View Full Version : I'm not really sure how I should feel about this.
Every year my twin sister does Christmas at her house and her husband's family comes. She has a huge historic home and she does a sit down dinner for as many as 28 people. Without fail she goes into "Christmas Meltdown". I end up at her house for days in helping to clean and cook and decorate.
This year meltdown came early because she has to go to a corporate Christmas party in Chicago and to England for a week to attend two Christmas parties for plants that her DH overseas. When I say meltdown, picture her sobbing at her kitchen table because she has to buy a grab bag gift and wrap it and mail it in the next 10 days. And she has to figure out what to wear.
She doesn't work. I do and I live alone. I put up my own decorations inside and out and put up my tree, unaided. When I said this weekend how proud I was of having all my decorations done and most of my shopping done, she responded with "That's because you're bouncing off of me. I'm so organized because I have to be because of all this traveling I have to do."
I have spent hours already (and it's only the 5th of December) consoling her, giving her suggestions, etc. She wanted me to wrap and ship the grab bag gift because she's simply won't have time. I did tell her that this year she needs to hire a housecleaner because with working full time and the shocking truth that it's Christmas at my house too, I wasn't going to be able to clean her house for three days.
Well, I found out last night that not only is my daughter, son-in-law and grandson not coming on Christmas day, but now my sister has decided not to do Christmas. She's going to Chicago to her BIL's house. Hence she decided not to bake any more Christmas cookies. Instead, she wants half of mine so she can still give cookies away to her in laws.
Basically, I'm now on my own for Christmas after having spent hours talking her off the wall. On one hand, I'm sort of relieved that I don't have to deal with the drama. But on the other hand, I feel sort of used. Maybe it's petty, but she can bake her own damn cookies.
What can you do for YOU, Charity? Now that this huge weight of self-absorption has been lifted from your shoulders? Face it --- she seems to think you're her personal assistant, and (from your story) seems to care little about what YOU want for yourself around the holidays. The world revolves around her. Well....let her bake her own cookies, wrap her own presents, and manage her own life.
So what DO you want for yourself? What have you always wanted to do? What would make you feel good inside and out?
Can you surf this feeling of relief, and let it take you to somewhere good, instead of investing all these bad feelings in it? Her decisions shouldn't be all about you, and yours shouldn't be all about her.
What do you want for yourself? What will give you joy?
I have to think on that. I've spent so much energy getting her through every crisis that I have gotten to the point where I don't really give much thought to what I want to do. I think right now I'm realizing that there are things I need to stop doing.
loosechickens
12-5-11, 3:43pm
HAH!. In our family, we call this manipulation of folks that your sister does so well, "The Tyranny of Weakness". And there is a wonderful book:
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=Who%27s+Pulling+Your+Strings%3F&x=14&y=17
called Who's Pulling Your Strings? that vaccinated us against this family tyranny FOREVER. I recommend it highly.
Your sister is not ever going to change. The only thing that can change is how YOU react to her and interact with her. Guess what? You don't have any responsibility except to figure out what YOU would really like to do with this great load of seeing your sister through Christmas off your back.
You stay calm, and you simply say, "I'm sorry, but I can't spare any cookies, because I've committed all the ones I'm baking". You say this as many times as necessary, calmly and kindly, regardless of meltdown on the other person's part.
She has trained you nicely over the years to consider HER problems YOUR problems, and to solve them for her, and the only way out of this trap is to simply not play the game.
Think hard about doing something that you would truly enjoy at Christmas, let your sister deal or not deal with it, and rest assured that once she isn't able to manipulate you, she'll figure out how to deal.
The book is great. It works. And life is HUGELY better afterward.
And one more thing.....absolutely DO NOT GIVE HER ANY OF THOSE COOKIES!!!! If you have cookies to spare, pm me and I'll tell you how to send them to ME, hahahahahahaha..... ;-)
After you read that book and put its steps into action, you'll be amazed at how quickly that "tyranny of weakness" stuff just disappears. It disappears because it no longer works. And your sister only does it because it works. I suspect she's gotten people to take over and shepherd her through a whole LOT of stuff with this manipulation. Time to end it. JMHO
I suspect you're going to have a really nice Christmas!!!!!!! Put your thinking cap on, let your imagination run wild, and please yourself for a change.
