Picky Eaters

[cattledog]

I have an almost 3 y.o. child. She has developed some very picky eating habits which drive me crazy and I'm not sure how to solve.

She absolutely won't eat any fruits or vegetables unless they are pureed (i.e. applesauce, baby food etc.). I gave her a slice of apple once and she spit it out and vomited. She will drink fruit juices, but we only let her have milk or water at home.

She goes to daycare and they say she doesn't always eat everything there either.

Here is what I can feed her that she likes and that are somewhat healthy:

Cheese, peanut butter, milk, yogurt, wheat toast, oatmeal, applesauce and super-pureed carrots.

That's it. She won't try new foods. I try to introduce new foods, but they don't get eaten. She doesn't actually seem that interested in eating. I still seem to have lingering food hang-ups that I still haven't fully resolved, so I'm very hesitant to push foods or force her to eat against her will or make her clean her plate.

I don't know what to try to get her to eat healthier foods. She sees her parents eating fruits and vegetables and DH and I are not picky at all.

Is this normal for someone her age? I see kids in her classroom eating whole apples and it makes me think I'm doing something wrong. I don't want to raise a picky eater.

[Zoebird]

Well, do some research around the nets, and you'll find this advice from various nutritionists et al:

Let her control how much, you control what.

So, you provide food. She chooses to eat or she doesn't.

A child will not starve themselves. Eventually, they WILL eat, even if it's things they dislike. By catering to her, she has power. She knows she has this power -- your fear that she won't eat is her power. Take that power away, and channel her power properly.

she's not trying to manipulate you. she's just at an age where power and control are part of the game. She's learning about her will. There's nothing wrong with that.

You just have to stay the course. Let tantrums happen. Provide food and she eats it or she doesn't.

I know it's tough, but you can do it. :)

[Zoebird]

also, you might want to find out if she has any special needs. A lot of children with various kinds of special needs (developmental) have certain tactile aversions. so, that might be part of it.

but, baring any developmental needs, this is just an exploration of will and power.

[cattledog]

LOL- I have no doubt that it's becoming a battle of wills. I guess that's what I'm trying to avoid! Ha, ha- I did check the internets and I've tried a lot of those suggestions. Maybe I will have to resort to the eat or not eat option. I just have fears that if I don't nip this in the bud now she'll grow up to be one of those people who turns her nose up at everything or won't eat when she's a guest at someone else's house.

[iris lily]

zoebird's advice sounds right. I don't have kids but it seems to me that if you put a variety of foods in front of her, she will eat when she is hungry. Little kids really do not need much food at one sitting. They need little bits of food several times a day. The 8 items you named seems reasonably balanced to me--a green veg would be nice, but otherwise she's eating a wide range.

[Zoe Girl]

i totally get it, I had a child who basically would NOT eat, weird issues. She just wanted the exact perfect food and then shortly after a meal would throw herself on the floor crying because she was hungry. I took the hard core approach when she got down to 3 foods. I did some calling around and apparently there are no official studies supporting that pushing eating would cause an eating disorder (my sister had one so i was very careful).

Okay so if she is not falling over hungry shortly after a meal then she is probably fine. If under 4 hours she is extremely hungry then i would assume you have an issue rather than just a low appetite. Also with her regular checkups you will see if she has normal growth and development.

It is not odd at all for her to be picky, texture, smell, appearance and taste are all factors. So if she does not like apples she and she likes applesauce with a different texture, or dried apples, or apples cooked in oatmeal, then she is not allergic, just picky. However if you feel it is a stubborn issue than you can address is another way. I had this out with my daughter, not always the recommended way but you know the personality of your child. So not the old fashioned way of sitting at the table until you finish everything, however I made dinners and included some things that were not her favorites but also were not allergy foods. So that was dinner and she ate what she was willing to, then an hour later when she was starving I warmed up the food again and put it back on the table. It may have 2 foods she liked and another one that was a challenge. We really battled it out for a few weeks. Maybe move to chuinky applesauce or oatmeal cooked with apple chunks ( here is my recipe, old fashioned oats cooked in apple juice instead of water, some raisins and cinamon, but no sugar, I would add small apple chunks).

Okay there is my idea based on 21 years of kids and daycare kids and being 'crazy auntie anne' to many more. And it is worthwhile and not over the top to write a plan over a month and keep track of what happens. There will be food you just give up on, like a daycare kid who never woudl eat macaroni and cheese! Other kids asked me what i was doing with those 'weeds' when i made a salad. It is a challenge!! Check back and tell me how it is going, since this is my profession I would be happy to help

[Zoebird]

my little kid eats three huge meals a day and usually two snacks. he eats like a teenage boy. i have no idea what i got myself into, do i?

yesterday, three fillets of fish (yes!) plus cut veggies plus berries and yogurt for dinner. For breakfast this morning, 4 scrambled eggs plus mixed steamed veggies (steamed in bone broth), plus 1/2 cup bone broth plus two pieces of shoulder bacon plus two bowls of berries and yogurt.

lunch, venison burger with mustard and mayo plus 2 cups steamed broccoli plus kiwifruit and orange. for dinner we are having chicken and veggies.

