View Full Version : sometimes I feel bad
For being so different than my family, especially my mom. I usually focus on trying to keep myself separate with overwhelming pressure it seems from outside but i just had a moment where I thought about how it must be hard to have me as an oldest daughter. just a mis-match somewhere in the system.
I started to think about this since i realized that in talking to my sister I don't have any comfort foods that are left from my childhood. My mom comes and cooks for us, she actually cooks things the kids want that I would never cook which is fine, but my comfort food is not even something she would eat beyond mashed potatoes and gravy.
And then we have the underlying 'want to fit in/do what others do' vs the 'no reason to consider what anyone else is doing' (that is mine in case you didn't already know). But rather than being judgemental i realize where my mom's experience comes from. Her family was 'fine' moving often for dad's job 'changes' in an era where people stayed put for eons, being nervous about having people over and seeing a drunk dad, and then working every possible job as soon as she could to not stand out by not having nice clothes.
Meanwhile i have my reasons, but growing up in the same family it is totally different than my siblings. I have the insane creativity and my kids have that with talent on top of it. The society rules and judgement stop at my door, we pick and choose the ones that make sense. My brother is so totally, um, normal. He seems to really like me and my quirkiness, everyone accepts my kid with fake hair dreads in her mowhawk, but somehow we can't just leave my tupperware the way i have it.
In any case, I can see that it would have been nice for my mom to have a daughter who was kinda like her.
That's an interesting observation. Is your sister more like your mom? Maybe she did ONE right, haha! Kidding.
Haha, well that is true. My sister is great, more like my mom, and loves it when she comes to clean. Somehow mom doesn't 'take over' because my sister is more acceptable than I am. So my sister does not get furniture rearranged at least, but they are buddies. They are both very practical dressers, khaki pants and tennis shoes and rarely makeup. Meanwhile I hate people buying me clothes, ever. I have black and red, heels and cowgirl boots, dyed hair and makeup. they are the granny panties to my lacey thongs ya know.
The funny thing in family roles is that I have the role of the black sheep/victim of life/mentally unstable one. My sister is the one who is on several medications for anxiety and still can't have guests because she spends weeks wondering if she did the right thing and going over every detail of the event. I have my own medication and things going on, but I am not anxious like that. To be fair we need to be even on that.
In our latest issue I realize in that family dynamics way she was trying to play rescuer to my victim, which doesn't work when you are not a victim. So it got pretty direct and tense at a point.
:laff: Iris Lily...
It's not unusual for family members to have different personalities and preferences, or to take noticeably more after one side of the family than the other. As I grow older, I can see better the characteristics I inherited from my mother, while I chafed mightily at our differences for many years.
It's a good thing I didn't reproduce, because I would have been disappointed to have a child I had trouble relating to, even while recognizing we all have a right to be exactly who we are.
I would just like to say that I miss my mom coming in to clean. And while it is true that I miss my mom, I really DO miss the free cleaning. She reorganized kitchen stuff a little and I did not mind, sometimes her ideas were better.
I know Iris, I hear that about moms and that is why it has been 5 years since my last time I got really angry. It is just sad to me sometimes, I like the things we do like sharing books and maybe hanging out with my kids. I am not sure how I will feel in many years when she is gone (my grandma is still alive as well so I think we have a fair amount of time). I am pretty sure I won't still be petty, but it will be sad to think all she ever saw in my house and my life was problems to be fixed instead of something pretty good.
I just talked to her on the phone and she is coming this week for my son't concert. It is the first time she will see him perform in the 6 years he has played guitar and the 2nd year at the premier arts school in Denver. In her way she said that she is bringing presents and they will be in a bag and then we will put them in my room ,.... Then she asked which day my daughter would set up the tree this week or if it wasn;t going going up at all. She ended by telling me she had filled my kid's stockings this year (again, I ask her to let me do it every year and every year she fills them, 21 years now).
I am pretty sure it is too petty and too late but I sometimes imagine if we could sit with a counselor and work some of this out. Like bring presents and let me hide them instead of announcing they will be in my room or just let me fill my own kids' stockings and easter baskets and pick their clothes for a family photo, but those years are past really and my family albums show that every outfit was chosen by her every formal photo. I know I have to let this go, but it would be nice if I was met halfway with something that helped us not be all angry and hurt.
It's always amazing to me that my siblings and I came from the same gene pool. Still, nobody on earth gets me like they do and there's a comfort I feel with them that I literally feel with no one else, not even DH. And we aren't terribly close friends.
interesting take on your sibling relationship as i have been going over mine lately. In my case my sister took the role as care taker, problem solver when i didn't need a caretaker. Looking back now there were probably many times when she did need a caretaker and I didn't pick up on the cue but she wasn't one to except help from people, very independant. I believe we were close in spite of our differences. She passed away 9 months ago. I miss her every day.
I do think your mom should have honored your wishes about the gifts.
Never feel bad about who you are, zoe girl.
The World could not function very long if we all gave in to pressure to be like our parents, or even like our parents wished we were. It's our gifts, our differences, that dance of old/security and new/creativity that keeps society evolving and improving.
Celebrate, tolerate as best you can, try to take a deep breath and keep it all in perspective!
I think some people have no idea how to help someone else except to try to do stuff for them, which isn't always helpful. It sounds like your mom wants to help, but of course it's not the way you might want and winds up being more annoying than appreciated. She might think she IS helping and is hoping you'll appreciate it THIS year, or some such thing. When the high emotions between mothers and daughters get going, it's hard to see through the cloud and realize the intentions are good.
I hear you on not being like your mom. My mom's whole side of the family is a bunch of artist-types who tend to be loquacious. I'm introverted and highly practical. We get along OK but there's definitely a sense that we will never understand certain things about each other, and that's just how it is. OTOH, sometimes when kids turn out very much like a parent then they fight because they see themselves reflected in the other and try to work against that.
Zoe Girl
12-11-11, 11:19am
thank you all, I can tell that she is doing that rosie, waiting for the year I will finally understand that she does everythign I want to do for my kids for me so I will see she cares. And meanwhile I would like my own recognition of little things like I have always had a coffee maker, coffee and filters. I have never drank coffee, I have these because she visits. When my dad comes also they go to mc donalds or eat breakfast at the hotel ( i have a very small space), and I still have my coffee maker ready.
I guess part of it is for me that there are things we try to do for others and ways we work in the world that mean something to us, they don't mean that to others. So there is a point to bring in a reasonable standard. That is very complicated because I think globally, I can see different cultures and family structures and see how reasonable is very subjective. In any case there is a reasonable standard. So my parents have never once been to one of my churches, they have made it to 3 events for my kids over the years, and we have struggled with joint vacations because they don't do outdoors. That I have to accept, unfortunatley in this society and with my family artistic events are very different than a soccer game and I know my parents will only go to a lutheran church. Camping is right out, but I sometimes dream they will want to do some of these things. On the flip side my mom has not bugged me to go to a mall in a very long time. However the filling the stockings an easter baskets seems like it goes beyond a reasonable standard unless we are especially poor. This year I am stepping out of the way, I am owed about $2K in child support so I have nothing at all for presents. If I keep bugging then I should be able to get money to keep the phone on.
Okay that was long, just a rough stretch in the middle of years of rough stretches, and it wears on you.
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