Gardenarian
12-5-11, 3:50pm
"she can bake her own damn cookies."
Yep.
can't she just BUY some cookies with the money she is saving on cleaning and entertaining?
Thanks Loosechickens. I just bought it with One Click. God's honest truth. Merry Christmas to me! You are so right. She does this because it works for her. I think I'll lend it to her husband when I'm done. She runs him ragged. She just generally makes everyone miserable with her pity party until they do everything for her.
She did invite me to her brother-in-law and his girlfriend's house. Of course she didn't ask them first. But I knew better. They hate her and she hates them. She wanted me there to run interference. I have no desire to put myself in that situation. I just emailed a good friend of mine and asked if I could crash her Christmas dinner. I've done the same for her in years past so I think she'll say yes.
Yikes, your story has me shaking my head. I'm sorry you've had to put up with such dramatics from her, but glad for you that you can put a stop to your participation in them. Do something really nice for yourself, living well is the best revenge. :)
Let us know how you enjoyed your own Christmas and what was important to you when time permits.
jennipurrr
12-5-11, 4:56pm
Read that book in 2008 at Loose Chicken's suggestion....I highly recommend it and have fully incorporated, I'm sorry that won't be possible into my life!
I promise I will let you all know how my Christmas went. I sort of have a plan jelling in my mind. Visit a friend, walk home, light a fire and read the Tyranny of Weakness book. Actually I'd love to find a volunteer effort I could lend some time to. I can't do anything far away because I have to take care of my sister's cats too. UGH.
"Tyranny of weakness" says it all. Everyone has at least one of these "helpless" puppeteers in their life.
Sad Eyed Lady
12-5-11, 5:03pm
Think children who have tantrums. Although it isn't pretty, the parents give in and do what the child wants just to get them into a good mood again. This is the same thing all grown up. Not pretty when a 5 year old does it, and certainly not pretty when a 35 year old does it. Let her grow up and make her own cookies. If she isn't working and you are, then that makes a difference right there. Don't feel guilty - take all the good advise given here and enjoy your holiday the way you want.
Miss Cellane
12-5-11, 5:08pm
Just a thought--you do not have to take care of your sister's cats. There are kennels for that. And bonded pet sitters who come to your home. And neighbors. And teenagers who want to make a few bucks.
It does not have to be you, unless you *choose* to do it.
Miss Cellane, you're right. When she's gone for a day I'll take care of them because I live right across the alley from her and it's not all that tough. But when she's gone for a week in England I'm going to split the job with another of our friends. She's extremely fussy about how the cats get fed which is why teenagers would kind of be an issue. They have to eat right at 7am and then 7pm. The recipe is below and no, I'm not making this up.
1/6 of a can of special food.
1/6 of a can of Fancy Feast (no gravy varieties because they don't like it)
1 scoop each of a special dry food.
One capsule each of some medication.
1/2 a capsule of some other medicine for just one of them.
You store the unused portion of Fancy Feast in the refrigerator.
You store the unused portion of the other canned food in the microwave because it gets too cold in the frige and they won't eat it.
You have to make sure that if the special food is chicken, then the Fancy Feast has got to be chicken or they don't like it. All foods must match.
I swear, I've made gourmet recipes less complicated. The only other person she trusts is a Gay friend of ours. He thinks it's kind of extreme also and he's had cats all his life. But when I found out she pays him to do it, I asked how come I don't get paid. It's one thing when it's once in a while for a day or two. She's my sister and very good to me in some ways. I'm not a total jerk. But just this year she's been to California twice, Florida, Italy for 16 days, somewhere else I forget and now it will be Chicago twice and England for a week. And Florida again in January. And just for the record, she goes into meltdown for each of these trips as well. It's just so stressfull packing. She has agreed to pay me when she's in England. A small victory for me.
Sounds like you're ready to really start setting some boundaries with her. Be prepared though, she won't like it. If you've not had clear boundaries before and are just now thinking of setting limits, she'll throw all kinds of "you know what" at you in an attempt to get you to back off to your old ways. And she'll keep doing it if you show any kind of weakness. Be strong! And consequently merry!