The boy EATS and has a diverse palate. Seriously, eats like a teenager.

He's currently sword fighting and singing "moves like jaguar" and not wearing pants. we hope he sleeps well tonight.

[cattledog]

Thank you all for your advice! Her checkups are all fine. She is small, but growing fine and healthy and smart. The other night, DH and I had some stirfry. I put about a tablespoon on rice on her plate and she was so upset!! I thought I should keep it on there just so she would see something on her plate other than peanut butter toast and yogurt. She likes things just so though. From what I've read, that's normal for young children. Part of my problem is that I've never been around kids much and I don't have a lot of friends with children. I'm not really sure what's normal for a kid her age.

Maybe part of the problem is I'm tired by the time dinner rolls around and I'm sure she is too. Mondays through Fridays are hard. We have a long commute and long days. I don't wonder if that's part of it too. I might have better luck with new foods on the weekends.

[cattledog]

Sometimes I try to sneak fruits and veggies into foods she normally likes. For instance, once I made pancakes and added some fresh raspberries. She picked out all the berries. I had to laugh- who doesn't like raspberries???

[Zoebird]

kids are very funny creatures, aren't they? :D

[JaneV2.0]

For God's sake don't turn it into a battle of wills! (It doesn't sound like that's where you're heading, but...) I have a friend whose mother made her sit for hours at the table with uneaten food in front of her. Didn't do much for their long-term relationship.

ETA: I think the "just so" part is a common stage. I remember not wanting foods mixed on my plate as a child. My parents couldn't have been better when it came to encouraging new tastes but not making a battleground of food preferences. Bless their hearts.

[cattledog]

my little kid eats three huge meals a day and usually two snacks. he eats like a teenage boy. i have no idea what i got myself into, do i?

yesterday, three fillets of fish (yes!) plus cut veggies plus berries and yogurt for dinner. For breakfast this morning, 4 scrambled eggs plus mixed steamed veggies (steamed in bone broth), plus 1/2 cup bone broth plus two pieces of shoulder bacon plus two bowls of berries and yogurt.

lunch, venison burger with mustard and mayo plus 2 cups steamed broccoli plus kiwifruit and orange. for dinner we are having chicken and veggies.

The boy EATS and has a diverse palate. Seriously, eats like a teenager.

He's currently sword fighting and singing "moves like jaguar" and not wearing pants. we hope he sleeps well tonight.


That's a lot of food for a kid. 4 eggs especially!

[Zoebird]

you know, you might consider family style. everything in bowls/dishes and then she can serve herself the amounts she wants. then, there's nothing on her plate that she doesn't want.

and, you simply provide what you have. stir fry that night, that's her option. no short order cooking. she will likely NOT eat the first night, but if she does, then good. We tell our son when he gets "picky" (i.e., wanting berries and not the regular dinner) that he can have berries AFTER he eats the regular dinner. It doesn't have to be a lot, but that's what it is. Otherwise, he's just demanding and we're giving in, right?

He will get fussy, freak out, etc, and then . . . eventually. . . he'll sit down and eat the food. Then, he'll get some berries IF he is still hungry.

and usually he isn't, so no worries.

if he wakes up hungry in the night, he can have a banana. that's it. we peel it and hand it to him. he's usually so tired/hungry he just eats the banana. in the morning, he gets breakfast as is. If he were to pick the berries out of his pancakes, so be it, at least he is eating his way, you know? I don't put syrup on mine, so we're allowed our preferences. :)

but otherwise, don't make it any harder on yourself. don't make her a special meal or separate meal. she eats what you eat. :)

[cattledog]

For God's sake don't turn it into a battle of wills! (It doesn't sound like that's where you're heading, but...) I have a friend whose mother made her sit for hours at the table with uneaten food in front of her. Didn't do much for their long-term relationship.

No, I don't do that. I kind of just let her eat as much as she wants until she is full. She tells me when she is hungry and when she's not and I don't make her eat. I guess I'm just concerned that she just eats the same thing over and over and won't try anything else and seems abnormally upset by seeing different foods on her plate. I dunno, maybe what she is eating isn't too bad. I would like to see more vegetables in her diet though.

