View Full Version : I'm sad that my nephew eloped.
Just got an email from my nephew that he and his fiancee just eloped in Charleston SC. I'm feeling sad that I was not allowed to be there to witness it. I had the time available. My family loves the fiancee and there was no strife that I am aware of.
What's odd was that I was just at his house 2 days ago, and saw a bag with a dress in it from David's Bridal- nephew said that the fiancee bought it because she got a good deal on it. I thought that was odd, why would you buy a dress without knowing what time of year the wedding would be? I asked him then if they had set a date, and he was all evasive saying they were waiting for things to settle down (they have a 7 mo old baby, and are renovating their house).
That same day, they said they were headed to Charleston the following day, and again I thought it was odd that he never mentioned it. He knows I went there last year, and could make a number of recommendations. I also was kind of disappointed he hadn't told me earlier, as I would have volunteered to be a tour guide, as well as baby sitting my grand niece so they could have some nice time alone.
I really feel bad for my sister, his mother.
This was a second marriage for the fiancee, so maybe she just didn't want the hoopla. I just feel cheated about this whole thing.
I'm sorry you're sad, but perhaps they didn't want to spend a ton of money on an in-town wedding. Or the hoopla. Maybe issues with the bride's family made this the only option?
Can the family get togther, have a nice potluck or something similar, and see the wedding pics/video?
I know that people have made that decision for many reasons. My 'undefined relationship' has a strong reaction when we have talked about marriage. When I finally got to the bottom of it I found out that he feels that his mother would ruin a wedding. I still would want a wedding so we will see where we go,
It is so easy to have a family take over a wedding, even if that does not seem to be the issue, so try to just not take it personally. Maybe have a small dinner party or follow up celebration.
As mentioned above, help host a family get-together for everyone to join in. As costs go out of sight, I can see more and more people choosing to elope than get caught up in the price and politics of a wedding.
Send a congratulations and good wishes and let them relax about making their own decision.
In my experience with this, one thing a lot of people tend to overlook (or not even thing of), is that weddings aren't for everybody, and, going away to see things through provides the couple with less stress and less financial strain.
Sending a warm hug your way tonight, Herbgeek.
To add, if I were in a relationship and my SO and I were considering, or had established that we were planning to elope, I wouldn't feel right going away and marrying without announcing to loved ones of our intentions. There's something to be said about this approach and how it resonates in the minds of family and loved ones (more positively), and encourages a sense of acceptance.
iris lily
12-31-11, 12:09am
hey O.P., I'm glad you can come here and vent to us! Vent here all you like. But please don't lay a guilt trip on them. Honestly, I do not understand, and so I want you to tell me, what exactly are you missing by not watching them get married? Really, what is it? I was born without that gene so please spell it out, s-l-o-w-l-y for someone like me who is challenged in this area, unable to get my feelings hurt about stuff like this.
I am the opposite, I am relieved to not be invited to weddings. And honestly I'd be annoyed at having to go to some hoopla white wedding for a #2 when they've already got a kid at home.
But I think it's sweet that you are that invested in their nuptials and I'll bet you can find a way to express that in a supportive way!
I secretly think that anyone over the age of 30 or married more than once should just chill in the wedding game. I attended a wedding event of size for an aunt and I thought at the time, why? why are you doing this? She was in her 60's. Around that time my mother started chattering about a wedding to her boyfriend and she was at least 76 years old. I got the skeevies thinking that perhaps I would have to participate in some way, ugh. Fortunately they broke up, haha. But I will admit, this is entirely my own baggage and probably isn't entirely rational. My father was always anti-wedding and I caught that bug from him. And now I remember that a long term boyfriend got skeevies too when there was a wedding and once he told me before we attended a wedding that he might have to go around the corner during the ceremony (it was held outdoors) because he might get jittery. I thought that was understandable and he was surprised and happy that I understood perfectly.
puglogic
12-31-11, 12:24am
A bit clueless here too. I am far more interested in being involved in the married relationship of the people I love than in being involved with the ceremony. Their marriage is for them, and they should have the choice of when, how, and where they wish to become partners for life......not all of us are cut out for all the baggage, cost, politics, etc. that goes along with a big wedding ceremony. I'm sure they would be open to a party, though, in their honor, no matter their reasoning. Can you put your own feelings aside and rejoice in the fact that they've found each other in this world and have chosen to stand by each other forever?
I have to agree with the other posters, it's their marriage. There are so many, many reasons they may have chosen to quietly elope.