Simpler at Fifty
12-5-11, 7:42pm
“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”
― Mark Twain
There are professional petsitters who show up EXACTLY when you ask them to show up, and give medications as part of their daily work lives. Sounds like she can more than afford it -- consider letting her take responsibility for that aspect of her life as well, and promise to stop by whenever you're able to give them extra petting and love!
Have a wonderful holiday!
The book I highly recommend is The Dance of Anger. When someone changes the dance steps of a relationship, the other person initially gets very upset, and raises the stakes to change the dance back. The main premise is that the ways in which one expresses anger, or doesn't, in a deeply personal relationship keeps the relationship stuck. Change the dance, change the relationship.
I also would like to add that anyone who consistently rescues another adult is subtly communicating the belief that the one being rescued is incompetent. That's a pretty disrespectful message to give to someone.
My two fav phrases I used when my kids were teens - and your sis is exhibiting very early teen like behavior - were these:
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry this is hard. I have every confidence that you'll make it through.
Good luck determining your healthy adult boundaries and sticking with them... it's really, really worth it!
I'm with the others. Tell her you'll be busy at Christmas, and she'll have to hire a petsitter. Did you pet sit when she took all the other trips this year? You've done more than enough for her. Also, I'm guessing that the cats would probably eat just dry food if they were hungry enough.
... and I imagine you know how you feel about it all, but aren't really sure how to express your feelings. How you "should" feel is irrelevant. Feelings & should don't belong in the same sentence!
dramatics is all your sis is....now go and enjoy Christmas even if it is all by yourself...you will be better company than all the dramatics........
chrisgermany
12-6-11, 3:55am
Do not wait till Christmas to read the book.
Read it directly after arrival, implement the first measures directly (as a gift to yourself) and use the holidays to plan some more measures.
Happy holidays!
I'm not making excuses for her, and I'm not a psychiatrist, but it sounds to me like she probably has some pretty major mental health issues. The obsession about how the cats are fed is one sign -- very OCDish. The overcommitment followed by total meltdowns is another -- sounds almost bipolar. I would not be surprised if you told us she has an eating disorder -- seems like that would fit the pattern, too.
Anyway, you have plenty of validation here that this is NOT NORMAL and if you need us to be the tough guys and tell you to STOP GIVING IN TO HER we will! You deserve better, and so does she. What a miserable way to live a life. You will be doing her a favor if you stop giving in to her demands. And doing yourself a favor, too.
lhamo
flowerseverywhere
12-6-11, 8:38am
Charity you sound like a very sweet person. One who deserves to have people be nice to you back.
I have cats and my vet told me to only feed them high quality dry food, they are extremely happy and healthy so it can be done simply if you choose. Then one of my friends son married a vet and she feeds her cats exclusively dry food. A crazy food concoction like she has is obviously made up by the person who feeds them not to meet the cats needs but their own.
I agree with the book suggestion, and you need to start being good to yourself. Most of us have certain restrictions in our lives, we need to work around children, spouses, jobs, caring for a house etc. so we can't do whatever we want whenever we want. But no matter what each of us can take some time to put ourselves first. If you enjoy baking fancy cookies, by all means do so and then do exactly what you want with them. Take a walk, read a book, whatever you choose to spend your special time doing is worth it. Even if it is watching the evening news- what limited time you have you deserve to spend how you want to.
And as far as the cookies go, not your problem. Your problem is to have a nice holiday, take care of yourself and spend your energy on things that will benefit those who appreciate it.
Keep the cookies. And I would tell her I was maybe planning to take a trip myself, so, hire a pet sitter. If she finds out you just stayed home, well, you changed your mind.
Thanks everyone for all your sage advice. I am well aware that I have helped create this monster. There are reasons why it was so easy to get sucked in.
My sister is very competent, intelligent and creative when she wants to be. She was also sexually abused from age 8 to 10 by my brother who is 8 years older and it had a profound effect on her. She has been through years of counseling. Our brother has no remorse, and in fact called her a few years ago to tell her how much he enjoyed those warm exciting memories. My mother completely sides with my brother. So I am basically the only family my sister has. Combine that with being identical twins and it's a very complicated dynamic. It was a protective instinct in me that made me put up with what I have.