[Zoebird]

then offer her vegetables and she'll eat or she won't.

we don't have enough in our budget to be short order cooks. we have a meal plan that feeds all of us. so, that's what we eat. so he'll either eat that or nothing at all.

we've taken to having a special sushi day. we can feed the whole family for $15 in sushi. Most people don't like sushi, but the kid loves it. he gets to pick what he likes. Last week he had salmon/avocado, eel, and california roll. boy will eat anything.

the other thing is to be less emotional about it (if you can). she can *read* you. so if you have any anxiety around what she is eating (or not eating), she will read this. see if you can dissipate that emotion, and she'll likely become more relaxed about it all too. she'll realize that she has control of how much and which things on offer, and that will allow her to explore her will.

and yes, DS can come and go from the table (he's so social that he prefers to sit with us until he's finished and/or we are), and he can stop eating and then come back to the food later if he wishes, and so on. :)

[cattledog]

you know, you might consider family style. everything in bowls/dishes and then she can serve herself the amounts she wants. then, there's nothing on her plate that she doesn't want.

and, you simply provide what you have. stir fry that night, that's her option. no short order cooking. she will likely NOT eat the first night, but if she does, then good. We tell our son when he gets "picky" (i.e., wanting berries and not the regular dinner) that he can have berries AFTER he eats the regular dinner. It doesn't have to be a lot, but that's what it is. Otherwise, he's just demanding and we're giving in, right?

He will get fussy, freak out, etc, and then . . . eventually. . . he'll sit down and eat the food. Then, he'll get some berries IF he is still hungry.

and usually he isn't, so no worries.

if he wakes up hungry in the night, he can have a banana. that's it. we peel it and hand it to him. he's usually so tired/hungry he just eats the banana. in the morning, he gets breakfast as is. If he were to pick the berries out of his pancakes, so be it, at least he is eating his way, you know? I don't put syrup on mine, so we're allowed our preferences. :)

but otherwise, don't make it any harder on yourself. don't make her a special meal or separate meal. she eats what you eat. :)

You know, we haven't tried family style yet. That's a good idea. I think I will try that tomorrow and she can eat or not.

[Zoebird]

yeah, it is. but, he is not hungry. And to be sure, he is very tall and very thin. He's 90th percentile for height, 15th percentile for weight. He's trending as he did when he was born, btu he's moved from 10th percentile in weight to 15th.

he's also VERY active, and his father's metabolism is through the roof as well (Dh eats about 3000 cals/day). i eat around 1500.

the kid often eats more than i do, but between DH and myself. And then, he'll fast for a day or to (the kid, not DH). this is ok. it doesn't worry me.

other people get freaked out. we don't eat grains, so people get concerned. he does eat potatoes, sweet potatoes, squash of all kinds, root veggies, etc. No worries there. he gets lots of carbs. about 50% of his diet is healthy fats, about 30% protein and 20% carbohydrates from fruits and veggies.

healthy as a horse, smart as a whip, tall and thin. smart and strong-willed as well. preference for nudity and sunshine. sleeps 12 hours a night like a log. potty independent, etc.

so, you know. he's doing ok. :)

[Zoebird]

i forgot strong as an ox and stubborn as a mule, too. LOL

today, he moved an oak pallet with his dad. it's HEAVY. he was like "no worries dad!" he also liked moving furniture, carrying rocks around, and is into strong-man competitions. His big thing right now is his "atlas stones" which are bricks and largish rocks from the beach that he likes to lift onto different levels that he created in the back yard. he's a riot.

he also loves hiking, and currently can manage about 7 kms before getting too tired in the legs. And this is with variation -- uphill, down hill, up hill, down hill. He just enjoys it.

next up, i need to teach him to swim.

seriously, i have no idea what i signed up for.

[JaneV2.0]

Some people--"tasters"--are really put off by a lot of vegetables they find strong-flavored or bitter. Maybe a lot of children have similar issues.

[Zoebird]

children do have a lot more taste buds than adults. it's a protective measure, so that they are less likely to consume rancid/poisonous foods. pretty cool.

switching to organic can help. organic veggies -- even ones that are traditionally bitter -- tend to taste much sweeter. and of course, proper food prep goes a long way. overcooking can lead to more bitterness. dips and sauces can help cut the bitter as well.

[AmeliaJane]

For the record, I hate having my plate fixed for me, and I'm 40 (and an eclectic eater.) It just feels really controlling to me. So maybe there is something to family-style.

My nephew went through a picky period. My SIL's rule was that he didn't have to try more than one bite of everything, but that rudeness about the food offered brought instant discipline. Nephew came up with a couple of polite "no thank yous" (cute as a button). He is still not that fond of fruit and veggies, but he is not food-resistant or difficult.

[loosechickens]

Edited to add: This is not to be construed as specific to the OPs child or any particular person, just my general outlook after seeing a huge number of children in this country who run complete power trips on their parents, who are left hanging over them begging them to eat just a bite or two of something, or who are busily preparing special meals for a child who just won't touch what the rest of the family is eating. Not intended to be anything but my own rant, on a particular subject that gets my knickers in a big twist, all too often. ;-)

Boy, I'm going to be unpopular here, but this is a special "hobbyhorse" to me, having seen so many relatives' and friends' children who are picky eaters here.