It does not indicate a specific rejection of you.
Please respect their choice in the kind way other posters have mentioned.
I kind of understand since a marriage is a celebration, especially if we are happy for the couple. We seem to think that it's only between two adults, but it's not. Marriage joins families and helps hold together the fabric of our society. But w/o knowing the bride's story - does she have a difficult family, for instance - I can't really say one way or the other how I would feel in your situation.
goldensmom
12-31-11, 7:21am
My parents eloped due to financial reasons. Dad said the entire wedding cost $2.00 for the wedding license and he borrowed the money from mom. The first part is true and the license did cost $2.00. I heard that story since I was young enough to remember so eloping is totally acceptable to me. There are lots of reasons to elope and some result in hurt feelings. The question is how do the ones 'left behind' handle it and the only thing you can do is to accept that they are adults, respect their decision then accept and support their marriage.
crunchycon
12-31-11, 7:38am
I may be interpreting here, but it sounds like you were just looking forward to celebrating their big day, and that's all right. How the ceremony happens is really the prerogative of the bride and groom, and that's what happened here. I know you're sad for now, and I hope you and the family have a get-together to celebrate the event.
sweetana3
12-31-11, 8:10am
Don't assume it is all on the bride. A friend was sad his son and significant other were not getting married and he felt it was because the girl's parents were divorced and she did not want to get married. It actually turned out it was his son who was holding back.
If either one of them have watched any of the TV shows about brides, dresses, weddings, etc. neither would ever want a wedding. They are some of the most hideous shows of selfishness, consumerism, anger, jealousy, etc. on TV.
In my humble opinion, a wedding celebration in no way cements a relationship with each other or family. Way too many I have been to are over (a couple in less than a year). It is the strong supportive loving relationships with acceptance of compromise on both sides of differences and desires that help a couple survive the first years of marriage.
Thank you all for your perspective, it helps. I had wanted to be there to share in their joy. But I do understand that weddings often come with a lot of baggage, never mind the money. My sister will have a party for them. We'd assumed all along that it would be a small family only ceremony, not a big white wedding production.
I've always been especially close to this nephew, I don't have kids of my own. He's often shared things with me that he didn't share with others, so I was a little disappointed to be shut out of this big one. This is my issue, which I will keep from making his.
I'm glad I had the opportunity to vent here, and not say anything to him and his wife which could have hurt feelings. Thanks.
flowerseverywhere
12-31-11, 10:15am
That's good HG, I am someone who eloped and at the time the whole family was upset. I was not pregnant, I just felt like doing the wedding thing would have been a show for my mother, not anything for me. At first i tried to go through with some plans but it quickly became evident that I was not going to have the wedding I had in my mind.
Fast forward 35 years and I have the best marraige of anyone I know. After all these years we still have a respectful loving marraige. The crazy thing is that so many people who had elaborate weddings had short unhappy marraiges.
HG, as someone who had a couple of family members elope (cousin and niece), I can understand the feeling of being left out of a joyous occasion that is often shared as a family wide event. But I also understood that in either case there was family baggage complicating things. In my cousin's case, her parents just went through a nasty divorce, mom and dad were still mad / sniping at each other, both parents broke after the divorce fight and the groom was in the military. My niece had gotten pregnant, and MIL was mad as all get out at her granddaughter for getting pregnant so niece opted for the quick wedding in Vegas just to avoid the MIL drama. So I can understand not wanting to go through the stress, time and expense of a typical wedding when you can depend on it being ruined by other family members that can't put conflicts, anger, etc. aside for the sake of the event. Even without those conflicts, it can be challenging enough.
DH and I got married in the typical church wedding; but by the time we went to get the marriage license the week before, I remember seeing the folks lined up outside the courtroom waiting to get married and saying to DH "these people have the right idea" because I was so done with the stress, hassle, power plays from me Mum and just everything.
Glad you have come to terms with it, herbgeek. As someone who had a pretty last minute courthouse wedding on New Year's Eve with just my mom, sister, friend from grad school and her husband present, I can understand their choice. My DH and I decided to take the approach we did when we realized we would save about $4000 on our taxes -- how romantic is that?!?!? :) But it was a lot of fun and we spent under $500 for everything included, and today is our 15th wedding anniversary. I was always very relieved that my family didn't give me any flack about the way we did things.
