therapy for years, and spent YEARS talking about this. My counselor, Kay, basically said it came down to this: He may not be able to work ever again, and I needed to accept this.
It was a lot easier to accept when I was making $40K a year with benefits.
I have no wish to return to counseling. I have been in counseling, on and off, since I was 14 years old. I am almost 50. I am familiar with rational emotive behavioral therapy, which is pretty much the only thing that has worked. I may call a crisis line if it comes down to that. But I have talked to friends, family, pen pals...nobody knows what to say. It either comes down to, "I'm so sorry" or "why don't you throw the bum out?" And "hang in there."
Human beings can only do so much. I've begun praying too, praying that God will "cure" my husband...and I'm not getting any replies from Up There either.
I surely do not mean to knock anyone's suggestions here. REALLY. It is hard for me to describe the myriad of emotions I am experiencing. As someone said, it is complex.
I think I will check out that book, for sure, though.
I thank you for listening...and for understanding. And helping me keep this in perspective.
ladyinblack,
I want to mention this as a possibility for you that has really worked for us: Brain Entrainment meditations. They are expensive, but I can see if I can at least get the basic ones to you in a way that is inexpensive -- if you would be open.
There's a whole book about how it all works, but basically, what happens is that sound is used to put your brain into certain wave patters. This actually changes the way that your brain works, so that you can overcome stress, depression, anxiety and so on.
Several months ago, my husband and I started this process. We have years of therapy behind us too, and my husband struggles with deep, deep anxiety. We realized that "story" was no longer going to help. Behavior modification was beneficial, but he wasn't "pushing through" into where he wanted to be. I was getting stressed trying to encourage him to "keep up" with where we are and where we are going.
A friend put out his book about brain entrainment in our waiting room, and we both devoured it in a day and a half. Then, he loaned us his starter CD. It's just one, but in the month that we have done it -- AMAZING results. Seriously, I can't even explain it.
After this first CD, you have to buy "higher levels" -- and those are generally personalized. SO. . . that's where money comes in, and I know you are not there yet.
But there may be no-cost or low-cost versions that can help.
And, it's truly "easy.' You just get comfy in a chair and listen to this music for 30-60 mins. Our first CD is rain plus gong sounds, and it's SUPER relaxing. I LOVE IT!
So, i'm just putting it out there as a something you can look into. We're currently using holosync, but our friend also likes. . .i think it's called life flow?
Anyway, you can look into it, and i'll see if there is a free way to get ahold of these things.
Wildflower
12-2-11, 11:01pm
If your DH is truly unable to work shouldn't he be able to get on SS Disability?
As far as Christmas goes why don't you ask your family to exchange gifts before you get there, and then show up later to have dinner with them. Sounds like a good compromise to me. I would think, hopefully, everyone would be agreeable to that.
Best wishes and good luck with whatever you decide to do. So many struggle with family obligations this time of year. It's tough....
May I suggest another one? Byron Katie, Loving What Is. I have some reservations with some of her stances; nonetheless, I have benefitted greatly from her basic teaching, which is this (as I understand it): Argue with reality - i.e. What is happening - and you're miserable, as she puts it, "only 100% of the time"! It's one's thinking about what is happening that makes one miserable, not reality itself.
She posits four inquiry questions to drill down into one's assumptions & thinking. I cannot do the book justice in one small post... Check it out of the library and see for yourself. Also, google her on Oprah. She has some demo's, working with folks from her workshop, that are pretty incredible.
Her email was non-understanding because in fact she doesn't understand. I'm constantly encountering people who think that because they like me and I have some talents it should be no problem for me to move from the 11% unemployed in this area to the 89% employed. Not so easy, and age discrimination is very real, even if unspoken.
IMHO, a lot of people have a fear of being unemployed and broke themselves, and as a defense against their feelings about it they subconsciously minimize the plight of people experiencing it. If they can convince themselves that the person with troubles did or failed to do something that could have prevented the problem, then they subconsciously feel that they themselves are safer from troubles as long as they keeping doing things "right". Overtly, this comes across as indifference or callousness, when it's really an internal defense mechanism.