In the years we lived in Mexico and various Central American countries and were exposed to literally hundreds of children, those of friends we'd made, those we came in contact with through our volunteer work for Solar Cookers, etc., I can tell you that I NEVER ONCE encountered a "picky eater". If you put food in front of any of those kids, they ate it. Food was a precious resource and even the tiniest of children knew that.

I'm sorry, but I'm of the school that says, here is the food, and if the child doesn't eat it, it's taken away calmly, and food simply isn't offered until the next mealtime. When whining happens, "I'm hungry", that same calm adult says, "hmmmmm....sounds like you should have eaten at lunch. It's only a short time until dinner", again ignoring whining, tantrums, etc. I guarantee you once that kid is actually hungry, food will look good enough to eat.

If it's become a power issue, the kid may take it to the max, but no kid every really starved to death. When they are hungry, they will eat, especially if you quit making a big deal of it. Hey, if I could get my sweetie to fix whatever I wanted, exactly how I wanted it, and could control him by refusing to eat unless the crusts were cut off just so, or my milk was in a particular favored mug, I'd probably exercise all that power myself. Why wouldn't a child, who often feels powerless, and has found an area where he or she can wind adults around their little fingers, begging them to "just try one bite", or making special foods for them "because they just won't eat the family meal".

Bah, humbug.......short of dropping them into some rural Central American village where the average family has about $200 per year in income, so they could learn first hand how precious food being available is, or sending them here to me for a stint in "Aunt Nancy's Boot Camp", just ignoring the pickiness, offering food and if uneaten, not offering any again until time for the next meal and letting those kids get good and hungry, will work wonders.....

O.K. let the flames begin.... ;-) Because I have no patience at all with these delicate little flowers of children who are catered to like this, run power trips on their parents, and could learn early in life to be glad to have food, if their attempts at running the family weren't tolerated.

All those kids we've known over the years in Mexico, etc., would be AMAZED at this kind of stuff, as would their parents. I can't tell you how many times I've bitten my tongue practically in half as a relative worried because Poopsy just wouldn't eat anything except boiled spaghetti with a particular brand of butter on it, or would only snack on a few preferred foods, which had to be made especially for him or her, or friends wrung their hands, worried that their child wouldn't get the proper nutrition because they just "refused" to eat any healthy food.

Our kids were always good eaters, although I watched in disbelief as their cousins wound their parents up regularly, and had a list of things they wouldn't touch, a mile long, necessitating the parents to often bring their own special foods to family gatherings so the little darlings would be accomodated. With ours, they ate whatever was cooked, each had a few things they didn't really like, and they only had to eat a few bites of the foods they didn't like, but whining wasn't allowed, refusal to eat simply resulted in no food until the next meal, and it only took a few instances of that before my kids pretty much ate as well as all the Mexican and Central Americans kids we met later in life. Because they never had the CHANCE to control the adults and work that power trip. It's really hard on a two or three year old to put him in charge of the family, which is really what is happening in most cases that I've observed. Because THEY are making the food decisions and determining the menu, which is really not a child's job, but the parents'.

Feel free to consider me worse than the Grinch that Stole Christmas.......I've had relatives that thought me completely heartless, yet were amazed when their kids visited us and after a couple of weeks pretty much no longer had eating problems. Because we just didn't allow them to call the shots. And pretty much anyone will eat if they get hungry enough.

Please note, I'm certainly not saying that you don't make an effort to supply some favorite foods, or that you insist on a diet of brussels sprouts, only that these power trips not be enabled, and kids learn to be glad for food, enjoy it and stop using it as a way to control adults. There needn't be a battle of wills, and in fact there shouldn't be, only that a system of "here's what is for dinner" be offered, the kid allowed to eat or not as he likes of what is offered, but no more food be offered or available until the next mealtime. The problem solves itself.

[mtnlaurel]

Cattledog - I so feel your pain

My 3.5 dd is very similar. I don't have any advice/experience beyond what's already been given. I do my best to not give too much power to the situations and just figure she will come around over time.

I LOVE the suggestion of family style meals (meaning kids serve themselves) and will try that.
My daughter's personality is such that if I convince her that it's HER idea to do anything then it's OK. On matters of safety or such I impose my will on her... but she can't be 'broken' easily, if you know what I mean.
AmeliaJane -- I am the same way about making my own plate. My in-laws make plates up for the diners and it really gets under my skin for some reason. (Maybe my apple hasn't fallen too far from the tree! ;)
I too work hard with my daughter to channel her NOs to No Thank you.

My 7 yo son on the other hand -- easy, breezy, loves his veggies, can push away a piece of cake because "it's too chocolaty" --- huh, I didn't even know 'too chocolaty' was an adjective!
With him we always asked that he try one bite of everything on his plate - and he would, no big deal.
He was born small so I have always just fed, fed, fed him - anytime of day/night -- and he's an uber active boy with a metabolism of a hummingbird.