That being said, I assure you I will burn the midnight oil reading the book when it comes. I actually went on amazon and you could read portions of it and the very first profile they gave of people who do this was almost dead on. When she's happy she is terrific to be around. When she is unhappy, she will start freezing you out, escalate to being rude and ultimately, if she doesn't get her way, she'll throw a full out tantrum in which she insists that you don't care about her, you're neglecting her, and if you disagree she accuses you of thinking she's crazy. I can see the behaviour coming and recognize what she's trying to do. I just don't have the instructions on how to shut it down.
I did stand up to her earlier in the year when my best friend wanted to come to her house to watch fireworks, she didn't have the nerve to say no, and then spent the entire weekend trying to manipulate me into doing it for her. I would not. That was on a weekend. By Tuesday she was so out of control because I wouldn't apologize for not doing her dirty work, that she called her husband who was working 140 miles away and forced him to come home because now it was all his fault. It took a good week and a half before she went back to normal whebn she finally realized I wasn't going to take responsibility for her not saying no if she didn't want company. But it was exhausting dealing with her in the meantime. That's what I need to learn to ignore.
Parenthetically, dry cat food is mostly grain and as far from natural feline fare as I can imagine. And how would any of us like to spend our lives eating dry kibble? Ugh. Carry on.
Simplemind
12-6-11, 12:15pm
After your post about what happened with your brother and your mother. That you two are twins, things are begining to make more sense. I suddenly have a lot of sympathy for your sister and don't see this acting out coming from immaturity and selfishness. I would venture to bet that she is still suffering from the trauma your brother imposed on her. Very hard to ever put it behind you when you are still related and he calls to emotionally abuse her again. No help from mom....
I'm sure she does have a very low threshold for frustration and gets overwhelmed when the wind changes direction. Just because you don't see the wound doesn't mean she isn't dealing with it daily. That doesn't give her the right to ride you like a circus pony but it does explain why she tries to push things off on others when she feels she can't control what is happening around her. She lost the ultimate control to your brother. He still hovers. Everybody moved on with their busy lives and she is still trapped. You never get that feeling of security back. I feel her pain.
As do I simplemind. I really do get it, which is why I've been slow to take a stand for myself. This holiday season just somehow pointed up to me that I need to stop only focusing on what's going on with her. I think the fact that she switched on a dime to suddenly not doing Christmas when it was determined that my daughter and her family weren't coming pointed out that having me over for Christmas had far less meaning for her than having everyone else over. It made me feel like once there wasn't the pressure of her making dinner and needing my physical help, I held no value. She didn't need me anymore. It never even occured to her that I'd be completely alone on Christmas Day. It ocurred to my BIL, but not her.
Family dynamics are sooo complex! My fav family quote, from comedienne Kate Clinton is "That's why they call families nuclear!"
You are deeply connected to your sis and her struggles, which is completely natural. What will it feel like to step back from her pain, as it is hers & no one else's, and be present to her in love while not rescuing her? When I started doing this (still learning too) in my own family dramas, what I discovered was that I had to work very hard to manage my own anxiety about my sis falling apart.
In my case, my sis was married to an abuser, and though she eventually got free, for YEARS it undid me. To the point that my husband asked me to find someone else to whom I could freak out about it, as I burned him out. I even debated taking her kids away from her. And my sis was not interested in my remedies! Darn her anyway... :)
She figured it out. She got free. The kids are fine. What I learned was this: it was HER business! MY business was to love her, stay connected, and deal with my own reactivity and freak outs over her life. The challenge for me has been staying close while remaining detached from her stuff. I got a huge dose of it all, because I also married a man whose ex is bipolar, and I decided (16 years ago) that it was my job to rescue him & the kids.
I jumped into the fire and had the perfect storm of circumstances to heal my own codependency, learned from my family of origin. And my husband was not interested in being told he was incompetent to take care of HIS children, which was the message I was giving him by attempting to control & rescue. What I was doing was assuaging my own anxiety, and it really did not help anyone.
My family, especially my parents, operate on worry. I used to wake up every day with anxiety as my first experience. Nice way to greet the day, huh? I've trained myself out of that, but it took some time... And my mom still calls me with that tone in her voice asking, "Have you heared from your sister?" ummm, yea, and she has a cell, and you can call her any time you want to!