I second the thought on Byron Katie. A truly effective and deceptively simple method of clearing anger and resentment from one's mind. My library has her books, yours may too. Also VERY helpful and soothing is Eckhart Tolle. I love his voice and have several of his CDs from the library on hand right now.
I know that getting SSD is a major task, but if your DH has or can find a doctor who recognizes his disability, it can't hurt to fill out the forms. Be aware that SSD often turns one down on the first try, so expect to appeal, possibly with one of those no fee unless we win attorneys.
If it doesn't seem too mercenary, as if going there just because of needing help, I suggest visiting several churches/spiritual centers that are convenient to you. If there's one you like it's a pleasant outing, possibly uplifting, and a chance to build a 'family' support group of non-relatives. Many churches offer a wide variety of practical and emotional help. My church gives out free day old bread and pastries from Publix, and has been known to pay one time costs for broke people, like my friend who lost her ID and didn't have the money to pay the fee to replace it.
Re Christmas, I could make a case for either going or not going, or for dropping in briefly to exchange affectionate greetings and then leaving. Perhaps one measure for deciding that would be, which alternative makes you feel least suicidal? There are always more than two choices. As far as keeping up family ties, maybe you could visit the relatives you like separately, either before or after Christmas itself. Or a cheery mass email with holiday greetings, a bit of humor, and attached picture - something like that can be a gift in itself and keep that sense of family connection, without costing anything or having to be in a crowd.
I really feel for you, being in a similar pickle myself.
Re suicidal ideation - this may be irrelavant to you, but I've noticed that no matter how well medicated I am, if I eat anyting containing MSG, my mood drops to despair within hours. I know not everyone is sensitive to MSG, but I thought I should mention it just in case.
Her email was non-understanding because in fact she doesn't understand. I'm constantly encountering people who think that because they like me and I have some talents it should be no problem for me to move from the 11% unemployed in this area to the 89% employed. Not so easy, and age discrimination is very real, even if unspoken.
IMHO, a lot of people have a fear of being unemployed and broke themselves, and as a defense against their feelings about it they subconsciously minimize the plight of people experiencing it. If they can convince themselves that the person with troubles did or failed to do something that could have prevented the problem, then they subconsciously feel that they themselves are safer from troubles as long as they keeping doing things "right". Overtly, this comes across as indifference or callousness, when it's really an internal defense mechanism.
I second the thought on Byron Katie. A truly effective and deceptively simple method of clearing anger and resentment from one's mind. My library has her books, yours may too. Also VERY helpful and soothing is Eckhart Tolle. I love his voice and have several of his CDs from the library on hand right now.
I know that getting SSD is a major task, but if your DH has or can find a doctor who recognizes his disability, it can't hurt to fill out the forms. Be aware that SSD often turns one down on the first try, so expect to appeal, possibly with one of those no fee unless we win attorneys.
If it doesn't seem too mercenary, as if going there just because of needing help, I suggest visiting several churches/spiritual centers that are convenient to you. If there's one you like it's a pleasant outing, possibly uplifting, and a chance to build a 'family' support group of non-relatives. Many churches offer a wide variety of practical and emotional help. My church gives out free day old bread and pastries from Publix, and has been known to pay one time costs for broke people, like my friend who lost her ID and didn't have the money to pay the fee to replace it.
Re Christmas, I could make a case for either going or not going, or for dropping in briefly to exchange affectionate greetings and then leaving. Perhaps one measure for deciding that would be, which alternative makes you feel least suicidal? There are always more than two choices. As far as keeping up family ties, maybe you could visit the relatives you like separately, either before or after Christmas itself. Or a cheery mass email with holiday greetings, a bit of humor, and attached picture - something like that can be a gift in itself and keep that sense of family connection, without costing anything or having to be in a crowd.