[sweetana3]

I wonder if this is where our parents statements about "starving kids in XXX country" came from in the 50s. My mom worked hard to get balanced meals on the table and with a big family, if you did not eat your share someone else would. I know for an absolute fact that no one would make me a special meal unless I was really sick.

[Rosemary]

Arg, I just lost a long response due to a network glitch. I will try to regenerate it now...

In general, I agree that food should be regarded as a gift and a resource. But in our society of abundant and omnipresent junk food, it is difficult to teach this to children.

However, there are some kids who have problems with food that go beyond simple preferences, taste, etc. Occupational therapy can help with this. A friend of mine sought help for her very picky son at age 5 because his tastes were not expanding at all and he would only really eat a few things. I think the office said they suggested that they treat any child who had less than 10 foods that they would eat. If I recall correctly, here is how the system they taught her works: first introduction, put a spoon of the food on the child's plate. That's all. Next time, child touches it with finger. Next time, child touches it to tongue. Next time, child eats one bite. I don't know if there was some kind of reward chart that went along with this. This particular child is highly sensitive in other ways as well, and this was apparent from a fairly early age. He has an older brother who eats "normally," so it was fairly easy to see that in this case it was the child, not the food system. I think his biggest issue with most foods was/is textures. Using this system has helped their family a lot - he is now more open to trying new foods, and they all understand the issues somewhat better.

[cattledog]

I do agree with everyone and I don't care for this pickiness. It's really kind of bizarre because she will eat things like strong blue cheese or venison sausage, but she won't eat a mashed potato (huh?). I am going to start the family style dinner tonight. Thanks for the suggestion.

I remember a couple years back someone I knew prepared spaghetti differently for her kiddo (because the kid didn't like tomato sauce). I remember thinking how ridiculous that was and here I am headed down that same route.

Well at least she is two and not six. There's still time to turn this around!

[leslieann]

Hi, cattledog, I can appreciate your struggle.

I don't have much to add except the sort of parental psychology part. If you can stop the worries about long term outcomes for your child and stop thinking "she's picky" or "I don't want to have a picky eater" that would probably help you to relax and that would make this whole thing less burdensome. Okay, so you can't really make yourself stop thinking those things but you CAN notice and say to yourself, oh, there I go again, predicting the future....or, oops, there goes my thinking, judging what's happening now...or some other way to both NOTICE your thoughts and just touch them and let them go.

Really, her behaviour at this age isn't necessarily predictive of any long term problem. We parents can often make a temporary perturbation into a problem by how we think (and thus react).

I hope that's a little helpful....even if changing your thoughts/feelings about the situation doesn't change the situation, it will help you to relax about it and that's worth something.

Best wishes!

[JaneV2.0]

"I do agree with everyone and I don't care for this pickiness. It's really kind of bizarre because she will eat things like strong blue cheese or venison sausage, but she won't eat a mashed potato (huh?). "

Clearly, you have a budding low carber on your hands!:)

[Stella]

I agree with the others. If it makes you feel better toddlers are notorious for experimenting with picky eating. Honestly, if they aren't in a growth spurt they really don't need much food to meet their nutritional needs, so I always try to keep that in mind when it seems like a toddler isn't eating much or goes on a food jag.

I have four, soon to be five kids, and my strategy is this. Breakfast is usually a casual affair where we get to pick what we want. James, who is 2.5 and my pickiest kid, almost always has cottage cheese and a banana. Lunch and dinner are family style and we eat what I make or don't eat. I have a suggestion box for the older kids where they can put in their requests and I take them into consideration in meal planning, but what is served each day is my choice. First must be finished before they get seconds of anything. James sometimes eats a lot and sometimes doesn't eat at all. We usually have a snack in the afternoon, almost always a fruit, vegetable or green smoothie (even James loves these) and even kids who didn't eat lunch can have a snack.

They all have slightly different eating habits. Cheyenne will eat a good portion at all meals and snacks and doesn't have much in the way of food dislikes. Bella has some food dislikes, red onions and avocados in particular. She has some foods she likes obsessively, like chicken casserole, tuna sandwiches and salad with poppyseed dressing. She eats a ton at breakfast, a light lunch and a good size snack in the afternoon. James eats a lot of breakfast and is hit or miss the rest of the day, but he's 2 years old and doesn't need as much either. Travis is so far kind of a piglet. He's 8 months old and so far the only thing he's tried and not liked was broccoli soup.

I had a taste of what food issues look like when we visited my grandma last week. She can not stand a kid not eating and would go to all lengths to find them something they wanted in spite of my protests. Bella and James played that to the hilt and she'd make something special only to have them eat only one or two bites of the special thing and ask for something else. Grandma is 86 and there is no arguing with her, so I let it go, but the minute we were on the road again Bella knew better than to try that with me and ate like normal. James went hungry for one day seeing if he could get us to cave to Grandma's rules and the next day ate everything in site. We're off to mom's today and mom is more like me in the feeding department.