Hope your nephew and his wife have a great future ahead of them. I'm sure your support will mean a lot in the years to come.
lhamo
My DH and I decided to take the approach we did when today is our 15th wedding anniversary. I was always very relieved that my family didn't give me any flack about the way we did things.
lhamo
Not to get off topic, but happy anniversary, Ihamo!
Simplemind
12-31-11, 6:54pm
I would have eloped both times if my husbands would have allowed it. As I have posted before the first one was big and the second was small. On the second I did give a date and that was all the information. I didn't want any input from anybody. I am one who hates to be the center of attention and you are never more the center than at your wedding. Agony for me both times. Since the second one was small and secret I had people that were offended and hurt. Geez Louis....
The bride and groom get to choose how and when they get married, it is about them not you. Let it go, be happy for them.
Don't take it personally. With a new baby and house renovations, a regular wedding is probably the last thing they wanted to deal with. I'm sure there will probably be some sort of family celebration.
I don't like being the center of attention and would elope, and anyone who knows me understands this. It seems that planning a wedding is so much work, trying to please everyone. Most couples don't remember any of it--they're so busy greeting people and posing for photos that the day is one big blur. Many of the married women I know have had the 'wedding', but if they had to do it again, would elope or do something small and simple. The couple's parents should homor their wishes. They had their day, now it's their children's turn.
I've always been especially close to this nephew, I don't have kids of my own. He's often shared things with me that he didn't share with others, so I was a little disappointed to be shut out of this big one. This is my issue, which I will keep from making his.
Herbgeek, I 'get this' a lot more now. Big hugs to you. Perhaps some day soon you can have a heart-to-heart and reconnect -- HE may want to explain why he did what he did.
I've known people who eloped and there was no problem, family or otherwise, that caused them to marry that way. I understand the comment above about not liking to be the center of attention--lots of people don't like that. I think our culture will be better off when it's general consensus that there's not only one way to do all this. For the same reasons, I'm not so sure any kind of party or dinner is what this couple wants--and it should be about what they want, not what they would feel guilty if they said "no" to. I'm into individuality.
DH and I had a great wedding day--married at the NYC courthouse with a man whose couple hadn't shown up acting as our witness. His handshake after we said our thing was better than anything else could have been. Afterwards we had hotdogs from a cart on the street, went to our jobs, that evening took a walk in Central Park, sitting in the Shakespeare garden with a love-triangle of squirrels we'd gotten to know over time, walked to an Italian restaurant DH had heard about, and then went to a free Mostly Mozart concert. Perfect wedding day for us--nobody we knew knew about it, so we didn't have to deal with THEIR baggage about weddings. We weren't secretive, just did it.
To me even more disconcerting than being shut out of this important occasion, was that his fiancee seems to have required him to lie to you. The whole thing seems odd in light of your previously strong open relationship with your nephew. So I think it's quite normal that you would feel wounded and disconnected. However I think your decision to stay open to him reconnecting more straight forwardly in the future is a good idea.
It also occurred to me that she may be pregnant again, and so they decided in light of everything else that was going on that it might be easier to elope than to try to add a wedding/party into the mix.
Yes, I think its the fact I was outright lied to that bugs me most. And finding out after the fact that other people were told. Just not me. He did tell me about the engagement a couple of days ahead of time, and he knows I can be trusted. I didn't even tell my husband. But this is my issue, and will not become his.
I really am delighted they are married, they seem a good fit and they are happy. I just wanted to see it. I like weddings. I cry at strangers weddings on TV. And this nephew is the closest thing to having my own child.
A big wedding was never in the plans. At most, I heard talk about family and close friends only (maybe 30 people). That's why I didn't get the need to run away. She already had the big wedding, got pregnant while she was still technically married, and has an infant. This was never going to be a big production in the first place. I know my nephew really isn't into being the center of attention. The few parties his mom has had for him (16th bday, 21st bday, 30th bday), he was acutely uncomfortable with being the center of attention, although he enjoyed having his friends around.
I've come to terms with my disappointment. Its not really that big of a deal. I feel worse for my sister- she was shut out of his graduation, his engagement, and now this.
My ""wedding"" cost $8 for the blood test and $8 for the court cost. If my memory serves me correct. 27 years later would not have done it much different. Went and told family later in the week.
Well, after writing a screed about this, now I have to eat crow because I am a little bummed that my friend broke off her engagement. She was going to get married to a Korean man and we were thinking about attending their wedding in Korea.