I really feel for you, being in a similar pickle myself.
Re suicidal ideation - this may be irrelavant to you, but I've noticed that no matter how well medicated I am, if I eat anyting containing MSG, my mood drops to despair within hours. I know not everyone is sensitive to MSG, but I thought I should mention it just in case.
Good post.
It took me along time to realize that while my siblings and I are close and care greatly for each other, we are not the same people. We didn't get the same childhood by any means. I was the oldest and ended up being very very responsible, caring for younger siblings, helping with housework, cooking etc. The youngest two didn't have that expirence at all.
Now, in our fifties, we have had many years of very different expierinces. We all look at things differently. For some reason, for a long time I thought we all thought the same, because we grew up in the same house. I was often hurt because they didn't say or do something the way I would have done it. Now, I try to give them the same space I would give friends. They don't have to think just like me.
Good post.
It took me along time to realize that while my siblings and I are close and care greatly for each other, we are not the same people. We didn't get the same childhood by any means. I was the oldest and ended up being very very responsible, caring for younger siblings, helping with housework, cooking etc. The youngest two didn't have that expirence at all.
Now, in our fifties, we have had many years of very different expierinces. We all look at things differently. For some reason, for a long time I thought we all thought the same, because we grew up in the same house. I was often hurt because they didn't say or do something the way I would have done it. Now, I try to give them the same space I would give friends. They don't have to think just like me.
This is so true...and I discovered the same thing! I have three sisters and we are all different, unique people. I don't know why it took so long to recognize that, but it did. As the years have gone by we have begun to be more comfortable in being who we are in our own right. There will always be differences in how we perceive our childhood and my parents, but we don't have to be right or wrong in our thinking anymore. Most of the time we are able to accept each other with the good and bad inextricably woven through each of us! It was a long journey (we range from 54 to 65 years old), but I am that we made it together!
loosechickens
12-3-11, 3:49pm
"IMHO, a lot of people have a fear of being unemployed and broke themselves, and as a defense against their feelings about it they subconsciously minimize the plight of people experiencing it. If they can convince themselves that the person with troubles did or failed to do something that could have prevented the problem, then they subconsciously feel that they themselves are safer from troubles as long as they keeping doing things "right". Overtly, this comes across as indifference or callousness, when it's really an internal defense mechanism." (reader99)
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I think this is an excellent point reader99. In real life, I often found it really difficult to understand when some of the most judgmental folks, I could see plainly, were just a few steps away from the people they were castigating, and could at any moment fall into the same situations. When I finally grasped that it was BECAUSE that was a defense mechanism, "that's not going to happen to ME, because I'M not like those people, because they made this decision and that decision that was wrong, etc. and THAT'S why they are in this mess", I understood it much better. And now, see it all around, whether it is speaking of unemployment, disease, etc.
The scarier a prospect looks inside, the more vociferous the denial, I think.
Bottom line, we all have to learn to only look for respect to the person we see looking back at us in the mirror. When YOU know that you are doing your best, you can hold your head up, regardless of whatever situation you are having to live through at the moment. The job market is the pits right now, even for the best qualified people, and when you put age, location in the country, and other problems into the mix, even people who would have had no difficulties finding and holding on to jobs in the past are finding themselves cast to the side. Which makes those who have NOT yet found themselves in that ditch, even more judgemental of those who have, because of that fear issue, denial, and wish to separate themselves from people who could have that happen to them.
I know it is a terrible time for you ladyinblack, and even when times are normal, the holidays are a time when all sorts of family dysfunction, old hurts, and other problems come up. The relentless round of media falseness about the wonders of the holidays, compared with the actual situation for so many people makes it even worse.
Just be kind to yourself and to your husband. And if that means sending polite regrets that things are not going well for you this year, money is not available for giftgiving, and that you just don't find it in yourselves to celebrate is just fine, if that is what it will take to get through this period.