[iris lily]

I do agree with everyone and I don't care for this pickiness. It's really kind of bizarre because she will eat things like strong blue cheese or venison sausage, but she won't eat a mashed potato (huh?). I am going to start the family style dinner tonight. Thanks for the suggestion.

I remember a couple years back someone I knew prepared spaghetti differently for her kiddo (because the kid didn't like tomato sauce). I remember thinking how ridiculous that was and here I am headed down that same route.

Well at least she is two and not six. There's still time to turn this around!

That's funny that she will eat blu cheese! It's not that hard to make plain pasta

DH is a somewhat picky eater--there are all kinds of vegetables he will not eat but he grows all of them in his garden! He'll eat most things raw, but not cooked. He says that the texture makes him gag. His mother, a busy farm wife, did make some things separate for him for family meals. He was an otherwise easy, well behaved, and responsible child, so I don't think that all of these food issues are a matter of "will." As an adult he eats a well balanced diet and has great health numbers and is always slim. He doesn't eat junk food.

My mom always said that she wished she would have done the food fighting thing with her kids, that would have turned us off food! ha ha. My brother and I always need to shed a few pounds. We both like just about anything.

[JaneV2.0]

Most of us will go out of our way to accommodate adult picky eaters (we all know a few; some of us are ourselves), so why should children's preferences be considered something to be quashed? I like that so many of you take a pragmatic approach that doesn't veer into a power trip. Good for you.

[loosechickens]

That's really the whole point......that whatever the kid likes or doesn't like to eat is really his or her business, and no power trip need be involved. Nor does a parent turning themselves inside out to provide for exacting desires really help. What helps is that healthy foods are provided, children's likes and dislikes are up to them. They eat or they don't eat, and it's not a big deal or an opportunity for the kids to practice leading parents around by the nose....... food is offered, they eat or don't eat, and when they are hungry, eating will happen. When they aren't, they'll be able to afford to turn their noses up at one thing or another.

But what causes the problems is that when the child doesn't want to eat, the parent becomes anxious, that anxiety is communicated to the child, who instantly sees that as an opportunity to wield power, and you're off to the races.

It's very revealing when you see things like Stella's kids, who were happy to slide right into that with Grandma, but only made a halfhearted attempt to continue it with Mom, because with Mom it just didn't work.

I'm really not hardhearted, and kids always like me, and all our relatives and friends' kids always wanted to visit and stay with us, but they just never got away with that stuff at our house, and were perfectly happy in spite of it.

We had one relative that, I swear, at any given time, you had a three year old surrounded with three adults, both parents and Grandma, cajoling, offering to fix special foods, wringing their hands over their concerns that the child was going to starve or develop malnutrition. While I would see, "hmmmmmm.....she wouldn't eat any lunch, everybody worried about that, so all afternoon, they kept offering her everything from cheese sticks to cookies to try to get her to eat, and she ate some, which means that now dinnertime has rolled around again, she's not hungry and the dance resumes"........while I went into the bathroom and practically stuffed a washcloth in my mouth as a gag so I wouldn't say anything, because the one time I tried to point out the real power trip the child had managed to achieve, I "just didn't understand", and "Poopsy, (not her real name) is just delicate".....HAH.....when Poopsy visited US, and discovered that the highly colored, sweet and artifically flavored yogurt she favored was not available, within a couple of days was happily mashing a ripe banana into her plain organic yogurt, putting on a bit of maple syrup because she wanted it a bit sweeter than us, and never missed that horrible yogurt she just HAD to have, according to her mom, UNTIL she went back home and Mom was there, willing to provide it........

[Zoebird]

loosechickens,

i used to 'reset' children for parents in the same way, so you'll notice that no one flamed you about the process? :D it's exactly what we do. this is the food we are eating, you eat it or you don't eat. it makes for pretty adventurous eaters (*unless there is a developmental issue -- such as mentioned before with occupational therapy being involved*).

it will sort itself, too. it usually does. :)

[Mrs-M]

Try, try again, is my adage. It's all about steps and stages, and the reintroduction of certain foods at intervals. None of my kids were ever picky when it came to eating, however, whenever I encountered resistance, I'd drop that food group from their menu for a time, then reintroduce it again, later, and my success rate was excellent!

[mira]

I don't have children myself, but all of the advice I've seen on this topic from various sources pretty much echoes what loosechickens was saying - you try what's in front of you, try new foods, or you don't eat at all until the next meal. The kids are going to give up the control game eventually; they're not going to let themselves starve. Also, it seems to help if parents don't make a huge deal out of it by not continually drawing attention to the food/eating and not becoming visibly frustrated/anxious or pandering to the child's every whim.