I haven't read all three pages of posts, but just wanted to say that I relate. My brother eloped fourteen years ago (and hid it from us - though we found out about it by mistake four months later), and it definitely hurt my feelings. I felt excluded from what I thought should be a day of celebrating bringing a new person into our family.
But I also know that most of the people I know who have gotten married felt like their wedding became a compromise between pleasing themselves and pleasing their families, and I can understand why some couples just don't want to make that compromise.
I agree with others that you shouldn't share your feelings with your nephew. It's entirely possible that one day, years from now, he will understand how this action might have affected those he loved, but some things young people have to just learn on their own. For now, just take the high road. You will be glad, I think, that you did.
Posters have shared lots of good perspective and reasons for eloping. And I do understand you feeling left out. But to address the "lying" that his fiance "forced" on him, I feel the need to point out that you can't really plan to elope. By that I mean, you can't really share those plans with others because if you share it with a few people, then the people that you don't let in on the secret will have hurt feelings.
So, he had to lie to you so that they could go forward with the wedding with the minimum amount of hurt feelings. If he had told you, then you would have been upset that you weren't allowed to go. If he had allowed you to go, then parents, other relatives, friends would have been hurt that they weren't invited. See where this is going?
I hope you can enjoy the party your sister is planning.
Kara
I wish we could elope. My fiance eloped for his first marriage and didn't tell anyone he was married (he was 19) for months afterwards. His mom found out on accident. This time he wants a big correct wedding to give his mom the joy.
My mom always said that getting married in any way that she wasn't allowed to be at was the most selfish thing I could do. Now she sees how horrible planning is and said that she would understand if we went to the courthouse. In Colorado, we don't even have to go to the courthouse, we could just sign a piece of paper.
All we've done at this point is pick the place, and as soon as we walked in I started to cry because I knew everyone wanted it and I hated it. Now his sister (who's married to a professional sports athlete and is super rich) is going to be my fiance's attendant and is only interested in Vivienne Westword or whatever's fashionable dresses that cost a bazillion dollars and also "accidentally" invited all of the extended family to the wedding, when we were still trying to keep it to immediate family only. And I'm 36, trying on big white floofy dresses is almost humiliating. But everyone is so excited...
Anyways...I wish I could elope...
Jessamyn, you are 36...........that should be enough. Elope. They will get over it and it is your life anyway. Unless, as the TV personalities say, you are getting something out of it.
chanterelle
1-4-12, 6:31pm
"
That same day, they said they were headed to Charleston the following day, and again I thought it was odd that he never mentioned it. He knows I went there last year, and could make a number of recommendations. I also was kind of disappointed he hadn't told me earlier, as I would have volunteered to be a tour guide, as well as baby sitting my grand niece so they could have some nice time alone.
I just feel cheated about this whole thing."
ok, this is a big red flag for me.....
I know that your reasoning for the above paragraph were made out of deep love and the need to share with loved ones, But in effect what you would have been doing is inviting yourself on their vacation, and by giving unasked for reccomendations and inserting yourself as their tour guide, you would have been imposing YOUR vacation experience on them.
You often have described yourself as "the cool Aunt" and thinking of going on vacation with a young couple just starting out, who need to make their own memories, experiences and find THEIR restaurants etc is , well, just uncool.
The fact that you feel cheated out of their wedding [ read intimate personal experience], suggests that you may have too much invested in their lives.
If you are prone to this sort of unasked for inclusiveness and intimate sharing, no matter how much you love your family, they may well have felt the need to insulate themselves so that they could have their own space and wedding experience.
My husband and I eloped nearly 6 years ago and it was the smartest thing we ever did. We did it on a Friday and told our parents a couple of days in advance. We lived about an 18hr drive away and weren't expecting anyone to show up - but my husband's parents actually made the drive, which ended up being nice - though I think I was slightly annoyed at the time. >8)
We did end up having a bit of a party back "home" for friends and family a few months later, so that seemed to appease some of the disgruntled family members.
Ou elopement was never intended as anything personal against family - I just didn't wish to have 'the bride' experience. I dislike being the center of that type of attention. I don't think my husband cared either way.
If you can't make as personal a decision as how to conduct your own marriage without ruffling feathers, it's time to tighten up the boundaries, IMO. Apparently the couple chose to celebrate the occasion in their own way. Privately.
This is another extrovert/introvert thing. If you love being the center of attention, or sharing your most meaningful moments with a crowd, you're not going to get it.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2025 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.