I was the family caretaker, as the first born, and it has been H.A.R.D. to step back from that. However, at age 56, I can say that I have done it, and let me tell you, it has been worth it! I have successfully stepped back from our family of origin norm of anxiety, worry, & caretaking as the primary expressions of love, while staying close to my family and loving them for who they are without rescuing them, seeing them as victims or as persecutors. If you don't know the victim/persecutor/hero triangle, check it out. Being locked into this triangle demeans everyone.
I hope you get to spend Christmas with people you love. If you spend one christmas alone, consider it an investment in a future of a better, more connected relationship with your sister. It will be worth it! Blessings on both of you.
Chiming in a little late here, but "she can make her own damn cookies" sounds like the first step in a very positive journey! Who knows, it might even help your sister to finally confront some of these issues. Either way, good for you Charity! Merry Christmas!!!
Simplemind
12-6-11, 1:42pm
If you held no value then why did she still want to spend the holiday with you? A holiday where nothing was being asked of you since it is being hosted by somebody else. Oh yes, it is because she is hated there and you are being used as a shield. Then there are your own children. They aren't having Christmas with her but they also aren't having Christmas with you. Why not start a family tradition with your own family?
She asks you to join that party without asking the host. You also mention a friend of yours wanting to go to her house for firewords and her not wanting that and having a problem with saying no. Since she obviously didn't invite her and she was your friend how did you figure into the party crashing? You point out that she is leaving you alone as if she is responsible for you. Have Christmas they way it suits you. Try hosting your own children. If her holiday drama is too much for you then by all means tell her that you can't handle the stress and she of all people should understand that. She can hire help and cat sitters. The two of you can share a quiet moment after all the wrapping paper settles. You are twins and there seems to be boundary issues on both sides. God bless and keep the peace.
My daughter isn't coming because she is going to her father's house and it's 140 miles away. That's perfectly fair as she was with me last Christmas. I will see her on Christmas Eve. Unfortunately that's high cost of divorces on kids. Kids end up traveling endlessly between households. We deal with it as equitably as we can.
As for the situation with my friend, she asked my sister and BIL directly when we were at an event together. She wanted to bring her elderly parents to see the fireworks from my sister's yard. I wasn't part of the conversation. According to my sister she initially said it probably wouldn't work. My friend pressed the issue and my sister gave in. It had absolutely nothing to do with me. It was their conversation alone. I was actually talking to someone else at the time and was unaware of it till later. That's why I wouldn't step in to solve the problem of her not standing up to my friend and saying no. I felt like I was being asked to be the bad guy in that situation.
I don't think she's responsible for me. As I said in my very first post, I don't know how to feel about it. I think I'm a little irked that she was pretty much listing off what I had to do for her so she could be ready for the holiday on time, and all of a sudden she no longer needed that so there wasn't a whole lot of thought about what the change of plans would mean for me. It was actually my BIL that suggested I could come with them. Those are the feelings I'm trying to sort out.
For what it's worth, I asked a very good friend of mine down the street if I could come to her house and she has welcomed me with open arms by email a little bit ago. She lives down the block from me. And I'm delighted to know another couple who I am great friends with will be there too. I'd much rather be there than in the tension of where my sister will be. I think that makes me perfectly normal. And I do intend to have a merry Christmas. I just have some sorting out to do. We've all been there.
"We've all been there." Indeed we have!
Well i certainly know a good use for those cookies now! :idea: Merry Christmas!
loosechickens
12-6-11, 3:56pm
Sounds like you have a good plan, and a nice Christmas to look forward to, which is a good first step.
This situation with your sister is not something that will resolve itself magically, and surely the two of you are engaged in a dance of codependency (complicated by the fact that you are twins, and the most unfortunate situation of her abuse by your brother), that has been going on for many years, so it will be difficult to extricate yourself from it.
BUT....that said, the dance can only continue when two people dance. Once you begin to set boundaries, look within yourself to see how you help perpetuate the pattern, and make changes so that you are no longer "dancing", and things can get better. There really IS a huge open area of life where you can have a loving relationship with your sister, yet not be involved in a co-dependency situation.
Redfox gives excellent insights, and we've all been there to some degree or another with our own relationships with family, so don't feel like the Lone Ranger.......the Who's Pulling Your Strings?" book has some excellent insights, and also practical advice as to exactly how to go about effecting change.
