Stepfamily BS - it just keeps happening...

[redfox]

I really had hoped that once my stepkids moved out, they would feel comfortable spending time with us on breaks... Nope. It's their bipolar, manipulative mom who gets all their time. The loyalty demands she made when they were younger just continues.

All the data I have read indicated that stepkids accept their stepmom only if the bio mom does, which in our case she never has. So, despite the fact that we provided the bulk of the support & stability, we're lucky if either deigns to drop by for a ride to the airport.

I think my feelings are really hurt... My husband is very sad too. Maybe when they have their own kids... Or maybe never... Who knows?

[Mrs-M]

Hugs, Redfox.

[Zoebird]

I'm sorry to hear it, redfox.

sometimes, it's just the squeaky wheel and the dynamics that the family is in. that's just how it rolls out. sadly, sadly.

[Anne Lee]

I can't imagine how hurtful this must be. Dealing with a mentally ill person is so very hard. I feel for you, your DH and the kids. Take care of yourselves.

[redfox]

I'm sorry to hear it, redfox.

sometimes, it's just the squeaky wheel and the dynamics that the family is in. that's just how it rolls out. sadly, sadly.

Yup... You nailed it. We're reflecting on the nature and practice of unconditional love tonight... Because we'll always welcome them whenever they decide to visit, and love them for who they are. Thanks for your words...

[Float On]

[QUOTE=redfox;57933] practice of unconditional love tonight... Because we'll always welcome them whenever they decide to visit, and love them for who they are. QUOTE]

That gives you hope that yes, maybe someday......
You are to be commended for being unconditional instead of listing your own demands. I hope the kids see that someday.

[leslieann]

I remember your stories, Redfox, and what you demonstrated to the kids and how they did seem to understand. But a complaining, guilt inducing parent can get kids' attention...at least for now. And I second what FloatOn said about being unconditional. Good for you, and also I can hear how difficult it is.

I watch my DSD (14) do the dance between households. Her mother has not presented any of the issues that you have experienced but I can still imagine a future in which DSD has to spend her time at one household because of the parent's "need" for her. At the same time, my DH thinks I should "pressure" my children to visit me but I figure they'll come in their own time, and in the meantime I am more than welcome at their house (with or without DH).

I wish you peace around the whole subject. You have been a light to me, by the way, on this topic, and I really appreciated the balanced way that you worked with the struggle of being a stepmother. Thank you for all of that. I should have said so before.

[puglogic]

redfox,
There will come a time when they will be mature and self-contained enough to be able to see the dynamic clearly. They will see, on the one hand, a sick, manipulative, energy vampire; they'll see, on the other, a woman who has only ever shown them unconditional love. So sorry this path has to be so painful. But they will eventually save themselves. I couldn't find it in myself to escape my crazymaking, self-destructive family until I was well into my 30's.

All will be well. They are on a journey.
{hugs}

[treehugger]

Yup... You nailed it. We're reflecting on the nature and practice of unconditional love tonight... Because we'll always welcome them whenever they decide to visit, and love them for who they are. Thanks for your words...

(((redfox))) As a step-kid of 2 step-parents, one who feels like an outsider most of the time in both of my families, I thank you 1,000 times for the love and support you have shown to your step-kids. I am truly sorry that, so far, this has not resolved itself into a warm, simple relationship with them. But relationships are never set in stone. Good things may be in store.

Kara

[Gregg]

My two oldest are technically step-kids and we live in the same town as bio dad so I know where you're coming from redfox. The dad has mellowed over the years, but still kind of...well, let's just say I wouldn't want to live next door to him. Anyway, DS lives some 800 miles away so it is a struggle when he comes to town. We are lucky to be able to get both sides together for several casual dinners which takes a lot of the pressure off him. It hasn't always been that way. Fortunately DW had custody so the kids grew up with us and only visited the other side. Once they moved out for college holidays got tricky. We simply started traveling to the kids or taking them on vacations with us more often to avoid conflict. It was less than perfect to be sure, but we got uninterrupted time with them and they were under no pressure to split their time. Even well into their 20's (DS is 27 today!) its still all about the kids.

[redfox]

Wow... You have all brought me to tears... Thank you so much. Leslieann, stepmothering is the hardest thing I have ever done... Hugs to you too... And Kara, honey, I am so sorry you feel like an outsider in both your families... I hope for you too that good things are in store.

We had a fantastic family therapist whose mantra to us was "think long term", and every time he said that, I imagined a loooong arc of time till they were both in their mid-30's, the time when I too began to make peace with my family. I believe I'll revive that mantra.

[Blackdog Lin]

{{{hugs and warm wishes}}} to everyone who has to deal with this for the holidays.

As for me, I am fortunate to have been able to come to a healing conclusion: so what if DH and his DS are estranged? I can't change things, nor can I make the situation better. I can only make it so that it doesn't affect ME, and MY relationship with DS, so that I can still have holiday fun and blessings with DS. So I basically tell DH to "to to h---", and go my own way with having Holiday companionship with DS.

It works, and it gives me peace. DH wants to distance himself, fine. But I will do the holidays as best I can spending as much time as I can work out with DS and his girlfriend. So we're disfunctional - fine. I will still make time and buy gifts and have fun with DS.

Take a deep breath: I can only do what I can do with these disfunctional idiots I live with. I can and only will celebrate the holidays as best I can with the DS whom I love. I can and only will also celebrate the holidays with DH, whom I also love.

They're idiots. I will celebrate the holidays with all the love I can muster toward both of 'em.....

[puglogic]

"Think long term." I love that.

Love is a powerful, powerful force. I am so glad you believe in it too! :)