There were certain things I would not eat as a kid and used to make myself gag if I had to put it in my mouth, haha. I'm not a picky eater now though. Looking back, I think I had reason not to like over-boiled broccoli and boxed mashed potatoes though... ugh! :)

[AmeliaJane]

I just recently came across this blog: http://pickyniki.wordpress.com/ about an adult picky eater who made the resolution to try a new food every day leading up to her 40th birthday. It was really fascinating...some of it clearly was psychological (because she found some things she liked that she had assumed she wouldn't) but others really were about texture, etc. I did feel bad that she didn't have a really good cook making some of these things for her. I got the sense from a few entries that if she'd had a good homemade version instead of boxed/processed, she might have liked them better. And I have to give the writer a TON of credit for being willing to push her own boundaries.

[puglogic]

I remember a couple years back someone I knew prepared spaghetti differently for her kiddo (because the kid didn't like tomato sauce). I remember thinking how ridiculous that was and here I am headed down that same route.

Cattledog, I was a kid like that. But by the time I got to my 20's, I was eating red sauce like it was going out of style. There was something about it when I was little - it felt and tasted acidic, burny. There were many picky things that my parents tolerated, sometimes flexing, sometimes not, but I never went hungry and grew up to be a strong, muscular young woman. In hindsight a lot of it was a power trip -- I simply didn't want to do what I didn't want to do, and exercised that through tears and non-eating. I respect you for searching out solutions!

[cattledog]

Update: I served dinner family style tonight. Nothing fancy. Just meatballs in sauce, rice and roasted vegetables. We sat down and immediately she asked for toast! I just said, "No, this is what we are having" and eventually she ate a couple spoonfuls of rice. Woot! She didn't eat much and will be hungry tomorrow. It's good though. She's learning (and I am too :)).

[Zoebird]

awesome!

[loosechickens]

yay, cattledog....keep it up, stay calm, never let her see that you are suffering any anxiety about whether she eats or not, calmly offer what's for dinner, prevent her from eating until the next meal if possible, to ensure she's hungry when it's mealtime, and in a very short time, you'll be surprised how this beginnings of a power trip have fizzled out, and everybody happier. As an old friend who was a midwife used to say, "it's hard work for a three year old to be placed in charge, and way too much responsibility for them", hahahahaha

good luck......it really isn't hard.....just never let 'er see ya sweat......

[iris lily]

...As an old friend who was a midwife used to say, "it's hard work for a three year old to be placed in charge, and way too much responsibility for them", hahahahaha

.
This is true for dogs, too. A little dog who is allowed to be in charge of her home is neurotic and unhappy.

[mtnlaurel]

I just recently came across this blog: http://pickyniki.wordpress.com/ about an adult picky eater who made the resolution to try a new food every day leading up to her 40th birthday. It was really fascinating...some of it clearly was psychological (because she found some things she liked that she had assumed she wouldn't) but others really were about texture, etc. I did feel bad that she didn't have a really good cook making some of these things for her. I got the sense from a few entries that if she'd had a good homemade version instead of boxed/processed, she might have liked them better. And I have to give the writer a TON of credit for being willing to push her own boundaries.

I took a peek at this yesterday, the drawings are so sweet.
I just looked at 2 pgs -- she's trying some yummy foods!

[lmerullo]

I wholeheartedly agree with the sentiment that a small child will not starve themselves when an approach to eating such as this is enstated. I do have to state that most of us have much larger expectations of a little one's needs, though. I believe the generic statement of one tablespoon of each item per year of age for a child is an appropriate serving size. I know kids that can willingly indulge in much larger servings of the things they like.

With my grandkids, I have some rather loose rules: must try two bites of an item that is new. Try to eat all of the food on your plate before asking for seconds (this is for the kid who will gorge on the entree and not have room for veggies ). Rarely, I have been known to cover a plate and have it make a re-appearance at the next meal - if only to prove the point that I don't really care if you eat with us, as long as you eat eventually. This took two times, and the kid decided things were much nicer fresh, and he didn't want to miss the next meal since the previous one was uneaten.

I agree with the power struggle too - but my granddaughter (age 2.5) does have a thing about certain foods. She doesn't like applesauce, but loves sliced apples. No mashed potatoes, but boiled and cubed is good, etc. I would think it was the texture, but then she likes yogurt, oatmeal, grits and pudding. I haven't figured out the common denominator. She refuses grapes, but when my ds "forces" her to eat them, she says they are yummy. URGH! We wish we knew what was a motivator for her... she won't willingly eat watermelon cut up in cubes, but hand her the slice with it's rind and it's all gone.

[Amaranth]

Imweullo, from what you described about your granddaughter, it sounds like she likes food that is in discrete chunks with an al dente sort of texture or completely soft and smooth. But that things that are partially smooth with random textured bits/chunks aren't very appealing.