Please, please, though......if you are having even fleeting thoughts of suicide, SEEK HELP. Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems that only look unsolvable, and is truly not a solution at all. No matter how seductive when you're in the midst of what look to be things that can never change. Change ALWAYS comes, just not when and how we want it to. So trust in the process, do your best, and get through this holiday period the best way you can, and we will all hope for brighter days to come for you in the New Year.
Re: suicide - what has stopped me (since my husband died 2 years ago) is empathetically reflecting on the effect of whoever would find my body, and on those left behind. For a while there the maintenance guy who would probably have been first on the scene was a Viet Nam vet with PTSD. I couldn't do it to him. Also my step son still hasn't gotten over his father's (2XDH) death almost ten years ago, and because he respects my mind and common sense the effect on him would be incalculable. My friend that lives near by would be thrown into a tailspin, and since she was just diagnosed with breast cancer, it would just be too much.
Lady In Black
Just wanted to add to the conversation: As another long term unemployed person, I understand on a very visceral level the feelings of desperation, as I have them too. I've really stopped sharing these feelings with employed friends because it has been so long. They really want to be helpful, but given that most of them are engineers, they just want to fix things. I appreciate the suggestions, but really, I've done all the obvious, and many not so obvious things. (Moving is not an option without a job, and why would I want to add a mortgage at this point? I've already tried self employment and found it wasn't for me...) I'm just trying to focus on what I do have, but being over 50 and out of work so long likely means I'm not going to find technical work again, and that's hard for me since I've poured so much of my life into my career.
If you need someone to talk to, please feel free to private message me. I can relate.
frugalone
12-6-11, 11:32pm
Aye, there's the rub...to quote the Bard.
Part of the problem is that he is in denial of his true situation. And he believes he'll never get disability anyway, even if he tries. We do have one of those "no fee unless you win" lawyers who advertises every day in our local paper. But he won't go, won't look into it. I have asked him to do so for years. My mother has suggested it, our lawyer friend has suggested it (though she used to work at SSDI and doubts he'd get it. I guess you have to be really effed up to get it).
Oh, and he has said that none of the mental health pros he's seen think there's anything wrong with him. Either he's made them think things are better than they are, or they're quacks, IMHO.
As you can imagine, this puts me into a really terrible position, and I have thought about getting a divorce many times. But how could I do this to him? If he's truly ill, I took a vow "in sickness and in health."
If your DH is truly unable to work shouldn't he be able to get on SS Disability?
As far as Christmas goes why don't you ask your family to exchange gifts before you get there, and then show up later to have dinner with them. Sounds like a good compromise to me. I would think, hopefully, everyone would be agreeable to that.
Best wishes and good luck with whatever you decide to do. So many struggle with family obligations this time of year. It's tough....
frugalone
12-6-11, 11:41pm
So many of these posts touched in points in my life.
For example, I have come to realize after a long time that I don't have much in common with my family anymore. I never was close to my sister growing up. She is 6 years younger than I am, and was always very shy and conscious of what others thought of her.Our opinions differ on quite a few subjects. I don't agree w/the way she is raising her children, for e.g.
My brother lives a couple of hours away, and we don't see them very often. The family finds his wife somewhere between annoying and intimidating. Their son's behavior is finally calming down a bit, but he was a hellion for a while. Two years ago on Xmas he punched my DH in the face. My hubby picked him up and to sort of tease him, held him upside down (he always does this to kids and they seem to get a kick out of it), and then the little effer went to his mother and said his uncle tried to choke him. And she TOOK HIS SIDE.
My mother has gotten uber conservative in her old age. She hates Obama, thinks George Bush was God's gift to politics, and thinks Habitat for Humanity "brings down the neighborhood." That's the tip of the iceberg. Still she has been very good to us, and she is, after all, my mom.