You can't really do anything to change your sister, but you CAN change how you interact with her, and in the end, that will probably be the kindest and best thing you can do for both of you, although I'm sure that when you begin to implement your changes, there may well be lots of "acting out" on her part to get you back into the usual pattern. But just stay calm, remember that you love your sister, but that your relationship with her has developed in less than healthy ways, and that it's not good for either of you to keep on like that.
Here's wishes for you to have a wonderful Christmas with your friends, and armed with some knowledge and nuts and bolts ideas of how to proceed, find yourself with a better and healthier relationship with your sister in the coming year.
... As I said in my very first post, I don't know how to feel about it. I think I'm a little irked that she was pretty much listing off what I had to do for her so she could be ready for the holiday on time, and all of a sudden she no longer needed that so there wasn't a whole lot of thought about what the change of plans would mean for me. It was actually my BIL that suggested I could come with them. Those are the feelings I'm trying to sort out.
You are getting good advice here so I don't want to beat you up, but redfox touched on this earlier and you need to pay attention:
This situation will never be resolved unless you stop trying to make decisions based on HOW YOU FEEL.
When you set boundaries with your sister that will FEEL icky and hard and combative and unloving and all kinds of things. Ignore your feelings. If you and your twin have been reacting from a feeling place rather than proactively treating each other with respect and dignity, keeping in mind what you will or will not do, you will have to re-learn healthy interaction.
The first thing you can do is to stop wringing your hands about the dilemma of how you feel. That won't move you to a positive place. You've posted several times about how many people, not just your sister, take advantage of you. Only you have the power to make that change. When you dropped your friend who "made" you go on vacation with her, that was a positive (though hard!) thing, right? It's more of the same for you, my pretty! (insert evil laugh here) but someday we will get you to a fully autonomous state of mind!
Simplemind
12-7-11, 2:03am
Charity I was a bit confused by your posts so I went back and read some previous history. Your situation is a bit more clear to me now. Although you and your sister are identical twins you couldn't be more different. Even though your relationship is dysfunctional you are still lucky to have each other since your mother and brother are obviously out of the picture. I can't begin to imagine the feelings of torn loyalty as you attempted to maintain a relationship with your mom for those years. I hear your frustration and understand your fear about losing her if you become independant. You must be made of some strong stuff to have made it through your childhood unscathed by your brother. Redfox gave great advise and I hope you gain some insight from the book. Good luck
Thanks Simplemind. My childhood was tough, although not as tough as it was on my sister. You all will probably think I'm crazy but for a long time I felt guilty that my brother abused her and not me. He'd beat me up plenty, but never actually sexually abused me. Once I even asked him why. So if I have a hard time walking away from the drama, I think it's sometimes that guilt rearing it's ugly head again. And to an extent my sister plays on that because when I do stand up to her she'll often resort to bringing her abuse as a means of telling me I just don't get it. I can't wait to get the book. I think with a some new skill sets I'll be able to slowly unlace the dancing shoes. I just don't want to do that abruptly and hurtfully to her.
Thanks Simplemind. My childhood was tough, although not as tough as it was on my sister. You all will probably think I'm crazy but for a long time I felt guilty that my brother abused her and not me. He'd beat me up plenty, but never actually sexually abused me. Once I even asked him why. So if I have a hard time walking away from the drama, I think it's sometimes that guilt rearing it's ugly head again. And to an extent my sister plays on that because when I do stand up to her she'll often resort to bringing her abuse as a means of telling me I just don't get it. I can't wait to get the book. I think with a some new skill sets I'll be able to slowly unlace the dancing shoes. I just don't want to do that abruptly and hurtfully to her.
What you're referencing is called survivor's guilt. It's a well known & well researched phenomenon, and a solid therapist will help you come to terms with it, and support you as you learn to stay in loving connection with family while you set & sustain healthy boundaries.
I strongly encourage engaging a therapist with expertise in family sexual abuse, as a consultant to your journey. It will help immensly. I imagine you've already thought of this...
Blessings!
My two fav phrases I used when my kids were teens - and your sis is exhibiting very early teen like behavior - were these:
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry this is hard. I have every confidence that you'll make it through.
!
OH MY GOSH! I love this! I think I'll be using this one with my boys.
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