For the grapes, try smaller ones cut in half or large ones quartered. There are some giant grapes out now where 1-2 grapes would be an entire toddler serving. Normal or large size grapes can seem rather daunting.

On the watermelon, it might be that she likes something clean/dry to hold onto while she eats or maybe the cubes are uncomfortably large. Grabbing cubes with her fingers and having the juice run down her hands and arms may be unappealing. She may do ok with small chunks with a salad fork as soon as you can trust her dexterity with a fork. Or small cubes in a small cup that used to hold yogurt may be more comfortable.

[mira]

Update: I served dinner family style tonight. Nothing fancy. Just meatballs in sauce, rice and roasted vegetables. We sat down and immediately she asked for toast! I just said, "No, this is what we are having" and eventually she ate a couple spoonfuls of rice. Woot! She didn't eat much and will be hungry tomorrow. It's good though. She's learning (and I am too :)).
Great news! Hopefully this trend will continue!

[mtnlaurel]

Cattledog - I so feel your pain
My 3.5 dd is very similar. I don't have any advice/experience beyond what's already been given. I do my best to not give too much power to the situations and just figure she will come around over time.
I LOVE the suggestion of family style meals (meaning kids serve themselves) and will try that.
My daughter's personality is such that if I convince her that it's HER idea to do anything then it's OK. On matters of safety or such I impose my will on her... but she can't be 'broken' easily, if you know what I mean.
AmeliaJane -- I am the same way about making my own plate. My in-laws make plates up for the diners and it really gets under my skin for some reason. (Maybe my apple hasn't fallen too far from the tree! ;)
I too work hard with my daughter to channel her NOs to No Thank you.
My 7 yo son on the other hand -- easy, breezy, loves his veggies, can push away a piece of cake because "it's too chocolaty" --- huh, I didn't even know 'too chocolaty' was an adjective!
With him we always asked that he try one bite of everything on his plate - and he would, no big deal.
He was born small so I have always just fed, fed, fed him - anytime of day/night -- and he's an uber active boy with a metabolism of a hummingbird.

I wanted to share a Miracle that has happened recently.
My daughter turned 4 a couple of weeks ago and all of a sudden all she can talk about is Zucchini and how she 'loves' her vegetables and is a 'very big girl now'.

I've made grilled Zucchini just about every night since and we are talking up other veggies too.
And it somehow totally correlates to her birthday.

One thing I did since the New Yr was make a Sticker Reward Chart and put it at her height on the fridge.
We drew a Fruit section, a Veggie section and a Protein section and she gets to put a sticker on every time she eats one (similar to her potty stickers we did)
And every time she finds another fruit, veggie, protein that she will eat, we draw it on.
She loves showing it off.

What was happening previously at dinner -- we'd all sit down to eat and she'd say "I'm sleepy" (so she'd get out of eating what we were having)
So we'd say you can stay up and eat with us or go to bed right now.
And most nights she'd choose to go put herself in bed - we let her do it, no dinner.

[Stella]

mtnlaurel that is great!

[jp1]

I realize I'm VERY late to this conversation but I'd just like to defend the picky kid eaters since I most definitley was one.

First, on the power struggle. Most definitely it is. Mine was over the nasty canned veggies we had every night. I quickly learned a key factor to avoid eating them. Mom wanted to wash all the dinner dishes more then she wanted me to eat my nasty now-cold green beans. All I had to do was sit at the table watching walter chronkite and wait until she was done with all the other dishes. She'd take my plate away and disgustedly dismiss me from the table. Battle won!

Second, on going hungry. When I was a kid I just didn't want to eat that much. There were a few things I liked. Meatloaf and baked potatoes. Spaghetti with meatsauce. Burger King cheeseburgers (better then McDonalds since I could have it my way, minus pickles... Salisbury steak tv dinners... There was a lot I didn't really care for. One fish stick was plenty for me. Usually we'd have those with boxed scalloped potatoes and I'd have a bit of those as well, but that's all I'd want to eat. If I was really hungry though I'd eat what was put down. Everything was family style and there were no special orders.

Third, on liking and not liking things. I still really don't like certain things. Bananas make me gag. I haven't had one since I went to college and likely never will unless I'm in a situation where I'm literally starving and that's all that's available. The only way I could force them down as a kid was in a bowl of milk with a ton of sugar. My older sister is the same way.

Lastly, too much flavor. I like some fruits and will happily eat them. But even now, at 44, I don't like fruit at breakfast except cooked fruit, like maybe raspberries in my pancakes. I prefer something bland like oatmeal or cold cereal for breakfast. Or an omelete, although ironically I like them with jalapeno peppers. But any kind of uncooked fruit for breakfast? Never. That's just way too much flavor too early in the day for me. Once I learned that I didn't like fruit at breakfast but did like it other times I simply learned to eat it later in the day.