We're pretty Bohemian in this household. It's an old house with a clawfoot tub, pretty messy, an art room instead of a dining room, a TV that only shows videos, a library instead of a living room. There's really no space to even have anyone other than, say, two people over for dinner.
flowerseverywhere
12-7-11, 1:18am
e-mails like posts here can be very misinterpreted, as they are normally based on not all the facts, and families e-mails seem to carry a lot of baggage as well. Talking face to face is so much harder but at least you are sure where you stand.
I have read your other threads and all I can say is I hope that you can find a way to have some happiness in your life, in your relationships, in a financial sense and mostly in a personal sense.
frugalone
12-24-11, 5:30pm
I'm at a point where I'm either freaking out with rage, or feeling numb toward the holidays (like this is not really happening right now). I''m just taking it day by day.
Aqua Blue
12-24-11, 5:42pm
(((LIB)))))
frugalone
12-25-11, 10:22pm
Thank you, Aqua Blue.
I am very hurt right now--not one person in my family called us today to wish us a Merry Christmas. How could they be like this, knowing the kind of mental anguish I am in?
Yet, I got two e-cards from friends--one an e-mail pen pal, the other a real life artist friend.
Man, I don't know what to think...just glad I have friends.
Float On
12-25-11, 11:19pm
LiB - you are thought of and cared about here. Sending a Christmas hug to you, I know you are hurting.
LIB, consider yourself hugged and supported.
When people don't know how to interact, they don't act at all. Your family does value you but don't know what to say or do at this time. Until they have walked in your shoes, they won't know what to do.
chrisgermany
12-26-11, 11:10am
Hugs and good wishes from Germany. Take care of yourself!
Aqua Blue
12-26-11, 11:33am
LIB, consider yourself hugged and supported.
When people don't know how to interact, they don't act at all. Your family does value you but don't know what to say or do at this time. Until they have walked in your shoes, they won't know what to do.
And sometimes we don't know what they are going thru at the same time. More than once I have realized later that when I was in a crisis a friend who I thought should be there for me, was going thru their own crisis and probably thought I should be there for them, lol. The first year after I divorced many years ago I was very sad over Christmas and really felt abandoned by my best friend. My inlaws had always made Christmas really special, with a ethnic meal on Christmas eve, half the night opening presents, kids all over the place, church at midnight etc and now I was sitting in my little apartment all by myself. Later, when things were better,my BFwas telling me about the Christmas of ---(the same year) and how depressed she had been and how she could hardly function. She had a rough childhood and something was said that took her back to a Christmas many years before and that threw her for a loop. Here I had thought she had withdrawn from me because of my divorce, and it wasn't about me at all.
I think the holidays are hard for a lot of people on a lot of different levels. the people who hold the hardest to say continuing to buy needless presents may be the people who are the most on the edge. That is the thing that holds them together thru the holiday. Sorry for the rambling. I spent all day yesterday by myself with toooo much time the think. YMMV
early morning
12-26-11, 1:11pm
(((((LIB))))) and (((((Aqua Blue))))) sending you the best vibes I can for now and the new year. I care, and am thinking about you - wish there was some magic to ease the hurt and frustration. . .
frugalone
12-26-11, 9:34pm
And my Pay Pal account got hacked today. Merry Christmas, LIB (pity party here).
My sister did get in touch.
On my Facebook wall, she wrote "Well??"
Nice. Real nice.
And my Pay Pal account got hacked today. Merry Christmas, LIB (pity party here).
Ah, bummer. Sounds sucky all around. Good thing Pay Pal has policies for such things! Families... not so much.
PS - my reply to "well?" is "A deep subject." Goofy, but then so is the question.
frugalone
12-27-11, 1:50am
Thanks for making me smile.
I also heard from my mom. She answered a two-week-old e-mail about seeing a high school pal of mine. Hmmm...
I just wanted to let everyone know I'm still here. Things are better with my family but I am still not doing well. I know I should be doing things like taking walks, making art, etc. But I just dont' feel like doing anything at all except maybe reading and sleeping. I am looking into some counseling etc. but I don't have a lot of faith that it will help.
