Houseguests that say offensive things

[puglogic]

Every time my husband's family members come to visit, I go through this, but never feel as though I have a good handle on it.

Although my husband is a good, open, kind person, his family is chock-a-block with racists and homophobes. Their jokes and comments are deeply offensive to me. They seem to be making more of an effort not to do this around me, but they often forget. It's as though it's the most natural thing in the world to hate, and you can't change their stripes.

When I'm a guest in their homes, I just suck it up - after all, it's their castle and they can do & say what they wish. (and yes, I avoid being there) But in my home, I get very bristly, especially in this season of love and light.

What's the best way to calmly, lovingly, non-confrontationally communicate to houseguests, "You can hate all you want in your own house, but keep that sh** to yourself in mine, if you please, or you'll find yourself at the Super 8" ?

[fidgiegirl]

Ooh - no good advice whatsoever, but you have my wishes for lots of fortitude in your dealings. :(

[Mighty Frugal]

Often when someone says something super offensive-racist or homophobic- I just give them a 'shocked oh my goodness you didn't really say that?' look. It seems to let them know not to talk like that around me. Good to do with people who happened to be related to you (by marriage, of course!)

[danna]

Big Hugs these people mostly never change...

[Zoebird]

I just make the boundary clear.

for a time, every conversation with my dad devolved into him reciting fox news or similar -- but usually with his own color on it (fears/anxieties/anger) -- and if you disagreed that it was factual, or that his representation wasn't factual, then he would simply start getting louder and louder and yelling at you and getting angry.

I don't consider him "that shocking" as you describe, but it was seriously annoying. And i told him that i didn't want to talk about news or politics with him anymore because we obviously disagree, and he just yells at me, and then I don't want to be around him. And i'm fairly certain that he didn't want *that* outcome.

so, there it is.

[mira]

I'd be inclined to make a 'neutralising' comment that stops that conversation dead in its tracks, without outwardly showing annoyance/frustration/anger, but being firm and well understood. If that doesn't work, you may wish to talk to them privately, but I can't imagine that they would see any wrong in their ability to freely express opinions (whether or not they have a solid basis...). I usually feel tempted to question their beliefs, but its highly unlikely that you could sway them to consider beliefs other than their own...

My sister-in-law's partner - who I just met for the first time last month - produced a whole spiel of racist, homophobic and generally ignorant comments when we are all out for dinner one night. However, it soon dawned on me that he just didn't have the slightest clue what he was talking about. Any attempt I made to rationalise his comments and generalisations was pretty much met with "Duhhh, what??". He didn't understand what I was saying, so I have little faith that he can successfully understand the wider world.

[artist]

No advice. I have to deal with the same in my home with my inlaws. My MIL's latest was jokingly and IMO rudly saying "he's trying to convert us", in reference to my son (18 year old preaching major) asking them to join us for church on Sunday. We always ask them to join us, but this time my MIL felt that making a joke of it was ok. It was offensive, not funny. But what can you say to that?

[libby]

They are never going to change. In situations like this I always promptly change the subject by interjecting with "Nice weather hey!". repeat repeat repeat til they get sick of hearing your weather talk!

[jania]

"That language is not allowed in our house" is the response I would give. However, if you choose to go this route, you must be able to handle the circumstances. Good luck!

[iris lily]

pug, I don't think there IS a good way to handle this kind of thing. It's your house but they are your guests and you aren't going to change their thinking and so what is the point of confronting them? A neutral changing of the subject is fine, but that's about the best that you can do. Showing slight disapproval in subject changing may point out to them, if they are clued into it, that you don't like it.

You will still feel icky, they may feel icky, but that's going to happen in clashes of values. I think it's nice that the seem to cut back a little in your presence, that shows you've made progress!

[reader99]

A very tough situation. I think perhaps I'd have a mental list of new, neutral topics ready, and when a crass remark was made, I might say something like, Oh my! and then immediately go into my prepared neutral topic. Miss Manners says that the only people whose manners we are allowed to correct are our own minor children. So by her lights direct confrontation of guests would be out.

[leslieann]

no advice...just a hug for pug......sorry you will have to endure some moments like these....maybe keeping people busy and their mouths full will help!

[treehugger]

This is a very tough situation, I know from experience. Several members of my husband's family are like that. Some I see regularly (my FIL who lives in the same town) and some rarely.

Neither my husband or I are fans of debating or arguing (the ILs love it!), so we have very quietly and non-confrontationally as possible made it known that we prefer neutral subjects. These days, I will just leave the room if my FIL starts up. I don't need to hear it from him, but I don't need to pretend to accept it, either.

I realize every situation is different, but this has worked for us. We have a fairly close and loving relationship with FIL (not so much with the other, more distant relatives, but that's fine).

Best wishes to you!

Kara

[lmerullo]

My southern friends would just say, "bless your heart"' or some such... A believer would recommend you pray for the person who is offending you. Would it be appropriate to pray for their demise?

[bae]

We no longer associate with that part of our family, problem solved.

[Gregg]

"That language is not allowed in our house" is the response I would give. However, if you choose to go this route, you must be able to handle the circumstances. Good luck!

Same here, and correct about the consequences.

[Anne Lee]

"Well, we'll just have to agree to disagree about that." Then talk about the Yankees who are controversial but not in any way that really matters.

[razz]

I go through this as well with a few close family members and simply ask them with an incredulous look, "What do you get out of saying a thing like that?" If that response is questioned, I refer to Dr Phil and say that it must be working for him or her in some way to be nasty or cruel or unkind choosing the appropriate adjective to suit the occasion.

I figure that I have protested and put the offending individual on the post which most don't like and then let it go.

[Jemima]

What's the best way to calmly, lovingly, non-confrontationally communicate to houseguests, "You can hate all you want in your own house, but keep that sh** to yourself in mine, if you please, or you'll find yourself at the Super 8" ?

I don't think that needs any revision. Or you could go to the Super 8 and leave them at your house. I'm serious. I wouldn't put up with this crap for a New York Minute. Kindness, tact or good manners aren't going to make a dent with people like this.

Where is your husband in all this? I think if the two of you just stood up to them and told them their behavior is unacceptable, and to either change it or leave, it would make a difference.

[Fawn]

For my work, I go into people's homes. Sometimes they make rude and ignorant remarks about people that are different than they are. I have learned to say, "That has not been my experience" and then change the topic.

In my own home, I would be inclined to be bolder, "You may keep your expressions of hatred to yourself while you are in this house."

And I agree with above posters to avoid family members who are offensive as much as possible, by what ever means available.

[puglogic]

Thanks, everyone! This is all very helpful, and gives me strength to deal with the poison in better ways (than just avoidance)