I'm worried because I have a job interview this week and I don't feel like I can put on the "happy mask" and fake my way through it. I just can't. I feel like I'm stuck in some sort of swamp. I'll keep trying to put one foot in front of the other, though.
I forget, ladyinblack, have you considered antidepressants? It sounds like you're just deeply depressed, and a short course of antidepressants has helped me in the past. It helped me get another job, for one thing, which lifted my spirits, which made me want to do things again, which gave me energy to get back into my life, which....made it so I didn't need antidepressants :) About six weeks did it for me. I'm not a pill person, but if you're floundering in that kind of morass you may need some heroic measures to get out.
Puglogic is absolutely right. There are times when there are no boot straps to pull up. It sounds like that's where you are. Antidepressants don't mask the problem. They just give you back the tools you need to start solving them yourself. Things like sleep, concentration and the ability to see beyond how you feel at the moment.
super-duper hugs (((((LIB64)))))
Agree about the anti-depressants. I know money is really tight for you guys now, but this is serious. Some of the older drugs are probably available for the extra cheap $5 copay at Target/Walmart, etc. Or maybe you can find a sympathetic doc who will give you the free samples they get.
(((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))) And good luck with your job interview. I cried at mine and still got the job! And have gone on to great success in spite of the damage inflicted by my previous psycho boss. Here's hoping you can find a mensch like my current boss who will see your potential and give you a shot.
lhamo
Good luck with the job interview! Remember that you are interviewing them, too....not just about having a "happy face" but if you remember that your job is to find out as much as you can about what it would be like to work there, you'll seem very interested and enthusiastic even if you feel crappy. People LOVE to talk about themselves and if they like their work they love to talk about that. I am hopeful that your interviewer will be open to your questions about what it is like to work there.....
And best wishes otherwise. Somebody elsewhere (maybe on this thread) recommended David Burns' Feel Good handbook (or workbook) likely available at your library. There are LOTS of ideas in there and there are little things that you can do....that don't take a huge amount of energy. And medication is a wonderful tool for managing symptoms so that you CAN feel good enough to do those things you talked about...walking and making art.
Sending good thoughts.....
Yes, I have, and I'm not thrilled with the results. Studies are now beginning to show that there are after-effects to SSRIs, and they don't really understand what the long-term effects are yet. You are correct in having taken a "short course"--but I was on them for years. There's a doctor around here who hands them out like candy, and I'm very angry and feel like I was treated like a guinea pig. They are only supposed to be for short-term use--to help you get, say, some counseling, get your act together, and then move on. Yet this guy will just keep you on them for years. I'm at my wits' end--trying to find another doctor right now.
I forget, ladyinblack, have you considered antidepressants? It sounds like you're just deeply depressed, and a short course of antidepressants has helped me in the past. It helped me get another job, for one thing, which lifted my spirits, which made me want to do things again, which gave me energy to get back into my life, which....made it so I didn't need antidepressants :) About six weeks did it for me. I'm not a pill person, but if you're floundering in that kind of morass you may need some heroic measures to get out.
Bad news: I blew it. After filling out myriads of paperwork, they handed me yet another bunch of paper, this one with questions on it. Second question was, "How would you best describe yourself and why should we hire you?" Followed by other questions like "tell me about a time you had a run-in with someone. How did you resolve it?" I completely freaked. I said, "I"m sorry, I can't do this." Then I burst into tears. It was terrible! They told me to stay there for a few minutes rather than leave. I think they meant well. They said, "When we saw your background experience, we have to be honest: you won't be happy here." Then I had to listen to The Speech: The one where everyone asks me: Did you apply (insert name of college here)? Have you thought of blogging for money (nobody reads my blog, much less is going to pay me for it)? Everything I've heard over and over again.
They suggested I forget the clerical work and try to stick with the writing/marketing/etc. stuff I've been doing the past 15 years. Everybody's got a different bit of advice. People tell me "leave the last 15 years off your resume. Tell them you didn't go to college." My head is spinning at this point. I need a break. Forget that: I am broken already. Not sure about the next step, but my family is behind me. The cemetery where mom's family is buried was nearby the interview site, and I stopped there and I just stood there at the graves asking my grandparents to please, if they have an "in" with the Big Guy or Gal, please to say something on my behalf.
P.S. I am familiar with David Burns and may have a copy somewhere. I read his book 30 years ago. It is a GREAT book--maybe time for a revisit.
Good luck with the job interview! Remember that you are interviewing them, too....not just about having a "happy face" but if you remember that your job is to find out as much as you can about what it would be like to work there, you'll seem very interested and enthusiastic even if you feel crappy. People LOVE to talk about themselves and if they like their work they love to talk about that. I am hopeful that your interviewer will be open to your questions about what it is like to work there.....
And best wishes otherwise. Somebody elsewhere (maybe on this thread) recommended David Burns' Feel Good handbook (or workbook) likely available at your library. There are LOTS of ideas in there and there are little things that you can do....that don't take a huge amount of energy. And medication is a wonderful tool for managing symptoms so that you CAN feel good enough to do those things you talked about...walking and making art.
Sending good thoughts.....
I would love to try and get hold of one of the older drugs but the doc I'm seeing won't prescribe them. He will, however, give out free samples and a discount on the new, "fun" stuff like Cymbalta. I may be looking for a new doctor.
Agree about the anti-depressants. I know money is really tight for you guys now, but this is serious. Some of the older drugs are probably available for the extra cheap $5 copay at Target/Walmart, etc. Or maybe you can find a sympathetic doc who will give you the free samples they get.
(((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))) And good luck with your job interview. I cried at mine and still got the job! And have gone on to great success in spite of the damage inflicted by my previous psycho boss. Here's hoping you can find a mensch like my current boss who will see your potential and give you a shot.
lhamo
mtnlaurel
1-12-12, 10:23am
lib - i didn't feel right leaving my bootstraps/pep talk up.
Take care of yourself. We believe in you.
((((LIB)))), I'm thinking and praying for you today. You are strong, even though you may not think so right now. You can get through this!
I'm sorry it didn't work out. Glad they were kind to you. I hope you get that break soon. Read Burns. Good stuff, indeed. Check in often here -- you have a lot of people who care for you in this community and we're here for support when you need it.
lhamo
Thank you. I'm doing a bit better now. Started taking Lexapro again, rather than these newer drugs, which can have terrible withdrawal symptoms; indeed, there is a withdrawal "syndrome" and I believe that is part of what's been happening to me.
I was just rereading this thread and thought I'd update it.
I'm still taking a half-dose of Lexapro and it is keeping me sane. If I have to stay on it the rest of my life, I will.
I'm afraid to say anything further about family relationships because I don't want any more problems in that area. Let me just say this: If I can't talk about my relationships with people online, or even my friends because the family member will be angry with me, where am I supposed to get support? A professional, only?
LIB,
Glad the medication is working for you. You should definitely stay on it if it is helping you. Regarding your family issues, I don't have an answer for you but it seems to me that someone whose behavior is causing you pain and who will not allow you to use whatever resources you need to cope with that does not have your best interests at heart. YOu shouldn't just have to stuff your feelings and deal with whatever they are doing on your own, especially considering all the other stresses you are under. It is fine and healthy for you to stand up for yourself and what you need. You don't have to tear the other person down to do that, just state your needs and attend to them. I know, easier said than done. But I hope you can find the strength/resolve to put yourself first. Sometimes that means you need to draw some boundaries and put some distance between you and the person causing the pain. That is hard, but also healthy. And you deserve health and happiness. I hope you can find it. We're all pulling for you. Come back for support often, even if you don't feel you can/should share the details.
lhamo
Lhamo, thank you for your kind words. I have trouble with boundaries. I also have trouble in making a statement and then sticking to it. I'll keep trying.
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